issue114 （revised by gteryy and SMM）

ken0405UID: 124994

114"Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity."

多谢你对我的帮助，真的多谢。
Nowadays, there increasingly emerges much concern about the issue of whether human technology and humanity have achieve improvements. Just as the assertion offered by speaker, some people claim that although the technological development has taken place certainly, the overall condition of humanity is no better than before. When it comes to personal attitude towards this case, actually, not only do the numerous advancements in technological field happen, but also human has achieved progressive strides in the development of humanity, which partly come from the development of technology.

To begin with, it is easy for one to find improvements of technology in all affairs of our life. First, the plenty of contributions to medical realm is a case in point. The emergence of microscopic machines allows doctors to go inside the human body to identify health problems or to perform delicate surgery. Moreover, the biological technological advancement lead the genetic engineering to be possible, which brings out dramatic benefits on the development of cures for fatal illness. Second, some technology plays significant roles in the development of social economy. Such as the inventions of stream-driven machine, internal-combustion engine, computer and the Internet accelerate the step which industrial revolution marches. Now, automation has greatly improved manufacturing, which come out as an outstanding success of technology. Finally, as a common sense, it is the advancement in technology that realizes many human dreams, such as flying and landing the moon. Accordingly, technology has certainly made many achievements as time goes by.  

On the second place, technology can made the condition of humanity to be comfortable directly and indirectly. Generally speaking, full communication can reduce the bias and increase the understanding, tolerance and appreciation among people under various backgrounds, which are indispensable parts of humanity. Then, the invention of broadcast, television, and internet serve well to complete this task. In addition, these technologies can readily bring humanistic ideas such as willingness to help others, honesty and fidelity to any corner of the global, which will directly improve the development of humanity in the long run. Another thing I want to do is taking the phenomenon of crime existing in every country for a specific example. The employment of high technological equipments, such as computer and bullet-proof vest, make it comparatively convenient and safe for the police to attack the crime, which in turn reduce the rate of crime. In this sense, it is safe to say that technology results that the crime less frequently occurs, which indirectly represents the development of humanity. Accordingly, technology plays a positive role in the advancement of humanity.

In the third analysis, some people may argue that humanity has not made real progresses, because war, violence, and poverty are still with us. Anyway, it is undeniable that these negative social problems still exist. However, it doesn’t imply that humanity has made little real progress. If taking history into careful consideration, we may go no far to find that their frequencies are far more below than they were. For instance, from 1900 to 1950, there happened twice " the World War". Conversely, human has enjoy the peace for fifty years from 1950. We may own this to the following reason. After the Second World War, with the unceasing improvement of quality of human life, people are gradually paying more and more attention to education, art, and literature, which guide people to cultivate  

In sum, it is a common sense to believe that people has attain many achievements of technology, which play a strong and far-reaching influence on our life, which to some extent is beneficial for improving humanity. Furthermore, people have obviously improved the humanity in the pursuit of prosperity. Eventually, without any doubt, people have made and will continually go ahead.

ken0405UID: 124994

现在我尽量把作文中的句子写的短一些，清楚一些。我准备写两个摸班来应付考试。现在我一周写4篇issue。下周开始看argurment。我班上一小子说：argument不用写多少，只要把套路熟悉即可。我准备写10篇左右吧。上面这片文章的humanity不知道写的clear和efficient吗？？例子最后我都genarize了。结尾也不是草草了事。这都和你的点拼分不开。我的目标：就是的4。5分以上。呵呵。继续加油。狂刊ets。

ken0405UID: 124994

哦，倒数第2段少了一点。to cultivate the common humanity every in global, such as rational value, and peacful moral, which clearly proves the progress of humanity.

gteryyUID: 114434

Nowadays, there increasingly emerges(there emerges比较怀疑这个说法，请angei确认一下。记得我曾经用过there exists，结果被告之chinglish，呵呵) much concern about the issue of whether human technology and humanity have achieve improvements（achieve 这个词放这里不是太好，一般用achieve goals/victory/purpose…，而进步之类的词用make或者get吧）. Just as the assertion offered（made/presented，你听说过offer assertion的说法吗？） by （the）speaker, some people claim that although the technological development has taken place certainly, the overall condition of humanity is no better than before. When it comes to personal attitude towards this case, actually, not only do the numerous advancements in technological field happen, but also human has achieved progressive strides（这里仍然存在一个achieve的用法问题） in the development of humanity, which partly come(s) from the development of technology.
开头有一点点罗嗦。观点还比较鲜明。不过你那个personal没指代清楚，我看了半天没明白，后来回过头再读一遍才懂，你是说你自己的看法是吧？我们中国人都有谦虚的美德，不喜欢把自己的观点强加别人。我原来写也喜欢加上“按我的看法”之类的词，但被告知，这样不好。得，咱干脆就学人老米霸气一回，呵呵。

