2.25独立写作求改

luofayiUID: 2325524

第一篇作文~
Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money, agree or disagree?

The major motivation of the businessmen is for money, they devote all their life to max the profits from the business. But the business which is extended by the businessmen must be legal and should not attack the right of others. So it is not right that the businessmen are only motivated by the desire of money.

We all know that the business is an activity whose purpose is for money. All the business activities such as goods services, transportation services and so on are all built on two aspects: on one hand it is providing goods or services for the people, on the other hand it is bring money for the businessmen. So we can say that the businessmen are driven by the money.

But if the business activities are only driven by the desire of the money and doing the illegal activities, being not honest or even losing the credit, which damage the benefits of the people, it will cause great destruct for the business. Firstly if the businessmen are not honest, customer find that the goods are fakes or even risk their health, they will crack their relationship with the businessmen. Secondly if the business is not base on the credit, the businessmen are always not provides goods or services or even provide the goods which have been out of their shelf time, this will cause great destroy for the business credit and reduce the customers. In addition, the business activities must be legal, if the business activities are opposite the laws, then this business is not possible for existing for a long time.

Many businesses or companies are corrupt because they are not base on the three law mentioned above: be honest, credit and be legal. For example a milk company in china provided customer milk which contains something which is harmful for the body when they pursue the high profits, while when people find that the milk has problem, all customer are broken the relationship with this company, so this company can’t exist and had to broken up.

So the businessmen should not be only driven by the desire of money, they should do their business activities base on be honest, credit and be legal.

mangohahaUID: 2758178

The major motivation of the businessmen is for money, they devote all their life to max the profits from the business（好句. But the business which is extended by the businessmen must be legal and should not attack the right of others.（这个So... 前面的原因好像得不到这样的结果） So it is not right that the businessmen are only motivated by the desire of money.
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We all know that the business is an activity whose purpose is for money. All the business activities such as goods services, transportation services and so on are all built on two aspects: on one hand it is providing goods or services for the people, on the other hand it is bring money for the businessmen. So we can say that the businessmen are driven by the money
举出两个点，而两个点是并列的。你得出一个So，这个So 是应对你第二个点 bring businessmen money
建议，把这两个点，写的有层次，因为提供好的服务，才能得到利益，所以根本目标是money.
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But if the business activities are only driven by the desire of the money and doing the illegal activities, being not honest or even losing the credit, which damage the benefits of the people, it will cause great destruct for the business（好句）. Firstly if the businessmen are not honest, customer find that the goods are fakes or even risk（threaten） their health, they will crack their relationship with the businessmen. Secondly if the business is not base on the credit, the businessmen are always not provides goods or services or even provide the goods which have been out of their shelf time, this will cause great destroy for the business credit and reduce the customers（如果一个商人不是基于信誉，。。。。，这个将有损他的信誉。。。 改一下吧 company's reputation）. In addition, the business activities must be legal, if the business activities are opposite the laws, then this business is not possible for existing for a long time.
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Many businesses or companies are corrupt because they are not base on the three law mentioned above: be honest, credit and be legal. For example a milk company in china provided customer milk which contains something which is harmful for the body when they pursue the high profits, while when people find that the milk has problem, all customer are broken the relationship with this company, so this company can’t exist and had to broken up.; N1 k/ u0 h/ A- p4 p, s1 M3 X

% m6 x$ t& S7 X: s  PSo the businessmen should not be only driven by the desire of money, they should do their business activities base on be honest, credit and be legal.

