如是----二战作文贴

如是_ivyUID: 2704554

2.11

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In 20 years from now on, students will not use printed books anymore.

As the quick development of science and technology today, the ways of our life have been changed tremendously. We become to rely more on computers and the Internet. For example, shopping on the Internet has come into being a necessary part of our life. Taking courses and examinations on the Internet also turns to a new and efficient educational way for students. We almost do everything on the net, consisting of chatting, shopping, learning and reading books. Its development promotes both the booming of the net literature and the revolution of our reading ways. It is unimaginable that never reading e-books. Thus, based on such phenomenon among our life, some scholars posed the doubt that whether the printed books will be unnecessary especially for students in 20 years. As far as I'm concerned, I support the view that printed books will still have their own market in 20 years and the reasons are as follows.

To begin with, in terms of the characteristics of e-books or cyber books, they have the unavoidable disadvantages which hamper them replacing printed books at all. Obviously, it is quite harmful to our health. As we all know, fixing our eyes on the screen will easily cause the pain of our eyes. When preparing for Toefl and take the Toefl practice online, I usually felt aching pain of my eyes. And we will become fatigue more easily than reading the printed books. And sitting too much time before the computer also will cause many other problems such as radiation. Maybe risks of health are common problems for many things. Once it become more serious by some unhealthy lifestyle and learning ways like reading these e-books or cyber-books, we should never ignore it.


Besides, we can never deny that printed books have their irreplaceable advantages. We can concentrate more on our study when using printed books instead of e-books. And this efficiency on learning should be the first to take into consideration when choosing to use printed books or replace it as e-books. For thousands of years, students and even all we humane being have been accustomed to take memos and notes on the paper to assistant us to remember the knowledge. In the short 20 years, it may not be possible to change our traditional learning habits. Thus, it is not easy to let printed books leave out of our views.


To sum up, in the future 20 years, computers and the Internet may bring deeper changes in our life. However, to drop some traditional habits such abandoning printed books may not easy. These kinds of living ways have influenced us more profound than we imagine. And we still will see printed books in the future as least in 20 years.


好久没写了，大家狠拍啦~~辛苦了

mangohahaUID: 2758178

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In 20 years from now on, students will not use printed books anymore.
456 字数刚刚好
第一印象：不是传统的5或4段式是吧。。。155+132+109+60 整篇文章成倒金字塔型。。。
这样的布局应该不利于论点的表达。。。 期待看下文
As the quick development of science and technology today, the ways of our life have been changed tremendously. We become to rely more on computers and the Internet. For example, shopping on the Internet has come into being a necessary part of our life. Taking courses and examinations on the Internet also turns to a new and efficient educational way for students. We almost do everything on the net, consisting of chatting, shopping, learning and reading books. Its development promotes both the booming of the net literature and the revolution of our reading ways. It is unimaginable that never reading e-books. Thus, based on such phenomenon among our life, some scholars posed the doubt that whether the printed books will be unnecessary especially for students in 20 years. As far as I'm concerned, I support the view that printed books will still have their own market in 20 years and the reasons are as follows.
如果把这段当做传统的手段来看，虽有些长，不过最后的观点是证明printed books正观点
如果把其当做手段和作为让步的第一段的结合，。。。。 劝楼主，将其改写成两段，手段和一段让步。。。。

To begin with, in terms of the characteristics of e-books or cyber books, they have the unavoidable disadvantages which hamper them replacing printed books at all. Obviously, it is quite harmful to our health. As we all know, fixing our eyes on the screen will easily cause the pain of our eyes. When preparing for Toefl and take the Toefl practice online, I usually felt aching pain of my eyes. And we will become fatigue more easily than reading the printed books. And sitting too much time before the computer also will cause many other problems such as radiation. Maybe risks of health are common problems for many things. Once it become more serious by some unhealthy lifestyle and learning ways like reading these e-books or cyber-books, we should never ignore it.
例证很好，指出ebook的危害

