【1010G精英组】ISSUE130 F组回收站

carol.ljUID: 2764249

改xmaszzt的
What kind of society we are striving for – more technical, more sustainable, or more harmonious- determines what kind of education we take on children who determine the destiny of society, as the dual claims provides by the author, the better socialized education has a close relationship with the better society that I fundamentally agree . So, if we have not learn how to rise children bring about a better society, what skills the children grasps by the education at present, and if the education was socialized, whether we will have a better society.[对题目做出回应，基本上赞成作者观点]

Recognized that the education is not equal to the schools, which really is the main body of the current education system. The schools, teaching the knowledge, at the same time it imitate a environment which is related to society but not really the society, in this environment, children learn some social rules to regulate their behaviors, face their challenges and resolve them during the period of(删，adolescence就青春期的意思啊) adolescence, and in this environment, children learn some basic social skills to deal with their friends, such as cooperation, compromise, acceptance and negotiation. So we can see that the purpose of the schools which gathering the children is to let our later generations adapt this society. Though the educators realize teaching
（加上plays a key role to）
is(is 去掉) merge the knowledge and the society, the ‘under-socialized’ schools is（are） not enough （添个to be constructed）, as the competing pressure is stifling to model children, the standard of good or bed（bad） in school mostly focus on how is the knowledge mastered in some parts in the world for example.(这个改成陈述的语气)[这段主要讲了学校是教育体系的主体，它对孩子青春期成长有很多积极的影响，孩子青春期社会化的一个过程]

Let us change our mind[上面的结尾处说好坏的标准取决于知识在世界的一些部分中怎么被撑握，将要举例说明。但这里没有例证，感觉缺点什么] what is the effect if we make the main body of education which is the society itself? On one hand, the education should open to the society.（尽量避免用should吧） Except necessary examines, schools should support all students more opportunities to learn how to live in society and tell from right values from wrong one, more constructive, schools can offer some chance to the children such as part-time jobs, or volunteers in public sites, liking libraries, parks, and other sites which will be a valuable experience to shorten the distance between schools and society. On the other hand, the whole society should shoulder the obligations of education. Schools, families, and other public places would all play the roles to raise the children to bring a better society. This sounds frothy but it worth to win over. Maybe the families, the schools, the environment children lived in will form a network of education and everyone has a positive guided attitudes when he face a child[当面对一个孩子的时候，每个人都有一个积极有向导的态度，说啥，读不懂。。][这段开头就提出分论题：如果教育的主体是社会本身，将有哪些效果呢？大部分讲的还是学校，与第二段差不多，是不是有点重复了？？]

To all, I am not worried about that if the education was socialized, we can not get the better society. We have already socialized the education for a long time, and this proved to be correct. If it says we never get a better society only by socializing the education, but this way will always be good to the children, so and the society.[教育的社会化是社会发展的动力，呼应开头]
  
结构上，文章的思路是这样的：
1．同意作者的观点，教育的社会化与社会的命运有关
2．孩子青春期社会化的一个过程
3．学校和社会对孩子的的社会化
4．总结，呼应开头
可以看出第二段与第三段重复了，第一段中定义了一个更好的社会，但下文很少很少说到教育社会化的程度对建设一个更好的社会有什么影响，怎么个影响法。如果加上这些，内容上也会充实些。
在说理的过程中缺乏一些例证，以后要多积累点素材咯～～
不管是语言本身，还是语言的逻辑上，我很难找出些错误（唉，平时我作文的语言上就蛮多问题了）….再琢磨琢磨了…

悦微微志燮UID: 2759026

isirui~~~

Actually, the children are the future of the society, which I totally agree, because they will play the main role in the future in every field when growing up. However, the claim that “How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society” overstated the importance of the socialization in one’s childhood. And maybe it’s either hard to make sure that whether the effective raising children socialized could lead to a better society. （简单明了，直接提出了观点）

