issue130 儿童的社会化程度与社会的命运 求拍，【有拍必回】

爱上千年的猫UID: 2476232

"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
9：40~10:25

The speaker alleges that the future of our society depends on the extent to which the children are socialized, whereas the effective measures to raise children to establish a better society have not yet been discovered. Common sense tells us that how children are socialized is not the only determent of the society's future. And the late history witnesses a process of approaching a better society.

Undoubtedly, how children are socialized today contributes greatly to the development of society. Society is such a network that each individual must contact each other to achieve any goals. Cooperation and teamwork are in every corner of the world. Children who want to participate in the modern society must improve their ability of socialization, in order to gain success, no matter in their career or in their private life. The ability of socialization is formed from young age, when children interact with their peers from kindergarten to college. Those who become great leaders in their later time showed a great potential to be good participant in group works when they were young. One can look no further than the case of Chinese great leader, President Mao. Mao was the "king of children" in his hometown during his childhood. The adequate experience that he gained in those years enabled him to organize people together to achieve great goals. No one will deny that the destiny of society is deeply influence by the way children are socialized.

Nevertheless, our common sense reminds us that many other factor, as crucial as socialization of children, determine the development of society. Three apt illustrations in different aspects prove this point. The progress made in science and technology improves the living environment, which is a indispensible standard to assess the current society and to indicate its future trend. The increasing spread of education enlarges people's knowledge and therefore providing a more promising condition for the future. Moreover, the highly developed culture and ideology are all favorable factors that would result in a better society. The extent of children's socialization can determine the destiny of society only when it is accompanied with other crucial factors mentioned above.

In addition, the speaker's second allegation suffers larger flaws. The history of human being and human society is a history of progress and advancements. And the chief determent of these advancement is people. If we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, how can our society be such a marvelous one? Those growing up from common children stop wars and create a peaceful world; they boom the economy that feeds up over 6 billion people on the earth; they compose elegant melody and beautiful pictures to transfer their love; they use hi-tech to save environment and endangered species; and they establish laws to protect human rights. If these changes are signs of a better world, then we can ensure that our way to raise children is successful.

In sum, to determine the destiny of the society, only considering children's socialization is not sufficient. Other crucial factors should also be emphasized. And the speaker's claim that we have not yet find effective way to raise children who can benefit the society is critically flawed since we are in the history of continuous advancements.

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已拍以下板油文章，欢迎大家指教：
2-7：issue153 ~求指导~留下链接的一定回拍~
2-7：ISSUE 130 第一次写ISSUE 求拍，有拍就回
2-7：ISSUE 56有拍必回，请留下连接
2-23：argument 53限时失败，求拍
2-23：ISSUE118 BY SadPy 求拍
2-25：ISSUE73 想象力与知识，最后一周求指教 by pluka
2-27：ISSUE171 我的第二

binghuoshenlongUID: 2670882

"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
9：40~10:25

The speaker alleges that the future of our society depends on the extent to which（结构是什么 怎么读不懂） the children are socialized, whereas the effective measures to raise children to establish a better society have not yet been discovered. Common sense tells us that how children are socialized is not the only determent of the society's future. And the late history witnesses a process of approaching a better society.

Undoubtedly, how children are socialized today contributes greatly to the development of society. Society is such a network that each individual must contact each other to achieve any goal. Cooperation and teamwork are in every corner of the world. Children who want to participate in the modern society must improve their ability of socialization, in order to gain success, no matter in their career or in their private life. The ability of socialization is formed from young age{youth是不是更好}, when children interact with their peers from kindergarten to college. Those who become great leaders in their later time showed a great potential to be
a good participant in group works when they were young. One can look no further than the case of Chinese great leader, President Mao. Mao was the "king of children" in his hometown during his childhood. The adequate experience that he gained in those years enabled him to organize people together to achieve great goals. No one will deny that the destiny of society is deeply influenced by the way children are socialized.

Nevertheless, our common sense reminds us that many other factors, as crucial as socialization of children, determine the development of society. Three apt illustrations in different aspects prove this point. The progress made in science and technology improves the living environment, which is a indispensible standard to assess the current society and to indicate its future trend. The increasing spread of education enlarges（感觉enriches更好些） people's knowledge and therefore providing a more promising condition for the future. Moreover, the highly developed culture and ideology are all favorable factors that would result in a better society. The extent of children's socialization can determine the destiny of society only when it is accompanied with other crucial factors mentioned above.

In addition, the speaker's second allegation（你是说第三段有误吧，那你这段开头不用nevertheless、为什么用in addition 这个又没转折意思） suffers larger flaws. The history of human being and human society is a history of progress and advancements. And the chief determent of these advancement is people（建议改成 the behaviors and value system or train of thought这样的东西）. If we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, how can our society be such a marvelous one? Those growing up from common children stop wars and create a peaceful world; they boom the economy that feeds up over 6 billion people on the earth; they compose elegant melody and beautiful pictures to transfer their love; they use hi-tech to save environment and endangered species; and they establish laws to protect human rights. If these changes are signs of a better world, then we can ensure that our way to raise children is successful.