Besides, we can never deny that printed books have their irreplaceable advantages. We can concentrate more on our study when using printed books instead of e-books. And this efficiency on learning should be the first to take into consideration when choosing to use printed books or replace it as e-books. For thousands of years, students and even all we humane being have been accustomed to take memos and notes on the paper to assistant us to remember the knowledge. In the short 20 years, it may not be possible to change our traditional learning habits. Thus, it is not easy to let printed books leave out of our views.
指出传统图书的价值irreplaceable

To sum up, in the future 20 years, computers and the Internet may bring deeper changes in our life. However, to drop some traditional habits such abandoning printed books may not easy. These kinds of living ways have influenced us more profound than we imagine. And we still will see printed books in the future as least in 20 years

整篇文章是以一种新的布局写的，如果以传统布局的逻辑思考有以下几点值得改进：
首先，手段过于长，开篇并没有点题，而是冗长的背景介绍，老外的文章喜欢的永远是开门见山，而且这个背景的介绍和topic有点偏差
其次，倒金字塔型的布局，而塔的顶端，也就是说全文最主要或是字数最多的部分应该是你所要论证的观点，即第三段，无论你对新的科技带来的不利论证的多有力，但记得题目，要求的是你证明传统图书不会被取代，有其价值！

既然作者要求很拍O(∩_∩)O~ 我就说的严重了些
说的不对或是过分的地方请您见谅
语言方面，因为自身也很垃圾，就不敢做过多评判，语言基本也没什么问题
加油O(∩_∩)O~

如是_ivyUID: 2704554

3月2号 （08.5.17）
It's better to watch serious movies to get deeper think or watch movies that amuse or entertain you.

Movies have played a more and more important role in our daily life. Recently, the movie Avatar has just created a new ticket record. However, as for its function, whether entertainment or getting deeper think is the main responsibility? I believe as the old motto goes, there are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people's eyes. As far as I am concerned, I will take its amusement function into the first consideration and the reasons are as follows.

Above of all, no one can deny that even some relaxing movies such as comedies have their own worth to remind people of thinking over our life or society. Despite to get deeper thinking, it is still not necessary to watch serious movies. For example, admittedly, through the serious movie Becoming Jane, we are usually moved by the beautiful love and think over the heavy responsibility behind it at the mean time. Nevertheless, through the comedy Moonlight Treasure, acted by the famous comedy star Steven Chow in Hong Kong, I can find the same theme and get deep thinking as well. It depends on the spectators instead of the movies themselves. So I suppose that there is someone just seeing the jokes in the movie. But for them, even the serious movies can just bring sorrow and heavy pressure. Those lazy to thinking over the movies internal meaning can never get deeper thinking and there is no point to discuss this statement for them.

And also, compared the serious movies, those can amuse me is really a good way for relaxation. Apparently, after the whole day work or study with endless tasks and all kinds of examination, immersing me into these kinds of light movies is a better choice so that I can forget all the disorder in daily life and successfully escape from the heavy pressure during the study or work. A bottle of Coca Cola, a box of popcorn, a movie with plenty of jokes, and a lot of laughter are the aim I go to the cinema. Those serious movies always accompany with annoyed crying and countless tears. The movies like Kongfu Panda but not 2010 more fit my criterion.

To sum up, the quicker pace of life and the fiercer competition have occupied all the corners in our life. For us, what we more need is to cut loose when we can and let our spirit be as free as the wind so as to work more effectively. Without any doubt, those movies which can entertain me are better and more suitable.


很久没写了。真是难写出来。狠拍。谢谢了~~

半夏之北UID: 2517498

如是.doc (24.5 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2010-3-3 21:36:08 上传

下载次数: 4

谢谢如是给我的建议~~

如是_ivyUID: 2704554

3.6
The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.

1、每个人的旅行的习惯和taste不一样。有的人喜欢一个人去了解当地的风景和名胜，觉得更清净。跟朋友聊天会更随意，没有陌生人
2、不需要到导游的旅行能够更深切地体会到当地的文化和风景。


Just over viewing the whole year, we usually have several vocations especially for our students, such as winter vocation, summer vocation and a variety of short holidays. Thus how can we spend this long free time? I believe most of us may choose to have a journey to somewhere as we have better economic condition nowadays. With the booming of tourism, it is easy for tourists to find a tour guide in the scenic spot. Some pose that the best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide, while I argue that it cannot be applied to any circumstances and anyone.

