重写Issue48。望猛拍

NobitauUID: 2839232

介于上次的文章写的确实太烂了，就重新写了一次，可能还是有很多问题，所以，猛拍吧

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."


There were so many significant events and trends in history. Those would be made impossible without groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten. However, events and trends would not be developed, even not to appear in history, if there was a lack of the famous few. So, the researchers can analyse of origin and aims of evens in history by pay more attention to famous individuals.

First of all, people’s energy is limited, people always do something which are important the same as study of history. For example the Civil War, the groups of people whose entered a war for saved slave were heroes. Why people attach importance to Lincoln? Because the northern army which stood for abolish slavery were not going to win without him. The northern army was in position inferiority at first, then Lincoln enacted a series of laws, such abolish slavery, and the slave who had been saved could take part in national army. This law had enhanced the activity of slaves and weakened the enemy, thus the northern army could got the final victory. Lincoln was a key man who liberated bondsman and made the righteous army won, accordingly people pay more attention to him when they study this event in history. There were so many groups of people join the war and people will be deficient in energy, if they emphasis on everybody. Such as a novel, the protagonist will be paid more attention by reader.

On the other hand, some incidents in history would happen impossible without a few famous people. For instance, the Second World War people always study Hitler, because he has been considered the main sponsor of World War II. People can know something about origin and aim of the war by him. Because of the economic crisis Hitler started the war, and his aim was recaptured the territory which they lost in the First World War. Just think whether the war would be broke out sans Hitler? The same as most of incident in history had a main sponsor, whoever was leader was going to be paid attention. Moreover, the famous individual had deep effect to people. Such “Marxism” that have became a trend in history until today almost every politician and leader should study it before, even students are arranged the course in school. Now that it was called “Marxism” of course people will pay more attention to Marx at the same time they study it.

The reason why people pay more attention to the famous few is that the famous individual acted the important and key role in the incident of history. It seems like a vocal concert, if lack the one of these: stage, light, sound etc. the vocal concert will not success, but if the singer absence this show, the show will be postponed or be canceled even if there is best equipment. The groups of people to be equivalent to equipment, and famous people to singer, merely they were stood in the stage of history.

In sum, I disagree with the speaker’s claim. The famous few led the events of history though they could not without help by a group of people. So study of history place no too much emphasis on individual. They only study content of history which should be researched.

lingli_xiaoaiUID: 172506

zhanwei~~
总的来说，这篇的逻辑除了部分内容以外，是比较明确的，这个很好。需要注意的还是随时关注自己的论证中心，例子一定要充分支持观点。
然后就是平时修改的时候 把treasure翻开，看看英文报纸，各种你经常用的用法怎么表达。积累一点简单的句型变化。

lingli_xiaoaiUID: 172506

There were so many significant events and trends in history. Those would be made impossible without groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten. However, events and trends would not be developed, even not to appear in history, if there was a lack of the famous few. So, the researchers can analyse of origin and aims of events in history by paypaying more attention to famous individuals.

First of all, people’s energy is limited, . people always do something which are important the same as study of history. in order to make most out of limited time and resources, people tends to set up priorities when doing things  which put the most important thing first, same as the history study which focused on xxx instead of xxx你原来的句子比较口语化，信息量比较小，TS一般是一个信息量相对丰富的句子，还有energy本身含义比较局限，放在这里就不是最好的词汇。 For example the Civil War, the groups of people whose who entered athe warfight for the freedom of slaves for saved slave were also heroes compared with the leader xxx but . Why people attach importance to Lincoln why history study focused on Lincoln instead of groups of people? Because the northern army which stood for abolish slavery were not going to win without him. The northern army was in position inferiority at first, then Lincoln enacted a series of laws, such as abolish slavery,such as以后的词语要是并列关系，和abolish slavery 并列的话，后面的句子最好是，allow freed slaves to join the national army as white citizens,像你那样写就不是很好。而且你such as之前是law，所以不能直接跟verb+n的短语，这个也要改，不过我就不改了。  and the slave who had been saved could take part in national army. This law had enhanced the activity of slaves –consider revision and weakened the enemy, which considered as indispensable measure to take to ensure the victory at that time.我该这个主要是因为所以的句型出现得太多，而且前面是说law，后面就说所以了，逻辑上也不是很严密 thus the northern army could got the final victory. Lincoln was a key man who liberated bondsman and made the righteous army won, accordingly people pay more attention to him when they study this event in history. good point ，也总结了全文，但是put more attention 也用了很多次了，想想有没有别的词 There were so many groups of people which join the war and people will be deficient in energy, if they emphasis on everybody. Such as a novel, the protagonist will be paid more attention by reader.这句话出现的地点比较诡异

On the other hand, some incidents in history would happen impossible 这个表达很奇怪without a few famous people. For instance, the Second World War people always study Hitler, because he has been considered the main sponsor？initiator  of World War II. People can know something about origin and aim of the war by him through him…general public will have a better idea of ….. 同样也是句子变化问题，不要老是people如何如何单调了. Because of the economic crisis Hitler started the war这个句子完全应该用主动语态，hitlerxxx 对应后面的his aim, and his aim was recaptured the territory which they lost in the First World War. Just think whether the war would be broke out sans Hitler? The same as most of incident in history had a main sponsor, whoever was leader was going to be paid attention to. Moreover, the famous individual had deep effect to people. Such “Marxism” that have became a trend in history until today almost every politician and leader should study it before, even students are arranged the course不了解这个词汇的意思in school. Now that it was called “Marxism” of course people will pay more attention to Marx at the same time they study it. 看完这段以后，前一个例子还算ok，后面马克思这个例子本身有点问题。尤其是你用了should study之类的，但是没有提供为什么should study，很有一种强迫的味道。好像它的effect就是因为开了课。另外马克思主义是哲学理论，历史研究去研究马克思，必然不是马克思的理论，想想你的历史课和政治课的区别。而是他什么时候出生，什么时候死，重大的历史事件。跟恩格斯有没有JQ之类的。所以你的论证还需要再思考一下。
你可以说很多科学家，理论家，比如xxx，他们的贡献就是自己的智慧，成就完全由自己做出。所以对于技术，思想，哲学的历史研究当然是focus在individual 身上。这个意思一句话就可以说完。
The reason why people pay more attention to the famous few is that the famous individual acted the important and key role in the incident of history. It seems like a vocal concert, if lack the one of these: stage, light, sound etc. the vocal concert will not success, but if the singer absence this show, the show will be postponed or be canceled even if there is best equipment. The groups of people to be equivalent to equipment, and famous people to singer, merely they were stood in the stage of history. 这个比喻不错。
In sum, I disagree with the speaker’s claim. The famous few led the events of history though they could not without help by a group of people. So study of history place no too much emphasis on individual. They only study content of history which should be researched.最后一句话比较over了。你可以用缓和一点的语气说这个问题。就是在现有的条件下，这是optimal option，feasible and efficient。不然你一棒子打死了，就是说现在历史没研究过的，都是不值得研究的。这句话可能会让rater觉得你很自负

NobitauUID: 2839232

There were so many significant events and trends in history. Those would be made impossible without groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten. However, events and trends would not be  ...
lingli_xiaoai 发表于 2010-7-17 22:03

谢谢小哀大师再次耐心的修改，我会注意我所出现的问题：句子和用词很单调，语法错误，还有逻辑问题...
再次谢谢，你真是好人(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……

lingli_xiaoaiUID: 172506

好吧你给我发的好人卡我接受仂。。。好好复习。。考好了来分享经验造福后人就行了~

NobitauUID: 2839232

5# lingli_xiaoai
嗯，一定的，多亏有你的帮助