作文修改~

doreenyangdiUID: 2681085

这是第一次写托福作文，感觉比较奇怪...总觉得自己的段落没有fully develop...

请牛人帮忙看看~~谢谢啦~

177 A friend of yours has received some money and plans to use all of it either * to go on vacation * to buy a car Your friend has asked you for advice. Compare your friend's two choices

It is often difficult to make the decision between a car and a vacation, as both the two are attracting. As far as I am concerned, it is better to use the money on the vacation, when we take the feelings it will bring us and the human's responsibility to nature into consideration.

To begin with, a vacation can help people to enjoy life and relax. There are many attracting spots with picture-like sceneries in the world, such as the Jiu Zhaigou in China, the Hawaii Islands of America and the Provence in France. The beautiful sceneries of these places are really a feast for the eyes, they make us feel happy and relaxed. What is more, it will be a great deal of fun to enjoy nice foods in different places. As foods in different places do not taste the same, trying another favor is something like a risk for us and is really exciting.

Furthermore, going on a vacation, especially when we go to other countries, provides us the opportunity to experience another culture. In this way, the differences between our own culture and the other can inform us about the characteristics of our own culture, which, however, is often ignored when we are staying in monoculture. As a result, we might be curious about the reason to explain the origins to the differences between cultures. In this process, our eye sight was broadened and our understanding of our own culture was enhanced. Thus we gain a deeper understanding of who we are.

Last but not least, considering all the benefits that a car can provide, buying a car might be a good choice. However, when paying attention to other elements such as human's responsibility to the environment, we need to see the issue in a difficult way. Nowadays, we are facing serious environmental problems, and the increasing numbers of cars are one of the causes of the pollutions of the air. Cars use petrol as fuel, when petrol is burnt, the result is mostly carbon dioxide, which is called the Green House gases. The increasing amount of these gases is responsible for the Green House Effect. So, I think it is more environmentally friendly and energy saving not to buy cars.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

It is often difficult to make the a choice decision ('Decision' is too vague a word here. What kind of decision are you talking about? Deciding that a car is less enjoyable than a vacation can be a decision too, but that's not the decision you should be talking about, so you need to be more specific in choosing your vocabulary.) between a car and a vacation, as both the two are attractive. As far as I am concerned, it is better to use the money on the vacation, when we take into consideration (Keep the phrase together in one piece. Human memory holds only 6-7 words at the same time, so the distance between words are very important. If you keep 'into consideration' so far away from 'take', by the time your reader hits the final 'into consideration', he'll have already forgottened about the 'take'.) the feelings it will bring us and the human's responsibility to Nature into consideration.

To begin with, a vacation can help people to enjoy life and relax. There are many attractive spots with picture-like (The proper word is 'picturesque'.) sceneries in the world, such as the Jiu Zhaigou in China, the Hawaii Islands of in America ('Hawaii' is the name of the state as well as the generally known name of the place. The island chain is called 'the Hawaiian Islands'.) and the Provence in France. The beautiful sceneries of these places are really a feasts for the eyes. They make us feel happy and relaxed. What is more, it will be a great deal of fun to enjoy nice foods in different places. As foods in different places do not taste the same, trying another favor is something like a risk for us and is really exciting. (This seems to assume that you'll go different places on a vacation, which is not necessarily true, especially for the Americans :P But the larger issue here is that the question asks you to COMPARE the choices, and I don't see any of that here, yet. You're simply listing and describing the merits of vacations without any comparison.)

Furthermore, going on a vacation, especially when we go to other countries, provides us the opportunity to experience another cultures (Note that a single country may and very possibly will have different cultures.). In this way, the differences between our own culture and the others can inform us about the characteristics of our own culture, which, however, is are often ignored when we are staying in monoculture (This seems to imply that if you stay in your home country or in one country or you don't go on vacations to other countries, you'll only experice one dominating culture - which is definitely NOT TRUE. See my previous point about how a single country may have different cultures. Of course I don't try to blame you on this. China, thanks to its long and gloriously continuous history, is a solidly unified country in the cultural sense, at least at the surface level. The USA, on the other hand, is very different. The American people may share common moral and political mindsets - as often seen from their cultural exports - but cultures in that country are very, very diverse.). As a result, we might be curious about the reasons to that explain the origins to the differences between cultures. In this process, our eye sight (Why does everyone use 'broaden eyesight'? You can only 'broaden' your 'horizons'.) was broadened and our understanding of our own culture was enhanced. Thus we gain a deeper understanding of who we are.

Last but not least (This signals that you'll continue talking about vacations, instead you start talking about cars. This breaks the flow of the essay.), considering all the benefits that a car can provide, buying a car might be a good choice. However, when paying attention to other elements such as human's responsibility to the environment, we need to see the issue in a difficult? way. Nowadays, we are facing serious environmental problems, and the increasing numbers of cars are one of the causes of the pollutions of the air pollution. Cars use petrol as fuel (At the very least, natural gas is already an established alternative to petrol as car fuel. Not to mention things like bio-fuel.), when petrol is burnt, the result is mostly carbon dioxide, which is called one of the Green House gases. The increasing amount of these gases is responsible for the Green House Effect. So, I think it is more environmentally friendly and energy saving not to buy cars. (Ahh...so you think that going on vacations by flying in an plane which burns tons and tons of petrol is more environmental friendly than riding in a 1400cc car..)

总结：

你自己也感觉段落没有fully develop，那是因为题目是compare，比较，但你完全没有比较。。所说要仔细审题，审题的第一步是要看清题目让你做的是一篇什么类型的文章 =.= 除了这个之外就是语法方面要注意下单复数的使用。整篇来说文字的功力还是很好很顺畅的。