[每日一评] Argument 2 by 辰--Argument中如何表现行文逻辑

tracywlzUID: 2522388

本期的每日一评来自的Argument 2 by 辰
原文在此：https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1057535

2. The following appeared in a letter sent by a committee of homeowners from the Deerhaven Acres to all homeowners in Deerhaven Acres

"Seven years ago, homeowners in nearby Brookville community adopted a set of restrictions on how the community's yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted. Since then, average property values have tripled in Brookville. In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres, we should adopt our own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting."
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Grounding on the fact that average property values of Brookville have tripled after the local community adopted a series of restrictions on how the community’s yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted seven years ago, and then making the hypothesis that the same situation will happen to Deerhaven Acres as well, the author curtly draws the summary that Deerhaven Acres should adjust their plan to the restrictions on landscaping housepainting in order to raise property values.
第一段最好直接写出作者是在哪里出错了，而不是把作者的根据和结论直接复述一遍。因为第一段要给判卷者一种感觉是，看了你一段就要知道此篇写什么，如何写了。

However, the author obviously has overlooked other alternatives that have caused the escalation in the property values(这里指出的第一个错误是escalation的其它原因，最好总结一下从时间上，从因果联系上。) For a start, for instance, perhaps the same method loses its power effective as it used to be seven years ago.（这里写的是过去不等于现在，但是本段开头又写的是其它原因，所以我觉得这里有点偏离本段中心。） It is entirely possible that this idea was original and encouraging enough at that time to attract the retail traders to open stores or malls there, making the place a crowded shopping centre bit by bit, thus boost the values of properties tremendously. And here the second alternative comes. Perhaps it is not the limitation but some other reasons such as developing income that have enabled Brookville to achieve the success in property values. Hence the author should reckon（这个reckon有点不恰当。mw中的解释偏向于think as，即有很大程度的猜想在里面，而这里应该选取表示考虑的词比较合适） the reasons of the upswing in essence. All roads lead to Rome(这里用得不恰当). Therefore, in order to attract more merchants to trade（这里和作者想要表达的property values有出入） in Deerhaven Acres, there exists else measures, which could substitute the introduction of that limitation（最好说明为什么需要代替那些limitation）, such as hiring more traffic police to ameliorate traffic condition. As a suggestion, the author needs to figure out the essential way which meets the goal of Deerhaven Acres to rationalize the advice.
其实本段文章是想从since then质疑。那么本段开头就可以直接说since then这里有问题。然后再一一说明。

In addition, it is also not so wise adopt the Brookville-style restriction in regardless of the difference between these two districts. It might be the case that this action may cause nothing but an unexpected disaster in that the local people have no idea about how to landscape the yards and color the exteriors of homes in a proper way as those in Brookville did. Ultimately, it might cost much to purchase a large amount of paint and make little profits for not looking the way as intentioned to obtain traders or other opportunities. And what’s more, even if the author ascertain that such kind of behavior is able to simulate values（这里最好强调说一下in DA）, other homeowners may disagree on it and give other proposal which seems much better than they think. In this case, the author had better alter his suggestions such aspects as advertising the situation that has already happened to Brookville to ensure that the other committees are willing to accept it.[/font.
注意题干中最后一句话的不适用于DA，那么上段本身就犯了个错误。因为上文写的是要采取自己的restrictions！然而第三段就犯了这个错误。没有强调出作者这个own的正确性，而是一起批判了。然后每段写完中心句不要急着举例子，应该分析下作者什么地方错了，为什么会错（如果找得出）。argument并不是要我们单纯的举出一些例子来反驳提干的正确性，而是identify之后需要analyze，这里也是判分的重要标准。


To sum up, the suggestion should be submitted before the problems discussed above have been solved, including the differences between the two districts and the two period of time and so forth.(从这里看，你找出来了2个错误。我觉得有点少了，我认为最好3个或以上。) Moreover, it is equally important that whether Deerhaven Acres is worthy of benefitting by increasing the average property values. Also, ameliorating resources in tourism could be an intelligent idea in realizing the target.. （这点有问题。提干是In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres,即最终目的不是这里所写的target，而是property values，因此这里我觉得没必要太发散了。）

如果我写这篇文章，中间错误分析我会分三部分。首先是针对since then，然后再是时间地点的不同导致两者不能采取相同的措施。然后再通篇来看，这个tripled是作者想要的结果么？即B的triple可能是相对其它来说的减少，然后这三点用递进连接。

StefanaUID: 2143510

SF，没分加了。