shufesc的独立作文贴~~欢迎各位拍砖

shufescUID: 2616499

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
The government should focus more on environmental problems and less on economic development.

Acid rain, sand storms and oil pollution appear frequently in recent decades. Most of the countries in the world have realized the significance of environmental protection. In my opinion, since the grave situation facing us, environmental problems should be paid more attention than pure economic development.

First of all, taking living condition of people into consideration, government has the responsibility to protect the environment. In some areas of Asia, sand storms have become a frequent visitor. People have to stay at home with the windows closed. Due to the damage of vegetation, people's lives have been interrupted by some extreme weather phenomenon including heavy thunderstorm, flood and drought, most of which are the direct or indirect consequence of environmental problems. These problems have some negative influence on the economic development. Therefore, in order to protect the health of people, government should pay more attention on the environment issues.

Moreover, in order to keep our economic development sustainable, it is unwise for the government to improve the economic development at the cost of environment. In the rainforest in South America, large amount of woods are cut down to satisfy the demand of human beings. Consumption of woods may make contribution to the economic development, but result in the global warm in some degree. When the temperature goes up, serious drought impairs the economic development. Hence, government should focus on environmental protection for the purpose of maintaining a sustainable economic development.

However, I disagree some measures that may hinder the economic development. Economy is the initial power of advance of society, so we cannot take measures to protect the environment regardless of the economy. According to a recent survey, a country with insufficient product has inclination to stimulate the economic development by measures that do harm to the environment. It is hard to imagine that people will live in a friendly environment but no enough food and clothes. There is no denying that economic development is the foundation of solutions for any other issues.

To sum up, since the severe situation of the environmental protection, forceful measures should be taken by the government to put an end to damage of the environment. Otherwise, our earth will be not suitable for human beings.

amanda_qinyyUID: 2632170

谢谢你帮我改作文哈，虽然不是一个组的，我还是帮你也回改一篇吧！ 嘿嘿，不过要稍晚点贴上来，今天满课~

hyacinthUID: 2184492

Acid rain, sand storms and oil pollution appear frequently in recent decades. -> the word 'decades' is kind of overexaggerating... it's like at least twenty years...  [ consider changing the order of first and second sentence or combine them into one sentence... the logic doesnt not flow well here.  ] Most of the countries in the world have realized the significance of environmental protection. In my opinion, since the grave situation facing us, environmental problems should be paid more attention than pure economic development.

First of all, taking living condition of people into consideration, [awkward. why do you need the first part of your sentence?? ] government has the responsibility to protect the environment. In some areas of Asia, sand storms have become a frequent visitor [try to use less word like 'become' and use other action words. Like here, you could say, sand storms have visited some areas of Asia frequently.  The sentence sounds stronger. And TOEFL thinks highly of test takers' word of choice since it's a language test. ]. People have to stay at home with the windows closed. Due to the damage of vegetation, people's lives have been interrupted by some extreme weather phenomenon including heavy thunderstorm, flood and drought, most of which are the direct or indirect consequence of environmental problems. These problems have some negative influence on the economic development [like what negative impacts and how they affect the economic development? name a few and it will sound more believable... next time, try to elaborate at places like here. you need to incorprate the example into your argument.]. Therefore, in order to protect the health of people, government should pay more attention on the environment issues.6 a; j, A' |/ e0 S

Moreover, in order to keep our economic development sustainable, it is unwise for the government to improve the economic development at the cost of environment. [ you need to explain in details why the rest of your paragraph shows the claim you made in the first sentence. ] In the rainforest in South America, large amount of woods are cut down to satisfy the demand of human beings. Consumption of woods may make contribution to the economic development, but result in the global warm in some degree. When the temperature goes up, serious drought impairs the economic development [like how? Be specific]. Hence, government should focus on environmental protection for the purpose of maintaining a sustainable economic development.