嗯，语言方面因为自己不怎么样就不敢轻易改
感觉没什么问题语言
一个问题：so 作为结果，一定是前面有原因的才行。
二，文章的内容方面，题目 Businessmen motivation money 三个词是题目的中心
businessmen是不能丢的
剩下俩个词在一段里面至少要强调一个
而感觉你文章的大半内容是在强调
Busineemen legal
试试换个角度来写
O(∩_∩)O~
个人看法，说的不对的地方请见谅

luofayiUID: 2325524

多谢mangohaha的修改~~受益非浅~

cp19880313UID: 2643174

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money, agree or disagree？

Personally, the topic can be summarized as one saying that the basic goal of businessmen is money. Grantedly, I agree with the statement that money is one of main purposes for businessmen as the topic says. 话题是说钱是唯一的动力Right and responsibility also play key roles for businessmen in the process of reaching their goals.
From personal perspective, acctually, parts of businessmen who look money as their final pursuit. In modern society, no one can deny that profit is an essential standard to judge a person if he is successful and that capical, in some degree, reflects the power of a company. Considering these factors, it is reasonable for a businessman to fight for his motivation, money. Furthermore, with the help of money, businessmen can develop their careers, also, can make their families live a better life and even gain anything they want. From this angle, money is worthy to be an effective motivation.
这段有几句话读着绕口，感觉好像语法有点问题，是不是可以换一种方法说，也许会更好一些。

However可以去掉了, besides motivated by the desire of money, there are numerous businessmen who view the right权利？改成honour更好吧 as the ultimate success. Common sense informs that once a person who has achieved his goal would like to receive respect from others. Here I’ll take an examples in my city. As the development of economy in my city, several successful businessmen want to switch their roles, to be officials. In particular, they can use their money to do some things for the government, thus can get positions they want. Although, at last, they have been punished by laws receiving the deserved aftermath这句话不通顺; from this case, we can see right is also a motivation for some businessmen.

Lastly, I even can admit that some buisnessmen stare at money and right which would be of benefit to themselves. Nevertheless, the majority of businessmen regard the social responsibility as the major energy and source of companies’ development. No one can deny that a series of successful businessmen spare no effort to conrtibute to the society, ranging from building schools and paving roads to supporting the poor family and students. I am convincing that they are the real heroes in mondern era. Generally, that is not to say that movtation only is the thing which can benefit ourselves, that would be selfish. Responsibility should be the fundamental motivation for businessmen.

Lastly上段就是,本段可以换一个 I concede the topic’s assertion that some businessmen are drived by the movitateion of money. Nonetheless, right is also being chased by a large unmber of buisnessmen. Futhermore, any buisnessmen with great ideal should set the responsibliety of society as the real movation.
我感觉整篇文章句式有些单一，似乎多数是that的从句，或许可以来些别的句式搭配更好些，还有就是有几句话确实是有些问题，让人无法理解，一些小错误就是拼写错误和单复数问题。
不过每段都提出了一个核心内容，整篇文章比较有条理，还是比较好的。
我说话比较直接，加油啊

luofayiUID: 2325524

Do you agree or disagree with the statement: Playing sports can teach us the important lesson of+ @5 A/ c, E0 x' W
life.

Everyone knows that the sport can is essential for our health, when we play sport, we can make our bodies strong and avoid the bad sick. While except for this benefits, can we learn something from playing sports? The answer is actually sure. Lots of significant lessons we can learn from the sport games.

Firstly, cooperation with others is an important lesson we can learn from the sport. Some sport games are team work, such as basketball, football and volleyball. These games need the members of the team learn to cooperation with others. If one of the members is not willing to cooperate, thus this team couldn’t get successful in the game no matter how excellent this team member is. It is well-know that the NBA teams put the cooperation on the first place when performance in the games, also in the world-cup the transform of the football between two members play a significant role in the games. If one of the members couldn’t want to transfer the football to others and just run to the goal, he will be fail which cause great harmful to the whole team. So cooperation is an important lesson we can get when we play the sport games.

Secondly, analysis of the opposite team is another lesson which can impress us. When we play sport, the ability of the opposite team must be identified. Only know our “enemy” can we adopt appreciate strategy to play attack the opposite. For example the player of pinpong must know which kinds of strategy the opposite are good at and which kinds of strategy the opposite member is not familiar, then a strategy what the opposite member is not good at should be used in the competition.

In addition, confidence is significant when we play sports. When we are tired and exhaust in the sport of long running, the confidence is the only thing that drive us run the end. Try to think that the maxon competition in the Olympic game, it is a long way for the competitor to run, if there is no spirit-confidence to driven them. Can they run to goal?

