老胡的作文帖子~！~！~！~！

whhckUID: 2604077

Lands for human needs or for endangered animals


The industry revolution happened in the history has brought about enormous material benefits to our daily life, as well as a greater demand for resources such as ores, energy and lands. To meet with the demand of the rapid development, an increasing amount of lands which previously served as natural habitats for wild animals are now reclaimed to serve the need of human. After a profound meditation, I found something controversial in this process.

It has been a long time before human beings came to the realization that the natural environment is based on a delicate balance for which all organisms are more or less responsible. In the 18th century, the general has witnessed the deprivation of the habitats of animals, as well as its consequences during the revolution of industry---many species became extinct forever, leaving a huge depression for our next generation wondering the beauty of them.

Just as what’s discussed above, the fragile balance is based on every species. In other words, organisms ranging from the tiniest microbe to the blue whale are linked by a intangible bond--- the so called food chain. If one joint of the chain destroyed, the link will vanish, at that time, human will inevitably be the victims of what we’ve done to the animals. Therefore, there’s no reason exert the
constrain of land on endangered animals sacrifice ourselves.

Still, the perception that human beings’ need for the lands far outweigh that of the animals reaches it popularity among a majority of us since the benefits brought by the appropriate use of the land are irresistible. It’s time to wake up! The extinct species and the negative consequences happened in history has told us to stay conscious and resist the temptations of the short term benefits in order to enjoy a long-lasting and sustainable development.
      

zenglingyuanUID: 2773905

不知道怎么说好 可能是我水平太低了 我觉得读起累人 感觉太最求句型转换和词汇的复杂 缺少细节 开头个结尾不用叙述那么多背景 直接插入主题就好  

当然以上纯属个人意见 可能是风格不同:lol

zenglingyuanUID: 2773905

恩 谢谢 其实我的弱项就是长句 我的句型有点混乱 还基本功不杂实

KeeeeenWUID: 2592937

修改请见附件

peggy890UID: 2812709

Lands for human needs or for endangered animals7
'The industry revolution happened in the history has brought about enormous material benefits to our daily life, as well as a greater demand for resources such as ores, energy and lands（这三个举例不大准确，可以换成petro, coal and land resources for building factory）. To meet with the demand of the rapid development, an increasing amount of lands which previously served as natural habitats for wild animals are now reclaimed to serve the need of human. (这个地方把两方观点都陈述一下，在过渡到你更流畅些)After a profound meditation, I found something controversial in this process., x! q: `% n, O* w+ |( L
; l2 J/ P& k& t8 B, c+ m
It has been a long time before human beings came to the realization that the natural environment is based on a delicate balance for which all organisms are more or less responsible.（主题句最好简明扼要点哦~） In the 18th century, the general has witnessed the deprivation of the habitats of animals, as well as its consequences during the revolution of industry---many species became extinct forever, leaving a huge depression for our next generation wondering the beauty of them." k/ h1 Z2 E2 }" s8 \/ L

Just as what’s discussed above, the fragile balance (加上of naturey要specific些) is based on every species. In other words, organisms ranging from the tiniest microbe to the blue whale are linked by a intangible bond--- the so called the food chain. If one joint of the chain destroyed, the link will vanish, at that time, human will inevitably be the victims of what we’ve done to the animals. Therefore, there’s no reason exert the constrain of land on endangered animals sacrifice ourselves.
Still, the perception that human beings’ need for the lands far outweigh that of the animals reaches it popularity among a majority of us since the benefits brought by the appropriate use of the land are irresistible. It’s time to wake up! The extinct species and the negative consequences happened in history has told us to stay conscious and resist the temptations of the short term benefits in order to enjoy a long-lasting and sustainable development.
最后一段建议你不要加入论点，直接把论点和呼吁性的文字分开，条理更好些。而是论证不在多，而在于逻辑性和细节的展示。
个人意见，仅供参考哦~

whhckUID: 2604077

Students would receive a better, effective education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months of a year.

Should students receive an extended education?

