Argument1 新手练笔 求拍~

algabraUID: 2748722

题目：
The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."

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习作：

The vice president of Nature's Way proposed to build the next new store in Plainsville because he thought residents in that city were concerned with healthy lives as the health clubs were popular and relevant goods sold good and this concern would earn the company high profit according to previous experience. Also, he thought that the 'fitness for life' program required for local child would bring many new customers to the store. However, I found this argument weak.

The previous experience did not stand under any circumstances. If majority of residents in Plainsville were young and strong, they may prefer to keep healthy by taking part in exercises instead of by taking health food. Some health food was aimed at special groups of people. For example, the sugar-free food was designed for diabetics. Common people would not purchase this kind of food for themselves. In fact, from the fact listed in the passage, we can arrive to the conclusion that people in Plainsville were keen on sports. So this kind of concern with health could hardly generate high profit for the company by promoting the sale of health food. And no information about "other health-related products" mentioned in the stem was provided, so no deeper conclusion may be made.

For the same reason, I doubted that the 'fitness for life' would become a good resource of profit to the company because the program had focused on regular exercises rather than health food. Moreover, parents would prevent their child from having specially designed food in case of undesired side-effects.

The vice president should give the detailed list of the products as well as investigate the distribution of local population. If there were large number of old people and suffers of some special diseases who relied on health food to keep healthy, or there were many young ladies who cared about the beautiful curves and wanted to keep fit through dietic tea, or there were a lot of professionals who took invigorants to keep energetic, or there existed groups of residents that could be the aim of other products sold by the Nature's Way in Plainsville, then, it may be reasonable to open the new store there.

erikxtUID: 2485344

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."

The vice president of Nature's Way proposed to build the next new store in Plainsville because he thought residents in that city were concerned with healthy lives as the health clubs were popular and relevant goods sold good and this concern would earn the company high profit according to previous experience. Also, he thought that the 'fitness for life' program required for local child would bring many new customers to the store. However, I found this argument weak.

The previous experience did not stand under any circumstances. If majority of residents in Plainsville were young and strong, they may prefer to keep healthy by taking part in exercises instead of by taking health food. （嗯，他因）Some health food was aimed at special groups of people. For example, the sugar-free food was designed for diabetics. Common people would not purchase this kind of food for themselves. In fact, from the fact listed in the passage, we can arrive to the conclusion that people in Plainsville were keen on sports. So this kind of concern with health could hardly generate high profit for the company by promoting the sale of health food. And no information about "other health-related products" mentioned in the stem was provided, so no deeper conclusion may be made. (这句chinglish，用without…吧)

For the same reason, I doubted that （是否该用个whether？）the 'fitness for life' would become a good resource of profit（没有这种说法吧） to the company because the program had focused on regular exercises rather than health food. Moreover, parents would prevent their child from having specially designed food in case of undesired side-effects.（又是他因）

The vice president should give the detailed list of the products as well as investigate the distribution of local population. If there were large number of old people and suffers of some special diseases who relied on health food to keep healthy, or there were many young ladies who cared about the beautiful curves and wanted to keep fit through dietic tea, or there were a lot of professionals who took invigorants to keep energetic, or there existed groups of residents that could be the aim of other products sold by the Nature's Way in Plainsville, then, it may be reasonable to open the new store there.（这段我就不细看了，貌似句子还不错。）

基本上看到的是以他因驳斥，貌似没有什么对逻辑推理部分的辨析吧。这个文章语言功夫还不错，看着比较顺。建议多看看精华贴，掌握更多破题技巧，学会讲究逻辑链，总觉得驳他因比较weak。

StefanaUID: 2143510

你或许能和这位探讨下。他/她写了篇同题文。 https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1048898

minor_majorUID: 2502168

1# algabra
Theprevious experience did not stand under any circumstances. If majorityof residents in Plainsville were young and strong, they may prefer tokeep healthy by taking part in exercises instead of by taking healthfood. Some health food was aimed at special groups of people. Forexample, the sugar-free food was designed for diabetics. Common peoplewould not purchase this kind of food for themselves. In fact, from thefact listed in the passage, we can arrive to the conclusion that peoplein Plainsville were keen on sports. So this kind of concern with healthcould hardly generate high profit for the company by promoting the saleof health food. And no information about "other health-relatedproducts" mentioned in the stem was provided, so no deeper conclusionmay be made.