; a! s' M$ [6 R1 j& l, |
However, I disagree some measures that may hinder the economic development. Economy is the initial power of advance of society, ->[awkward. what do you mean by initial power?] so we cannot take measures to protect the environment regardless of the economy. According to a recent survey, a country with insufficient product has inclination to stimulate the economic development by measures that do harm to the environment. It is hard to imagine that people will live in a friendly environment but no enough food and clothes. There is no denying that economic development is the foundation of solutions for any other issues.[so? is this your counterargument ? respond to it...don't just let it hang in your essay. basically, you need a "but" here... economic development is important but we have to prioritize environmental problem because_______. you fill in the blank.] 7 r5 g' u4 {5 l0 c

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To sum up, since the severe situation of the environmental protection, forceful measures ["measures" have showed up a lot in your essay ... try to replace it with other similar word.] should be taken by the government to put an end to damage of the environment. Otherwise, our earth will be not suitable for human beings.


your english is decent... but you need to work on the structure on your essay and develop more on your ideas... you cannot just assume everyone knows what is in your mind... write your ideas down ...in detail and with explanation of your logic flow...

hope it helps~ keep it up~

yixin5690UID: 2790180

5.11by yixin5690
非常感谢shufesc的修改，以后不会再用kind of  了，呵呵
那个in some extent是在某种程度上，performace will drop 是我在一个口语模板上看见的也不知对不对，我就是一个很好的例子我也就只能想到i, myself, is an appropriate example 了,如果你知道什么更好的表达希望也能告诉我。

amanda_qinyyUID: 2632170

5.10  修改 By 暧暧

见附件。

有何问题，欢迎留言讨论。

080112北美.doc (27 KB, 下载次数: 9)

2010-5-11 18:16:00 上传

下载次数: 9

shufescUID: 2616499

Do you agree or disagree that improving schools is the most factor in successful development of country?

Nowadays education has been regarded as one of the most influential factors in the development of a country. Considering the great significance of education, most countries spend a considerable amount of money on improving the quality of education. But does the improvement of schools necessarily result in the successful development of a country? I do not agree. The reasons are as follows.

To begin with, it is difficult to conclude that schools with high quality can bring up promising students. The quality of education on a large scale depends on the quality of the students. In a high school near my hometown, most students play computer games all day and never care for their homework. So even if the school is equipped with the most advanced facilities, it is useless for the development of country because the quality of education does not increase at all. Hence, improving schools may not have any effect on the development of country.

Moreover, even if improving the school results in the advance of the quality of education and more talent students receive higher education, they may be not interested in working for the country. For example, in some Asia countries, the most excellent students choose to study abroad and never come back after they finish undergraduate study in their country. In this circumstance, the students make no contribution to the development of the country. So the high quality of schools just produces excellent students, but has no relation to the development of the country.

In addition, suppose the schools which receive support from the government brings up the outstanding students and they are willing to work for their country, it is also unsubstantiated to reach the conclusion that the country will make progress successfully. As we all know, sustainable development of a country depends on the balance between the economic development and the protection of resources and environment. If the government exerts policies that fail to take the environmental protection into consideration, there is no doubt that the development of the country is unsuccessful.

To sum up, there are many factors that affect the process of successful development of a country and improving the quality of school is just a small part and not necessarily results in the success. The level of students, the choice of them to work for the country or not and the macroeconomic policies of the government all exert significant influence on the development of country.

shufescUID: 2616499

3# hyacinth
感谢 版主帮我修改作文，确实我在逻辑和文章结构方面有所欠缺，需要加强。

shufescUID: 2616499

4# yixin5690
5# amanda_qinyy
谢谢两位的修改。说的都很好。

shufescUID: 2616499

2008.3.29 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: It is more important to have rules about the types of clothing that people wear at work and at school.　 (Work & Education)

Some people hold the view that people should wear formal clothing when they are at work or at school. While others people have their freedom to choose what to wear no matter at home or public places. In my opinion, it is necessary to make rules that restrict the types of clothing that people wear at work and students at school.

