帮忙改篇作文吧 Argument169

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"Some studies conducted by Bronston College, which is also
                 located in a small town, reveal that both male and female
                  professors are happier(1) living in small towns when their
                  spouses are also employed in the same geographic area.
                  Therefore, in the interest of attracting the most(5) gifted
                  teachers and researchers to our faculty and improving the
                  morale of our entire(3) staff(5), we at Pierce University
                  should offer employment to the spouse of each new faculty
                  member we hire(2,4,7,9). Although we cannot expect all offers
                  to be accepted or to be viewed as an ideal job offer, the
                  money invested in this effort will clearly be well spent(6)
                  because, if their spouses have a chance of employment, new
                  professors will be more likely to accept our offers(8)."
下面是我写的

In this argument the authorcomes to the conclusion that Prierce university should offer employment to thespouse of each new faculty member results from attracting the most giftedteachers and researchers and improving the morale of the ertire stuff.Tojustify this conclusion the author cites that some studies conducted byBronston College,which is also located in a samll town,reveal that both maleand female professors prefer to live in small town when their spouses are alsoemployed in the same area.The author also points out that no matter the moneyaimed at offering jobs to their spouses will be well spent and whether alloffers can be viewed as an ideal job,it is possible that new professors will bemore likely to accept these offers.

In the first place,thestudy must be showed to be reliable before I can accept the facts theconclusion reaches based upon it.But the author fails to prove the responsesare accurate or the respondants are statistically significant in number.It isentirely possible that the respondants participated in this study are thosepeople whose spouses have already got ideal job in the same area.That is to saythis study may preclude the fact that the respondants cannot representative ofoverall attitude in terms of this study.Lacking such evidence to support thisassertation,the author cannot convince me this recommendation will beeffective.

Aditionally,even assumingthat this study can be viewed enough to refect the whole lever of attitudestowards this conslusion,the author fails to consider the differences betweenBronston College and Pierce University,which might help to bring aboutdifferent results in this recommendation.The author provides no evidence tosupport it.It is entirely possible that the professors in Pierce University mayhave a toally oppositive attitude toward this study.Moreover,the author failsto show that what fraction of these new professors will move to PierceUniversity.Without accounting for and ruling out thses possiblities,the author’srecommendation can be viewed premature and the dissimilarities between thosedifferent universites would probably bring about different results in thisconclusion.

Finally,in claiming thatthe by way of arranging the professors’ spouses ideal employment,the authorassumes that this method will attract the most gifted teachers and researchersto this university definitely to some extent.However,tha author does notprovide any strong evidence to substantiate it.Commen sense tells us the mostgifted professors will choose those universities that have advancedtechnologies and perfect ambience so that they will promote their occupation inthe field of studies.In this way,Pierce University should consider make fulluse of money to invest in their teaching programs or to improve their equipmentof technologies.Without considering other factors lead to attract theseexcellent professors,the author’s conclusion cannot be taken seriously.

In sum,this recommendationreached in this argument is invalid and misleading.To make it logicallyacceptable,the author must show the respondants of the study are representativeof every level of attitudes.I will suspend my judgement of the crebility ofthis argument until the author provides that the two universities have the samecondition in terms of this recommedation in this argument.Moreover,to betteraccess this conclusion,the author must tell us that the inevtability of thisrecommendation other than several possiblities contribute to attract to these preeminentprofessors..