        A statement has been raised that student are supposed to receive an extended education(amounts to 11 months of a year) in order to achieve a better and effective edification. Considering the major mission of the education, I find it ridiculous to force students to follow this instruction.
        It’s undeniable that a majority of students live in campus, that means they have to endure the emotional and physical separation from their familiar families and accomplish their academic goal without the necessary supervision from their family members. If this situation lasts for a long time, the consequence will turn out to be severe. It is a common scene in Chinese university that a growing number of freshmen couldn’t withstand the homesick and become emotionally isolated or even get psychological illness. Far too often do we see the case that a student turn to video games such as World of Warcraft to search a virtual comfort which they can’t obtain in real life.
        In terms of education, the occupation of their vocations can’t be considered a effective measure for their versatilities. Human minds are not designed to take extensively repeated work, let alone continuous study. So we are hoped to take part-time jobs as complement, which benefits student from the development of their sense of independence and social skills such as communication and cooperation. What’s more, the extended education may deprive students of their limited opportunities to enrich their experience.  For instance, Shanghai has won the responsibility to hold the 2010 World Expo, which is a good chance for students to learn the cultures and arts all over the world. Therefore, it would be a tremendous loss if the presence of class prevent them from enjoying this world wide party.
        The extended education lies an enormous emphasis on the quantity rather than the quality, what is neglected is the efficiency. For example, I used to spend a whole day in the dorm quietly reading my math books for the coming final exams without a halt. With the inefficiency, I find my self sitting still while doing nothing. Undoubtedly, the same goes for a 11 months’ edification.
        In short, considering the final aim of education is to develop students’ academic abilities, we shouldn’t congest ourselves just with the satisfaction of the quantity of classes gained in one year at the expense of their versatility.

whhckUID: 2604077

7月8号作文帖子
Students would receive a better, effective education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months of a year.

Should students receive an extended education?

        A statement has been raised that student are supposed to receive an extended education(amounts to 11 months of a year) in order to achieve a better and effective edification. Considering the major mission of the education, I find it ridiculous to force students to follow this instruction.
        It's undeniable that a majority of students live in campus, that means they have to endure the emotional and physical separation from their familiar families and accomplish their academic goal without the necessary supervision from their family members. If this situation lasts for a long time, the consequence will turn out to be severe. It is a common scene in Chinese university that a growing number of freshmen couldn't withstand the homesick and become emotionally isolated or even get psychological illness. Far too often do we see the case that a student turn to video games such as World of Warcraft to search a virtual comfort which they can't obtain in real life.
        In terms of education, the occupation of their vocations can't be considered a effective measure for their versatilities. Human minds are not designed to take extensively repeated work, let alone continuous study. So we are hoped to take part-time jobs as complement, which benefits student from the development of their sense of independence and social skills such as communication and cooperation. What's more, the extended education may deprive students of their limited opportunities to enrich their experience.  For instance, Shanghai has won the responsibility to hold the 2010 World Expo, which is a good chance for students to learn the cultures and arts all over the world. Therefore, it would be a tremendous loss if the presence of class prevent them from enjoying this world wide party.
        The extended education lies an enormous emphasis on the quantity rather than the quality, what is neglected is the efficiency. For example, I used to spend a whole day in the dorm quietly reading my math books for the coming final exams without a halt. With the inefficiency, I find my self sitting still while doing nothing. Undoubtedly, the same goes for a 11 months' edification.
        In short, considering the final aim of education is to develop students' academic abilities, we shouldn't congest ourselves just with the satisfaction of the quantity of classes gained in one year at the expense of their versatility.
感谢楼上两位的意见~加油

