ISSUE130 by emteddybear-求拍，有拍必回，谢谢

emteddybearUID: 2699606

ISSUE130：How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
10：00-14：40，除中间吃饭时间，居然写了这么久
提纲：


1.社会化很重要，有助于孩子们将来融入社会，但这并不能成为他们将来为社会做贡献的唯一基础。
2.对社会而言，对孩子的社会化能够促进社会和谐发展，但并不能决定社会的命运，决定社会命运还有其他很多因素。
3.现在推动社会发展的人们终究会从权利岗位上退休，他们把建设社会的责任传给下一代，那么孩子将成为社会的主力军。但是就目前的教育形式来说，现在的教育事业还是越来越好的，尽管还存在不少的问题

Socialization, as one of the most important items for social development, is intimately connected with the children, who can help bring about a better society. But it is too arbitrary to propose that how to socialize children determines the destiny of society. And being socialized well is not the only element to make people succeed. People have acquired significant progress about how to raise children, but still with some problem to be solved.

Firstly, socialization is so important that it can help children integrate into society better after they grow up. As the definition of socialization, it means process by which people especially children learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment. Specifically speaking, it is to make children to be able to function as a member of their social community. People can't live well in the world unless they have been socialized since they are young. It is a gradual progress. And since people are sensible, they are taught to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in a respectful manner, or even some anti-social behaviors. But socialization is not the most important element to make people be an outstanding man. And in my experience, it is the inner qualities to make an individual significant. For example, Newton discovered the gravitational force inspired by an apple dropping off. This is not because of his socialization, but because of his quality to think hard and observe.


Secondly, as for society, if children are socialized well, it is no doubt that it can make social development progress harmoniously. But when talking about the elements which can determine the destiny of society, it is a so complex issue that we can't generalize it only as how to socialize children. There are many respects to determine the destiny of society, such as citizens' view of value, moral and wealth. Assuming that if all the citizens just know how to tolerate, how to cooperate with others, there will be no passion in the society, and the society will not be evolved. On the contrary, based on socialization, if people all pursue innovation, break the bonds of convention, society will have a destiny with a mushroom growth.

Thirdly, in our modern world, children have received a lot of attention, because they will be the major force of community sooner or later. When people, who promote social development at present, retire from their power and posts, the next generation should shoulder the responsibility of building society. So how to raise children is a big problem. Until now people have acquired significant progress about it, but still with some problem to be solved. For example, We have built more and more universities to let more and more children be educated; the way we educate students are more and more scientific; we pay more attention to children's cooperative, and innovation spirits. But sometimes, we have not got hold of their degree. For instance, too much emphasize the test score will make students neglect practical ability. However, there is no absolute perfect thing in the world, people just do their efforts to make them better. This sentence goes for raise children too. And I am so gratify to see that there are many educators are doing their best to this program. I trust our decedents will be more and more preeminence.

In sum, how to socialize children is very important, but it is not the only one to determine the destiny of either the one individual or a society. And how to raised children has been changed better and better, but still with some problems, which needs more efforts.

emteddybearUID: 2699606

另附写这篇ISSUE时遇到的问题：
1.首段句子能不能用于body作为TS？

2.把ISSUE写成ARGUMENT的问题怎么体现
看到好多人的习作被拍说把ISSUE写成ARGUMENT了，还是有点不明白，而且搞得我写这篇的时候写心惊胆战的，求赐教

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

1. 首段只要亮出自己的观点就行了，没必要把下面要写的TS都括进去，开头还是短小精悍一点比较好，直奔主题，把观点说清楚。

2. 如果要重复相同意思的句子，试着用不同的句式、词汇去表达，体现一个diversity。

3. 所谓把Issue写成Argu就是说一直在找题目的逻辑错误，一直在反驳而没有去证明自己的观点。Issue和Argument的不同在于：Argument不需要你有自己的观点，只要反驳作者在文章里出现的逻辑错误即可，而Issue是要你有自己的一个观点，然后围绕这个观点去展开论证。

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

Socialization, as one of the most important items for social development, is intimately connected with the children, who can help bring about a better(who play an important role in the development of our society) society. But it is too arbitrary to propose that how to socialize children(the way of children's socialization) determines the destiny of society. And being socialized well(good socialization) is not the only element to make people succeed. (these too sentences lack logical connection, you'd better use some connection words to make them connected more tightly.)People have acquired significant progress about how to raise children, but still with some problem to be solved.
（This opening paragraph gives clear opinion. )