To begin with, it distinguishes people of different occupations to wear certain clothing. People wearing a suit give others a feeling of formality which is always regarded as suitable clothing for white-collar working in offices. What people wear is the symbol of the status. Students are always required to wear the uniform when they are at school because it makes it possible for them to receive help from others when they are in trouble. Hence, rules about the types of clothing are of great significance for people to show their occupation.

Moreover, wearing formal clothing creates atmosphere of seriousness in offices. For companies, people in the offices often need to have a meeting with clients, so if they wear some other clothing that is not formal, the clients may feel unpleasant and refuse the cooperation with the company. Therefore, for people in the offices, wearing formal suits show a positive attitude towards the clients.

Furthermore, it may bring some negative effects for students if they are not ruled to wear uniform at school. The youngsters are prone to be affected by their peers including in clothing. If someone wear a very fashion clothes at school and receive a lot of admire, others are prone to buy the similar wearing no matter it is necessary or not. This comparison will cost a lot of attention from students and result in the less involvement in study. So the rules about types of clothing are indispensible for students.

To sum up, rules to regulate the wearing of people at working places or schools have many positive influences on the work and study efficiency.

shufescUID: 2616499

During the financial crisis, it is more difficult for graduates to find a decent job in the industry. To give suggestions to them, some people hold the view that graduates should attempt different kinds of jobs before they choose a fixed occupation. I basically agree with them. The reasons are as follows.

To begin with, attempts to take different jobs provide graduates opportunities to find out what they prefer as a long term job. Some internship in large companies gives graduates chances to get into the offices and experience the real life in the companies. My friend Wang has worked in many different companies as intern and he finds that his introvert personality is not fit for a sales position. Instead, he enjoys his working in the banks as an operation official. Though different kinds of working experience, he finds the one most suitable for him. Hence, attempts to different kinds of jobs give graduates chances to discover what they are fit for.

Moreover, working in different kinds of companies expands the range of knowledge and experience. As we all know, nowadays graduates with multi-backgrounds are welcomed by many companies because they are believed to know much more than their own major. William, a famous CEO of an Internet company in China, has worked as teacher, official in the government and engineer before he came into the company he works for today. His abundant experience and network in both universities and government helps him manage the company easily. So widely working experience contributes greatly to one's success and thus should be a favorable option for those who are about to determine their long-term jobs.

Some people may argue that it takes too much time for students who have not graduated from their schools. In my opinion, too much work can affect the quality of education indeed, but this disadvantage can be avoided by working in the vacation. Shu, one of the graduates in my university, works for a medical company in the summer, and thus his work does not contradict his study in class. From this case, I am fully convinced that suitable amount of working experience does not affect the study of graduates.

To sum up, experience in different kinds of jobs brings a lot of benefit to the graduates and thus this idea should be advocated among students.

求助！那位大侠能不能告诉我最后一段应该怎么写，我这两片作文写到最后一段都不知道改写些什么。万分感谢！:)

m4mischaUID: 2740466

10# shufesc

During the financial crisis, it is more difficult for graduates to find a decent job in the industry. To give suggestions to them, some people hold the view that graduates should attempt different kinds of jobs before they choose a fixed occupation. I basically agree with them. The reasons are as follows.
To begin with, attempts to take(这里take要去掉的不然你这个句子有两个谓语，去掉的话attempt可以变名词用） different jobs provide graduates opportunities to find out what they prefer as a long term job（这里job可以换个词比如career,vocation因为貌似job更多是指零工吧）. Some internship in large companies gives graduates chances to get into the offices and experience the real life in the companies. My friend Wang has worked in many different companies as intern and he finds that his introvert personality is not fit for a sales position. Instead, he enjoys his working in the banks as an operation official. Though different kinds of working experience, he finds the one most suitable for him. Hence, attempts to different kinds of jobs give graduates chances to discover what they are fit for（这里适当换一种说法比如说“值得他们倾尽毕生心血的）.# z+ \  h+ {( x% N) I
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Moreover, working in different kinds of companies expands the range of knowledge and experience. As we all know, nowadays graduates with multi-backgrounds are welcomed by many companies because they are believed to know much more than their own major. William, a famous CEO of an Internet company in China, has worked as teacher, official in the government and engineer before he came into the company he works for today. His abundant experience and network in both universities and government helps him manage the company easily. So widely working experience contributes greatly to one's success and thus should be a favorable option for those who are about to determine their long-term jobs. # }) j& u+ U. o$ H
1 S2 f3 ^8 w3 U. l* G6 @
Some people may argue that it takes too much time for students who have not graduated from their schools. In my opinion, too much work can affect the quality of education indeed, but this disadvantage can be avoided by working in the vacation. Shu, one of the graduates in my university, works for a medical company in the summer, and thus his work does not contradict his study in class. From this case, I am fully convinced that suitable（合适的适量的有很多词啊 suitable已经用过了 尝试一下别的） amount of working experience does not affect the study of graduates.2 Y0 }& K8 z; r2 `! ?
To sum up, experience in different kinds of jobs brings a lot of benefit to the graduates and（and应该要去掉吧） thus this idea should be advocated among students.