In sum up we can know that the sport game not just give us the health bodies, it can teach us lots of things such as cooperation, analysis and be confident in our life.

mangohahaUID: 2758178

Do you agree or disagree with the statement: Playing sports can teach us the important lesson oflife.. {- ?0 _0 F) k% X
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Everyone knows that the sport can is essential for our health, when we play sport, we can make our bodies strong and avoid the bad sick. While except for this benefits, can we learn something from playing sports? The answer is actually sure. Lots of significant lessons we can learn from the sport games.
很好的首段啊O(∩_∩)O~ 我正想这个健康的问题放在哪好呢，原来首段才是最好的位置呀O(∩_∩)O~
Firstly, cooperation with others is an important lesson we can learn from the sport（观点）. Some sport games are team work, such as basketball, football and volleyball. These games need the members of the team learn to cooperation with others. If one of the members is not willing to cooperate, thus this team couldn’t get successful in the game no matter how excellent this team member is. It is well-know that the NBA teams put the cooperation on the first place when performance in the games, also in the world-cup the transform of the football between two members play a significant role in the games. If one of the members couldn’t want to transfer the football to others and just run to the goal, he will be fail which cause great harmful to the whole team. So cooperation is an important lesson we can get when we play the sport games
本段充分的论证了cooperation的重要，不过没有说这个对个人的利益 说是说lessonO(∩_∩)O~ 就差这一下.

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Secondly, analysis of the opposite team is another lesson which can impress us. When we play sport, the ability of the opposite team must be identified. （楼主，我语法差，不过ONLY开头是不是要倒装？O(∩_∩)O~有结论麻烦告诉我一下，这个我真的不知道）Only know our “enemy” can we adopt appreciate strategy to play attack the opposite. For example the player of pinpong must know which kinds of strategy the opposite are good at and which kinds of strategy the opposite member is not familiar, then a strategy what the opposite member is not good at should be used in the competition.
同样的问题，和上一段 O(∩_∩)O~
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4 r4 Y! q$ g8 z- Q( ^. e1 uIn addition, confidence is significant when we play sports. When we are tired and exhaust in the sport of long running, the confidence is the only thing that drive us run the end. Try to think that the maxon competition in the Olympic game, it is a long way for the competitor to run, if there is no spirit-confidence to driven them. Can they run to goal?
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In sum up we can know that the sport game not just give us the health bodies, it can teach us lots of things such as cooperation, analysis and be confident in our life.

语言上没什么问题，论证也可以
不过就是感觉对题目的审理没到位O(∩_∩)O~
个人观点

O(∩_∩)O谢谢您的批改

luofayiUID: 2325524

2.27作文
这个题目不好写呀~~~
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To be well-informed people should get information from many different sources.

To be a well-informed person, we should know lots things and events which are happen around us. But how can we get the information and become a well-informed person? The resources of the information play a vital role, it is not to say that we can be well-informed person just from the single resource, instead, we should get the information from different resource.

To begin with, single resource makes us know only one aspect of the thing, different resource make us know the thing comprehensive. We all get the information from the resources such as newspaper, internet, TV or heard form other people. Every one had their own explain for a thing or event, and even they have their views just based on their behalf, thus the information got from this resource must be prejudice. For example, in the campaign of voting, every voter makes speaking from their own behalf aspect and ignore the opponent, if we just listen to one of the voter, we get an incomplete standpoint. So for us who want to be a well-informed person, different resource is important

In addition, different resource can impress the news deeply in our mind. Sometimes we don’t pay much attention to the small news or event and it will disappear from our mind. While the different resource can emphasize it and we get the strong memory for this event. No matter how long the time is past we can remember is. The well-know example is that when we learn some new knowledge, we are forget it fast, however after practice after the class, in other world get the knowledge form different resources, we can get a permanent knowledge in our mind.

Lastly different resource can make the information easier to be application. The information we can for outside sometime is not very easy for us to apply to the daily life. Because single resource information can’t make us understand it comprehensive. It is necessary for us to learn from different resources and then understand it perfectly, after this can we be well know about the information and apply it appropriately, and become a well-informed person.

