Is it often necessary, even desirable for political leaders to withhold information from the public?
To get a thorough understanding, we should get a clear definition of honesty and then probe this complex topic case to case.(开头段很好。首先是做到了简洁，第二是点名了中心。但是会不会有点过于模版化？)
Instead of talking freely about ‘should or should not’, we must firstly have another thought about our definition for honesty. Honesty is not telling about everything one knows, but telling what one is responsible to say and keeping the secrets one is responsible to keep. Only keeping this standard in mind can we reasonably evaluate the political leaders’ information-hiding behavior.
As we all know, it is not wise for political leaders to tell about information about their personal lives. (分论一) To be a political leader means keeping the leader's authority among his or her people, which necessarily needs them to keep some distance from the mass, although it is not rare to see leaders disclosing their charm now and then, which is just a pleasing part of their campaign strategies but not a true personal show. A little personal information might be positive, but a little more would be troublesome-just imagine what it would be like if president Roosevelt told the public about his extramarital love and his seriously bad health condition, which would undoubtedly
be a shock, weakening his positive figure, arousing doubts about his ability, thus shaking his governing, even disturbing the economy recovery process. Anyway, politics is not entertainment, where personal information might not only make a hit but also bring a disaster, whether for the leaders themselves or for development of the society. (这一句表述的是不是有点不清晰？for both the leaders themselves and the development of the society.) 这一段是我很欣赏的一段，条理很清楚，例子的分析也很到位，与分论点的联系也很紧密~值得我学习的。 When it comes to the political issues, there are still some cases where it is forgivable even desirable for political leaders to withhold information from the public. As political leaders, they know the highest secrets of a nation which once leaked would result in great chaos even catastrophe. (这里有两个问题。第一是leak一般表示液体的泄漏，这里最好能用reveal之类的。第二是这个从句读上去有点拗口，改改~) According to a report from several countries' defense departments, nearly every country has gone through those thrilling moments, when a nuclear disaster nearly happened.(这一句话在这里的作用我不是很明白) 1. Just imagine what it would be like if the political leaders told the public about those terror-stricken omens? Chaos-uncontrollable.(是想表示“无法控制的混乱”么？) 2. Similarly, none of us would treat the leader who tells the public about the nation's detailed military arrangement, putting his country in danger just because of his stupid sticking to the so-called totally honesty. (这两个例子与这个分论点的联系可能需要强化一下。其实层次非常好。第一个例子说明过度的坦白有时可以造成不必要的恐慌，第二个例子表示过度的坦白可能置国家安全于不利。但是缺少分析的连接，就显得优逻辑尚不够紧密) However, information-hiding right should never expand to a freedom; otherwise we would be running the risk of handing our society to serious insecurity. Anyway, we are searching for a leader but not a big liar. So many painful cases has our history witnessed, where dictators withheld information from the public , acting wildly against laws and public opinions(如果这一句话是作为painful cases的补充说明的话，貌似连接词应该用that), that we should learn the lesson-improve the supervision system, selecting the righteous, able, trustful leaders and weeding out those corrupt ones, keeping it fresh.(这一句的作用貌似是段落总结，那么that在这里的使用就有问题了，可以改成thus，话说你不会是打错了吧？) 这一段的语言问题占了很大一部分，好像已经影响到理解了。除此之外，这一段的论述相对来说比较无力，既没有逻辑上的说理，也没有具体的例证，只是空泛的提到了历史上有很多这样的例子。这样貌似不行吧…… In the final analysis, because of the special role of political leaders, sometimes it is necessary even desirable for them withhold information from the public, however, to prevent the possible right abuse, a right supervision system must be promoted, only in this way can we assure that the right leaders lead us in a right way. 依我看来，结尾段的作用比首段要重要的多，首先，结尾要对全文进行一个总结，而且，结尾要有机的把之前的论证结合起来，这样才能做到深化主题。但是，这里的结尾如果说是要总结再现之前的论点，明显是缺少了相当重要的一个，那就是对”honesty”的理解，此外，最后提到的a right supervision system在前文中并没有提及，难免让人觉得有些突然。
我也是新手呢~个人意见仅供参考~ | 
发表于 2009-12-11 18:38:08
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