1.不得不说楼主的思路是很清晰的，知道自己要写什么在写什么，论据充分为论点服务，这点很好，但是似乎语言过于简单，基本上是平铺直叙 ，可以在丰富一下自己的语言， 比如有的词想不到可以代替的可以用比喻，并且注意句式变化的话可以使文章更加出彩。
2. 注意一下冠词的用法 我觉得你有的地方 the 用的不是很恰当  
3. 关于最后一段，个人浅见哦~ 你可以这样写， 总的来讲， 当年轻人刚毕业面临择业的时候往往不能准确的定位自己并且缺少经验，然而尝试不同的工作恰恰能弥补这些不足，何乐而不为呢。尽管 ，实习可能会浪费一点时间牵扯一点精力或者由于实习期间没有工资入不敷出， 但是经验这种宝贵并且需要日积月累的东西，是绝对值得我们付出时间和精力的，并且其价值是远远不能用金钱来衡量的。  也就是说 你总结一下前面写的 东西，然后稍稍让步， 最后再次肯定中心论点。
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yixin5690UID: 2790180

10# shufesc
5.13 by yixin5690

shufescUID: 2616499

11# m4mischa
12# yixin5690
感谢两位的修改。
关于attempt 的问题，我是把attempt当做名词，作主语，to do 是从属于attempt的，两位都指出了这个问题，但是我觉得没有错。
用一个字典的例子：My early attempts at learning to drive were unsuccessful. 我就是参照这个用法写的。欢迎大家探讨。

shufescUID: 2616499

090227NA
Do you agree or disagree the following statement:
More vacation time job better than high salary less off vacation time job.

Which is more valuable for people, vacation time or high salary? Some people claim that high salary gives people large amount of money which can ameliorate people's life, while others hold the view that vacation is more precious than high salary. In my opinion, more vacation time job is better choice for anyone. The reasons are as follows.

To begin with, vacation provides people with sufficient time to accompany their families or have a trip to other places. There is no denying the fact that we have responsibility to take care of our families including our children and our parents. Since children are fond of playing and travelling, vacation time offers us opportunities to take them to travel around the country or even the world in vacation time. Seeing our parents may be not as flexible as before, in vacation time we ought to do them a favor and deal with some housework including cleaning the roof, mowing the lawn and so on. In light of this, every one of us need large amount of vacation time to stay with our families.

Moreover, after a long time work under high pressure, we need a period of vacation to relax ourselves. In most working time, we are sitting in the desk and looking at the computer for a long time. This habit exerts a detrimental influence on our necks and eyes. For the purpose of allaying the discomfort of our necks and eyes, we need vacation time to step out of offices to do a lot of physical exercise. Also we can go to some natural sites with green lands to breathe the refreshing air. Hence, from the concern about health, everyone calls for a period of vacation time.

Some people may argue that if we take a long vacation time, we will earn less salary. However, vacation time can help us keep high efficiency when we come back from vacation. Wang, one of my best friends, took a trip to America last month. When he came back, he finished a report of investigation about petroleum industry in just four days, which is out of the question before his trip to America. In just a few days, he was praised by the manager and got promotion. From this instance, we can conclude that vacation time help people release the pressure and improve the efficiency of us. This may help us get promoted and more money as a result.

