09.1.23北美 希望得到更多朋友的指教

old-pipeUID: 2513842

09.1.23北美

Do you think that young people should take several different kinds of job before they take a career in a long term?

Although people's lives have been dramatically changed over the last decades, it must be admitted that, social competition is still the one of the biggest questions that people have to face，because the rapidly economic development by the day. How to deal with this problem? I strongly suggest that it is extremely important to promote people's ability of competition. Especially among the youngsters.

With increasing economic development, more and more young people are beginning to believe that get access to work experience will produce positive effects on their development after graduate from their school, those who have strong desire to learn skills in working to gain higher salary and a better job. For example, the majority of youngsters take a part-time job in spare time, which will not only bring them much necessary money but also can help them to learn sufficient working experiences, which can never get from the textbooks. Obviously, the part-time job contribute directly wide of knowledge to youngsters and play essential role in their future job.

Beside, youngsters who take many of jobs will increasing their ability in competition and get a better understanding of current job markets position, which will promote them devote much more time and energy on their favorable profession work. For example, increasing of young people is interested in fashion design and usually pays much more attention to fashion news. However, may they without enough knowledge and experiences to fulfill a wonderful work so that they have to spend much more energy on how to do perfect works issue. Therefore, they have to learn a large number of knowledge and should be encouraged to independent deal with this problem, which maybe will produce positive effects on their competition ability in these days.

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Finally, we should not neglect that youngsters should pay much more attention to their profession study. We can imagine that extra take working will greatly influence on their studying and lives. From this point of view, in order to acquire more opportunities to a better job and keep a favorable position in future job market, those who necessary and inevitable study knowledge involved in such profession works, so that they are able to use to in job. At the same time, they should be encouraged to take part-time job, for they can not only improve their academic studies, but also gain much experience, which they can be never getting from the textbooks.5 S1 h. @) X1 C+ s6 o

From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw a conclusion that take several kinds of job can produce a far-reaching impact on youngsters and they should be encouraged to take part-time job, which will benefit themselves and their family, even the society as a whole. However, we also should take into account extra work is able to cause them without pay more attention to study and lives.

在贴出一篇，希望得到更多朋友的指教。谢谢。

canoe03UID: 2786666

Although people's lives have been dramatically changed over the last decades, it must be admitted that, social competition is still the one of the biggest questions that people have to face，because the rapidly economic development by the day(此句话无谓语，那么用because of好了). How to deal with this problem? I strongly suggest that it is extremely important to promote people's ability of competition. Especially among the youngsters(同学在这里用的是句号，那么这个句子是不完整的，无主无谓。或者把competition后面改成逗号). (LZ在这里还不提出自己的观点来，急死我了。)

With increasing economic development, more and more young people are beginning to believe that get access to(这里表达不是很好) work experience will produce positive effects(产生效果，貌似不能用produce这个词，请LZ三思) on their development after graduate from their(删掉这个词好了) school, those who have strong desire to learn skills in working to gain higher salary and a better job. (这个句子长，内部的前后关系有点牵强，我知道LZ的意思，改变一些词的用法后这个句子会好看多的) For example, the majority of youngsters take a part-time job in spare time, which will not only bring them much necessary money(这是什么意思呢？) but also can help them to learn(不是learn experience啦，是gain或者obtain) sufficient working experiences, which can never get from the textbooks. Obviously, the part-time job contribute directly wide of knowledge to youngsters and play essential role in their future job.

Beside, youngsters who take many of jobs(many jobs) will increasing their ability in competition and get a better understanding of current job markets position(这三个词放在一起怪怪的), which will promote them devote much more time and energy on their favorable profession work(这个从句是针对position的吗？那怎么会得出这样的结论呢？还有promote them devote和favorable profession work这样说是不对的). For example, increasing of young people is(are) interested in fashion design and usually pays much more attention to fashion news. However, may they without enough knowledge and experiences to fulfill a wonderful work so that they have to spend much more energy on how to do perfect works issue(又看不懂了L) they have to learn a large number of knowledge and should be encouraged to independent(independently) deal with this problem, which maybe will produce positive effects on their competition ability in these days.(此话有问题)


Finally, we should not neglect that youngsters should pay much more attention to their profession study. We can imagine that extra take working will greatly influence on their studying and lives. From this point of view, in order to acquire more opportunities to a better job and keep a favorable position in future job market, those who necessary and inevitable(修饰动词用副词) study knowledge involved in such profession works, so that they are able to use to in job(这句话又没看懂了。。。). At the same time, they should be encouraged to take part-time job, for they can not only improve their academic studies, but also gain much experience, which they can be never getting(这里明显错了，应该是which can never be got from…楼主加强句子的用法) from the textbooks.

From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw a conclusion that take several kinds of job can produce a far-reaching impact on youngsters and they should be encouraged to take part-time job, which will benefit themselves and their family, even the society as a whole. However, we also should take into account extra work is able to cause them without pay more attention to study and lives(cause them paying less attention to study and lives).


LZ没有写5.11号的作文，这篇好像是13号的。那我就先改了好了。不过最好还是写当天的作文。
LZ这篇作文的字数还是蛮多的。但是其中的问题也很多。一是用词比较生硬，也不大准确；二是楼主句子的结构不大合理，很多地方让人摸不着头脑，特别是该用句号逗号的地方用错了；三是楼主有可能偏题了，题目是说在人们准备长期从事一个职位之前，应该做些不通的工作吗？LZ花了很多事件论述年轻人从事业余工作的问题。还有，LZ一开始也没有说明你到底同不同意题目的观点，却提出增加人们的能力问题，这是不合题意的。建议楼主好好改改这篇作文。
本人能力有限，若有说的不是的地方，请谅解！

boulder-birdUID: 2777817

第一段貌似问题严重，有些跑题，本人也是菜鸟，只能简单评论下。