issue130——by C。 草木组及非草木组的孩子们欢迎拍拍。

123runfordreamUID: 2697608

What the assertion says, I agree that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Therefore, I disagree with the latter presume.

Society is like a complex network, including millions of circumstances, which is a mess, if, without governing by some definite rules. Talking about good or bad a society is, we need to take account for these two aspects, as my suggestion, the material and the nonmaterial one. Undoubtly, no one would like to be poor. And almost every country is pursuing more benefits in economic way. For a society, the more rich life its people have is a sign of better to some extent. And also, putting the society into a better condition should be judged in its spiritual degree, the awareness of its people, which is determined by the education, either officially or personally.

Socialization becomes an important course in education, while nobody is alone in the world. Except families, the connection with others is necessary, for one has to survive society. He has to go to school, work, and entertainment. Then socialization cannot be ignored. My understanding of socialization is how a person can communicate with others well.

Personal communicating can bring about the benefits of information’s expending. Company’s communicating will gain the effect of cooperation, which is seen a vital issue in today’s progress. Country’s communicating, which is the serious important one, can put the country and world into peace or war position. Cultural communicating can make people come from different areas, religions, colors and other special attributes understand each other better, lead our communities to harmony.

And since children will replace who now alive in society sooner or later, teaching them being socialized is going to determine the destiny of society. The more socialized the children are, the better communication they will be, the harmony the circumstance will be, and the better the society will be.

However, as the claims mentions, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, and I doubt it.

As the globalization time, people aware of the important of communication with differences. E-communication is the products coming from that. Our schools teach students a second language, tell them learn about the exotic culture, and show them the distinction between them and others and how to improve it. Our parents pay more and more attentions to tell their children how to get well along their friends and relatives. Aren’t these showing how we can raise our children to become more socialized?
(举例子！！！)

The meaning of life for the whole society is how to delivery the spiral. Generation pass by to the next one. We have to confess that children are the hope for the society. And since the tight connection with each other, learning how to be socialized has becoming more and more important. It determines the destiny of society. Fortunately, we our society are doing better and better to teach children to be more socialized, because we know how to raise them.



红色部分是很不满意的。急着发上来想各位看看思路是否有戏。
欢迎挑刺。
不介意我水平的童鞋，我愿意帮忙拍。吼一声留给链接就ok啦！
先谢谢各位了~~

sunflower_irisUID: 2720580

我沙发来拍
What the assertion says, I agree that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Therefore, I disagree with the latter presume.

Society is like a complex network, including millions of circumstances, which is a mess, if, without governing by some definite rules. Talking about good or bad a society is, we need to take account for these two aspects, as my suggestion, the material and the nonmaterial one. Undoubtly, no one would like to be poor. And almost every country is pursuing more benefits in economic way. For a society, the more rich life its people have is a sign of better to some extent. And also, putting the society into a better condition should be judged in its spiritual degree, the awareness of its people, which is determined by the education, either officially or personally.

Socialization becomes an important course in education, while nobody is alone in the world. Except families,
(我觉得可以不用,familiy仍然需要connection,也是others的一部分)the connection with others is necessary, for one has to survive （in the）society. He has to go to school, work, and entertainment. Then socialization cannot be ignored.
My understanding of socialization is how a person can communicate with others well.

Personal communicating can bring about the benefits of information’s expending. Company’s communicating will gain the effect of cooperation, which is seen a vital issue in today’s progress. Country’s communicating, which is the serious important one, can put the country and world into peace or war position. Cultural communicating can make people come from different areas, religions, colors and other special attributes understand each other better, lead our communities to harmony. （这一段在说communicating的重要性，和上一段有所重复，是不是可以两段合并，先说socialization的定义，然后说明socialization的重要性，所以socialization在education中不可忽视，这样是不是更清晰一点？）

And since children will replace who now alive in society sooner or later, teaching them being socialized is going to determine the destiny of society. The more socialized the children are, the better communication they will be（have）, the more harmony the(去掉) circumstance will be, and the better the（去掉） society will be.

However, as the claims mentions, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, and I doubt it.

As the globalization time, people aware of the important（importance）of communication with differences. E-communication is the products coming from that. (So) Our schools teach students a second language, tell them learn about the exotic culture, and show them the distinction between them and others and how to improve it. (And )Our parents pay more and more attentions to tell their children how to get well along (with) their friends and relatives. Aren’t these showing how we can(可以去掉吧) raise our children to become more socialized?

