ISSUE51【六人行8.2】by Eileen

Eileen312UID: 2648750

TIME: 不计时
WORDS: 558

Generally speaking, the purse of education is to transmit a society’s accumulated knowledge and values to the target groups of students, so that their mind, skills, and physical ability can be well prepared for the social roles they are going to lead in real life. Only the education fitting this purpose could be labeled as TRULY EFFECTIVE. It is undeniable that individual requirements should be taken into consideration by educators. Yet absolutely personalized education, as cited by the quotation, is impractical, hazardous, and thus ineffective.

Admittedly, general education--with standard curriculum and standard teaching methods, has committed certain mistakes in neglecting students’ personal voices, which directly gives birth to the argument for individual-driven education. For instance, some students may want to develop their personal hobbies, say painting, during their limited spare time, while piles of homework unfortunately gert in the way; what is more, they have more than mastered the knowledge related to the homework. Should they simply turn a deaf ear to the teachers’ requirement, which will definitely affect their GPA and consequently deduce their chance to higher education, or should they reluctantly hold their interests in abeyance, which will possibly shade their dreams to be celebrated painters? Either choice would frustrate the students. Problems like this are common in nowadays education, which unavoidably degrade educational effectiveness.

Although imperfect current education is, absolutely individual-oriented tutoring could not guarantee educational effectiveness either and even worse, could result in social chaos. Under the circumstance of education being unavailable to numerous impoverished kids, educational resources could only be too pressing but rather sufficient to meet personal needs. I concede that it is viable to focus the limited resources to certain students, but what about the abandoned children? Without sufficient education, they will grow up into rude citizens incompatible with modern civilization, they will be incapable of grasp any skill to earn a life, and probably some of them will be reduced to anti-socialists. Should we manage to collect enough educational resources and distribute equally to meet each student’s requirement, the educational effectiveness would not be realized. The reason is that group-oriented teaching today is also designed to cultivate cooperation ability among students; while in the personalized education, educators care more about personal needs which will lead to students’ ego-centrism.

Then the question is: how can we accomplish truly effectiveness in education? My answer is: improve the existing educational system, as well as resort to social forces. First of all, educators should give more freedom to students, such as assign less homework, add more selected courses, and allow talented students’ absence in courses they have mastered. Furthermore, social organizations ought to establish technical schools or training classes to help students develop their hobbies or skills. For instance, students, who fail to fix the normal university life but prefer cooking, may drop out and join a cooking school instead. Last but not the least family cultivation should never be neglected. A case related here is Lang Lang, the celebrated pianist who played at the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize ceremony for US President Obama; ever since he was very young, his father pinched and scraped to buy him a piano and insisted him practice everyday .

In conclusion, individual-oriented education is unfeasible and cannot guarantee the educational effectiveness. Instead, improved traditional education in combination with social assistance could result in real effective education.

xyjprcUID: 2412778

呼。。。改作文比自己写工作量大多了。。。久等了~
总之已经相当好了~我是鸡蛋里挑骨头~
开头段形式不错，第二段的论证有点不完善，第三段的行文思路有些修改建议，第四段，呃，比较大胆，但段末有点离题，结尾段中规中矩。
学习了~！欢迎讨论~~~还有十来天，加油~


Generally speaking, the purse[用错词了？] of education is to transmit a society’s accumulated knowledge and values to the target groups of students, so that their mind, skills, and physical ability can be well prepared for the social roles they are going to lead in real life[解释型开头，而且定义很清楚，不错]. Only the education fitting this purpose could be labeled as TRULY EFFECTIVE[强调的内容不必大写吧？已经有truly强调了]. It is undeniable that individual requirements should be taken into consideration by educators. Yet absolutely personalized education, as cited by the quotation[这句是什么意思？根据引用？没有必要吧。。。], is impractical, hazardous, and thus ineffective[暗示下文，很好~，不过文章在修改后，应该也修改这里的几个词，让它们和下文联系得更紧密].

