【clover】ISSUE170 BY Misir (第四次作业)

misirUID: 2684938

TOPIC: ISSUE170 - "The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but the general welfare of all its people."
WORDS: 565
TIME: 01:20:54
DATE: 2010/2/10 19:02:08

A nation is made up of various kinds of people, like the rulers, the artists, the scientists, and so forth. While the achievements of these people always make the nation more developed and the life more convenient, the general welfare of its people also improves.

In the modern times, our society is multi-dimensions, and it can be indicated from many aspects. The leaders' behavior can always reflect the beliefs and stands, which will decide the political ways to the nation. A good example is Soviet Joseph Stalin, a communist, who led the nation to be a united country. When it comes to the artists, I have to mention Leonardo da Vinci and the others who lived in the Renaissance. Their art works led the revolution of art, which also influenced the whole nation. As for scientists, like Newton or Einstein, they made breakthrough to not only the physics, but also the academia and the whole world.

To make a detailed explanation, let's take example of the achievements of the scientists, which can be the indicator of a great nation. We are here, taking the GRE test, what we write will be sent to ETS. What makes it possible? The, computers, the internet, the whole information technology, you may answer. Yes, these tools and methods help us do many things which beyond our ancestors' imagination. What's more, the IT industry also changes the name from the industry era to the time we live- the information era. We can not ignore that it is the scientists who devoted themselves, sacrifice themselves, to contributing to what we have now. All the achievements make our life more and more convenient, as well as influence our society, our culture, our environment. So I must say that the achievements made by the scientists are a good aspect to indicate the nation.

To be more insightful, I must say that what the achievements' final purposes have something to do with the general people, not only the general welfare as mentioned in the issue, but also the lifestyle and the ethic standards. The rulers have the duty to lead to nation to be more peaceful and prosperous, the people richer and happier. The artists accomplish pieces of art works, no matter paintings, statues, novels or songs, they always hope to touch the deep heart of audience, to make them think about the society, the life, the ethics and so on. Some ancient masterpieces like the Sphinx in Egypt reflecting the Egyptians' preciseness and domesticated, while the Venus in Rome saying something about the ancient culture and preference, are the successful models explaining the relationship between art and people. To science, as I have mentioned before, its goal is to make our plant a better place to live, maybe sometimes it fails to do so, but most of the time it is approaching to the destination, to change the way we live, to update the ideas and thoughts.

Thus the general welfare of the nation's people is just a part of the nation, it can tell that the nation cares about the people and the people lead a not-too-bad life. To go a further step, we can conjecture that there are other key elements which lead to the phenomenon. The answer partly lies in the achievements of the rulers, artists, and scientists. So we should take a circumspect view, if we want to gain a satisfying solution.

a08805436UID: 2725634

TOPIC: ISSUE170 - "The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but the general welfare of all its people."
WORDS: 565
TIME: 01:20:54
DATE: 2010/2/10 19:02:08
A nation is made up of various kinds of people, like the rulers, the artists, the scientists, and so forth. While the achievements of these people always make the nation more developed and the life more convenient, the general welfare of its people also improves.
个人认为第一段的观点不太明确，作者的意思是想说 随着the achievements of these people
的发展，
社会的福利也在不断提高。但是这里的句式看不出来你要强调的是achievements还是welfare
In the modern times, our society is multi-dimensions, and it can be indicated from many aspects. The leaders' behavior can always reflect the beliefs and stands, which will decide the political ways to the nation. A good example is Soviet Joseph Stalin, a communist, who led the nation to be a united country. When it comes to the artists, I have to mention Leonardo da Vinci and the others who lived in the Renaissance. Their art works led the revolution of art, which also influenced the whole nation. As for scientists, like Newton or Einstein, they made breakthrough to not only the physics, but also the academia and the whole world.
To make a detailed explanation, let's take example of the achievements of the scientists, which can be the indicator of a great nation. We are here, taking the GRE test, what we write will be sent to ETS. What makes it possible? The, computers, the internet, the whole information technology, you may answer. Yes, these tools and methods help us do many things which beyond our ancestors' imagination. What's more, the IT industry also changes the name from the industry era to the time we live- the information era. We cannot ignore that it is the scientists who devoted themselves, sacrifice themselves, to contributing to what we have now. All the achievements make our life more and more convenient, as well as influence our society, our culture, our environment. So I must say that the achievements made by the scientists are a good aspect to indicate the nation.
To be more insightful, I must say that what the achievements' final purposes have something to do with the general people, not only the general welfare as mentioned in the issue, but also the lifestyle and the ethic standards. The rulers have the duty to lead to nation to be more peaceful and prosperous, the people richer and happier. The artists accomplish pieces of art works, no matter paintings, statues, novels or songs; they always hope to touch the deep heart of audience, to make them think about the society, the life, the ethics and so on. Some ancient masterpieces like the Sphinx in Egypt reflecting the Egyptians' preciseness and domesticated, while the Venus in Rome saying something about the ancient culture and preference, are the successful models explaining the relationship between art and people. To science, as I have mentioned before, its goal is to make our plant a better place to live, maybe sometimes it fails to do so, but most of the time it is approaching to the destination, to change the way we live, to update the ideas and thoughts.
Thus the general welfare of the nation's people is just a part of the nation, it can tell that the nation cares about the people and the people lead a not-too-bad life. To go a further step, we can conjecture that there are other key elements which lead to the phenomenon. The answer partly lies in the achievements of the rulers, artists, and scientists. So we should take a circumspect view, if we want to gain a satisfying solution
1 还是审题的问题，题目中的surest 暗含比较的意味，所以我认为必须要在文中选择一种，或者有一段专门比较两者的优越性。
作者的调和观点认为
这两个是 of same importance。但是of same importance 不= both of them are important。
2 语言上基本没改的