In sum, to determine the destiny of the society, only considering children's socialization is not sufficient. Other crucial factors should also be emphasized. And the speaker's claim that we have not yet find
an effective way to raise children who can benefit the society is critically flawed since we are in the history of continuous advancements.
总体感觉思路清晰 但是第三段和第四段的转折感觉处理的不好
你的语言用的还不错  但有时候写的力度不够强 虽然逻辑没问题 但是分析不够深入
我给分的话 是4                 回拍的时候把argument也帮我看看 谢谢啦 https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1065336&extra=

爱上千年的猫UID: 2476232

on the extent to which……的程度

In addition, the speaker's second allegation（你是说第三段有误吧，那你这段开头不用nevertheless、为什么用in addition 这个又没转折意思）
这里是指题目中的第二句话，题目的两句话各是一个allegations。态度是延续上一段的批判，当然不用转折咯~

谢谢帮我修改细节错误~我帮你看一下你的

adcolorsUID: 2256933

I wrote this in English only to practice my writing and spelling. Correct me if I made any mistake and sorry for my broken English~

1. In the second last sentence of your first paragraph "Common sense tells us that how children are socialized is not the only determent of the society's future.", by saying "determent", do you actually mean "determinant" which means "a determining or causal element or factor" (www.dict.cn)?

2. I like the way you analyze  this issue, however, your tone seems like a mixture of an argu and an issue and I am not sure whether it's risky to do so. I mean you're not supposed to purely argue the validation of a certain statement when writing an issue yes? To my knowledge, at least you may have to further develop the topic into an argument (which reveals the thinking process in your own way) at first then you can start refuting with specific supporting idea, only that makes it a piece of issue rather than an argu here right?

3. My teacher of Writing Assistance Program told me that she used to have a glance at the first two sentences of each paragraph which provide the reader a brief impression of both structure and coherence of the article,  when she served as a marker. It might be her personal habit, but it also provide us a very useful clue when writing our own article: to make sure the first two sentences accurate, precise and what is more important, logically cohered.

Holding the above conclusion, let's see your work.

Paragraph 1 (P for short in the following context): Rephrased the topic and provide your own opinion - partly "for" and wholly "against".

P 2: Partly agree with some proofs. (I can understand your logic basically developed in this way: Children will grow up to form a next generation, thus the way children 's behaving will paralleling the development of the society. Your further provided two examples: one in general, any great leader in their childhood and Chairman Mao).

P 3: Deny that socialization of children is the only factor to affect the development of whole society with "three apt examples"(By the way you almost use the same phrase here, which might be considered as repeat and will minus your score) -advance of science and technology, wide spread?(or do you mean the improved feasibility to receive a basic or even higher education) education and changing of society and ideology.

P 4: Further against by point out there is a large(significant?) flaw of the speaker's allegation(I think it might be too strong to say "allegation" here, I'd rather use "statement" instead) that he ignored the existing success in our society and those success are right contributed by generations of children under the normal raising way.

P 5: Restate your conclusion of minor concession and generally disagreement.

The structure seems quite good for me, however, few coherence or underline logic can be found between each paragraph.

My comments and suggestions in general:
1. Enhance your rephrasing. Beside the way to made a parallel sentence, we can also provide a short statement of even simply an example instead.
2. Try to pay more attention to the end sentence of each paragraph and the first sentence of next one.
3. I like you way of organizing your idea and each of your point seems has a/several strong supporting idea(s) behind, which is highly recommended in western writing style.
4. Make your idea and vocabulary a little bit more precise, try to identify those major verbs in advance in dictionaries when you are doing practice.

Thank you for your time reading this... Wish you a good luck in your exam and the same to me ^ ^.

爱上千年的猫UID: 2476232

RE: adcolors
Thank you very much for your detailed advice and I really appreciate that.

I would pay more attention to the logical link between paragraphs as you pointed out as a drawback.

Rephrasing is another task that I would take. I always feel that the time is too limited to think up an alternative way to express the same idea.

With respect to the use of words, I would accept your advice and look them up when I finish writing.

Thank u again and wish u good luck~~Hope we can help each other in the rest days before the exam~~~

adcolorsUID: 2256933

Sure. What is your AW exam date? And you're going to take the 6G right?
Maybe we can help each other going through the hard journey  though I've suffered it once...
Anyway thx for yr kind words.
God bless we gters~~~~~~~~

爱上千年的猫UID: 2476232

RE: adcolors

My AW exam is 2nd April thus there is only a month left. What about yours? What is your scheme for preparing? I write one issue that appears on the high frequency list and one argument every Tues. to Friday, two of both on Weekends and Monday. I think if we can coordinate our preparing plan and revise each other's works everyday, it will be of great value.

This is the issue I wrote this morning. I paid more attention to the logical link between paragraphs and reiteration. I'll preciate it if you can spare some help me revise it.
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1065995&extra=