远远在笑的作文贴~

高小鱼UID：2714619

To Siehaha我的贴不就在你的楼下（478楼）么...
再贴一次：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1126930-1-1.html

远远在笑UID：2742022

45# siehaha
谢谢修改！你的词汇用的很好，向你学习!

高小鱼UID：2714619

上传附件是不是有寄托币的要求，我在回帖框中没有找到“上传附件”的地方啊，将就着看看...

Nowadays, many parents concern the environment of their children’s rooms. Mostly, this is because of the statement that students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be more likely to succeed than students who do not. For me, I totally disagree with this statement. I think there are many factors for the students who can’t keep their rooms organized and maybe they are more likely to reach success [这个结论不好下…].
First, the reason that the students can’t make their rooms neat may be that they are so busy studying knowledge (with their academic work同意Kate意见)that they don’t have enough time and extra energy to keep their room clean. One of my classmates, Lee, is such a person. He is one of the top students in my class. He once told me that he seldom pay attention on (to )keeping his room clean because he just don’t care about it. [He had a all his books piled around his desk because he could get them as soon as he wanted to. After reading so many books he always felt tired and went straight to his bed regardless of the books (left) on the floor][这两句话想表达的是两个原因（喜欢把书一起推在桌上因为方面取阅，以及太累了没有时间整理）还是一个原因（太累了没有时间整理）。应该后者更符合逻辑吧？感觉这里逻辑不是很清晰…]. So, maybe one is too busy and hard-wording to keep his or her room neat.
What’s more, the scale of one’s room is also a limitation for one to keep the room organized when one[这里可以改成he/she，太多one了。。。] has too many things in the room[这句话没怎么说清楚啊]. My uncle, who is now a successful businessman, used to be a very poor student. He had to put all his clothes and his school things----- books, stationeries and schoolbag----- in a tiny room. Since he couldn’t afford a big room, he always slept in a bed surrounded by countless books. [It was the tough circumstance(living conditions) that stipulate him to the significant breakthroughs in his career][这句话的因果关系可以写地更清楚一点，应该是想说，因为uncle想要改善居住环境，所以他发奋图强，最终取得成功…是吧？]. So, one’s [substantial limitation][what limitation?] can be one factor leading to a poorly organized room.[这段话总体没有前面一段好，逻辑不太清晰，搂主可能需要再elaborate一下]
So, taking both of the factors mentioned above into account, I totally disagree with the statement that students who can’t keep their rooms neat and organized will be less likely to succeed than students who do not. ( it is not the least relevant to draw such a conclusion that somehow linked one’s room with their success. )

高小鱼UID：2714619

远远在笑同学，我看了你的批改，说得很中肯哦，连接性不强是我的老毛病呢。ETS也这么说我（我之前考过...虽然是2个good，但W部分只有25分...)，下面是ETS对Independent部分的评价，贴上来献一下丑：

You responded with a well-organized and developed essay. Weaknesses, if you have any, might have to do with
•        use of English that is occasionally ungrammatical, unclear, or unidiomatic and/or
•        elaboration of ideas or connection of ideas that could have been stronger.

远远在笑UID：2742022

49# 高小鱼
谢谢！
的确有许多词句还要斟酌的，这篇文章我还要好好研究一下！谢谢批改！