Above of all, since every tourists' characteristics differ from others, someone are not suitable to travel accompany with a tour guide. As we know, people often travel for relieving the pressure from daily life. Someone may prefer to stay alone and enjoy beautiful scenery quietly. Then a tour guide may be too noisy for them. To be honest, I am just that kind of tourist. It is the most beautiful thing to walk alone through the river and woods. Or just sitting on the beach to appreciating the grand sea and enjoy the warm sunshine bath without the babbling of the tour guide. Moreover, with a tour guide, when traveling with good friend, it will be inconvenient to open the hearts in case of some embarrassing topic known by the strange tour guide.

And also, as far as I'm concerned, without the tour guide, we will come to know the local culture and scenery deeper. We need to chat with the local habitats to handle the life in a new place so as to put ourselves together into the local society. And I believe it must one of the most important facts which attract us to some particular scenic pot especially some cultural districts. For instance, when traveling in Fenghuang, an old town in China, few tourists chooses tour guides and modern hotels. In contrast, some common local habitats' private houses turn to the popular choice. Living with local people together in the same way instead of listening the explaining of tour guides is the best way here.

In a conclusion, a tour guide may be convenient if you don't want to give a lot of care of traveling. However, it is never the best choice. After all, to know someplace or some other things, listening may not the best choice. Sometimes just do it by ourselves. You may see the different scenery.

tqidtestUID: 2766196

3.6: r3 d, T! [$ [5 w& r
The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.
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7 U/ {; L+ \( i( c7 Y$ }1 ~1、每个人的旅行的习惯和taste不一样。有的人喜欢一个人去了解当地的风景和名胜，觉得更清净。跟朋友聊天会更随意，没有陌生人
8 G' P3 R, ?) S7 e& ]6 U2 k) I2、不需要到导游的旅行能够更深切地体会到当地的文化和风景。" y1 q& L) o9 ], T# M/ ]" I8 {5 p2 ?
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9 B  N; o2 B6 v  L0 `Just viewing over the whole year, we， especially the students, (应该注意句子成分不应该离的太远，放在后面很容易造成奇异，尽管放在这里也不很理想。) usually have lots of free time to travel, such as winter vocation, summer vocation and a variety of short holidays and festivals. Thus how to spend this long free time? I believe most of us may choose to have a journey to somewheresome beautiful places
as we have better economic condition nowadays(既然提到了我们有钱了，就应该解释清楚，否则也会造成歧义，在外国人看来，旅游不一定是有钱干的事情。。比如流浪汉，。。当然有钱可以作为出行旅游的一个条件，既然是条件就应说清楚，用as带过未免仓促). With the booming of tourism, it is easy for tourists to find a tour guide in the scenic spot. Some pose a statement that the best way to travel is attending a group led by a tour guide, while I argue that it cannot be applied to any circumstances and anyone.(chinglish)/ ^) @9 Y# T- e1 j: F! u

* N7 A- `/ H( {1 X, since every tourists' characteristics(plans?) differ from others, someone are not suitable to travel accompany with a tour guide. As we know, people often travel for relieving the pressure from nervous daily life. Someone may prefer to stay alone and enjoy beautiful scenery quietly. Then a tour guide may interrupt the quiet and peaceful scenery be too noisy for them. To be honest, I am just that kind of tourist. It is the most beautiful thing to walk alone through the river and woods. Or just sitting on the beach to appreciating the grand sea and enjoy the warm sunshine bath without the babbling(用得好) from the tour guide. Moreover, with a tour guide, when traveling with good friend, it will be inconvenient to open the hearts in case of some embarrassing topic known by the strange tour guide.Moreover, if we are accompanied with a stranger tour guide, it will be inconvenient and embarrassing to talk some personal secrets or open hearts with our good friends during the journey.
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In addition, as far as I'm concerned, without the tour guide, we will more deeply come to know the local culture and scenery. We can chat with the local habitats to handle the life in a new place so as to put ourselves together into the local society. And I believe it must be one of the most important factor which attracts us to some particular scenic pot especially some cultural districts. For instance, when traveling in Fenghuang, an old townancient small town in China, few tourists choose tour guides and accomodate in modern hotels. In contrast, some common local habitats' private houses turn to be a more popular choice. Living with local people together in the same way instead of listening the explaining of tour guides is the best way here(chinglish). 4 N( g# o6 O3 Y1 h
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In a conclusion, a tour guide may be convenient if you don't want to give a lot of care of traveling. However, it is never the best choice. After all, to know someplace or some other things, listening may not the best choice. Sometimes just do it by yourself. You may see the different but better scenery.