我给翻译一下，你自己就能看出问题了
过去的经验在任何条件下都不能成立。如果P的大多数居民是年轻强壮的，那么他们会选择运动而不是健康食品。健康食品是适用于特殊人群的，比如有针对糖尿病的，普通人不会买这样的东西。事实上，从文章来看，我们能得出这样的结论，P的居民爱运动。因此，这样的关于食品的观点不能给公司推广健康食品带来利益。而且，没有关于其他产品的信息，不能得出更多的结论~

OK，现在来看看问题：
首先看，你第一个想怀疑的对象是什么，有怀疑才有反驳~
从文章来看，你的第一个反驳的对象是条件不成立，对象不对，那么这个组织的是不是有点乱呢？
条件不成立-》（为啥）-》因为地域不同，不能一概而论——》（为啥）-》因为地域不同之后，人的习惯可能会不同（他因）——》（人的习惯不同会有啥后果）-》人们如果是倾向于运动，而不是靠食物来保持体形，会.....——》即使，人们需要依靠食物，那么人们会希望依靠这个食物么-》如果不依靠食物，那么公司怎么获利呢？

以上是一个思路~个人观点~仅供参考

其实写文章是一个思维与基础的语法的过程
在文章的写作的过程中，多问自己几个为什么，多推推，多按照常理，最基本的逻辑来理顺文章
那么文章的结构会相对来说更加清晰一些。因此，构思的时候，一定要完善了才动笔，不要养成写写改改的习惯。

在动笔后，希望能好好的专研下语法，这样写的作文更出色~

最后，希望能减少一些模版的句子，多一些结构上支持的逻辑关系，呵呵~从中文翻译出来，你也能看到
模版化的东西，用母语看，一下子就忽略过去了，因为知道这个显然是废话~呵呵~

加油~共勉之

algabraUID: 2748722

我现在一个小时里只能发一篇，所以就在一个帖子里回啦...

2# erikxt
嗯，我只看出来一处可驳的问题，所以整篇都是奔他去的...  谢谢你的建议! 我会继续加油，加强辨析能力的！ :-)

3# Stefana
好，谢谢你牵线~

4# minor_major
其实我想说的是，关心健康的人也可能很热衷锻炼，从而身体比较好，不需要特殊设计的健康食品，因此不一定能为NW带来很高的利润，因为这家店是卖健康食品的；我也不知道NW的其他产品具体是什么，因此，无法得出更进一步的结论。 但是表达得确实比较混乱... 我的逻辑链是不是太长了呢？我在修改这段...
谢谢你的提醒和建议！ :-)

minor_majorUID: 2502168

5# algabra
其实我想说的是，关心健康的人也可能很热衷锻炼，从而身体比较好，不需要特殊设计的健康食品，因此不一定能为NW带来很高的利润，因为这家店是卖健康食品的；我也不知道NW的其他产品具体是什么，因此，无法得出更进一步的结论。 但是表达得确实比较混乱...我的逻辑链是不是太长了呢？我在修改这段...
谢谢你的提醒和建议！ :-)
你这个其实是包含了两层意思，一个是关于人不需要产品，所以产品卖不掉
另一个是包括，就算人要产品，产品是什么，是不是符合当地人的爱好不知道，所以可能卖不到

这个是两个逻辑，需要分开来讨论逻辑漏洞的。

NaperyUID: 2710990

写argue之前 最好划一下逻辑链 这样整个人的思路 也比较清晰
记得cmj和米饭斑竹 之前做过这样的帖子的 你可以搜索一下

algabraUID: 2748722

6# minor_major
嗯，对的，你说的很有道理，我再改改去！

7# Napery
好的，我去找找~ :-)

algabraUID: 2748722

6# minor_major

我重新写了这段：

The popularity of health clubs and hot sale of relevant goods did not necessarily followed that people in Plainsville would fancy the health food of the Nature's Way. If majority of residents in Plainsville were young and strong, they may prefer to keep healthy by taking part in exercises instead of by taking health food. As a result, the market demand was possibly very low in that city. Furthermore, a lot of health food was designed for special groups of people. For example, the sugar-free food was aimed at diabetics and common people seldom purchased it for themselves. So the demand may become even lower if the main products provided by the Nature's Way were something like this. Unless detailed information about the health food and other goods in this store was provided and such possibilities were ruled out, the vice president's conclusion was unconvincing.

minor_majorUID: 2502168

6# minor_major

我重新写了这段：

The popularity of health clubs and hot sale of relevant goods did not necessarily followed that people in Plainsville would fancy the health food of the Nature's ...
algabra 发表于 2010-1-14 16:53

