第一篇issue，I130

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

第一篇，作文，话说写了好长时间，谢谢啦~~
ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."


Is it true that the socialization of children determines the destiny of society,and we have not learned how to raise children that can help bring about a better society,just like what the speaker asserts?To some extent the speaker overstates socialization's comparative significance,and the claim that we have not learned is poorly supported by the empirical evidence.I tend to disagree with both aspects of the dual claim.


Consider the first assertion that how children are socialized determines the destiny of socitey.Turning first to the socialization,how to define the socialization?Socialization refers to the process of inheriting norms,customs and ideologies.The socialization of children means they inherit the norms and customs of society and culture.It has been widely accepted that the norms or customs will be changed with the development of society.The norm of society in one's childhood may be very different from that in one's adulthood.In the past decades, with the rapid development of economy,the norm of chinese society has changed a lot.Thirty years ago,young lovers would be arrested if they were strolling hand in hand in public.In contrast, nowadays,we could always see lovers kissing in the park.To some extent,socialization of children may not determinse the destiny of society,since the norm or custom could change years later.


Turning next to the factors that determines the destiny of society.Not only the socialization of children is the key factor influencing the desitiny of society,but the experience one has experienced in later life is.Consider  Mandela,an anti-apartheid activist,who was the first South African president to be elected in a fully representative democratic election in 1994.Since his release in 1990 from more than twenty years of imprisonment,Mandela has been one of most revered person in the world.Mandela once said,"Prison itself is a tremendous education in the need for patience and perseverance".Prison taught Mandela the patience and perseverance.Mandela's experience of imprisonment contributed to a better society.


Consider the speaker's second assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.How to define the "better" society?Better society,however,could means that greater respect for individual rights,greater cooperation across cultural and national boundaries and everyone has a desirable life.From this definition of better society,we could see that in the past decades,children had help bring about a better society.For instance,though many people are still sufffering from poverty,the number of rural people in absolute poverty had declined significantly,especiallly in China and India.Consider another example.In 1980s,the former Soviet Union and the U.S. both built a great number of nuclear weapons,in order to destroy the other and preserve themselves in next world war.In contrast,nowadays the Russian and the U.S. have worked collaboratively to decline the number of nuclear weapons, in order to ensure the peace of world.In short,the speaker's second claim,which we have not learned how to raise children that bring about a better society, flies in the face of the empirical evidence.


To sum up,the speaker overstates the  socialization's comparative significance,for the norms may change as the time goes on and other factors,such as experience in later life,could also influence the development of society.And,in my view our society has been evolving into a more respectful,civilized and harmonious one.In the final analysis,I fundamentally disagree with the speaker's assertions.

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

没人帮忙改吗？。。。

hugeseaUID: 190158

1# mitchelllc

简略的看了下楼主的文章，别的我就不改了，就说说逻辑与结构吧

作者的在思路上是把改issue分为两个部分，或者说是两个问题来分别论述的。这样不是不可以，但是有一个重要的问题要注意：分开的两部分一定是要有逻辑上的联系的，通观作者的全文，作者的两部分之间并没有联系，是完全不搭的两个部分。为什么会这样呢？写成这样的根本的原因还在于作者没有真正读懂该题目的意思。
我觉得，该题目的意思是这样的：孩子的社会化决定社会的前途；然而我们没有学会如何使孩子社会化，因此我们在如何教育孩子建设一个更美好的社会这个问题上存在问题。

另外，作者的句子看上去很长，但是读上去都是Chinglish的，值得注意

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

3# hugesea
恩，非常感谢，确实写的时候就觉得逻辑上是有点儿问题~
我还要多多注意chinglish。。。
真的是很感谢~~

hugeseaUID: 190158

3# hugesea
恩，非常感谢，确实写的时候就觉得逻辑上是有点儿问题~
我还要多多注意chinglish。。。
真的是很感谢~~
mitchelllc 发表于 2010-7-26 14:17

这一题是高频题，也是非常不容易写出彩的题目

以前我写了一篇，不过被我们组的人狂批，呵呵，不过到现在我对这篇都还没啥好想法

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

5# hugesea
恩，总之非常感谢~
我准备去看看别人这个题是怎么写的，参考对比一下~

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

1# mitchelllc

简略的看了下楼主的文章，别的我就不改了，就说说逻辑与结构吧

作者的在思路上是把改issue分为两个部分，或者说是两个问题来分别论述的。这样不是不可以，但是有一个重要的问题要注意：分开的两 ...
hugesea 发表于 2010-7-26 14:11

还有十几天就考试了，对于这个chinglish问题，我应该怎么解决？很急啊。。。

hugeseaUID: 190158

还有十几天就考试了，对于这个chinglish问题，我应该怎么解决？很急啊。。。
mitchelllc 发表于 2010-7-27 11:10

短期内没办法解决，这个靠积累

短期的，还是靠逻辑，靠结构取胜吧

也就是说，开头，每个body段的TS；还有结尾一定要写好，一定要写得不能chinglish

其他的不能多说是浮云，也没有这些东西重要

因为你写AW首先得讨好e-rater....别听ETS说是机器人工两次阅卷的鬼话....肯定只有计算机阅卷

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

短期内没办法解决，这个靠积累

短期的，还是靠逻辑，靠结构取胜吧

也就是说，开头，每个body段的TS；还有结尾一定要写好，一定要写得不能chinglish

其他的不能多说是浮云，也没有这些东西重要

因为你 ...
hugesea 发表于 2010-7-27 11:25

恩，看来要把结构好好总结一下~~

z_pipi1980UID: 2807307

楼主， 我不是那个写作文的人，但是可以用帮助这个用户名发表评论。

楼上面的说的意见都很击中要害。
有一点小小的补充，In contrast, nowadays,we could always see lovers kissing in the park.
我觉得always 这种词还是谨慎用的好。比如说你可以说 it is normal/not surprising/not unusual that we see lovers kissing in  public places

我的意思是不能为了强调，而把一个论点/论据说的很绝对。而这可能是很多人容易犯的毛病。

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

楼主， 我不是那个写作文的人，但是可以用帮助这个用户名发表评论。

楼上面的说的意见都很击中要害。
有一点小小的补充，In contrast, nowadays,we could always see lovers kissing in the park.
我觉得always ...
z_pipi1980 发表于 2010-7-27 21:23

恩，谢谢楼上的评论，这个确实是一个问题，我现在觉得issue就是要客观的的去论证，切不可主观~~
另，楼上是不是她的老公啊，我猜的，呵呵~~