zenglingyuanUID: 2773905

A statement has been raised that student are supposed to receive an extended education(amounts to 11 months of a year) in order to achieve a better and effective edification. Considering the major mission of the education,I find it ridiculous to force students to follow this instruction.   结论观点结合的好
  It's undeniable that a majority of students live in campus, that [color=DeepSkyBlue(去掉means they have to endure the emotional and physical separation from their familiar families （and 换成for用因果逻辑） accomplishing their academic goal without the necessary supervision from their family members. If this situation lasts for a long time, the consequence will turn out to be severe. It is a common scene in Chinese university that a growing number of freshmen couldn't withstand the homesick and become emotionally isolated or even get psychological illness. Far too often do we see 没看懂the case that a student turn to video games such as World of Warcraft to search a virtual comfort which they can't obtain in real life.(这个例子举的好）
    In terms of education, the occupation of their vocations can't be considered a effective measure for their versatilities. Human minds are not designed to take extensively repeated work, let alone continuous study. So we are hoped to take part-time jobs as complement, which benefits student from （A benefit from B)the development of their sense of independence and social skills such as communication and cooperation. What's more, the extended education may deprive students of their (student"s 就好）limited opportunities to enrich their experience.  For instance, Shanghai has won the responsibility to hold the 2010 World Expo, which is a good chance for students to learn the cultures and arts all over the world. Therefore, it would be a tremendous loss if the presence of class prevent them from enjoying this world wide party.例子不错
"     The extended education lies an enormous emphasis on the quantity rather than the quality, what is neglected is the efficiency. For example, I used to spend a whole day in the dorm quietly reading my math books for the coming final exams without a halt. With the inefficiency, I find my self sitting still while doing nothing. Undoubtedly, the same goes for a 11 months' edification.
        In short, considering the final aim of education is to develop students' academic abilities, we shouldn't congest ourselves just with the satisfaction of the quantity of classes gained in one year at the expense of their versatility.
写得好 这次每段结构清晰 句型变化丰富 例子也举的很好 大的结构来看没什么问题

whhckUID: 2604077

感谢大家的指正，希望大家更用力的拍~

yandong1208UID: 2798280

Students would receive a better, effective education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months of a year. Should students receive an extended education?

A statement has been raised that student are supposed to receive an extended education(amounts to 11 months of a year) in order to achieve a better and effective edification. Considering the major mission of the education, I find it ridiculous to force students to follow this instruction.(既然这里提到了major mission,那么下一段围绕major mission来讲会更有逻辑一些。)

It's undeniable that a majority of students live in campus, that(直接把that加在逗号后面代指前一件事在语法上不对呢~~换成 and this试试~) means they have to endure the emotional and physical separation from their familiar families and accomplish their academic goal without the necessary supervision from their family members. If this situation lasts for a long time, the consequence will turn out to be severe. It is a common scene in Chinese university that a growing number of freshmen couldn't withstand the homesick and become emotionally isolated or even get psychological illness. Far too often do we see (不大懂..)the case that a student turns to video games such as World of Warcraft to search a virtual comfort which they can't obtain in real life. (这一段好像是讲学生lack supervision的，下一段如果加上一个however来表示转折的关系，两端之间所阐述的会更容易理解)

In terms of education, the occupation of their vocations can't be considered an effective measure for their versatilities. Human minds are not designed to take extensively repeated work, let alone continuous study. So we are hoped(明白你想表达什么，但是用被动感觉很奇怪..) to take part-time jobs as complement, which benefits(benifit) student from the development of their sense of independence and social skills such as communication and cooperation. What's more, the extended education may deprive students of their limited opportunities to enrich their experience. For instance, Shanghai has won the responsibility to hold the 2010 World Expo, which is a good chance for students to learn the cultures and arts all over the world. Therefore, it would be a tremendous loss if the presence of class prevent them from enjoying this world wide party.(其实我觉得下一段和education联系更大一些，如果两端位置改一下，这段开头改成apart from study之类的话，逻辑更为清晰)

The extended education lies an enormous emphasis on the quantity rather than the quality, what is neglected is the efficiency(两个句子不可以直接用逗号连接，中间加个and什么的连词吧~). For example, I used to spend a whole day in the dorm quietly reading my math books for the coming final exams without a halt. With the inefficiency, I find my self sitting still while doing nothing. Undoubtedly, the same goes for a 11 months' edification.