如是_ivyUID: 2704554

3.9 Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

1、对于学生，有利于巩固当日学的知识，否则容易忘记，并没有真正掌握知识
2、对于老师，能够即使了解学生掌握知识的程度，对于不熟悉的和错误率较高的可以针对性教学，从而有利于学生更好的学习

For nearly 14-year-study at school, we have always complained about the boring school life, especially the homework every day and the endless examinations. As the heavier pressure to be admitted into better schools or universities, students have to burden more and more homework nowadays. Under this kind of extreme circumstances, socialists are wondering whether such daily homework is necessary for students. In my opinion, too much homework is not suitable to students but it cannot be the excuse for them to escape from daily homework and the reasons are as follows.


Above of all, homework is a good way to review what we have learned in the daytime and strengthen the memory of the knowledge. Without homework, we may easily forget what teachers have taught during the class. I was a diligent student in high school but a lazy one in the college. I never missed any homework for mathematic in high school, while now I even never revise my textbook until the approaching examination, not to mention the daily homework. Thus the results are obvious. I could easily get full scores in each mathematic test without too much hard work, while I just can get an "A" for my major now. And behind it there are many nights accompany with boring textbooks and my cute lamp before the final exams. This apparent comparison is owing to the different altitudes to daily homework.


And also, homework can honestly reflect how students acknowledge what they have learned so that teachers can adjust their teaching schedule more properly in time. I once was a volunteer as an English teacher in a Hope primary school. At first, I just taught my students as I had planed. But for a period time, I found they didn't absolutely acknowledged what I had told them. And then I began to assign homework to them everyday. Even though it was not too much but I cannot deny that just this little homework helped me know what they had not acknowledged so that I could teach them again in next class. Homework helped me a lot, but this won't the final aim. What's more important, it makes students acknowledge what they may not understand before.


To sum up, we can understand students’ resistant emotion to the homework, after all we once were and even now are students. We hoped less homework and more free time. We also can understand the worry of socialists and parents for more abnormal teaching ways and more and more homework. However, no one can deny its great benefits which we all have enjoyed. Both too much and too less are not suitable. But this cannot be just apply to homework. It is still of great help to students.

michael_beyondUID: 2704216

For nearly 14-year-study at school, we have always complained about the boring school life, especially the homework every day and the endless examinations. As the heavier pressure to be admitted into better schools or universities, students have to burden more and more homework nowadays. Under this kind of extreme circumstances, socialists are wondering whether such daily homework is necessary for students. In my opinion, too much homework is not suitable to students but it cannot be the excuse for them to escape from daily homework and the reasons are as follows.8 e, O- a* q5 ?) O) t* q
/ m- ^, P2 d/ V

) }4 B0 s. @, Z. `  x& kAbove of all, homework is a good way to review what we have learned in the daytime and strengthen the memory of the knowledge. Without homework, we may easily forget what teachers have taught during the class. I was a diligent student in high school but a lazy one in the college. I never missed any homework for mathematic 一般美式用maths就行。in high school, while now I even never revise my textbook until the approaching examination, not to mention let alone 是不是更好呢the daily homework. Thus the results are obvious. I could easily get full scores in each mathematic test without too much hard work, while I just can get an "A" for my major now. And behind it there are many nights accompany with boring textbooks and my cute lamp before the final exams. This apparent comparison is owing to the different altitudes to daily homework.0 }9 w1 |6 P0 A9 T# d9 这一段你说的是作业对学生的重要性，但你说的是你大学时候不怎么做作业却也能得个A，论据不支持你的论点了。不过不得不佩服你的语言组织能力，很强。