To begin with, it is easy for one to find improvements of technology in all affairs of our life. First, the plenty of contribution（plenty不好，换个表示数量多的词，谁会认为contribution足够啊？） to medical realm is a case in point. The emergence of microscopic machines allows doctors to go inside the human body to identify health problems or to perform delicate surgery. Moreover, the biological technological（好象有biotechnics/biotechnology这类词，呵呵） advancement lead the genetic engineering to be possible（lead sth to be possible，不通吧？）, which brings out dramatic benefits on the development of cures for fatal illness（es）. Second, some technology plays significant roles in the development of social economy. Such as the inventions of stream-driven machine, internal-combustion engine, computer and the Internet accelerate the step which industrial revolution marches. Now, automation has greatly improved manufacturing, which come（s） out as an outstanding success of technology. Finally, as a common sense, it is the advancement in technology that realizes many human dreams, such as flying and landing (on) the moon. Accordingly, technology has certainly made many achievements as time goes by.
语法上说你还是很仔细注意一些小错误的，但是有的单复数啊、介词啊什么的还是粗心了。还有就是词的用法和搭配，用我们中式思维其实在不违反原则的情况也可以搭配出好的短语，但是我发现我们都存在的问题是一但修饰语多了，就前后顾不上了，我也送你也是前大牛送我的话“反复的回头去读”，可以写两句回头读一句。还有连词，first, second请你加上LY。
但是这段的论证我觉得不太好。没有切题。你仅仅说了科技的进步，科技带来的好处，而没有说科技的进步与humanity（可能解释为人类、人性，大概就那意思吧）进步的关系。

On the second place, technology can made（make） the condition of humanity to be comfortable directly and indirectly. Generally speaking, full communication can reduce the bias and increase the understanding（increase一般是指数量上的增加，用promote比较好）, tolerance and appreciation among people under various backgrounds（under…backgrounds, 要知道background已经是背景啦，用with吧）, which are indispensable parts of humanity. Then, the invention of broadcast, television, and internet serve well to complete this task.（这里你为什么不再追加论述一下这些高科技的媒体是如何促进交流如何缓和文化冲突的呢？） In addition, these technologies can readily bring humanistic ideas such as willingness to help others, honesty and fidelity to any corner of the global（词性不对）, which will directly improve the development of humanity in the long run. Another thing I want to do is taking the phenomenon of crime existing in every country for a specific example. The employment of high technological equipments, such as computer and bullet-proof vest, make it comparatively convenient and safe for the police to attack the crime, which in turn reduce the rate of crime. In this sense, it is safe to say that technology results that the crime less frequently occurs, which indirectly represents the development of humanity.（还是论述得不透彻，电脑和防弹背心就使犯罪率下降了？那罪犯现在也用高科技犯罪呢！黑客、生物武器、迷奸药之类的） Accordingly, technology plays a positive role in the advancement of humanity.
这段开始切题了，不过我建议你深入的把“怎么样”这个环节突出出来，也就是说透彻地论述你提出的例子、观点。往往我只看到你的原因/条件和结果，而中间最有说服力的“如何起作用”都看不到。
In the third analysis, some people may argue that humanity has not made real progresses, because war, violence, and poverty are still with us. Anyway, it is undeniable that these negative（social problems难道还有positive吗？多余） social problems still exist. However, it doesn’t imply that humanity has made little real progress. If (if多余)taking history into careful consideration, we may go no far to find that their frequencies are far more below than they were(？？？这句不明白，代词指代不清). For instance, from 1900 to 1950, there happened twice " the World War". Conversely, human has enjoy the peace for fifty years from 1950. We may own this to the following reason. After the Second World War, with the unceasing improvement of quality of human life, people are gradually paying more and more attention to education, art, and literature, which guide people to cultivate(这个词太泛，什么意思？)我对历史也不是太懂，不过我觉得你这个原因好象不很成立。人自进入文明社会以来好象就没有停止过科技的进步啊，战争往往是因为种族冲突啊、利益纷争啊之类的原因。
这里你提到了ducation, art, and literature,我觉得很好，不要把humanity局限了。虽然War, violence, and poverty之类的顽固的社会问题始终存在，但我们要看到其他方面的进步，以及这些问题的改善。

