第一篇ISSUE130. 自我感觉非常不好 请大家严厉指导

fannihuangUID: 2801270

我个人觉得这篇写的很失败，所以心情非常低落。现在为了要能够取得进步，放上来请大家帮我指点出所有的问题，不管是逻辑还是描述。谢谢大家。

The term socialize means provide the individual with the skills and habits necessary for participating within their own society. The speaker’s claim, that how children are socialized today decides the destiny of society, is overstated. And I found the other claim of the speaker that we haven’t learned how to raise children to build a better society is supported by inefficient evidence.
First, I agree that the socialization is one important factor for teaching an individual to contribute to the society, which is the process for children to get knowledge about society in order to survive. In other words, without this process most children will not grow up into adults who can help build the society. For example, in 1920 Dr. Smith found 2 girls in India, who was raised up by wolves. Because they had been living in wolves’ group for years, they couldn’t use their legs to walk erectly; they couldn’t speak language and they couldn’t think with their brains. In order to restore their humanity Dr. Smith tried to teach them to talk, to communicate. However they are both dead after 1 year. It shows that children’s socialization is very likely to determine how the children will behave in the society. Without this process, there’s a big possibility that the children won’t even survive.
Even if all the children in the world will have this process, my question is does well-socialized necessarily lead to better society? Will a person who is well socialized contribute to the society definitely? Take Chinese student Ma Jiajue’s case as an example. He was a well-socialized person. As a well-educated student, he had earned his hometown’s respect for being admitted to one of the most famous university in China, despite the fact that his family had no money to support his further education. He had said to his classmates that he wanted to show his talents to the society, and make a contribution to his loving motherland, China. However, on Feb 23th 2004, he killed all his roommates only because they have angered him during a poker game. After his execution the psychologist in China found that his behavior was related to the fact that his family was poor. This example demonstrates that it is the comprehensive function of many factors that determine the society’s destiny. The other factors involve family influence, education, self characters. Only by developing well in all the aspects can determine that the person will be contributive to the society.
Is it true that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? If we define “a better society” as a society in which people can better tolerant other’s viewpoints and behaviors, in order to reach harmony, then I believe that in the past centuries we have learned the way to raise children to build a better society. The uprising statue of women in society, the attention gradually given to environmental protection, and the increasing sensitivity in social problems like health, food, house security, all these phenomenon have proved that people are moving towards this harmonious society. The only problem is that we are not doing enough. Also, because competitive tension has been rising, many parents are eager to provide their children with best way to survive in the society. They unreasonably arrange a lot of after-class plans for children, which may only reduce children’s passion for learning and communicating. Parents should realize the best way of raising children to be not only successful as an individual, but also successful as a member of the society.
In conclusion, as I have demonstrated, the destiny of society is not only decided by how the future generation is socialized, but also by other factors which have influence on children’s development. In this process, parents play an important role by giving the children the right direction during socialization, and realizing the right way to raise children towards a contributive person for the society.

ethan9096UID: 2785326

The term socialize means是否应该加上一个to 呢？ provide the individual with the skills and habits necessary for participating within their own society. The speaker’s claim, that how children are socialized today decides笔误哦 the destiny of society, is overstated. And I found the other claim of the speaker that we haven’t learned how to raise children to build a better society is supported by inefficient evidence.个人觉得这开头没有很明确的表达你的观点， fail to 吸引注意力了·
First, I agree that the socialization is one important factor for teaching an individual to contribute to the society, which is the process for children to get knowledge about society in order to survive. In other words, without this process most children will not grow up into adults who can help build the society. For example, in 1920 Dr. Smith found 2 girls in India, who was raised up by wolves. Because they had been living in wolves’ group for years, they couldn’t use their legs to walk erectly; they couldn’t speak language and they couldn’t think with their brains. In order to restore their humanity Dr. Smith tried to teach them to talk, to communicate. However they are both dead after 1 year.总觉得这个例子对于说明你的这个论点有点不够精准，不过此例还是从一定方面上说明了“社会化”对于提高技能和知识的必要性，但是我觉得应该举一个例子是那个小孩生活在正常的环境中，而没有受到这种教育，最后产生了什么后果，这样就更加贴近生活了 It shows that children’s socialization is very likely to determine how the children will behave in the society. Without this process, there’s a big possibility that the children won’t even survive.
Even if all the children in the world will have this process, my question is does well-socialized necessarily lead to better society? 这个提问有点问题，按你的语气好像 社会化 是 不必要的了"necessarily"，它是必要的，担不是充分的条件，所以你的提问应该 是 单单强调社会化不一定能够有一个美好的未来社会Will a person who is well socialized contribute to the society definitely? Take Chinese student Ma Jiajue’s case as an example. He was a well-socialized person.其实我觉得他不是一个很有交际能量的人，他因为自卑一直都比较的内向，还很好强，处理人际关系很是极端···呵呵，多说了 As a well-educated student, he had earned his hometown’s respect for being admitted to one of the most famous university in China, despite the fact that his family had no money to support his further education. He had said to his classmates that he wanted to show his talents to the society, and make a contribution to his loving motherland, China. However, on Feb 23th 2004, 感觉你这个例子说的太详细了，有点不必要哦···he killed all his roommates only because they have angered him during a poker game. After his execution the psychologist in China found that his behavior was related to the fact that his family was poor. This example demonstrates that it is the comprehensive function of many factors that determine the society’s destiny. The other factors involve family influence, education, self characters. Only by developing well in all the aspects can determine that 这句话看的怎么好纠结啊the person will be contributive to the society.第二段还是达到了论证的目的了，不过还要继续加油哦···
Is it true that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? If we define “a better society” as a society in which people can better tolerant other’s viewpoints and behaviors, in order to reach harmony, then I believe that in the past centuries we have learned the way to raise children to build a better society. The uprising statue of women in society, the attention gradually given to environmental protection, and the increasing sensitivity in social problems like health, food, house security, all these phenomenon have proved that people are moving towards this harmonious society. The only problem is that we are not doing enough. Also, because competitive tension has been rising, many parents are eager to provide their children with best way to survive in the society. They unreasonably arrange a lot of after-class plans for children, which may only reduce children’s passion for learning and communicating. Parents should realize the best way of raising children to be not only successful as an individual, but also successful as a member of the society.还真不晓得用什么词语来说这一段，但是一个很明确，你的论证没有很强烈的说服我···你自己再仔细看看能不能很坚定的说服你自己，要主观写哦···呵呵
In conclusion, as I have demonstrated, the destiny of society is not only decided by how the future generation is socialized, but also by other factors which have influence on children’s development. In this process, parents play an important role by giving the children the right direction during socialization, and realizing the right way to raise children towards a contributive person for the society.似乎你的结论有点强调parents的重要性，但是你的正文好像没有强调哦，你只是一笔带过的。  

还有要说的就是，整片文章中，具有醒目的逻辑连接词你用的很少，这样不利于读者理清你的文章的逻辑思路
PS：貌似我都过于苛求了，不过你如果这是出写的话，那就已经是很值得夸奖的啦，真的很不错的，继续加油！！！！(*^__^*) 嘻嘻

flearUID: 2533174

这年头怎么都喜欢上来就挑战130