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$ @1 U8 B5 V% [6 P% iAnd also, homework can honestly reflect how students acknowledge what they have learned so that teachers can adjust their teaching schedule more properly in time. I once was a volunteer as an English teacher in a Hope primary school. At first, I just taught my students as I had planed. But for a period time, I found they didn't absolutely acknowledged what I had told them. And then I began to assign homework to them everyday. Even though it was not too much but I cannot deny that just this little homework helped me know what they had not acknowledged so that I could teach them again in next class. Homework helped me a lot, but this won't the final aim. What's more important(is taht)it makes students acknowledge what they may not understand before.
8 Z: P  N4 B- ?* J3 w
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; |6 Y( ~8 f7 b; D9 }$ HTo sum up, we can understand students’ resistant emotion to the homework, after all we once were and even now are students. We hoped less homework and more free time. We also can understand the worry of socialists and parents for more abnormal teaching ways and more and more homework. However, no one can deny its great benefits which we all have enjoyed. Both too much and too less are not suitable. But this cannot be just apply to homework. It is still of great help to students.

总体来说，如是的作文写的很不错的，语言逻辑很强，向你学习，呵呵，加油！

michael_beyondUID: 2704216

上面括号里的是is that，刚看到自己写错了

如是_ivyUID: 2704554

3.10 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can benefit more from traveling in their own country than traveling to foreign countries.

1、就视觉感受来说，国外旅游能给我们一种更新奇的体验。毕竟旅游的根本在于对现有生活的逃离和对新的事物的体验。
2、思想的旅行才能benefit more.国外旅行能够接触更多元的世界观。
(这个扯的立论真是装精。)

Last summer vocation, some friends of mine, Jane and Christina, joined in a tour group to travel to Europe. Admittedly, traveling abroad is much cheaper than before and for near 10-year-learning of English, language also will not be an obstacle any longer. However, some doubt their practice and extremely hold that traveling in our own country is also wonderful and even we can benefit more than traveling abroad. They question that why so many people choose to travel to foreign countries with bothering the tired long flight and more expenses rather than just to appreciate the beautiful scenery in our own countries. As for me, I am afraid I cannot agree with that kind of opinion and the reasons are as follows

To begin with, in terms of the feast for our eyes, compared to in our own country, traveling abroad will be a more novel experience. No one can deny that the true purpose of travel lies in the avoidance of our contemporary life and the try for new things. Even though we can enjoy different lifestyle and scenery in our own country, just compare going to a new domestic scenic spot with seeing a different style of palace or a mountain you've never seen before in China to stepping on the foreign streets with many people of different colors of skins and surrounded with totally different style of architecture like Gothic ones and Baroque ones, which you've just seen on the book. What a more view shocking to you when traveling abroad! All will be new and strange. That's the true escaping from your current life and the true experience of absolutely new environment. Without doubt, you have benefited more in foreign countries.

In addition, a travel is never just for our eyes. The travel for our minds is more important. And when traveling abroad we can touch more diverse opinions and culture. Take Olympics as an example. Although we can know foreign comments via the Internet, face-to-face communication can eliminate the misunderstandings and know foreign culture more deeply. A travel to foreign countries can provide us the opportunity for communication. For instance, when traveling to the U.S. in2008, my friend Tony learned how the Beijing Olympic games was in foreigners’ eyes. They quite appreciated wonderful opening ceremony but have some different opinions on the development of athletes. We can never get this kind of treasure with traveling in our own countries.

