Issue30 Issue总是木有进步，求狂拍啊

Jamin_CheungUID: 2752925

TOPIC: ISSUE30 - "The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."
WORDS: 572
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-1-17 22:13:54

The speaker contends that the advancement of technology aims primarily to increase people's efficiency so that we have more leisure time. It's true that technological development gives rise to high efficiency. However, as far as I am concerned, it fails to bring more leisure time to us and even in some time decrease people's spare time. Besides, the goal of it is more than to offer more leisure time.

Noboday can contradict the deep influence and benefits which the techonology offers to human beings through the inhancement of people's efficiency. We can see convience and improvement given by it in every aspect of the society. The creation of modern transportations like planes, automobiles and undergrounds make us able to travel quickly and to father places. As a result, the reduction of time wasted on the way attributes to better untilizaton of workers' schedule. And the appearance of computers and internet add new vitality to our life, for it turns the dream into reality that we can finish all things, say working, meeting, shopping, and studying, staying at the same place. In addition, various softwares meeting customers' needs liberate people from duplication of labor. Obviously, techonology filling our daily life increase our efficiency by time-saving and subsituting for humans to do some tasks.

Realizing the improvement in efficiency by technological advancement, let's consider the writer's claim that thanks to it everyone has more leisure time. I think that in some occasions, the claim may be persuasive while wrongheaded in other cases. The wide use of electrical machines such as washing machines frees housewives from the heavy housework, providing them with more leisure time. Women can get rid of such works which their life were full of in old time and go out to the society enjoying their time.

Yet, the reality turns out to be an affront to the speaker's claim towards leisure time. Looking into time that people spend on vacations, to our suprise, it never becomes longer as we expected. Compared to the conditon that there was usually one breadwinner in an average family, today there are two breadwinners in a family. Both men and women have to struggle for money to afford the family. In fact, as technological advancement inhance the efficiency in plants, the plant owners cut down his employees in order to seek more profits. As a result, although the machines applied in the fatories help do quite a few jobs, fewer workers have to keep eyes on more streamlines. To some extent, human beings turn to be attached to machines, exhausted. It is the expansion of longing for money that reduces the labors' leisure time through the application of mechines.

What's more, the primary goal of technological advancement is more than to save more time for entertainments. Building a better life should be prior to it. New effective medicines are expected to be sythesized to cure more diseases quickly, making people live longer without pains from illness. To obtain one effective and safe medicine, chemists have to devote all time to studying on it. But even if their leisure time is occupied, they will never regret about the loss because they are doing something more important on the sakes of others. So the primary goal lie in the contribution of a better life rather than gaining more leisure time.

In sum, I concede that technological advancement help speed up our efficiency but it fails to directly lead to increase in leisure time. I hold that the primary goal of technological development should be to provide a better life to humankind.

Jamin_CheungUID: 2752925

总觉得Issue写得匆匆忙忙，异常单薄……
例子不具有说服力。
怎么办呀？

manfred_huiUID: 2689901

1# Jamin_Cheung

为什么大家都只发笑脸呢，呵呵，就帮你改改吧

The speaker contends that the advancement of technology aims primarily to increase people's efficiency so that we have more leisure time. It's true that technological development gives rise to high efficiency. However, as far as I am concerned, it fails to bring more leisure time to us and even in some time decrease people's spare time. Besides, the goal of it is more than to offer more leisure time.
观点比较清楚，词汇及语言还有待改善

Noboday (Nobody) can contradict the deep influence and benefits which the techonology offers to human beings through the inhancement (enhancement) of people's efficiency. We can see convience (convenience) and improvement given by it in every aspect of the society. The creation of modern transportations like planes, automobiles and undergrounds make us able to travel quickly and to father places. As a result, the reduction of time wasted on the way attributes to better untilizaton (utilization) of workers' schedule（这个感觉比较别扭）. And the appearance of computers and internet add new vitality to our life, for it turns the dream into reality that we can finish all things, say working, meeting, shopping, and studying, staying at the same place. In addition, various softwares meeting customers' needs liberate people from duplication of labor. Obviously, techonology (technology) filling our daily life increase our efficiency by time-saving and subsituting (substituting) for humans to do some tasks.

