7。31作文

ArantUID: 2814596

- -改得比较多...见谅了~

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小丸子改8.24

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改好了~
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抱歉不能发附件，直接贴了，括号里是修改的


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language.

Why do children should learn about art and music after they finish main subjects? The school thinks that learning about these subjects can help children （to） have new skills. In fact I disagree with this statement because I have following reasons to support my viewpoint.

The main problem with this argument is that it is ignorant of the basic fact; children have increasing amounts of their homework.  For instance, my cousin, Alex, he is a student in a primary school. After school, numerous of homework waited（is waiting） for him. He has not any time to play because he should do his homework every day.(替换成：Therefor, he hasn’t any leisure time.) He said:" I hate to study, I hate to go to school." (建议加一句：The heavy burden creats a negative emotion which harm the effect of education )In this time, I would feel very upset because a child does not have the childhood belong himself. As a result, if young school is still requiring them, just like my cousin, to study art and music, I think that children will not have any time to sleep and the school will kill those children's childhood.（没时间睡觉。。。这个理由略微浅显了，改成：限制了孩子们自由发展的空间）

This example is only illustration（illustrates that建议：名词和动词之间优先选用动词）there is a deeper theory underlying the problem, which is in this modern society, children are not having any free time belong to themselves.（貌似是第二次提到这个理由，多进行分析，从不同角度解析） Because their parents require that they should learn about extra disciplines in the weekend. Parents are always thinking that their children for ever worse than their friends. （话不能这么说。。。。可以改为父母总是对自己的孩子有更高的期望，这样貌似更积极些吧）Powerful data shows: Nowadays, why the children do not like to go to school?（改为：data的定语 children lack of motivation to school） Eighty-six percentage children think that they not have any time to play because their parents will require them to study another extra subject. (这个理由再次重复)According to this information, we can understand that a lot of children not have any happy memory in their childhood.

Of course, the school require（s）children to study art and music can help them have the new skill （语法错误，两个动词）in the future because if children are good at art and music, they can become an artist when they grow up. Although the other people think that today, children are happier than before because their parents are always taking care their children and afraid of them not have satisfied（children满足什么？）. However, they ignore that the child already not have any free time belong to themselves.

还是那句话，深挖理由，多角度分析。另外建议，可以多想几个理由，不要只是对一个例子分析，这样或许能丰富你的文章