From the analysis made above, I agree with the statement that more vacation time job is better than high salary no matter from the aspect of our families or ourselves. Besides, a pleasant relaxation contributes greatly to the high efficiency and has a chance to get more money.

Relax=ease=relieve=allay discomfort/pain/trouble/fears/doubt/suspicion/suffering

missyoucrazyUID: 2745188

090227NA
3 ]; t9 [; ~/ }0 X" ODo you agree or disagree the following statement:
+ ], y# G0 a7 o) E9 d( V! w# YMore vacation time job better than high salary less off vacation time job.( P. n) b% {: m% x8 l

8 ?6 ^' Q0 g5 j5 PWhich is more valuable for people, vacation time or high salary? Some people claim that high salary gives people large amount of money which can ameliorate people's life, while others hold the view that vacation is more precious than high salary. In my opinion, more vacation time job is better choice for anyone. The reasons are as follows.
- I# u1 S" Z- p' t! L! H
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To begin with, vacation provides people with sufficient time to accompany their families or have a trip to other places. There is no denying the fact that we have responsibility to take care of our families including our children and our parents. Since children are fond of playing and traveling, vacation time offers us opportunities to take them to travel around the country or even the world in vacation time. Seeing our parents may be not as flexible as before, in vacation time we ought to do them a favor and deal with some housework including cleaning the roof, moving the lawn and so on. In light of this, every one of us need large amount of vacation time to stay with our family.

7 I1 m. d1 y5 y( jMoreover, after a long time work under high pressure, we need a period of vacation to relax ourselves. At most working time, we are sitting in the desk and looking at the computer for a long time. This habit exerts a detrimental influence on our necks and eyes. For the purpose of allaying the discomfort of our necks and eyes, we need vacation time to step out of offices to do a lot of physical exercise. Also we can go to some natural sites with green lands to breathe the refreshing air. Hence, from the concern about health, everyone calls for a period of vacation time.

* H4 n/ i$ L& I/ i8 T  R- \4 g: aSome people may argue that if we take a long vacation time, we will earn less salary. However, vacation time can help us keep high efficiency when we come back from vacation. Wang, one of my best friends, took a trip to America last month. When he came back, he finished a report of investigation about petroleum industry in just four days, which is out of the question before his trip to America. In just a few days, he was praised by the manager and got promotion. From this instance, we can conclude that vacation time help people release the pressure and improve the efficiency of us. This may help us get promoted and more money as a result.
. D" O* @' A3 T+ j5 c1 X
' k% }7 d5 t2 t/ OFrom the analysis made above, I agree with the statement that more vacation time job is better than high salary no matter from the aspect of our families or ourselves. Besides, a pleasant relaxation contributes greatly to the high efficiency and has a chance to get more money(主语呢？).
  ~  r( i: N! O2 h+ ]# b9 _& X; E
2 u( g) f. L4 I7 @
Relax=ease=relieve=allay discomfort/pain/trouble/fears/doubt/suspicion/suffering
文章写得很好，语言上我基本看不出什么错误来。但是我觉得有如下问题：
1.楼主的论证感觉说服力不够充分。像第二段，论点是更多假期能让我们能有更多的时间和家人在一起。然后论证就一直说我们可以和家人干什么什么。。。感觉这样都是在废话，可以换种思路，比如工作挣钱的目的就是为了家人，如果只挣钱而不陪家人，再多钱也没有，家人们也很难得到快乐。只有利用假期时间和他们在一起玩，即使钱少，也会过得很幸福快乐的，这才是生命的价值所在，重要的在于享受整个过程。其他的几段感觉也是说服力不够。
2．语言上感觉句式变化不丰富，大部分都是we。。he。。我也是这个问题，多尝试下变化句型会显得地道些。。
3.我看你文章中提到石油，请问你是学石油的吗？我是学石油的。