issue243【clover】第二次小组作业 by 桔子susan

桔子susanUID: 2754084

今天实在想不出怎样扩增文章了，很短，如果我有新的想法，自己修改时会加上去。短也多拍拍啊。

243. "The true value of a civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than in its scientific accomplishments."


Civilization, defined as a relatively high level of cultural and technological development, calls for two essential factors: art and science. In this case, I assert that the true value of civilization is reflected in both its artistic creations and its scientific accomplishments.

On one hand, artistic creations stand for human's emotional aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects. These creations express the cognition from the external world and the feeling from the internal emotion of human beings. The cognition and the feeling, then evolve to human’s unique ideas and customary beliefs, which are parts of culture. The Last Supper, a masterpiece created by Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci, reflects human’s complicated mentation and religious ideas. Therefore, we can look into an artistic creation to get better undestanding of culture development.

On the other hand, scientific accomplishments stand for human’s intellective aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects. Along with the development of technology, human turn from some limited lows of the nature to scientific accomplishments. Some significant accomplishments bring people to new eras of civilization. The Industrial Revolution brought with it a bloom of science in numerous fields. That sweeped human beings to a new cognition of the world. Consequetly, scientific accomplishments reflect the true value of civilization.

In sum, I assert that the true value of a civilization is reflected in both artistic creations and scientific accomplishments. Artistic creations bring humanity and culture into a place that was once cold and technological. Scientific accomplishments bring new technologies for development of artistic creations and culture. To reflect the true value of civilzation, each one could not be ignored.

tofeeUID: 2485486

:)

桔子susanUID: 2754084

比上次多了一点分析，还是偏短，谢谢tofee同学的例子

Civilization, defined as a relatively high level of cultural and technological development, calls for two essential factors: art and science. The true value of it embodies in the human's growing cognition of world and productivity growth. In this case, I assert that the true value of civilization is reflected in both its artistic creations and its scientific accomplishments.

On one hand, artistic creations stand for human's emotional aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects. These creations express the cognition from the external world and the feeling from the internal emotion of human beings. The cognition and the feeling, then evolve to human,s unique ideas and customary beliefs, which are parts of culture. Through ceaseless ponderer and endless expression, people come to a new era of cognition to world, a part of the true value of civilization. The Last Supper, a masterpiece created by Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci, reflects human's complicated mentation and religious ideas. Therefore, we can look into it to get better undestanding of the Renaissance cognition of world and culture development.

On the other hand, scientific accomplishments stand for human's intellective aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects. Along with the development of technology, human turn from some limited lows of the nature to scientific accomplishments. Some significant accomplishments accelerate the growth of pruductivity, the other part of the true value of civilization. For instance, Iron was first used in Hittite, a feebly civilization in Asia 1400 years ago and then spread to the Europe. From then, human beings enter to a higher-grade era, Iron era. The Industrial Revolution brought with it a bloom of science in numerous fields. That sweeps human beings to an unprecedented prosperous world. Consequetly, scientific accomplishments reflect the true value of civilization.

In sum, I assert that the true value of a civilization is reflected in both artistic creations and scientific accomplishments. Artistic creations bring humanity and culture into a place that was once cold and technological. Scientific accomplishments bring new technologies for development of artistic creations and culture. To reflect the true value of civilzation, we should marry artistic creations and scientific accomplishments, each one could not be ignored.

wcnkUID: 2546550

Civilization, defined as a relatively high level of cultural and technological development, calls for two essential factors: art and science. The true value of it embodies in the human's growing cognition of world and productivity growth. In this case, I assert that the true value of civilization is reflected in both its artistic creations and its scientific accomplishments.

On the one hand, artistic creations stand for human's emotional aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects. These creations express the cognition from the external world and the feeling from the internal emotion of human beings. The cognition and the feeling, then evolve to human's unique ideas and customary beliefs, which are parts of culture. Through ceaseless ponderer and endless expression, people come to a new era of cognition to world, a part of the true value of civilization. The Last Super, a masterpiece created by Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci, reflects human's complicated mentation and religious ideas. Therefore, we can look into it to get better undestanding of the Renaissance cognition of world and culture development.

On the other hand, scientific accomplishments stand for human's intellective aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects. Along with the development of technology, human turn from some limited lows ?of the nature to scientific accomplishments. Some significant accomplishments accelerate the growth of pruductivity, which represents the other part of the true value of civilization. For instance, Iron was first used in Hittite, a feebly civilization in Asia 1400 years ago and then spread to the Europe. From then, human beings enter to a higher-grade era, Iron Age. The Industrial Revolution brought with it the bloom boost of science in numerous fields. ,that sweeps led human beings to an unprecedented prosperous world（好！）. Consequetly, scientific accomplishments reflect the true value of civilization.

In sum, I assert that the true value of a civilization is reflected in both artistic creations and scientific accomplishments. Artistic creations bring humanity and culture into a place ?到底说什么？that was once cold and technological. Scientific accomplishments bring new technologies for development of artistic creations and culture 不是并列关系吧. To reflect the true value of civilzation, we should marry artistic creations and scientific accomplishments, each one could not be ignored.