To sum up, our ancestors and great nature have left us a large amount of valuable relics in China. But it cannot be the excuse to ignore more benefits from traveling abroad consisting of not only more eyesight shocking but also a new way to recognize our world.

catirUID: 2438002

For nearly 14-year-study at school, we have always complained about the boring school life, especially the homework every day and the endless examinations. As (with)the heavier pressure to be admitted into better schools or universities, students have to burden more and more homework nowadays. Under this kind of extreme circumstances, socialists are wondering whether such daily homework is necessary for students. In my opinion, too much homework is not suitable to students but it cannot be the excuse for them to escape from daily homework and the reasons are as follows.. H: N% r# h' c  S4 W" \! Y(语言很有力度，词汇也很丰富)


Above of all, homework is a good way to review what we have learned in the daytime and strengthen the memory of the knowledge. Without homework, we may easily forget what teachers have taught during the class. I was a diligent student in high school but a lazy one in the college. I never missed any homework for mathematic in high school, while now I even never revise my textbook until the approaching examination, not to mention the daily homework. Thus the results are obvious. I could easily get full scores in each mathematic test without too much hard work, while I just can get an "A" for my major now. （知道作者想表达什么意思，但是最后一句没有把意思体现出来）And behind it there are many nights accompany with boring textbooks and my cute lamp before the final exams. This apparent comparison is owing to the different altitudes to daily homework.

And also, homework can honestly reflect how students acknowledge what they have learned so that teachers can adjust their teaching schedule more properly in time. I once was a volunteer as an English teacher in a Hope primary school. At first, I just taught my students as I had planed. But for a period time, I found they didn't absolutely acknowledged what I had told them. And then I began to assign homework to them everyday. Even though it was not too much but I cannot deny that just this little homework helped me know what they had not acknowledged so that I could teach them again in next class. Homework helped me a lot, but this won't the final aim. What's more important, it makes students acknowledge what they may not understand before.（acknowledge？我不知道这样用好不好，我觉得learn更常见。PS：我词汇不太好，如果你确定这样用就好了）


To sum up, we can understand students’ resistant emotion to the homework, after all we once were and even now are students. We hoped less homework and more free time. We also can understand the worry of socialists and parents for more abnormal teaching ways and more and more homework. However, no one can deny its great benefits which we all have enjoyed（excellent）. Both too much and too less are not suitable. But this cannot be just apply to homework. It is still of great help to students.

如是的作文很好，语言很有力度，看得出你的语言功底很强。而且，论证和例子都很好。只是一些小的地方需要注意一下

习惯留念UID: 2690749

Last summer vocation, some friends of mine, Jane and Christina, joined in a tour group to travel to Europe. Admittedly, traveling abroad is much cheaper than before and for near 10-year-learning of English, language also will not be an obstacle any longer(more). However, some (people)doubt their practice and extremely hold that traveling in our own country is also wonderful and even we can benefit more than traveling abroad(这句逻辑语法有点问题。and 后面是TRVELING发出的，所以改成benefit we much more than traveling abroad) They (even)question that why so many people choose to travel to foreign countries with bothering the tired long flight and more expenses rather than just to appreciate the beautiful scenery in our own countries. As for me, I am afraid I cannot agree with that kind of opinion and the reasons are as follows

To begin with, in terms of the feast for our eyes, compared to in (traveling in )our own country, traveling abroad will be a more novel experience. No one can deny that the true purpose of travel lies in the avoidance of our contemporary life and the try for new things. Even though we can enjoy different lifestyle and scenery in our own country, just compare going to a new domestic scenic spot with seeing a different style of palace or a mountain you've never seen before in China to stepping on the foreign streets with many people of different colors of skins and surrounded with totally different style of architecture like Gothic ones and Baroque ones(这句太长了，最好换成清楚点的短句子，虽然长难句的撰写问题不大，但是有点拖沓累赘）, which you've just seen on the book. What a more view shocking to you when traveling abroad! All will be new and strange. That's the true escaping from your current life and the true experience of absolutely new environment. Without doubt, you have （will be)benefited more in foreign countries.