Admittedly, general education--with standard curriculum and standard[连用，换一个] teaching methods, has committed certain mistakes in neglecting students’ personal voices, which[指代有点不太明。。。改成therefore？但是根据此段看，后面并没有提到specifically designed education，而只是讲传统的教育会降低效率，所以后半句并没有对应的论据支撑，论证不完整：凭什么说specifically designed education就会提高效率呢？] directly gives[give] birth to the argument for individual-driven education. For instance, some students may want to develop their personal hobbies, say painting, during their limited spare time, while piles of homework unfortunately gert[get?] in the way; what is more, they have more than mastered the knowledge related to the homework[后半句想表达什么？]. Should they simply turn a deaf ear to the teachers’ requirement, which will definitely affect their GPA and consequently deduce their chance to higher education, or should they reluctantly hold their interests in abeyance, which will possibly shade their dreams to be celebrated painters? Either choice would frustrate the students.[这两句好] Problems like this are common in nowadays education, which unavoidably degrade educational effectiveness.

Although imperfect current education is, absolutely individual-oriented tutoring could not guarantee educational effectiveness either and even worse, could result in social chaos. Under the circumstance of education being unavailable to numerous impoverished kids[个人感觉不太准确，应该是那个地区贫困而导致教学资源稀缺，而不应是学生贫困], educational resources could only be too pressing but rather sufficient to meet personal needs. I concede that it is viable to focus the limited resources to certain students, but what about the abandoned children? Without sufficient education, they will grow up into rude citizens incompatible with modern civilization, [run-on sentence, +and或新起一句]they will be incapable of grasp any skill to earn a life, and probably some of them will be reduced[这个词用得不合适吧？] to anti-socialists[这样的例子太极端了，教学资源不够，再加上针对型教育，就要放弃一部分学生，被放弃的学生以后可能会成为反社会分子？]. Should we manage to collect enough educational resources and distribute equally to meet each student’s requirement, the educational effectiveness would not be realized[后半句加个限定：在针对型教育的情况下。也就是说，在这种教育模式下，如果教学资源不够，那effectiveness只是一纸空谈]. The reason is that[下面这些不是上面的reason呀，所以the reason is that用得不对。] group-oriented teaching today is also designed to cultivate cooperation ability among students; while in the personalized education, educators care more about personal needs which will lead to students’ ego-centrism. [个人觉得这个主题还有一种展开方式：先说可能教学资源不足（就不必用那个比较极端的例子了），然后退一步说，即使有如此丰富的教学资源，也不能完全依学生兴趣，因为前面提过教育目的是为社会培养人才，需要的是全面发展的人才，而且有些课，像培养道德、价值观和法律基础的课应该必须学；再可以说你最后一点，也要培养合作精神，独立教育的结果可能对身心发展和社会能力不利。]

Then the question is: how can we accomplish truly[true] effectiveness in education? My answer is: improve the existing educational system, as well as resort to social forces. First of all,[无论如何选修，保证必修课（专业课+上面讲到的道德教育等）应该是前提。] educators should give more freedom to students, such as assign[ing] less homework, add more selected[selective?] courses, and allow talented students’ absence in courses they have mastered. Furthermore, social organizations ought to establish technical schools or training classes to help students develop their hobbies or skills. [这一点感觉有点像大力推广技校？@_@] For instance, students, who fail to fix[这个词？] the normal university life but prefer cooking, may drop out and join[join a school?搭配？] a cooking school instead[前两点我觉得还是说，保证必修课的前提下，增开选修课，比较好一些。。。当然你有你的想法]. Last but not the least family cultivation should never be neglected. A case related here is Lang Lang, the celebrated pianist who played at the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize ceremony for US President Obama; ever since he was very young, his father pinched and scraped to buy him a piano and insisted[用urged？] him practice everyday[every day?] [但，family cultivation似乎和整个主题没有什么联系，Lang Lang的例子也没有什么联系啊。。。].

In conclusion, individual-oriented education is unfeasible and cannot guarantee the educational effectiveness. Instead, improved traditional education in combination with social assistance could result in real effective education.[嗯，中规中矩的结尾~]

Eileen312UID: 2648750

改的很认真，谢谢啊O(∩_∩)O。。。的确是自己没想到的错误，经过互改就凸显出来了。。。