段落清晰，不过我不太支持这种思路~~；
红色是我改的，黄色我没看懂，另外达芬奇的例子连画的名字都没说，是不是应该点一下，还能多点字数~~以上~

桔子susanUID: 2754084

貌似抢到了银落的修改铺:victory: 落落，与wcnk同学互改后，就产生了疑惑，我那样的思路到底会不会偏题，第二次自改进行得很纠结，所以一大早就过来抢位置，听听你的意见，我再自己改第二遍。

wcnkUID: 2546550

我也想知道这个问题的结果，
关注。。。

附上我的第二次修改：

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1057342-1-1.html

银落版主如果有时间也麻烦大概看看~~

flearUID: 2533174

我看了首段 "Civilization, defined as a relatively high level of cultural and technological development, calls for two essential factors: “这里看出lz根本就没有理解mw里面对于civilization的解释 更没有理解题目中civilization的解释 题目中civilization意味文明 而非一个过程 而这句里竟然用call for作谓语 很明显吧civilization当做一个过程理解了
另外 纠正一个词的用法 embody in，true value是embody的宾语 用被动

银落UID: 2632560

issue243"The true value of a civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than in its scientific accomplishments."

Civilization, defined as a relatively high level of cultural and technological development, calls for two essential factors: art and science. The true value of it embodies in the human's growing cognition of world and productivity growth. In this case, I其实不要出现这样的类似于北美范文式的句子比较好。直接用一句TS表达观点即可。 assert that the true value of civilization is reflected in both its artistic creations and its scientific accomplishments.

第一段比较简洁。最好在每句句子之间添加一些连词啦，副词啦，把句子与句子之间的关系表达得更加清楚比较好。

On one hand, artistic creations stand for human's emotional aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects（was reflected）. TS These creations express the cognition from the external world and the feeling from the internal emotion of human beings. The cognition and the feeling, then evolve to human,s unique ideas and customary beliefs, which are parts of culture.从这里开始，上半段和下半段的衔接有些生硬 Through ceaseless ponderer and endless expression, people come to a new era of cognition to world, a part of the true value of civilization. The Last Super, a masterpiece created by Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci, reflects human's complicated mentation and religious ideas. Therefore, we can look into it to get better undestanding of the Renaissance cognition of world and culture development.

这一段刚开始的论证还比较好。从ts开始，然后开始一步步逻辑论证。你这一段的中心思想是：从艺术是人类情感的表达，而情感可以反映文明。但是，你先是从理论上说，创造表达内心情感，情感演化成idea和belief，而idea和belief是文化的一部分。首先，这两个观点，你是直接强加给读者的。你应该先要有例证来substantiate创造可以表达内心情感。然后，你还需要说明为情感是如何演化成idea和belief的，并且，为什么idea和belief就能够成为文化的一部分呢？这些你都没有论证，而是直接给出观点了。这就造成文章观点的突兀和论证上的缺陷了。而对于后半段的例子，最好再加上一句，同时期的艺术作品也有着类似的作用，and almost all works of art as well.会比较好。因为，你是在泛论，而达芬奇的作品只是一个，你需要指出，这一个是具有代表性的。

On the other hand, scientific accomplishments stand for human's intellective aspect, in which the true value of a civilization reflects（was reflected）.TS Along with the development of technology, human turn from some limited lows of the nature to scientific accomplishments. 论证事实Some significant accomplishments（achievement） accelerate the growth of pruductivity（productivity）, the other part of the true value of civilization.这句话可以不要了。文章开头已经提到过了。 观点For instance, Iron was first used in Hittite, a feebly civilization in Asia 1400 years ago and than spread to the Europe. From then, human beings enter to a higher-grade era, （这里可以用破折号代替逗号比较好）iron era（Iron Era，记得要大写）. The Industrial Revolution brought with it a bloom of science in numerous fields. That sweeps（swept，这个是过去的事情了吧） human beings to an unprecedented prosperous world. 例子Consequetly（consequently= =+又是拼写错误）, scientific accomplishments（这个词第三次出现在这一段里面了，换词，splendid） reflect the true value of civilization.总结
这一段里，每一句话的作用我都用蓝色笔给你标出来了。那么请问，你的论证说明到哪里去了？只是将观点和事实拼接在一起，而没有将观点和例证用论证说明的话语巧妙地连接起来，那么文章就是失败的。

In sum, I assert that the true value of a civilization is reflected in both artistic creations and scientific accomplishments. Artistic creations bring humanity and culture into a place that was once cold and technological. Scientific accomplishments bring new technologies for development of artistic creations and culture. To reflect the true value of civilzation, we should marry artistic creations and scientific accomplishments, each one could not be ignored.
结尾习惯性不看

总结：首先文章里面的语法错误和拼写错误我就不多说了。入组的要求以及这些天的语法练习自己有没有做到心理要清楚，没有做到，就要好好地去查漏补缺，而不要逃避掉。而且，这已经是你修改过一次的文章了，为什么还是有这些错误，我也有点不太明白。
每一段论证的好坏，我都写在每一段后面了。这些评论和整个issue的主题无关，我只是单步地评论了你的论证。
其次，说下你整体文章和破题的方向。这篇文章的关键词和中心词我用蓝笔在题目上表明出来了。那么，你是说两者都表现了一部分。那么到底谁更加关键呢？为什么两者同样关键呢？可比性呢？还有没有别的东西（出去这两者以外的）也可以表现一个civilization的呢？这些破题的关键方向你都没有说清楚。所以说，下次在动笔前要好好思考清楚，文章的整体方向在哪里。不然，文章再好，跑题了也是没有用的。

Anyway，继续加油吧。

a08805436UID: 2725634

than 里面蕴含了比较的意味，而文章中只是吧science 和art分开在写，其实可以多加一段两者比较，或者直接把观点改成哪个好些  额~我的作文也是这个问题

桔子susanUID: 2754084

刚刚看到了落落的修改了， 当时破题方面确实出现了问题，同时对这个段落的展开叙述，如何把例子与论述连接起来做得确实不够，这正是我最需要提高的地方。至于拼写和语法错误（惭愧啊，第一次修改的时候没注意到，回去恶补去），好吧，我回去大改去。