To sum up, to be a well-know person, it necessary for us to get the information from different resources as the reasons list above, and it is the sole path for us to make a comprehensive explain for the information and perfect apply.

bensonseuUID: 2707369

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To be well-informed people should get information from many different sources.2 P4 I8 x/ _0 m  |! Y6 R' W

To be a well-informed person,（注意下people的用法，a people指的是一个民族，以下不再多次指出了，LZ注意哈子~~） we should know lots （of）things and events which are happen around us. But how can we get the information and become a well-informed person? The resources（resources指的是资源，source才指来源，同样，以下不再指出了哈~~） of the information play a vital role, it is not to say that we can be well-informed person（person是有单复数形式滴~~~） just from the single resource, instead, we should get the information from different resource.（感觉这里用it is not to say逻辑上不太说的过去，因为这里的前半句和后半句是一个意思，LZ感觉改为that is to say怎么样呀？）


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To begin with, （a？我也不太确定的说。。。- -）single resource makes us know only one aspect of the thing, different resource（单复数注意） make us know the thing comprehensive. We all get the information from the resources such as newspaper, internet, TV or heard form other people. Every one had their own explain（explanation） for a thing or event, and even they have their views just based on their behalf, thus the information got from this resource must be prejudice. For example, in the campaign of voting, every voter makes speaking（speeches） from their own behalf aspect（呃···这个短语没见过，请教之） and ignore（ignores） the opponent, if we just listen to one of the voter（voters）, we get an incomplete standpoint. So for us who want to be a well-informed person, different resource is important.（这一段私以为是论证的单来源的信息只能使我们片面的认识问题，而多来源的信息则使我们全面的认识问题；个人建议可以再提一下全面认识问题和well-informed people之间的联系，这样就更扣题更完美了。个人建议，请君斟酌之~~）

In addition, different resource can impress（express？）
the news deeply in our mind. Sometimes we don’t pay much attention to the small news or event and it will disappear from our mind（LZ觉得用it will fade in our mind before long怎么样呀？）. While （私以为while好像不是这么用的，while用在句首一般后面都会有个逗号，while·····，·····。要么就是用在句子中间表示转折。LZ请在斟酌）the different resource can emphasize it and we get the strong memory（鄙人浅薄，没见过这样的表达，请教之~~~） for this event. No matter how long the time is past we can remember is（isàit?
We can still bear it in mind no matter how long it is gone来表达如何？）. The well-know（well-known） example is that when we learn some new knowledge, we are forget it fast（这样的表达···呃~~~）, however after（为避免和后面的重复，可以换成through） practice after the class, in other world get the knowledge form different resources, we can get a permanent knowledge in our mind.（建议楼主还是要注意下标点符号的使用，这样会让人感觉更有条理性。）


Lastly，
different resource can make the information easier to be application（Put into application）. The information we can for outside sometime（I beg your pardon``````） is not very easy for us to apply to the daily life. Because single resource information can’t make us understand it comprehensively. It is necessary for us to learn from different resources and then understand it perfectly, after this(which?) can we be well know about the information and apply it appropriately, and become a well-informed person.

To sum up, to be a well-know person, it necessary for us to get the information from different resources as the reasons listed above, and it is the sole path for us to make a comprehensive explain for the information and perfect apply.（文章中一些用词上面的小错误我只是highlight了下，没有具体修改，相信LZ看到了就会知道怎么回事了。）

（没错，这篇作文是比较难写，我也感觉是，但是楼主能够坚持写下400多的字还是非常勇敢的，文章的条理还是比较清晰的，中间三段分别论述三个方面。托福作文没有gre的逻辑那么强，最主要的还是词汇和句型，词汇只有靠背单词积累，句型可以通过汉译英来提高。建议楼主可以找一篇叫《TOEFL-iBT Writing 135 Sparkling Sentences》的资料来翻译句子提高一下句子的表达能力。还有一些词汇上面的用法楼主写作的时候也要提高一下注意力啊~~~继续加油吧~~！↖(^ω^)↗）