As we know, if a child has opportunities to take general education sufficiently together with peers, live in the same environment, and even communicate with the society completely(我觉得换个词形容）, he will be possible to become who supports the society. But if not, he is most likely to grow into an anti-social（是反社会的意思么？我觉得不应该这么激进的） adult. However, socialization is a long process in one’s life. During his childhood the socialization displays learning the attitudes, values and actions appropriate to individuals as members of particular culture （这部分没太看懂）because of the differences of parents from whom the child first learns. Even the discrepancy of children’s socialization forming could be overlooked, then during teenager and adult（我觉得可以用from…to…）, what they learn from the institution, entering a new profession and relocating a new environment always change a lot what they got before. So the socialization occurring in（on?） children couldn’t completely determine the destiny of society and we must consider the element the changes in teenager and adult. （可以在这段加入例子丰富一下）

In addition, according to above analysis, the socialization is only one factor influencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society. Many factors such as experience, education, career, media, culture, religion and so on also influence it.（可以多加点内容）

On the other hand, haven’t we yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? I think the answer is clear for us that we are creating a better society than before. The society today is more peaceful, full of equal human rights, and richer, which we have contributed (+to?). However, when we were children 20 years ago, did we receive some education or trainings about socialization? And even if we were socialized then, could the financial crisis in 1998 and 2007 which cause the society to be worse than before be avoided? （这个例子是否有点牵强…，个人认为社会建设和经济形势不是很一样）What my opinion is that there is no direct relationship between that how to raise children socialized and bringing about a better society.

In conclusion, it is very important to raise children who are the future of the society and the influencing of the socialization in one’s childhood（觉得这话不通，前后好像连不上）. But we must realize that the socialization is only one of the elements which bring about a better society and we should also pay attention to the method to socialize children.

1、思路很清晰。社会化是个长过程，不容忽视以后的改变——>还有好多其他因素影响——>社会化程度和建设更好的社会没有直接联系
2、我觉得有的词，特别是形容词用得还是不够准确。句子之间的衔接挺好的，有明确的连接词。
3、修锐上课的时候说过，不要在作文里展现你GRE单词背的有多好，全部罗列出超难的单词，但是也要有一两个GRE词汇进行点缀。我觉得应该在形容词、副词方面多多积累，用几个有难度的词汇，也算闪光点。
4、搜集更多的例子@@！！加油！！！！

lxin333UID: 2650844

Children are the future of a nation. People from all circles of society are paying their attention on the growing up of children. And in my opinion, I tend to agree the speaker’s view that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.(咋不在开头说下支不支持后面观点？)
    Although, compared with the old days,
the living standard has a great change, the leadership and cooperate abilities of nowadays children are lower than the older generation. More and more children are growing up in the family which has only on child. The higher level of education source, living environment and available information could not replace the position of playmates that company with the children since the childhood. The lonely lives make children lack of the training of teamwork and communications. It’s not a good phenomenon to the children’s growing. Children may have problems to blend into the society when they have to meet the reality. For instance, many people have a perfect grade in their schools, but they still fail to get the achievement in their works. A good grade can be made by the hardworking of individual, but a great work needs people’s communication with others more（不知道有没有放错）. The socialization plays an important role in the development of society. How could the society become if there is no communication around people who live here?　The result is the decay of a society.不如对应上面的development说 社会发展会遇到阻碍，不然有点对不上前文
    Apart from these, how to educate children is also a study focus among the educators复数 and the parents. Nowadays, most children go to learn the piano, dancing, painting and other art skills. Some parents also send their children to learn a second language, math, writing and so forth. Although these studies improve the civilization quality of the children, it also gives the children great pressures. Many students have depressive illness. The education system has exposed its advantages that it just pays attention on how many skills a student has, but not on the development of psychology and physical health.赞好观点，学习！ Building a better society needs the support of people who have wholesome inner quality but not children who only get nervous when meeting the problems.
    Undeniably, there are also many other factors impacting the destiny of society, but the level of socialization is the basic and essential one. We still have many后面那家伙是不可数诶 confusion on how to educate children to be a fully developed individuals.
    Consequently, due to analysis and reasons above, we should really concern more of the socialization of children, which will have great influence on the development of our society.

Issue真的很难改，也很难评论，主要是我不会写issue，改作文是为了更好的学习。
不过还是有点拙见~
这篇文章毕竟是说的社会化，教育应该是隐含的一个因素，第三段直接讲教育似乎不太合理，我觉得可以补充下社会化的定义啊~其中教育很关键！~教育质量的好坏也决定了社会化的效果啥的~大概就这样把 我水平还有待提高~