麻烦大家帮我看看作文 谢谢啊

wcxing369UID: 2245903

Nowadays, increasing attention has been paid to the debate that weather government should fulfill its responsibility in paying for health care and education. Some people are arguing that financial aids for health care and education are one of government’s basic functions, while others strongly against it. As it seems to me, government should not be absent in offering welfare for health care and education.
Firstly, offering aid for health care and education can bring benefit to harmony and stability of a society. As we all known, addressing the basic needs of citizen is of great importance for a harmonious society, while hankering for fitness and knowledge are parts of fundamental needs of human beings, financial supports from governments focusing on such needs are likely to play a crucial role for the society.
Also, financial aids, aiming at health care and education, are beneficial for personal development. Apparently, such supports are likely to alleviate individual burdens, which can keep people’s minds on working and making personal progressions. Once the government failed to offer such welfare, individual progressions will be bogged, since people are exhausted by financial burdens origining from such basic but crucial needs.
Admittedly, prosperity of different nations varied enormously, thus it is imprudent to ask every government to offer the same degree and extent of financial supports, however, national boundaries, with the development of cooperation between countries, are not likely to prevent governments from offering security for basic human needs such as health care and education.
To sum up, there are good reasons for governments offering financial aids aiming at health care and education, and with cooperation between countries all around the world, human beings will get more complete financial supports for health care and education.

angelwypUID: 2803734

还可以吧。。。6。。。adimittedly最好先写。。。这样转折自然不会头重脚轻。。。结尾不to sum up这是小作文才写的，，，大作文这样不够正式、、、另外虽然话题很严肃可是缺少事例，，，会很死的。。。也会很空泛
还有因为模仿模板的人太多。。。个人建议开头不要用debate   这个词大家都用。。。外国人讨厌模板。。。你这样的开头很容易让考官觉得你套句，，，，所以建议换一个。。。另外词汇不错，，，要保持。。。语法也挺好。。。。多样性也有。。。自然是王道，，，，楼主要加油。。。祝好成绩

jerryzhongshanUID: 2815324

As we all known--语病
Also--这个放句首有点奇怪
origining-originating？
prosperity of different nations varied enormously----这个句子重心不稳，读起来拗口
offering security for basic human needs such as health care and education.---我觉得你想说的是offering basic human needs

作者喜欢用动名词做主语，但是不要集中在一个段落里面，会给人觉得句式单调的感觉
用词还可以慢慢斟酌。
总的来说很不错~加油

ramesesUID: 2515812

that weather应改为whether吧
are arguing我感觉不如hold
感觉要写深入可以提及社会财富的再次分配，社会资源分布不均，贫富差距等等。
我的建议，感觉我要是写，可能还不一定能写这么好

fengchi860602UID: 2678278

有点死板……