Firstly, socialization is so important that it can help children integrate into society better after they grow up. As the definition of socialization, it means process by which people especially children learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment. Specifically speaking, it is to make children to be able to function as a member of their social community. People can't live well in the world unless they have been socialized since they are young. It is a gradual progress. And since people are sensible(I cannot find clear connection between this "since" and the conclusion), they are taught to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in a respectful manner, or even some anti-social behaviors. But socialization is not the most important element to make people be an outstanding man. And in my experience, it is the inner qualities to make an individual significant. For example, Newton discovered the gravitational force inspired by an apple dropping off. This is not because of his socialization, but because of his quality to think hard and observe. (I think this sentence should be put in the next paragraph)

The TS of this paragraph is that socialization is indeed important for children. You give the definition of socilization here. That's great! You also provide the idea that without socilization people cannot live in the society. But the problem is that you have not proved this opinion in good reasoning.You mentioned the importance of negotiation, cooperation, respectful manner and so on. But you do not express clearly why socilization is so important?  



Secondly, as for society, if children are socialized well, it is no doubt that it can make social development progress harmoniously. But when talking about the elements which can determine the destiny of society, it is a so complex issue that we can't generalize it only as how to socialize children. There are many respects to determine the destiny of society, such as citizens' view of value, moral and wealth. Assuming that if all the citizens just know how to tolerate, how to cooperate with others( I think you midunderstand the definition of socialization here. This sentense is a bit like the tongue of argument), there will be no passion in the society, and the society will not be evolved. On the contrary, based on socialization, if people all pursue innovation, break the bonds of convention, society will have a destiny with a mushroom growth.

The TS of this paragraph is that there are many other elements which can affect the development of the society, so that children's socialization is not a determined element. The TS is OK, but you have not proved it. You should give some examples to support your opinion. By the way, someone who received bad socialization when he was a child but succeeded in his later life and bring great development to our society. You should use examples and logically connected words to express your ideas, not to just throw out your opinion and say nothing about why.


Thirdly, in our modern world, children have received a lot of attention, because they will be the major force of community sooner or later. When people, who promote social development at present, retire from their power and posts, the next generation should shoulder the responsibility of building society. So how to raise children is a big problem. Until now people have acquired significant progress about it, but still with some problem to be solved. For example, We have built more and more universities to let more and more children be educated; the way we educate students are more and more scientific; we pay more attention to children's cooperative, and innovation spirits. But sometimes, we have not got hold of their degree. For instance, too much emphasize the test score will make students neglect practical ability. However, there is no absolute perfect thing in the world, people just do their efforts to make them better. This sentence goes for raise children too. And I am so gratify to see that there are many educators are doing their best to this program. I trust our decedents will be more and more preeminence.

Because the theme of this paragraph is in the same line with the former two, you'd better not use "Thirdly" here. The logic is wrong if you do so. Also you should some proper connection words to connect this paragraph with the former two.

In sum, how to socialize children is very important, but it is not the only one to determine the destiny of either the one individual or a society. And how to raised children has been changed better and better, but still with some problems, which needs more efforts.


我觉得这篇文章总体结构和语言还可以，还有以下几点需要改进：

1. 你几乎每一段都有两种观点，两种观点都讲。也就是每一段都有小让步，这样看起来面面俱到，但实际上会导致你整篇文章很混乱，读者会抓不住你的观点。所以我建议你开头来个小让步，说一下社会化确实很重要，然后就展开写社会化不能对社会发展起决定作用的原因，不要每段都是一半让步观点，一半中心观点。

2. 你几乎没有用任何例子证明你的观点。第二段你说还有很多其他因素影响到社会的发展，那就应该举出来，有些什么因素，这些因素是怎么影响社会发展的？要有具体的有说服力的例子来证明你的观点，就算没有例子，逻辑上要把观点证明清楚，不要列一下观点，然后再说一下反面观点，就结束了，这样跟没有证明一样。

3. 最后一段讲的是我们的社会是否很好地教育了孩子的问题，因为这个观点跟前面连接不是很紧密，所以不能用Thirdly，这个不是并列段落，应该说一句承上启下的话把这个问题引出来，然后再证明自己的观点。这段证明的还可以。但是让步的东西还是太多了点，一定要注意证明你的TS，不能证明TS的东西要少写。

