ISSUE48 求拍

tszxl1989UID: 2744153

48The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten.

提纲：

1、1著名人物有推动作用
2、2但人民大众才是最重要的力量，著名人物只是催化作用
3、3然而对著名人物的更多研究是必要：第一，能激励人民；第二，他们的确学习。然而过于强调个人则会出现个人英雄主义的趋势


What would come to our mind when we talk about big events in the history, such as the Independence of United States of America, the Reform and Open Policy in China or the non-violent civil disobedience in India? Most of us would recall the great persons whose names have been repeated thousands of times since we first know the history. However, few can remember the unidentified people, who were led by Washington, Deng Xiaoping, Gandhi, or other famous individuals, even though they are the driving force of the history, and ultimately determine the ends of those significant events.

Admittedly, individuals, usually the leaders of significant events or trends, can exert tremendous influence on history. Gorge Washington, the chief commander in the American revolutionary force and the first president of USA, made the unprecedented contribution by defeating the British army, and therefore freed the land from the destiny of colonization by establishing a country of freedom and independence. Deng Xiaoping’s the Reform and Open Policy made free marketing, for the first time, possible in China. By interacting with the whole world, China is able to present a completely different gesture, full of passion and enthusiasm. Mahatma Gandhi, whose name means the Great Soul, devoted all his life fighting against the colonization of the Great Britain. His non-violent civil disobedience inspired millions of people to fight for their civil rights in a peaceful manner and ultimately achieve their goals.

Nevertheless, is that true that individuals have the power to determine the history? According to the socialists, great though is the impact exerted by the individuals, the history are created by the majority of people in the society. In other words, the major people in the current situation is the driving force and has the capacity to determine the trends of the history,. Meanwhile, the great individuals can only serve as catalysts, which can speed the process of the history but can never change it. For instance, while we are admiring the significant contribution made by Gorge Washington, we may fail to recognize that, after 176 years of colonization by the Great Britain, it is a historical inevitability for American people to seek independence, for it is the American peoples’ will to develop the productive capacity fettered by the British colonizers, for it is the American people’s will to get rid of the destiny of being robbed. Consequently, what Gorge Washington do is just to present the general will, the will held by all the Americans, and lead them to fight for their dreams. Without him, the United States of America may not become independent so early as in the year of 1776, but it is doomed that one person, whose name may not be Gorge Washington, would finally appear and lead the Americans to independence.

However, even if individuals are not the deciding force of any significant events and trends in the history, it is necessary for the history study to put emphasis on those people. We have to admit, those individuals, who are capable to become the leaders in important historical events, posses many outstanding qualities missing from ordinary people, such as willpower, perseverance, charisma. All these qualities are great treasure for all the people, no matter their ages, social classes and colors,. In addition, according to the western behaviorists, we are living in an era lack of heroes, who always serve as a belief in human history. Admiration towards them and the will to become them encourage people to be more enterprising and enthusiastic. However, we can not neglect the dangers of individual heroism, caused by over-emphasis on heroes and the failure to recognize the importance of ordinary people.

Thanks to the history study, which puts more emphasis on individuals, Gorge Washington, Deng Xiaoping, and Mahatma Gandhi, are all heroes we admire, and we always dream to be one of them in the future, to be heroes recorded by the history. However, if we fail to recognize the actual mechanism of the development of human history, we can never succeed to fulfill our dreams.

lovevincentUID: 2726149

我大概浏览一下楼主的提纲和内容。
首先你的语言很自然流畅值得称赞。 并且作者也不时的提出不同的例子来辅助自己。
但是不难发现作者的作文存在下面的不小但是也很重要的问题：
１　你的文章可能逻辑不够鲜明　开头段的观点太“含蓄”并且没有引领下文
２　虽然楼主的文章对ＩＳＳＵＥ的题目做出了一定的论述但楼主的文章并没有太严密的问绕着ＩＳＳＵＥ题目的要求进行论述。我个人觉得这个问题可能让你作文题目的变得平平。
３　我要再次对楼主的语言水平表示称赞，但是你的文章论点的确不够新颖并且深刻。很难给考官带来耳目一新的感觉。
　　我想楼主一定很清楚知道自己的优点所在，因此我的ｃｏｍｍｅｎｔ也没有指出太多ｐｏｓｉｔｉｖｅ的东西，并且楼主发帖可能寻找更多的进步，但是楼主不要感觉ｆｒｕｓｔｒａｔｅｄ，看得出你的基本功真的很扎实词汇也很好，所以这篇作文不存在大问题，更多的是论点和结构的思考。
　　　加油。:)

jinziqiUID: 2387034

为啥倒数第2段最后一句又说“However, we can not neglect the dangers of individual heroism, caused by over-emphasis on heroes and the failure to recognize the importance of ordinary people.”这样不是容易产生歧义么，按理说你是支持多研究个人的，但是你又把弊端给说出来了，又没提出解决办法...so建议改一下使观点更明确~
个人意见，如有不妥，请指出~ 或许我理解不当~

tszxl1989UID: 2744153

我当时是想，如果这样说的话会使我显得考虑比较全面，逻辑最圆满一点儿。 如果提出反面的问题，还需要写出解决的办法吗？ 我感觉我是用一个over emphasis 表达后，就暗示了下解决的办法就是适当emphasis吧。呵呵 我是新手，这是ISSUE的第4篇，好多地方不了解，请教，请教:) 3# jinziqi