我直接写文章里面吧
Thepopularity of health clubs and hot sale（你确定是这样的用法么？) of relevant goods（整个这个词组是不是需要用更简单的词语来表达，一方面节约时间，一方面可以更清晰的达到你要说的效果） did notnecessarily followed that people in Plainsville would fancy the healthfood of the Nature's Way.（感觉这里可以加一句话，Choices of people to keep healthy varies with places这样起头一下，然后后面是接着他因，感觉更顺利一些）. If majority of residents in Plainsville wereyoung and strong, they may prefer to keep healthy by taking part inexercises instead of by taking health food. As a result, the marketdemand was possibly very low in that city. Furthermore, a lot of healthfood was designed for special groups of people. For example, thesugar-free food was aimed at diabetics and common people seldompurchased it for themselves. So the demand may become even lower（这里还是有细微漏洞啊，销售实际比预期低两个原因，一个是产品不对路，另一个原因是销售预测偏高，很可能是销售预期包含的东西更多，而实际销售中，这方面的内容没包括。在这里，具体来说是这样的，如果过去的经验就是NW的产品针对特定人群的，那么你的这个反驳没有意义了。所以，如果你要反驳这个点，我觉得你可以说一些过去的信息以及关于经验的东西太迷糊了，举几个反例推翻 if themain products provided by the Nature's Way were something like this.Unless detailed information about the health food and other goods inthis store was provided and such possibilities were ruled out, the vicepresident's conclusion was unconvincing.

我只是写出个人的建议，
个人拙见
你还需要锻炼找到思维链，不要跳跃，沉下心来，把这个段子，或者说这个文章好好理顺了，那么
从这个第一篇开始，未来的A就是简单的机械劳动，会简单多了
所以，我建议，把这个文章研究一下，搜索下论坛上，同样这个文章的写法，争取写出来一个更严密逻辑的东西

加油，共勉之

algabraUID: 2748722

10# minor_major

我重新写了一遍文章，麻烦再帮我看看哦，谢谢！

The vice president of the Nature's Way (NW) proposes to build next new store in Plainville since he considers residents there highly concerned with leading healthy lives as sport equipments sell well and local healthy clubs are popular. According to previous experience, NW earns most profit in areas where people care about healthy lives. Also he thinks the required healthy program for schoolchildren will bring a new generation of customers to the store. However, I found this conclusion unconvincing because of several flaws.

First, the popularity of sport equipments and healthy clubs is not enough to prove citizens in Plainville are concerned with healthy lives. It is possible that people purchase running shoes and exercise clothing just for wearing comfortably or a temporary fashion caused by a new movie stimulates the young to chase those goods. Obviously, such popularity has nothing to do with health. Another problem is that whether the passion for local health club has risen gradually during the past five years or it burst out in short time. The former represents an ideal trend of people's caring about healthy lives, but the latter does not. The conclusion would be more valid if those possibilities above had been ruled out.


Second, the premises of previous experience are so vague that conclusions should not be made simply by this experience since different conditions may induce different results. People in Plainville may still not welcome health food sold by NW even if they are really concerned with healthy lives. For example, some people prefer to keep health by taking part in physical exercises rather than having health food while others reserve. If the majority of residents in Plainville belong to the former, is NW capable of changing their choices by advertising or other methods? For the same reason, it is doubtful whether the 'fitness for life' program would bring new customers to NW as it has announced to focus on regular exercises. Moreover, there may be other competitors selling similar products in the city and having occupied the market already. If so, has NW any unique advantages such as superior qualities or perfect service, to attract customers? The vice president fails to take those factors into consideration and thus weakens the conclusion.

In order to make the proposal convincing, the vice president should first investigate the preference of local people and market conditions carefully. If residents in Plainville are not only keen on healthy lives but also willing to arrive the purpose by health food, and there are still no similar stores in the city, or NW has got ready for all possible situations, then it may be reasonable to open the new store there.

minor_majorUID: 2502168

扫了一下，感觉每个段落的点质疑的比较合理了
但是，还是希望精简下语言，举一个例子吧：
For example, some people prefer to keep health（KEEP HEALTHY) by taking part in physical exercises rather than having（TAKING） health food while others reserve（？？？while后面引导的这个句子是什么意思呢？）. If the majority of residents in Plainville belong to the former（本来这里不是两个很清晰的一前一后的关系，就直接说majority of population choose this感觉会舒服一些，个人观点，呵呵）, is NW capable of changing their choices by advertising or other methods?（这个是疑问句吧，我有点不明白为什么这里会选择疑问句，我理解的意思是，你在这里用了设问句，因为结果显然，但是其实在实际过程中，疑问句就给逻辑链带来了漏洞，显得不严谨，我完全可以说，NW有机会啊，现在不吃不代表将来不会吃，NW的居民会跟随着广告来吃~~~让我想起了黄金搭档和脑白金！~~~ For the same reason, it is doubtful whether the 'fitness for life' program would bring new customers to NW as it has announced to focus on regular exercises.

