作文求拍

王亚冉UID: 2758328

有理，谢谢哈~ 15# FannieHsu

王亚冉UID: 2758328

810writing~
thanks~

yandong1208UID: 2798280

批改如下。

王亚冉UID: 2758328

主语就是前面的句子呀？！
呃，我自己也觉得这两句话说得挺别扭的~
anyway,谢谢评价，我会注意语法错误与句式的~ 18# yandong1208

crystal5841UID: 2710710

已修改，请查收

niyinanUID: 2693578

修改完成

王亚冉UID: 2758328

thanks a lot~ 20# crystal5841

王亚冉UID: 2758328

812请下重手~

王亚冉UID: 2758328

thanks very much~ 21# niyinan

lanzhi_gjyUID: 2717147

Is it true that we would never get successful in life if we do not make sure other people know about our strength and accomplishments? If having seen the sea of faces in the mutual selection, （说实话，这里没有看懂。。。ORZ）you would agree with my answer that I have to say yes.（一直都很喜欢这样的开头，呵呵~不过我当时用这样的开头主要是觉得比较简单，适用于任何题目，又挺有趣味的，但是我觉得缺点就是，说了基本等于什么都没说，就是表达了个观点。不过，也许开头这样就够了吧。你觉得呢？）

The past century has seen the tremendous changes in our society. More and more fast of the life’s pace makes people have no time to comprehensively understand a person. For example, when you search for a job, the company perhaps just has a glance on your resume, without any highlights on it, you probably be shut out all the time.(我觉得你的整篇看下来，给人的感觉论证不是很充分，太单一了，原因是缺少论证语言，这里就可以加一句，总结性的topic sentence ,然后再举例，也许你之前的话都是在发表意见，但是给人的感觉不是很明确，就是缺少这样一个提纲挈领的话) One of my best friends could be the classic instance, firstly, I would say that he is a capable person, but also a shy guy, so he did not write his achievements at all, the result was predictable. He sent more than 70 letters, all dropped into the ocean. After listened to my advice, he re-wrote to 2 companies which he craves to enter with the detailed award during study time. Before long, both of them replayed to hire him.（唉，感叹楼主的语言功力啊，我觉得你的语句很精彩，让人会很感动，学习了）
The world is never lack of the swift horse, it is just short for Bole!（老外应该也有阐述这种关系的谚语，只是，不知道他们认识咱们文化中的伯乐么？这里我觉得要么就把这句换成他们文化中对应的谚语，要么在后面可以加一句，做一个解释说明，比如…Bole,who is the …in Chinese culture.） So we should make sure other people especially influential people or our employers know about our achievements. Still take my friend for example, after having been in an electric company for six months, he worked industriously every day. From time to time, he also helped a colleague plan a large project. To the end of the year, boss appointed his co-worker to center to work for a creative idea which actually was come out by my friend. How ironic it is! But that is the reality we have to accept[color=Red]!（我觉得这里可以说一下，accept what,或者，如果，没有let others know …,后果就是…）

In the final analysis, with the competition between people increasing, and if we want to get successful in life, we must let others know our abilities actively.

描述背景---举例子说明应该如题---得出结论如题才能成功----又举例子说明不如题会怎样

恩，这是从你作文中看到的逻辑线路，其实挺辨正的，只是不够明确,至少他得让我去想了以后才能看出来。当然这很有可能是我的水平太差，事实是我的水平的确很差，但是在我看来也的确是这样的，你可以参考一下。我觉得如果我这里说的不对，那么在考试中，你应该能得挺高分的。首先你的语言很好，虽然句式变化不多，大部分都是陈述，而且也很少有长句，但是很生动，感情也很丰富，读起来感觉很真实，语法错误也很少。其次，你的论证虽然就是正的说完说反的，举得例子也都是同事怎么怎么，但是很完整，也很恰当，很有说服力。
但是，如果我这里说到点子上了，你的扣分点可能就是文章的组织，不是很有条理，或者说，条理不是很明显明确。就是缺少一些连词，关键词，和关键句。

在我看来，理想的结构应该是：描述背景---得出论点---提出论点1---举例验证---小结---提出论点2---举例验证---小结。
嘿嘿，这样的话，我觉得你和同组的yezi还蛮互补的。。

恩，呵呵，其实我也不确定，我在看一些满分范文的时候，也觉得他们写得不是很清晰。恩，我自己的作文就写得不好，这样改过后看好像也挺死板的。你可以参考下啦~


这是我的第一篇托福作文，写得比较罗嗦，有空去看看吧~~可以的话请使劲拍~谢谢哦~
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1138090-1-1.html

王亚冉UID: 2758328

终于遇到一个有责任心的孩子呀，谢谢你中肯的评价~ 25# lanzhi_gjy

yezi2010UID: 2722638

谢谢你给我的作文的修改，你的作文我也改好，请查收~

王亚冉UID: 2758328

太幸运了啊，这次的分组让我遇到了自加入这个作文小组以来，批改的最认真的两个小组成员了哈~先赞一下~第一段我是想说招聘会里人山人海的，结果两位都没看懂，估计是我表述的有问题啊~anyway， thanks a lot~ 27# yezi2010

王亚冉UID: 2758328

终于写完了~

王亚冉UID: 2758328

补817作业~