T
In addition, a travel is never just for our eyes. The travel for our minds is more important(两句话中间改有个连词最好，也可以简写成一句话，a travel is more important for  minds than barely for  eyes). And when traveling abroad we (people,尽量少用表示主观的代词，I，WE,OUR这些都最好少用）can touch more diverse opinions and culture. Take Olympics as an example. Although we can know foreign comments via the Internet, face-to-face communication can eliminate the misunderstandings and know foreign culture more deeply. A travel to foreign countries can provides us the opportunity for communication. For instance,(与前面TAKE ...AS AN EXAMPLE有点重复，换个表达可能会更好） when traveling to the U.S. in2008, my friend Tony（额。我也叫TONY，嘿嘿） learned how the Beijing Olympic games was in foreigners’ eyes. They quite appreciated wonderful opening ceremony but have some different opinions on the development of athletes. We can never get this kind of treasure with traveling in our own countries.

To sum up, our ancestors and great nature have left us a large amount of valuable relics in China. But it cannot be the excuse to ignore more benefits from traveling abroad consisting of not only more eyesight shocking but also a new way to recognize our world.

整体还是很不错了，遣词造句花了功夫，立意上稍微有点点牵强。这题目确实有点难。如果考场上临时遇到估计想两点很困难。需要一定注意的就是，WE,OUR,I之类的词语一定要少用。长句是明显优于短句。但是太过于复杂的长句也不太可取。加油！

howard_hhqUID: 2648506

Last summer vocation, some friends of mine, Jane and Christina, joined in a tour group to travel to Europe. Admittedly, traveling abroad is much cheaper than before and for near 10-year-learning of English, language also will not be an obstacle any longer. However, some people doubt their practice(?) and extremely hold that traveling in our own country is also wonderful and even we can benefit more than traveling abroad. They question that why so many people choose to travel to foreign countries with bothering the tired long flight(?) and more expenses rather than just to appreciate the beautiful scenery in our own countries. As for me, I am afraid I cannot agree with that kind of opinion and the reasons are as follows
感觉开头写的有点长

& j- a+ @% t+ ~( r; VTo begin with, in terms of the feast for our eyes, compared to in our own country, traveling abroad will be a more novel experience. No one can deny that the true purpose of travel lies in the avoidance of our contemporary life (没看懂)and the try for new things. Even though we can enjoy different lifestyle and scenery in our own country, just compare going to a new domestic scenic spot with seeing a different style of palace or a mountain you've never seen before in China to stepping on the foreign streets with many people of different colors of skins and surrounded with totally different style of architecture like Gothic ones and Baroque ones(长句很有问题), which you've just seen on the book. What a more view shocking to you when traveling abroad! All will be new and strange. That's the true escaping from your current life and the true experience of absolutely new environment. Without doubt(undoubtedly), you have benefited more in foreign countries.
你这段论证的很乱，在用长句之前，先确认一下是不是这样用，要不导致根本看不懂

  T% p, c8 M$ k) u: }In addition, a travel is never just for our eyes. The travel for our minds is more important. And when traveling abroad we can touch more diverse opinions and culture. Take Olympics as an example. Although we can know foreign comments via the Internet, face-to-face communication can eliminate the misunderstandings and know foreign culture more deeply. A travel to foreign countries can provide us the opportunity for communication. For instance, when traveling to the U.S. in 2008, my friend Tony learned how the Beijing Olympic Games were in foreigners’ eyes. They quite appreciated wonderful opening ceremony but have some different opinions on the development of athletes. We can never get this kind of treasure with traveling in our own countries.
好像你的例子比较难去支持communication吧

To sum up, our ancestors and great nature have left us a large amount of valuable relics in China. But it cannot be the excuse to ignore more benefits from traveling abroad consisting of not only more eyesight shocking but also a new way to recognize our world.
最后一段是用来总结上面的观点，或者提出建议的

整体框架还算清晰，就是你给的分论点上，感觉你的论证没有很好地围绕你的分论点去说；其次你的逻辑性不够强，很乱；最后，多练练长句，别乱用

mpromanusUID: 2565872

7# 如是_ivy

For nearly 14-year-study at school (This reduces to 'for nearly study at school', which makes no sense whatsoever. I understand you're trying to rephrase 'for nearly 14 years of study at school', but '14 years old' is grammatically different from '14-year-old', and the two usages are not interchangeable. The other problem is that you're assuming that your readers know what you are alluding to by '14 years of study'. Students in China typically study for 6+3+3+4 years to get a university degree, but certainly not everyone in the world does so, and the number itself carries no significance.), we have always complained about the boring school life, especially the homework everyday and the endless examinations. As the heavier pessure to be admitted into better schools or universities (This clause is not complete.), students have to burden themselves with more and more homework nowadays. Under this kind of extreme circumstances, socialists (This means 'people who advocate for socialism'. The word for 'people who study the science of societies' is 'sociologists'.) are wondering whether such daily homework is necessary for students. In my opinion, too much homework is not suitable to students but it cannot be the excuse for them to escape from daily homework and the reasons are as follows.

