Phoenix小组组员11号2010.2.13 argument

xusichuangUID: 2653998

ARGUMENT125 - The following is a recommendation from the president of Appleby College.
"Whereas Appleby College holds class reunions every five years, Edelston College holds annual reunions for all classes, during which Edelston's alumni are treated to banquets, lectures, and student performances, enhancing their loyalty to the college and their willingness to donate money. Edelston College receives most of its alumni donations during or shortly after these reunions. Therefore, the best way for Appleby to increase its alumni donations is to offer similar reunion activities and to have each graduating class hold annual reunions."

In this argument, the author conclude that in order to increase Appleby’s donation from its alumni, the best way is to offer similar reunion activities just as Edelston College do. To support this, the author also uses details such as their reunion frequency and their willingness to donate. At first glance, his conclusion seems reasonable, but if scrutinized closely, it becomes unpersuasive.
First of all, the author proclaimed that the reunion frequency lead to a difference in loyalty. This might not be true. What makes people to donate is a complicated question. A donation can be made on a sudden impulse or a grateful heart. Holding some class reunion is not necessarily the only way, while the author considered it to be. And loyalty also will generate from these reunions. There are great possibilities that Edelston College donate more because they are richer, or people in that college are educate to be grateful. In this way, the author’s conclusion becomes unreasonable.
Secondly, as the saying goes, one man’s meat might be another man’s poison. What is best for Edelston College might not be proper for Appleby. They are different and each of them has its own characteristic. It is possible that in the area where Appleby located, donating money is not that prevail or people there are just poorer or they just don’t care other people’s welfare. The author neglects those possibilities and his conclusion that a great donation frequency in Appleby will not work as expected.
Thirdly, even if the only reason of donation comes from class reunions and it is also suitable to hold reunions in Appleby, the author can not get the conclusion that copying Edelston College’s way is the best method to raise money. There are many ways to make people donate, including charity activities and other forms of entertainment.
To sum up, the conclusion becomes plausible after scrutiny. To better bolster his argument, the author has to provide further details such as the difference between those two colleges. Without more detailed information, this conclusion is not persuasive.

hhfboyUID: 2749089

1# xusichuang
ARGUMENT125 - The following is a recommendation from the president of Appleby College.
"Whereas Appleby College holds class reunions every five years, Edelston College holds annual reunions for all classes, during which Edelston's alumni are treated to banquets, lectures, and student performances, enhancing their loyalty to the college and their willingness to donate money. Edelston College receives most of its alumni donations during or shortly after these reunions. Therefore, the best way for Appleby to increase its alumni donations is to offer similar reunion activities and to have each graduating class hold annual reunions."

In this argument, the author conclude that in order to increase Appleby’s donation from its alumni, the best way is to offer similar reunion activities just as Edelston College do. To support this (argument), the author also uses details such as their reunion frequency and (their) willingness to donate. At first glance, his conclusion seems reasonable, but if scrutinized closely (to be scrutinized, 还有scrutinized检查的意思,和closely搭配感觉不妥,个人觉得用carefully 比较合适), it becomes unpersuasive.
First of all, the author proclaimed that the reunion frequency lead to a difference in loyalty(没有表达出重聚能提高忠臣度的意思,只提改变,可能是降低也可能是提高 the high reunion frequency will raise loyalty of the alumni). This might not be true. What makes people to donate is a complicated question. A donation can be made on a sudden impulse or a grateful heart. (Moreover,)Holding some class reunion is not necessarily the only way (to get donation), while the author considered it to be. And loyalty also will generate from these reunions.(这句话和上一句逻辑上有些问题,上一句说作者认为是唯一方法,下一句说忠臣度在聚会中产生,而且还是用个and连接)
There are great possibilities(个人推荐:it is entirely possible) that Edelston College donate more because they are richer, or people in that college are educate to be grateful(chinglish了,而且题目的意思没看清楚,应该是他的毕业生有钱吧 怎么变成EC donate more了…). In this way, the author’s conclusion becomes unreasonable.
(这段写得比较失败吧,本来你想攻击的是重聚能提高忠臣度,但是后面没有给出任何论据和其他可能性,建议重写下)
Secondly, as the saying goes, one man’s meat might be another man’s poison(哈哈 萝卜白菜各有所爱!..好句子,但是用在这里似乎优点不合适,还是把你要攻击的错误列在首句比较好). What is best for Edelston College might not be proper for( be applied equally to) Appleby. They are different and each of them has its own characteristics. It is possible that in the area where Appleby located, donating money is not that prevail or people there are just poorer or they just don’t care other people’s welfare. The author neglects those possibilities and his conclusion that a great donation frequency in Appleby will not work as expected.
Thirdly, even if the only reason of donation comes from class reunions and it is also suitable to hold reunions in Appleby, the author can not get the conclusion that copying Edelston College’s way is the best method to raise money.(用列举他因的方法可以不用说最好的,而是说还有其他方法来筹集) There are many ways to make people donate, including charity activities and other forms of entertainment.
To sum up, the conclusion becomes plausible after scrutiny. To better bolster his argument, the author has to provide further details such as the difference between those two colleges. Without more detailed information, this conclusion is not persuasive.
点评:
(1)
向萝卜白菜各有所爱这些没必要在首段首句出现,最好列出观点
(2)
语言方面 ,有几句太chinglish了 11号你自己去改一下
(3)

2,3 段漏洞攻击的比较混乱.建议重写----(论据->论证) 每段攻击一个错误
11号 觉得你I写得比A好…不过你应该重视下A, after all
A 是比较套路的 容易提升.

xusichuangUID: 2653998

感觉你说的很在理，我会好好改正的，谢谢！