tszxl1989UID: 2744153

非常感谢lovevincent，我的文章也被其它的一些人看过，但是没有人的评价比你的更有价值了。我在这里也说说我的看法以及对你说出的问题的一些解决方法，你看看成不成。
1、开头问题，开头“含蓄”的确是我的一个弊端，我不喜欢模版化的直来直去的开头，感觉是这样用的人太多了，但不能否认这种开头也有非常有利的地方。所以我结合了一下，将第一段改了下：
What would come to our mind when we talk about big events in the history, such as the Independence of United States of America, the Reform and Open Policy in China or the non-violent civil disobedience in India? Most of us would recall the great persons whose names have been repeated thousands of times since we first know the history. However, few can remember the unidentified people, who were led by Washington, Deng Xiaoping, Gandhi, or other famous individuals, even though they are the driving force of the history, and ultimately determine the ends of those significant events. From my point of view, I believe the study of history should adapt a moderate attitude towards the famou few, rather than places too much emphaiss on them; and those people, whose identities have been long forgetten, however, should be attached more importance to.
这段我加了一句话，我感觉这样的话就直白了很多，更贴近题目，而且自己的观点也明确了很多。

2、你指出文章没有严密按照题目的要求论述，这个问题我看了看，也是很明显的，写着写着我就忘乎所以了......就忘记题目要求论述的是什么，感觉大概意思符合这成了。现在看来，这个相当危险的，我以后一定注意。针对这篇文章，我添加了几句话，感觉就和题目要求贴近了很多：
第二段：
One important reason to explain the preference in the study of history is that, individuals, usually the leaders of significant events or trends, can exert tremendous influence on history. Gorge Washington, the chief commander in the American revolutionary force and the first president of USA, made the unprecedented contribution by defeating the British army, and therefore freed the land from the destiny of colonization by establishing a country of freedom and independence. Deng Xiaoping’s the Reform and Open Policy made free marketing, for the first time, possible in China. By interacting with the whole world, China is able to present a completely different gesture, full of passion and enthusiasm. Mahatma Gandhi, whose name means the Great Soul, devoted all his life fighting against the colonization of the Great Britain. His non-violent civil disobedience inspired millions of people to fight for their civil rights in a peaceful manner and ultimately achieve their goals.
第三段：
Nevertheless, is that true that individuals have the power to determine the history?  Is that justified for them to draw all the attention by the historians?  According to the socialists, great though is the impact exerted by the individuals, the history are created by the majority of people in the society. In other words, the major people in the current situation is the driving force and has the capacity to determine the trends of the history,. Meanwhile, the great individuals can only serve as catalysts, which can speed the process of the history but can never change it. For instance, while we are admiring the significant contribution made by Gorge Washington, we may fail to recognize that, after 176 years of colonization by the Great Britain, it is a historical inevitability for American people to seek independence, for it is the American peoples’ will to develop the productive capacity fettered by the British colonizers, for it is the American people’s will to get rid of the destiny of being robbed. Consequently, what Gorge Washington do is just to present the general will, the will held by all the Americans, and lead them to fight for their dreams. Without him, the United States of America may not become independent so early as in the year of 1776, but it is doomed that one person, whose name may not be Gorge Washington, would finally appear and lead the Americans to independence. From this persepective, those unidentified people ,who stand behind the glorious famous few, seem deserve more attention in the study of history, rather than stay unnoticed for the most of time.
第四段：
However, what I am asking for a moderate emphasis towards the great individuals, for the reason that, we have to admit, even if individuals are not the deciding force of any significant events and trends in the history, studying them can benefit the whole society a lot. First of all, those individuals, who are capable to become the leaders in important historical events, posses many outstanding qualities missing from ordinary people, such as willpower, perseverance, charisma. All these qualities are great treasure for all the people, no matter their ages, social classes and colors,. In addition, according to the western behaviorists, we are living in an era lack of heroes, who always serve as a belief in human history. Admiration towards them and the will to become them encourage people to be more enterprising and enthusiastic. However, if we place so much emphasis on the famous few that the importance of those unidientifed people behind them are neglected, we are facing the dangers of individual heroism and are doomed to fail in the future.
最后一段：全改
In sum, I oppose to the study of history, where the famous few are over emphasised and those unidentified people, who are essentially the driving force and deciding factor of the history, are neglected. However, considering great social impact it will bring, moderate emphasis on the great individuals in the study of history should also be encouraged. Only in this way, we can recognize the objective mechanism of the development of human history, while, at the same time,  people still have their heroes.

这样子一改，我感觉观点就明确了很多，逻辑性明确上了一个档次。呵呵，还请lovevincent再指导指导。

3、至于观点新颖深刻： 这个我感觉一个原因是思想深度不够，另外一个原因就是想的够，草草下手，关于这点，也将给小弟帮帮忙，看看有什么办法解决没。

另外，再次致以诚挚的谢意~ 我4月13号的机试，一起加油~！！！




2# lovevincent

lovevincentUID: 2726149

我早你一天考AW啊 4 12~ 我在上海财大考~加油　　看你的作文我也有收获啊。　大家共勉　冲刺５！