例子都不错，但表达上显得有些啰嗦，这个也是我常犯的错误，可以学学ECO的文章（也是gter上别人分析的），比如下面一段讲“军用技术转化到民用的”
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Miltary technology which filters to consumers
THE earliest computers were used to crack codes and simulate(模仿) nuclear explosions(核爆炸).The internet grew out of(产生于；因长大而丢弃) a military research project. In-car navigation(航海，导航) systems rely on satellites that were put into orbit(轨道) to guide ships, troops and missiles(导弹). The Boeing 747, with its raised(凸起的，上升的)
cockpit(驾驶舱), was designed as a military transporter. In each case a technology created for military use has gone on to(接着，延续到) become widely used by civilians. （四个例子都是用一句话描述，且长短不一，清楚有力）That this happens so often is not surprising: the military is, after all, a deep-pocketed(有钱的) customer prepared to fund the development of expensive new technologies(科技进步发生在军队的原因). As gizmos(新玩意，小发明) become smaller and cheaper—and they invariably(不变地，总是) do—they are then able to percolate(过滤，渗出) from the soldier on the battlefield to the man in the street.(形象的表达科技从军事到大众生活的渗透应用)
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Realizing the improvement in efficiency by technological advancement, let's consider the writer's claim that thanks to it everyone has more leisure time. I think that in some occasions, the claim may be persuasive while wrongheaded in other cases（这句不错，学习了）. The wide use of electrical machines such as washing machines frees housewives from the heavy housework, providing them with more leisure time. Women can get rid of such works which their life were (was) full of in old time (感觉有点怪) and go out to the society enjoying their time.
(也许这样会好一点Women, once stay all day long at the kitchen and laundry, now play an active role in many fields of the society.)
看这段开头提到while wrongheaded in other cases感觉你要讲tech并不一定增加leisure time，但后面的例子却说的是household appliances解放了妇女，使她们融入到社会，但她们的leisure time是增加了，还是减少了呢？

Yet, the reality turns out to be an affront to the speaker's claim towards leisure time. Looking into time that people spend on vacations, to our suprise (surprise), it never becomes longer as we expected. Compared to the conditon (condition) that there was usually one breadwinner in an average family, today there are two breadwinners in a family. Both men and women have to struggle for money to afford the family. (这里是不是想进一步说人们的工作时间实际上是增加了，但表达的不太清楚) In fact, as technological advancement inhance (enhance) the efficiency in plants, the plant owners cut down his employees in order to seek more profits. As a result, although the machines applied in the fatories (factories) help do quite a few jobs, fewer workers have to keep eyes on more streamlines (流水线吗，pipeline可能更好点). To some extent, human beings turn to be attached to machines, exhausted (想说人成了机器的附庸吗？感觉有点突然，和前后没太大联系). It is the expansion of longing for money that reduces the labors' leisure time through the application of machines.

What's more, the primary goal of technological advancement is more than to save more time for entertainments. Building a better life should be prior to it. New effective medicines are expected to be sythesized (synthesized) to cure more diseases quickly, making people live longer without pains from illness. To obtain one effective and safe medicine, chemists have to devote all time to studying on it. But even if their leisure time is occupied, they will never regret about the loss because they are doing something more important on the sakes of others. So the primary goal lies in the contribution of a better life rather than gaining more leisure time.
这段的观点不错

In sum, I concede that technological advancement help speed up our efficiency but it fails to directly lead to increase in leisure time. I hold that the primary goal of technological development should be to provide a better life to humankind.

Issue的确比较难，这篇是模考的吧，感觉写得比较匆忙。
首先把拼写错误减少，模考后看看自己有哪些是常错的。另外觉得比较大的问题就是感觉你写着写着就会忘掉一段的TS了（我也老是这样，最近看别人分析eco的文章，发现那些文章每段都很有逻辑，段间的转换也很自然），要注意例子是不是紧扣主题。还有语言方面，不用都用长句，有时短的句子反而表达的更清楚。
水平有限，就给你这点建议吧。

Jamin_CheungUID: 2752925

真的好诡异啊，前面的人怎么都在发笑脸……

谢谢你啦，帮我改得这么认真。
感觉自己还有好多地方要改进，sigh.
11# manfred_hui