关于你的argument第三次作业，建议看下julymay的那篇文章的开头

taotaoleUID: 2694983

A nation is made up of various kinds of people, like the rulers, the artists, the scientists, and so forth. While the achievements of these people always make the nation more developed and the life more convenient, the general welfare of its people also improves.
评论：开头展开的太过突兀，没有从主题上导入到自己的话题。但主题句很明确。
In the modern times, our society is multi-dimensions, and it can be indicated from many aspects. The leaders' behavior can always reflect the beliefs and stands, which will decide the political ways to the nation. A good example is Soviet Joseph Stalin, a communist, who led the nation to be a united country. When it comes to the artists, I have to mention Leonardo da Vinci and the others who lived in the Renaissance. Their art works led the revolution of art, which also influenced the whole nation. As for scientists, like Newton or Einstein, they made breakthrough to not only the physics, but also the academia and the whole world.
段首的TS貌似是现代社会是由多元维度的展现的，但艺术和科学的例子举的貌似不是现代范围内的。而且题目中是“一个伟大的国家”而这里换成广泛的社会，且例子没有表明这样一个“多元表现”。所以此段的论证还需改进。
To make a detailed explanation, let's take example of the achievements of the scientists, which can be the indicator of a great nation. We are here, taking the GRE test, what we write will be sent to ETS. What makes it possible? The, computers, the internet, the whole information technology, you may answer. Yes, these tools and methods help us do many things which beyond our ancestors' imagination. What's more, the IT industry also changes the name from the industry era to the time we live- the information era. We cannot ignore that it is the scientists who devoted themselves, sacrifice themselves, to contributing to what we have now. All the achievements make our life more and more convenient, as well as influence our society, our culture, our environment. So I must say that the achievements made by the scientists are a good aspect to indicate the nation.
具体的从科学家的成就来阐明其指示一个伟大国家。TS很明确，不过仍建议TS的句型上正式精简些。论证方法上很生动，提出反问句，及对过渡词的使用都使文段顺承连贯。但有一点还是要指出来，就是，TS指出了是a great nation,但例子论证中都没有从a nation上出发，而是很泛的没有国界的例子，同时，与上段一样，没有抓住国家的“伟大”来深入。


To be more insightful, I must say that what the achievements' final purposes （不是人的所有格一般使用of结构。The final purposes of the achievements）have something to do with the general people, not only the general welfare as mentioned in the issue, but also the lifestyle and the ethic standards. The rulers have the duty to lead to nation to be more peaceful and prosperous, the people richer and happier.(这句话说的感觉欠考虑了~即使是很多专制统治者也有这样的职责么~) The artists accomplish pieces of art works, no matter paintings, statues, novels or songs, they always hope to touch the deep heart of audience, to make them think about the society, the life, the ethics and so on. Some ancient masterpieces like the Sphinx in Egypt reflecting the Egyptians' preciseness and domesticated, while the Venus in Rome saying something about the ancient culture and preference, are the successful models explaining the relationship between art and people. To science, as I have mentioned before, its goal is to make our plant a better place to live, maybe sometimes it fails to do so, but most of the time it is approaching to the destination, to change the way we live, to update the ideas and thoughts.
这段TS明确，主要是说成就的目的不仅提升公共福利，而且有改善生活方式和道德标准的作用。先说TS，这里的not only, but also出现，但后文里只有对but also内容的展开，而not only-general welfare却并没有说清楚，即使在前文论述的也不够，所以TS用的就看出不准确了。关于之后的阐述，语言上问题不大，但还是思路上的，虽然Issue是表明自己想法没错，但如果你的很多想法一放的文章中就能被找出错误，是不是不太好呢~所以建议在作很多论述的时候多加些限定的词，把想法放在合理的特定范围内，就会好很多。比如说ruler的时候加个民主社会就会合理很多。

Thus the general welfare of the nation's people is just a part of the nation, 【it can tell that the nation cares about the people and the people lead a not-too-bad life.】一般结论中不要出现新的观点，但这句显然是新提出的，上文未阐述过。 To go a further step, we can conjecture that there are other key elements which lead to the phenomenon. The answer partly lies in the achievements of the rulers, artists, and scientists. So we should take a circumspect view, if we want to gain a satisfying solution.结论的问题在于和上文论述不符，上文主要是从成就的角度来说伟大国家指示的多样性，成就的多重表意等，而结论却从国家角度来说，感觉不连贯和突兀了。