The meaning of life for the whole society is how to delivery the spiral. Generation pass by to the next one. We have to confess that children are the hope for the society. And since the tight connection with each other, learning how to be socialized has becoming more and more important. It determines the destiny of society. Fortunately, we our society are doing better and better to teach children to be more socialized, because we know how to raise them.

开头说明同意孩子社会化决定社会命运，否定教育还没有找到途径使孩子更加社会化。开门见山，没啥好说的。
BODY第一段说衡量一个社会是不是better要从物质和精神两方面出发，精神层面的进步取决于教育。
第二段说社会化重要性，并说明社会化的定义是与人交流的能力。
第三段说交流的重要性。
第四段说孩子的社会化程度决定交流程度，从而决定社会和谐和社会命运。
第五段转折，重申不认为教育没有找到使孩子更加社会化的方法。
第六段举例说明教育在很多方面对孩子社会化的教育是有的。
第七段总结重申观点，也没啥好说的。
主要来说说BODY吧，按照这个列下来的提纲我觉得本身逻辑很简单，就是社会化决定社会命运，而对孩子社会化的教育是有成果的，但论述本身并不明确。首先，socialization和communication的混用，这是两个并不完全相等的名词，是不是应该更强调二者之间的关系，这也是为什么我说把二三段合并理顺逻辑关系的原因。其次，第一段和后面的联系并没有那么紧密，精神层面进步取决于教育，但是需要论述的是取决于孩子社会化的教育，是不是应该说its spiritual degree取决于社会化因素呢？第三，从更有效的交流到和谐环境的构建再到更好社会的发展与第一段提出的精神层面衡量又有怎样的联系呢？我觉得这些可以更细致更清晰。
C，加油吧。

emteddybearUID: 2699606

板凳？

番茄斗斗UID: 2720914

板凳都没有。。。

番茄斗斗UID: 2720914

What the assertion says, I agree that howchildren are socialized today determines the destiny of society.Therefore,(??why therefore?这个连接词放在这很不妥) I disagree with the latter presume.

Society is like a complex network, includingmillions of circumstances, which is a mess, if, without governing（being governed） bysome definite rules. Before Talking about what a good or bad a society is, we need totake account for these two aspects, as my suggestion, the material andthe nonmaterial one. Undoubtly, no one would like to be poor. Andalmost every country is pursuing more benefits in an economic way. For asociety, the more rich life its people have is a sign of better to someextent. And also, putting the society into a better condition should bejudged in its spiritual degree, the awareness of its people, which isdetermined by the education, either officially or personally.

My understanding of socialization is how a person cancommunicate with others well. （KEY WORDS的再定义要放在前面）Socialization becomes an important course ineducation, while nobody is alone in the world. Except families, theconnection with others is necessary, for one has to survive society. Hehas to go to school, work, and entertainment. Then socialization cannotbe ignored. （社会化=能和别人沟通？还是=在社会中生存？感觉前者只是后者的一部分，C显然想表达的是后者，可是在对KEY WORDS的再定义中倾向了前者，导致后文的都是围绕着COMMUNICATION讨论，有偏题的迹象。如果想表达的是前者，那这样的论述显然也是很不够的，揭露一个事实：he has to go school,work..并没有直接让你的论点直接过渡到communication很重要上，换句话说，进一步的说理是很有必要的）

Personal communicating can bring about thebenefits of information’s expending. Company’s communicating will gainthe effect of cooperation, which is seen a vital issue in today’sprogress. Country’s communicating, which is the serious important one,can put the country and world into peace or war position. A well-established Culturalcommunicating（communication） can make people come from different areas, religions,colors and other special attributes understand each other better, leadour communities to harmony.

And since children will replace who now alive insociety sooner or later, teaching them being socialized is going todetermine the destiny of society. The more socialized the children are,the better communication they will be, the harmony the circumstancewill be, and the better the society will be.

However, as the claims mentions, we have not yetlearned how to raise children who can help bring about a bettersociety, and I doubt it.

As the globalization time, people are aware of theimportant(importance) of communication with differences. E-communication is theproducts coming from that(what is that?). Our schools teach students a secondlanguage, tell them learn about the exotic culture, and show them thedistinction between them and others and how to improve it(improve the distinction??应该是：get used to it). Our parentspay more and more attentions to tell their children how to get wellalong their friends and relatives. Aren’t these showing how we canraise our children to become more socialized?


