[资料分享] 分享一篇老外点评过的argument，希望帮助到大家~ [复制链接]

Shaylen
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-2-21 13:30:15 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 Shaylen 于 2010-2-21 13:32 编辑

很早的时候，就订阅了一些国外作文网站的每日小短文。
每天都会收到同一个人的不同类型的文章。

去年10月初，是我刚开始接触AW的时候，也是第一次自己尝试写了一篇argue。
当时就抱着尝试的心理，给这个总是发文章的老外发了一封邮件，问他是否能够帮我点评我的一篇习作。
老外很热情，马上就回了邮件，而且改的很详细认真。
说来惭愧，那之后因为专业学习等一些私事就把这事给忘记了，真是对不住那个老外。
直到最近发邮件申请实习事宜时，开始整理邮箱，就挖到这个邮件。
突然发现自己还有这么个宝贝。
虽然我不能保证这么作文批改的质量，但是起码人家思考的思维角度与我们不同。
从中，应该可以学习到一些东西。

顺便附上第一次写的argue，比较拙劣，大家将就着看看好了，重点在点评上面。
A51这个高频写的人也很多，我自己也写了二次。
希望能帮助大家O。
自己顺便积攒一点RP，补一补忘记那个老外恩情损的RP，嘿嘿。

出于隐私的角度就把收发邮件人的名字给匿名了嘿嘿

Hi ****.  I don’t have a lot of time to dissect it in great deal or re-write sentences, but here’s some rough comments, I trust you can view the Word based comments as long as you’re in the right viewing mode.  I can further clarify if you want follow-up on specific portions.  You seem to have a good handle on the actual analysis, and only need some work on some of your words and phrases, and overall structure.  I’m sure it can be difficult with English being a second language to always know the best word, however in many cases you’ve made good and appropriate use of words.  You should try to do less lead-ins on paragraphs and sentences, you’ll see some I marked.  It might help you to sometimes flip a sentence so instead of saying “because of X, therefore Y”, do “Y is true, because of X”. It’s much easier for the reader to follow.

A strong persuasive structure on these types of write-ups is to summarize your argument up front like “X is true because 1, 2, 3, and 4”.  Then make a paragraph for 1, 2, 3, and 4 which detail each point.  Maybe then additional paragraphs if there is other supplemental information. Then you close by summarizing the conclusion.  Otherwise the writing can seem like it’s rambling from one point to another.  This is also important when writing for busy executives, they also lack the time to read your whole paper, so is critical that you make your point right away, e.g. the first sentence and/or first paragraph summarizes what you’re saying.  Or they may skip to the end to see your conclusion, so that needs to be strong as well.  Certainly the middle is important because some will want the detail, and it better be solid, and with facts, however the opening and conclusion should stand alone.

So again you do seem to be taking a good analytic approach, and you thought of weaknesses in the hypothesis that would not have occurred to me.

One more angle you might take on this to question the statement that the hypothesis “has now been proved”.  This certainly can stand as a “hypothesis”, however the study seems to lack sufficient scientific method to merit being called “proof”.  Additionally, the article itself states the results are “preliminary”, further undermining the claim to be a proof.

Also, I’m not sure if you mentioned this, but the number of patients involved in the study was not stated, which opens the question as to whether the findings were statistically valid.

I hope this helps.

Best Regards,
******

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