In sum, it is a common sense to believe that people has attain many achievements of technology, which play a strong and far-reaching influence on our life, which to some extent is beneficial for improving humanity. Furthermore, people have obviously improved the humanity in the pursuit of prosperity. Eventually, without any doubt, people have made and will continually go ahead.
结尾比较平淡。
总的来说还是不错的，已经很有GRE作文的味儿了。就是各方面还要加强。注意小的语法错误，无外乎就那么几种，单复数啊，动词形式啊，对你我还发现了一个介词搭配的问题，呵呵。还有，我还发现你一个特点，特别喜欢用WHICH定语从句，这很好，有时可以很简略的表达。但是注意变换句式，适当地下意识地加用一些分词形式的状语啊，插入语啊也很好。
下次把你想到的问题再深入地论述一点会更好。
加油。会写得更好的。有不同的意见欢迎反馈，我们共同进步！

gteryyUID: 114434

呵呵，原来是少了一句话，我说怎么看不明白。。。

SMMUID: 106624

Your improvments are quite impressing!

But I would like to give more comments on your shortcomings.

As gteryy point out,  the first sentence ["there increasingly emerges much concern about ..." ] is chinglish. Because you think in Chinese first, your writting, especially when taking tast, is very likely to be chinglish.  I'm not sure if this is a serious problem in GRE AW test. But you must write in English style  when you write academic papers in the future.

"some people claim that although...overall condition of" This sentence also indicates your thinking is Chinese.  You may change the structure of this sentence, puting key points first.

Some people, like the speker in this topic,  claim that the overall condition of humanity is no better than before. in spite of the great technological development occurring in the world over the past century.

I think it's a good suggestion to make your topic statement clear and assertive.  We Chinise ofen said in paprers like this: "our priliminary research shows that". In fact, if this were priliminary research, please do not publish it!  We want fully, complete reserach, even though some very important "priliminary" research are also accepted!  
I think, we also need YOUR CLEAR, COMPLETE analysis in GRE AW!!!

For your end paragraph, there are still meaningless sentence and  repeatations.

[In sum, it is a common sense to believe that people has attain many achievements of technology, which play a strong and far-reaching influence on our life, which to some extent is beneficial for improving humanity. Furthermore, people have obviously improved the humanity in the pursuit of prosperity. Eventually, without any doubt, people have made and will continually go ahead.]

In sum, it is generally hold (accepted, a common sence to believe)  that people has attain many achievements in technology, which has played deep and far-reaching influences on ou rmaterial  life
Such progress in technology, as showd in my analysis above,  is also beneficial for improving our  humanity. People have obviously improved the humanity as well in the pursuit of prosperity.

It seems to me, one more sentence is needed here to support your TS that tech helps to improve humanity. Your last two sentences  are not very helpful to support yout TS.

Pleae think yourself if there are something wrong in my comments. Best regards.

ken0405UID: 124994

我昨天晚上留过言的怎么没有了，呵呵。
10分感谢gteryy和smm，真的12分感谢你们。叫我说什么好呢？感谢之情无以言表啊。呵呵。gre有你们真好，真的太好了。我会一直加油的，继续前进。呵呵。像你们学习，不管是英语写作方面，还是助人为乐方面。真心感谢你们。呵呵。你们的意见非常珍贵啊。谢谢gter.net。真的谢谢了。以后我会一如即往的贴的。当然是我觉得需要前辈点拼的。呵呵。谢谢；；；；）））

SMMUID: 106624

[QUOTE]最初由 ken0405 发表
[B]现在我尽量把作文中的句子写的短一些，清楚一些。



I  think it's a good idea to write clearly (and shortly) first.

ken0405UID: 124994

hehe
thanks to gteryy, smm, and tommatoeggs.