改过的文章比以前看上去结构更清晰了，看得出，质疑的点和写文章的角度也不同了
如果可以的话，把两者结合下，列出AGRUMENT 1 的逻辑链

这样再改一下吧~
会越来越顺利的

加油@！

algabraUID: 2748722

12# minor_major

我又改了一下，增加了一个反驳的点；也修改了一下行文，不过还有点啰嗦和单调... 能不能帮忙再看下呢？

Argument1 逻辑链：
在Plainville，运动服装和跑步鞋卖得很好，健康俱乐部很受欢迎，因此人们很关注健康；
根据以往经验，NW在居民较关注健康生活的城市能取得高利润；
同时，‘fitness for life’项目可以为NW带来新客户；
因此，NW的下一家分店应该开在Plainville。

反驳点：
1、 运动设备卖得好和健康俱乐部的流行不一定表示当地人关注健康
    a、人们购买运动鞋和衣服可能只是因为穿着舒适，或者是暂时的流行；
    b、俱乐部是逐渐流行的还是在短时间内突然火起来的？前者可能意味着当地人逐渐开始关心健康，后者则不一定。

2、 以往经验的前提没有说清楚，不能笼统运用。副总裁没有考虑到影响利润的其他因素。
    a、即使关注健康，当地人可能选择多运动而不是吃健康食品；
    b、当地可能已经有出售健康食品的公司，这样市场竞争会大大削减NW的利润。

3、 'fitness for life'项目不一定会带来新客户 （这个点在之前几篇中就提了一句）
    a、这个项目不一定能成功普及“健康生活”的概念；
    b、这个项目侧重于日常运动，和健康食品没有直接关系。

正文：

The vice president of the Nature's Way (NW) proposes to build next new store in Plainville since he considers residents there highly concerned with leading healthy lives as sport equipments sell well and local healthy clubs are popular. According to previous experience, NW earns high profit in areas where people care about healthy lives. He also thinks the required healthy program for schoolchildren will bring a new generation of customers to the store. However, I found this conclusion unconvincing because of some flaws.

First, the popularity of sport equipments and healthy clubs is not enough to prove citizens in Plainville are concerned with healthy lives. It is possible that people purchase running shoes and exercise clothing just for wearing comfortably or a temporary fashion caused by a new movie stimulates the young to chase those goods. Obviously, such popularity has nothing to do with health. Another problem is that whether the passion for local health club has risen gradually during the past five years or it burst out in short time. The former represents an ideal trend of people's caring about healthy lives, but the latter does not. The conclusion would be more valid if those possibilities mentioned above had been ruled out.

Second, the premises of previous experience are so vague that conclusions should not be made simply by the experience. The vice president fails to consider other elements affecting the sale. For instance, even they caring about health, some people prefer to keep healthy by taking part in physical exercises rather than taking health food. If the majority of residents in Plainville choose this, whether NW is capable of changing their choices remains a question. Moreover, there may be other competitors selling similar products in the city and having occupied the market already. If so, NW would earn far less profit because of fierce competition. The failure to take all these factors into consideration weakens the conclusion inevitably.

Third, whether the 'fitness for life' program would bring new customers to NW is doubtful. It is still uncertain how successfully this program would spread the healthy life notion in the schoolchildren. Even if it turns out to be a successful one, the program will not encourage children to buy health food directly since it has announced to focus on regular exercises. There is no direct link between this program and high profit in NW. So a decision based on this information is quite unreasonable.

In order to make the proposal convincing, the vice president should first investigate the preference of local people and market conditions carefully. If residents in Plainville are not only keen on healthy lives but also willing to arrive the purpose by health food, and there are still no similar stores in the city, or NW has got ready for all possible challenges, then it may be reasonable to open the new store there.

minor_majorUID: 2502168

我扫了一下，文章有些细节语法有些小问题，算了，以后会慢慢好的~
基本上是按照反驳点而翻译过来的
有些语法和句子比较僵硬吧，多写些，以后就会好一些的
下一个找个高频的来写，找个小组跟着
然后多讨论，多上线看看别人的作文

多思考
自然会长进很多的

文章的框架基本比较合理的，我感觉，下一步就是如何提高语言的精确程度了，找个只有多写，多帮别人改，让别人多改你的同一个文章，看看其中的语法问题了

加油~期待你的下一个突破~！