个人观点，仅供参考~

emteddybearUID: 2699606

非常感谢
解惑啦
3# AdelineShen

123runfordreamUID: 2697608

ISSUE130：How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
10：00-14：40，除中间吃饭时间，居然写了这么久
提纲：
1.社会化很重要，有助于孩子们将来融入社会，但这并不能成为他们将来为社会做贡献的唯一基础。
2.对社会而言，对孩子的社会化能够促进社会和谐发展，但并不能决定社会的命运，决定社会命运还有其他很多因素。(主要的作用力是什么？在众多的因素中，下一代的是否是最为关键的一个？)
3.现在推动社会发展的人们终究会从权利岗位上退休，他们把建设社会的责任传给下一代，那么孩子将成为社会的主力军。但是就目前的教育形式来说，现在的教育事业还是越来越好的，尽管还存在不少的问题
(这两句话之间的联系我不是很明白。递进？并列？转折？)
Socialization, as one of the most important items for social development, is intimately connected with the children(待查！！！), who can help bring about
(这个范围是否扩大了？谁能够直接带来和间接带来是有区别的。Can help 的意思貌似没有区分主次。)a better society. But it is too arbitrary to propose that how to socialize children determines the destiny of society. And being socialized well is not the only element to make people succeed. People have acquired significant progress about how to raise children, but still with some problem to be solved.
Firstly, socialization is so important that it can help children integrate into society better after they grow up. As the definition of socialization, it means process by which people especially children learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment. Specifically speaking, it is to make children to be able to function as a member of their social community. People can't live well in the world unless they have been socialized since they are young. It is a gradual progress. And since people are sensible, they are taught to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in a respectful manner, or even some anti-social behaviors. But socialization is not the most important element to make people be an outstanding man. (有偷换概念的嫌疑。If to be an outstanding man is a way and the only way to determine the destiny of society, you must state that. If not, then don’t change the conception.) And in my experience, it is the inner qualities to make an individual significant. For example, Newton discovered the gravitational force inspired by an apple dropping off. This is not because of his socialization, but because of his quality to think hard and observe. (inner qualities 怎么来的？我个人觉得有必要说明一下。Inner qualities 来自自我学习，是否和社会化有一定的联系？或者社会化对inner qualities的形成是否有关系？牛顿的例子不能完全说明是inner qualities，个人觉得。)


Secondly, as for society, if children are socialized well, it is no doubt that it can make social development progress harmoniously.(这个观点个人很赞同。)
But when talking about the elements which can determine the destiny of society, it is a so complex issue that we can't generalize it only as how to socialize children.
(when talking about..主语是we，后半句it is…前后不一致。) There are many respects( aspects? ) to determine the destiny of society, such as citizens' view of value, moral and wealth. Assuming that if all the citizens just know how to tolerate, how to cooperate with others, there will be no passion in the society, and the society will not be evolved. On the contrary, based on socialization, if people all pursue innovation, break the bonds of convention, society will have a destiny with a mushroom growth. (这点用来反驳下面的better society可能会比较好。Destiny of society 并不代表一定要是创新的之类的。它的意思应该是说明样的社会化情况决定说明样的命运。不代表人人必须创新才能决定社会的命运。)

Thirdly, in our modern world, children have received a lot of attention, because they will be the major force of community sooner or later. When people, who promote social development at present, retire from their power and posts, the next generation should shoulder the responsibility of building society. So how to raise children is a big problem. Until now people have acquired significant progress about it, but still with some problem to be solved. For example, We have built more and more universities to let more and more children be educated; the way we educate students are more and more scientific; we pay more attention to children's cooperative, and innovation spirits. (这句话读起来总是怪怪的。)
But sometimes, we have not got hold of their degree. For instance, too much emphasize
(emphasis on) the test score will make students neglect practical ability. However, there is no absolute perfect thing in the world,
(.) people just do their efforts to make them better. This sentence goes for raise children too. And I am so gratify to see that there are many educators are doing their best to this program. I trust our decedents will be more and more preeminence.
In sum, how to socialize children is very important, but it is not the only one to determine the destiny of either the one individual or a society. And how to raised children has been changed better and better, but still with some problems, which needs more efforts.

另附写这篇ISSUE时遇到的问题：
1.首段句子能不能用于body作为TS？
我印象中是可以的。
2.把ISSUE写成ARGUMENT的问题怎么体现
看到好多人的习作被拍说把ISSUE写成ARGUMENT了，还是有点不明白，而且搞得我写这篇的时候写心惊胆战的，求赐教
My understanding: 就本题而言，其实就是题目提出的论点，你不同意的部分进行说明，严厉点是攻击! 比如，前面部分，孩子的社会化决定了社会的命运。你不同意，为什么等等。写着写着就是篇argument了。后一部分也是类似的。


批后感：1，我的感觉是你审题没有完全审明白。概念过大且模糊化。提纲可以看出结构的关系，但不够严谨。
2，确实可以以argument的角度来攻击。对于题目前后两句的statement分别提出看法，但其中的关系不应该是first， second， third 这样的分点。
3，语法部分，前后一致应该没有问题吧？我只是担心，提醒下。