In short, considering the final aim of education is to develop students' academic abilities, we shouldn't congest ourselves just with the satisfaction of the quantity of classes gained in one year at the expense of their versatility.


总的来说很不错的，内容挺丰富。有一些句子和例子写得很漂亮。
在细节，如单复数；和逻辑，段与段的衔接等方面再注意注意。

楼主加油，记得帮我批改作文哦。=]

zenglingyuanUID: 2773905

It is in vain,if a student cannot apply thier konwledge into life.and It is also esstential that try to connect to the society,which must be a priceless treasure in thrie future.if anyone need to be able to konw more about the society for sxhooling and study,it is a student.
请长句帝帮忙修改

whhckUID: 2604077

10# yandong1208
非常感谢你的指点，逻辑和观点展开一直是我的弱点，不知你是怎么训练的？

whhckUID: 2604077

11# zenglingyuan
你的句子要表达的观点是：
1.学以致用是一笔无价的财富（正）
2.若不学以致用，学也枉然（反）

The ability of applying the acquired knowledge to the practise is an invaluable asset. However, the isolation between them (knowledge and practise) makes all your efforts turn out to be in vain.(也可以王学习上引)

layla1989UID: 2832481

      A statement has been raised that student are supposed to receive an extended education(amounts to 11 months of a year) in order to achieve a better and effective edification. Considering the major mission of the education, I find it ridiculous to force students to follow this instruction（开头很喜欢，语言简练，观点明确）.+ ^6 L% I- f% t8 O$ T# ]! X7 j* a9 U
        It’s undeniable that a majority of students live in campus, that （不能指代前一句话，可以在这里断句，然后such situation means……）means they have to endure the emotional and physical separation from their familiar families and accomplish their academic goal without the necessary supervision from their family members. If this situation lasts for a long time, the consequence will turn out to be severe. It is a common scene in Chinese university that a growing number of freshmen couldn’t withstand the homesick and become emotionally isolated or even get psychological illness. Far too often do we see the case that a student turn to video games such as World of Warcraft to search a virtual comfort which they can’t obtain in real life.（这段的理由有点牵强） 4 ~# x& B5 l% I+ T
        In terms of education, the occupation of their vocations can’t be considered a effective measure for their versatilities. Human minds are not designed to take extensively repeated work, let alone continuous study. So we(代词转换很突兀) are hoped to take part-time jobs as complement, which benefits students from the development of their sense of independence and social skills such as communication and cooperation. What’s more, the extended education may deprive students of their limited opportunities to enrich their experience.  For instance, Shanghai has won the responsibility to hold the 2010 World Expo, which is a good chance for students to learn the cultures and arts all over the world. Therefore, it would be a tremendous loss if the presence of class prevent them from enjoying this world wide party.
      The extended education lies an enormous emphasis on the quantity rather than the quality, what is neglected is the efficiency. For example, I used to spend a whole day in the dorm quietly reading my math books for the coming final exams without a halt. With the inefficiency, I find my self sitting still while doing nothing. Undoubtedly, the same goes for a 11 months’ edification. 8 [  w0 f- O1 f7 K* {- F
        In short, considering the final aim of education is to develop students’ academic abilities, we shouldn’t congest ourselves just with the satisfaction of the quantity of classes gained in one year at the expense of their versatility.
总的来说楼主的作文挺不错的，语言很连贯，用词恰当且多变，世博那个例子举得很合适。有个别地方有语法错误。比我强好多，唉~~~，没能给出什么有用的意见很惭愧。楼主加油，语言上我觉得已经没啥问题了，如果能在论点上能更切题，作文肯定会更精进的。

whhckUID: 2604077

14# layla1989

谢谢您的指正，that means 的巨型我常用，这么严重的错误还好被挑出来了，
超赞！~:lol
另外，我的分词是不是常常用错？
能不能在具体一点？
总之，谢谢楼上，我也会去帮你改作文的。
共同进步！