作文！

追风骑士UID: 2742719

There is general discussion nowadays about whether people should spend their money on short term pleasure. Those who support this opinion argue that individual can gain many pleasure such as vacation because they can visit various city as well as country and understand different culture form this place and make friends during vacation. However, as far as I am concerned, I am inclined to support the idea that people should spend money on something last for a long-time.
In the first place, one of my main reasons to support my point of view is that people get more pleasant when they spend money on something last for a long time. When people purchase something that last for a long time, they can appreciate it in the later life and can obtain more pleasant form the appreciation. To take an example, people spend their money to buy valuable jewelry. It is undeniable that valuable jewelry can represent person’s social status. People can wear this valuable jewelry to take part in social activities and give an excellent impression to others. Furthermore, they can receive pleasant from this long term investment because they can get self-confidence by wearing valuable jewelry. If people spend money on something for a short term, they can gain pleasure at a short time. Therefore, people should spend money on something last for a long time.
My point of view constitutes of another reason, which is equally significant, is that spending money on something last for a long time can help people overcome financial shortage. In such a highly competitive society, people may face financial shortage whether you are old people or young people. For instance, Huting, my sister, sell her necklace, which she buys it as her 18 birthday gift, to exchange money to pay tuition fees. If she spends this money to do other things such as vacation, she will have no money to pay the tuition because she just lost her past-time job, which is the only financial resource. Thus, it apparently has many benefits for people to spend money on something last for a long time.
From what has been discussed above, the most striking conclusion is self-evident. We can safely reach the conclusion that people should spend money on something last for a long time because it can bring more pleasure and help people overcome financial shortage.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

这位童鞋请你记得以后求改要把完整的作文原题目放上来。。不然我无法知道你的作文是不是达到了题目的要求。。谢谢~

There is general discussion nowadays about whether people should spend their money on short term pleasures. Those who support this opinion argue that an individual can gain many pleasure such as vacation ('many pleasure' is definitely not correct, but I can't make any suggestion because I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say here. 'Pleasure' can be single or plural depending on whether you are referring to it as a feeling or a physical object/activity of enjoyment.) because they can visit various cities as well as countries and understand different cultures form this place (What place?) and make friends during vacation. However, as far as I am concerned, I am inclined to support the idea that people should spend money on something that lasts for a long-time.

In the first place, one of my main reasons to support my point of view is that people get more pleasant? when they spend money on something that lasts for a long time. When people purchase something that lasts for a long time, they can appreciate it in their? later life and can obtain more pleasant ('Pleasant' is an adjective, and adjectives can't be 'obtained'. I think you mean 'enjoyment'.) from the appreciation. To take an example, people spend their money to buy valuable jewelry. It is undeniable that valuable jewelry can represent a person’s social status. People can wear this valuable jewelry to take part in social activities and give an excellent impression to others. Furthermore, they can receive pleasant from this long term investment because they can get self-confidence by wearing valuable jewelry. If people spend money on something for a short term, they can gain pleasure at for a short time. Therefore, people should spend money on something that lasts for a long time. (Your example is good, but your argument is still a bit weak - the jewelry sure has many merits, but which one of its merits is been described by you as 'long-term'? You need RELATE your example to the point you're trying to argue i.e. you need to describe your example in words that people would normally ASSOCIATE with the topic you're trying to illustrate, not just keep saying about anything you could think about that particular example. In this case, you need only a few keywords like '...take part in many social activities and keep giving excellent impressions to others over the years..'. In other words, you need to think about what words and phrases people would normally think about when you talk to them about 'long term, more pleasures', then put these words into your argument.)

My point of view constitutes of another reason, which is equally significant, is that spending money on something that lasts for a long time can help people overcome financial shortage. In such a highly competitive society, people may face financial shortage whether you are old people or young people. For instance, Huting, my sister, sells her necklace, which she buys bought it as her 18-year-old birthday gift, to exchange money to pay tuition fees. If she spends this money to do other things such as vacation, she will have no money to pay the tuition because she just lost her past-time job, which is the only financial resource. (The mixture of tenses you're using in these two sentences are confusing.) Thus, it apparently has many benefits for people to spend money on something that lasts for a long time. (You seem to be tied on the idea that something that lasts for a long time must be 'valuable'. This is definitely not true. Certain things are expected to be durable and lasting, but not necessarily valuable, e.g. stainless steel utensils..I understand that the 'valuable' part is a reasonable implication, but you need to establish this implication clearly in your opening paragraph by saying that your understanding of 'things that last for a long time' is something that's potentially valuable.)

From what has been discussed above, the most striking conclusion is self-evident. We can safely reach the conclusion that people should spend money on something that lasts for a long time because it can bring more pleasure and help people overcome financial shortage.

总结：

语法 - 在复句中的句法依然比较弱，单复数的使用，尤其第三人称单数，请好好检查。另外就是不要认为题目给你的东西就一定是正确的（如果不是真题的话）而全篇都抄着语法错误的短语 =.=

词汇 - 词汇面比较窄，而且还是会有错误用词的情况。这个属于硬功夫，请继续努力~

逻辑 - 在论述和结构上都有很明显的提高，就是还需要注意 1. 对题目的理解和任何假设，需要在开头段说明 2. 逻辑的发展需要和你想表述的论点相关，也就是我一直说的，一个事情有很多种说法，你要挑一种最能表现你想要表现的论点的说法。具体到做法上来就是像我在第二段的评语所说，你要先想想能够证明你的论点的词汇有哪些，然后用这些词汇来表达你的论据和论证，而不是光看着论据写而不顾你写的是否真正能表现你的论点。。

追风骑士UID: 2742719

对不起！  忘了！  
题目是：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In your opinion, which one is better to spend money on something last for a long time, such as valuable jewelry, or spend your money on short term pleasure such as vacation.

我也是觉得题目有点问题！  但是有不知道真题是什么样的！ 所以就只能这样照着写了！   主要是想看看逻辑有没有好点！

追风骑士UID: 2742719

麻烦大牛再指正一下！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

如果题目是这样，那么你用珠宝来做例子就不用在开头说明，因为题目已经指明了。但是你的逻辑就必须重新集中在better上，也就是要比较。第二个论点的比较做得很好（If she spends this money to do other things..），但是结论还是要集中在better这个关键字上，而不是should。第一个论点没有比较，因为你只说珠宝可以带来long-term pleasure, 别的东西是short-term pleasure, 但是没有具体地说明哪一个better。

你现在对于论据和论证的想法已经逐渐上了轨道，只是一定要注意抓住题目中最最关键的关键字来论证，看到better这样的词结论就应该是better，看到should这样的词结论才应该是should，你现在回去看你最后一段的结论，是should而不是better，这个关键词就不对了，所以虽然你中段论证得还不错，但是最终的结论是不扣题的。请一定要审清题目再下手，不要看到一个疑似道德类的题目就should。。

追风骑士UID: 2742719

谢谢！  非常的准确！  作文考好了请吃饭！  哈哈！ 可是不知道你在那！
能不能留一个你的联系方式！ QQ 或 MSN！   很希望能和你交个朋友！:)