The meaning of life for the whole society is howto delivery the spiral. Generation pass by to the next one. We have toconfess that children are the hope for the society. And since the tightconnection with each other, learning how to be socialized has becomingmore and more important. It determines the destiny of society.Fortunately, we our society are doing better and better to teachchildren to be more socialized, because we know how to raise them.

理一下逻辑线：
1.评定社会的好坏有精神层面和物质层面的两个标准，来源于学习的精神层面，更重要--虽然题目提到了EDUCATION,但是我觉得它的重点在于EDUCATION是否SOCIALIZED，因此这里纯粹的说学习很重要，显然有点脱节，尤其是后一段冷不丁的说人是社会中的人，所以是不是应该和倒数第二段结合在一块呢？
2.因为人是社会中的人，所以联系必不可少，所以需要社会化--communication=socialization? 有点偏题了哦，其实我觉得重点应该放在如何suffer society上比较好
3.人际之间的联系能扩大信息的传播，这对社会进步有益
4.作为下一代的孩子，他们的社会化教育因此显得非常重要
5.教育孩子的方式还是可行的，网络沟通+父母的教导

emteddybearUID: 2699606

What the assertion says, I agree that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Therefore【这个是因此的意思吧？但是前后没有因果的意思呢】, I disagree with the latter presume.
【好简洁的开头段！！！！】

Society is like a complex network, including millions of circumstances, which is a mess, if, without governing by some definite rules. Talking about good or bad a society is, we need to take account for these two aspects, as my suggestion, the material and the nonmaterial one. Undoubtly, no one would like to be poor. And almost every country is pursuing more benefits in economic way. For a society, the more rich life its people have is a sign of better to some extent. And also, putting the society into a better condition should be judged in its spiritual degree, the awareness of its people, which is determined by the education, either officially or personally.
【写得挺好的】

Socialization becomes an important course in education, while nobody is alone in the world【我觉得这句貌似不是很恰当，前后两句是什么关系啊？】. Except families, the connection with others is necessary, for one has to survive society. He has to go to school, work, and entertainment. Then socialization cannot be ignored. My understanding of socialization is how a person can communicate with others well.

【我觉得这段读起来不是很顺，但是我又不知道不顺在哪儿，⊙﹏⊙b汗，能力有限】

Personal communicating can bring about the benefits of information’s expending. Company’s communicating will gain the effect of cooperation, which is seen a vital issue in today’s progress. Country’s communicating, which is the serious important one, can put the country and world into peace or war position. Cultural communicating can make people come from different areas, religions, colors and other special attributes【这两个单词是不是和前面的come from不搭啊？】 understand each other better, lead our communities to harmony.

And since children will replace who now alive in society sooner or later【(⊙o⊙)…你的这句话意思是不是说孩子迟早会代替现在活在社会上的人？我觉得他们只是代替老一辈的人继续承担责任吧，老一辈的人也可以或者啊，只是不工作而已】, teaching them being socialized is going to determine the destiny of society. The more socialized the children are, the better communication they will be, the harmony the circumstance will be, and the better the society will be.【强悍排比句】

However, as the claims mentions【mention or claim】, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, and I doubt it.

As the globalization time, people aware of the important of communication with differences. E-communication is the products coming from that. Our schools teach students a second language, tell them learn about the exotic culture, and show them the distinction between them and others and how to improve it. Our parents pay more and more attentions to tell their children how to get well along their friends and relatives. Aren’t these showing how we can raise our children to become more socialized? 【我觉得这三段还要再排排，理顺一些，这段举例子，我都要往前看看才知道你的逻辑基点在哪儿】
(举例子！！！)

The meaning of life for the whole society is how to delivery the spiral【怎么来了个这个，是不是和前面的nonmaterial one对应？】. Generation pass by to the next one. We have to confess that children are the hope for the society. And since the tight connection with each other, learning how to be socialized has becoming more and more important. It determines the destiny of society. Fortunately, we our society are doing better and better to teach children to be more socialized, because we know how to raise them.【好像文章没有提到为什么我们知道怎么raise them？】