Above of all, homework is a good way to review what we have learned in the daytime and strengthen the memory of the knowledge. Without homework, we may easily forget what teachers have taught during the classes. I was a diligent student in high school but a lazy one in the college. I never missed any homework for mathematics in high school, while now (This means you're now still in college, but readers have to guess at this. Don't make them guess. Don't write with the assumption that readers know about your background.) I even never revise my textbook until the approaching examination approaches, not to mention the daily homework. Thus the results are obvious. I could easily get full scores in each mathematics test without too much hard work, while I just can get an "A" for my major now (Again, you're writing with the assumption that readers know the difference between a 'full score' and an 'A', and they should even understand that an 'A' is considered much inferior. Things just don't work the same around the world.). And behind it there are many nights accompanied with by boring textbooks and my cute lamp before the final exams. This apparent comparison is owing to the different altitudes to daily homework. (I don't see where your example is going. Isn't college mathematics supposed to be more difficult than high school mathematics? If the subject doesn't stay at the same difficulty, then you can't conclude that the need of your extra work and the dip in the grade are purely because you fail to do daily homework.)

And also (Use either 'and' or 'also', but not both.), homework can honestly reflect how students acknowledge what they have learned, so that teachers can adjust their teaching schedules more properly in time. I once was a volunteer as an English teacher in a Hope primary school (And again, you're assuming that readers know what the nature of a 'Hope primary school' is. What you really need to describe here is not that you volunteered at a 'Hope' primary school, but that you volunteered at a rural, charity-aided school - but as far as I'm concerned, you don't even need to describe the school. The important, directly relevant detail in this sentence is that you did teaching. Other details in this sentence don't augment your point any more than this.). At first, I just taught my students as I had planned. But for after a period of time, I found they didn't absolutely acknowledged what I had told them. And then I began to assign homework to them everyday. Even though it was not too much, but (You don't use 'though' and 'but' in the same sentence. Remember this rule. Period.) I cannot deny that just this little homework helped me know what they had not acknowledged, so that I could teach them again in the next class. Homework helped me a lot, but this wasn't the final aim. What's more important, it makes students acknowledge what they may not have understood before. (This example didn't address the 'daily' part of the question adequately.)

To sum up, we can understand students’ resistant emotion? to the homework, after all we once were and even now are students. We hoped for less homework and more free time. We also can also (Avoid direct translations even in the smallest phrases. Often the influence of Chinese grammar on your English is more significant and prevalent than you might have realized.) understand the worry of socialists and parents for more abnormal teaching ways? (At least you could have said 'more abnormal ways of teaching', if nothing else can express your meaning more clearly..Again, avoid direct translations.) and more and more homework. However, no one can deny its great benefits which we all have enjoyed. Both too much and too less are not suitable. But this cannot be just apply to homework. It is still of great help to students.

总结：

这位童鞋的例子举得很好~句式的变化也不错~但是基本上你对词汇的选择和使用没有达到可以准确地用英语表达出你提纲里面用中文表达出来的东西。。=.=

尽量避免中文直翻，尤其在词序的方面。避免带着自己背景知识的假设写作。你的提纲本身似乎一直倾向于抽象、理论化，所以在没有足够的驾驭抽象词汇的能力之前，请特别注意自己的翻译倾向。。像‘希望小学’这种字眼，对一个中国读者来说所能勾起的联想，远比直翻过去让一个美国人所能联想到的多得多。所以不要试图把所有的细节都按照中文的直接翻译来表现，你要想明白你需要表达的意思到底是什么。