番茄斗斗UID: 2720914

嘿嘿，我的同主题130：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... xtra=#pid1773578626
C用力拍哈～～

doudou4208UID: 2755549

红色部分是我觉得有点问题的地方，紫色是针对论证逻辑想跟lz讨论的东西和对lz文章思路的理解，蓝色是想跟lz交流写作的，可能有点细，麻烦楼主啦。

What the assertion says, I agree that how （两个连词不能同时出现，注意哦，这是严重语法错误~~） children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Therefore （however是不是更好，因为是个让步的意思，therefore有点因果关系，比较突兀）, I disagree with the latter presume. （开头直奔主题，我自己觉得有点突兀，但看论坛里大家都这么说的，所以想跟你交流下这样写的好处是什么）

Society is like a complex network, including millions of circumstances, which is a mess, if, without governing by some definite rules.（我觉得这个句子很好，想跟lz交流下“if ever, if any 或者if的用法”） Talking about good or bad a society is, we need to take account for（考虑的意思吧，但我查的是take account of） these two aspects, as my suggestion（学术性文章最好不要出现my suggestion/I think之类的语言）, the material and the nonmaterial one(我感觉后面不需要加one吧，因为前面没有，后面给人感觉很奇怪). Undoubtly（这个词一直没查到，而且word有红线）, no one would like to be poor. And almost every country is pursuing more benefits in economic way. For a society, the more rich life its people have (是想说人民富有的程度吧，我觉得没有体现出程度，我觉得可以写成how rich life its people have ) is a sign of better to some extent. And also, putting the society into a better condition should be judged in its spiritual degree, the awareness of its people, which is determined by the education, either officially or personally.（说明自己观点，并在最后提出主张）

Socialization becomes an important course in education, while nobody is alone in the world. Except families, the connection with others is necessary, for one has to survive society. He/She(这样更严谨，上gre班的结果。。) has to go to school, work, and entertainment. Then socialization cannot be ignored. My understanding of(同样的不要出现my understanding这样的话，我也理解lz的意思而且有时我也想这么说，但目前还没找到方法，我再问问别人，然后跟你交流一下) socialization is how a person can communicate with others well.
（socialization的重要性，论点鲜明）

Personal communicating can bring about the benefits of information’s expending. Company’s communicating will gain the effect of cooperation, which is seen a vital issue in today’s progress

（这句没看懂）. Country’s communicating, which is the serious（我记得是adv修饰adj吧，lz再查查。。。我是不是看得太细了。。。seriously） important one, can put the country and world into peace or war position. Cultural communicating can make people come from different areas, religions, colors and other special attributes(应该是people的定语吧，最好加个who或者coming) understand each other better, lead our communities to harmony.(communicating 的重要性)

And since children will replace who now alive in society sooner or later, teaching them being socialized is going to determine the destiny of society. The more socialized the children are, the better communication they will be（理解lz意思，但我觉得有点they will be communication,be不太好，建议换个词。。我自己也没想出来）, the harmony the circumstance will be, and the better the society will be.

However, as the claims mentions（单复数问题）, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, and I doubt it.

As the globalization time(没明白，是想说随着全球化…还是在当今全球化的时代), people aware of the important (importance) of communication with differences（怎么跟differences communicate?我觉得可以用the + a.来表达一类人或一类事吧）. E-communication is the products单复数问题 coming from that. Our（our问题） schools teach students a second language, tell them learn about the exotic culture, and show them the distinction between them and others and how to improve it(指代关系混乱，没看懂). Our parents pay more and more attentions to tell their children how to get well along their friends and relatives. Aren’t these showing how we can raise our children to become more socialized?（用e-communication，第二外语还有家长的例子来说明我们目前socialization的方式，例子说服力不够吧）
(举例子！！！)

The meaning of life for the whole society is how to delivery (deliver) the spiral. Generation pass by to the next one. We have to confess that children are the hope for (of ) the society. And since the tight connection with each other, learning how to be socialized has becoming(时态有点奇怪，我觉得可能是我的问题，请lz跟我讨论下) more and more important（这个词文中出现太多次了，significant替换下）. It（指代不清，是前面整个句子还是什么） determines the destiny of society. Fortunately, we our（表强调还是打错了？） society are doing better and better to teach（用培养替换下cultivate） children to be more socialized, because we know how to raise them.（觉得最后的论证有点散了，可能是没耐心了吧，到最后也要咬着牙坚持哦）


我也是个新手逻辑问题没法给你太多意见，但说了下看完的感受~~凑合看吧~~可能语法会太细，lz别介意~~

doudou4208UID: 2755549

我也有写，使劲儿拍哦~~~https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... 6amp%3Btypeid%3D101