issue201 （revised by SMM and paisley）

screwUID: 135321

我的第二篇issue，希望大家指正，谢谢!!

Syllabus:
1.        首段先说明议题的背景，并提出自己的观点。
2.        第二段说明技能教育的重要性，有足够的技能方得以在社会上生存，以台湾社会职场的竞争为例子。
3.        第三段，让步，只有技能教育没有价值观教育所可能产生之后果，分别以复制人议题及文革来对自然科学及社会学的专家来进行举例及探讨，来凸显价值观教育的重要性。
4.        结论，各段重点重述，并再强调自己的观点。


Issue11: （孙远书的题号）
“The purpose of education should be to provide students with a value system, a standard, a set of ideas—not to prepare them for a specific job.”

In recent years, the direction of education has been at the center of numerous controversies arising from the gap between ideal and reality. One of these debates is that the education should only need to provide students with a standard value system. Some people advocate that the students should be taught a whole value system. Others argue that the job-related skills should be set priority to the value courses, especially in nowadays-modern society. Still others claim that the schools should not only prepare people to compete in society but also help them maintain their culture identity. When it comes to my attitude toward this issue, I think the policy of education should call for a balance in which both incorporate the moral and professional education.

After the Industrial Revolution in the eighteen-century, the remarkable advances in nature science strongly impacted the formal social structure and made it transformed from a peaceful agricultural society to an extremely competitive technological one. In order to survive in this technologically advanced society, people need to promote their job skills through each segment of the education. For example, in Taiwan, a high tech and completely industrialized nation, the companies only recruit people with professional skills. Once, the employees are measured as incapable or insufficient in their specialized work. Due to the aim of earning profits of companies,（公司以营利为目的，不知该怎样写较好） they will be discharged. It is, therefore, apparent that people holding excellent job-related skills are not only mean that they have ever got good grads in their major in schools, but also make possible that they can survive in this competitive environment. In addition, such phenomenon also causes the society became more and more specialized and meanwhile, promote the development of the society.

Nevertheless, without the value educations, even if the people have enough abilities to contest in the job market, they can’t find the worth of them. They, furthermore, will become more and more egoistic, because they don’t know how to get along with others. On the other hand, try to image that the scientists without the value concepts do the researches about the security of the nation or even, the security of the human beings. For instance, the duplicated-human technology（复制人科技不知该如何用英文表达？） involved numerous complexity value disputes was banned by many countries in the world. Suppose that if the scientists taking the value system as trashes disobey the regulations to illegally duplicate the human beings for their self-serving desires or furthermore, for making money. That will be a disaster for the society. Besides, suppose that what will be happened if the socialists don’t care the value development of the culture. For example, Chinese cultural revolution of 1950’s（這樣年代的表現法是否對呢？）, at that time people no longer received any value education and they abandoned and derided all the conventional ideals including the right ones such as the relationship between people, which were important for the society. People unreasonably criticized reciprocally and hence, severely punished those judged as guilt. Socialists were afraid to, or didn’t know “how to”, help the society to align its errant track. This “revolution” which almost throttled the Chinese culture was regarded as a deeply grieved catastrophe for Chinese. Due to above reasons, obviously, no one can deny the significant status of value education in the culture.

People with adept professional skills assure their competitiveness and subsistence in this technologically advanced society. However, values not only a standard of judgment for the integrity people but also play a vital role for a healthy society and a progressing culture. For these reasons, I strongly suggest that a whole education should not be partial toward professional or value education but combine both them into a unit education system. （607）

SMMUID: 106624

Issue11: （孙远书的题号）
“The purpose of education should be to provide students with a value system, a standard, a set of ideas—not to prepare them for a specific job.”

In recent years, the direction of [for or in?] education has been at the center of numerous controversies arising from the gap between ideal and reality. One of these debates is that the education should only need to provide students with a standard value system. Some people advocate that the students should be taught a whole value system. Others argue that the job-related skills should be set priority to the value courses, especially in nowadays-modern society. Still others claim that the schools should not only prepare people to compete in society but also help them maintain their culture identity. When it comes to my attitude toward this issue, I think the policy of education should call for a balance in which both incorporate the moral and professional education.

After the Industrial Revolution in the eighteen-century, the remarkable advances in nature science strongly impacted the formal social structure and made it transformed from a peaceful agricultural society to an extremely competitive technological one. In order to survive in this technologically advanced society, people need to promote their job skills through each segment of the education. For example, in Taiwan, a high tech and completely industrialized nation, the companies only recruit people with professional skills. Once, the employees are measured as incapable or insufficient in their specialized work. Due to the aim of earning profits of companies,（公司以营利为目的，不知该怎样写较好） they will be discharged. [Once the employees are measured [evaluated ?] as incapable or insufficient in their specialized work, they will be discharged by the employers because there is no room for incapable workers in modern companies with the only goal to maximize profits]It is, therefore, apparent that people holding excellent job-related skills are not only mean that they have ever got good grads in their major in schools, but also make possible that they can survive in this competitive environment. In addition, such phenomenon also causes the society became more and more specialized and meanwhile, promote the development of the society. [Do you need to emphasize your topic at the end of this paragraph? How about adding a sentence such as: One of the key missions of education is to make students to prepare their career? This way, your idea may be more easily understood by readers, I think.]

Nevertheless, without the value educations, even if the people have enough abilities to contest in the job market, they can’t find the worth of them. They, furthermore, will become more and more egoistic, because they don’t know how to get along with others. On the other hand[?], try to image that the scientists without the value concepts do the researches about the security of the nation or even, the security of the human beings. For instance, the duplicated-human technology（复制人科技不知该如何用英文表达？human clone? ） involved numerous complexity value disputes was banned by many countries in the world. Suppose that if the scientists taking the value system as trashes disobey the regulations to illegally duplicate the human beings for their self-serving desires or furthermore, for making money. That will be a disaster for the society. Besides, suppose that what will be happened if the socialists don’t care the value development of the culture. For example, Chinese cultural revolution of 1950’s（這樣年代的表現法是否對呢？in the 1950’s）, at that time(you may delete “at that time”) people no longer received any value education and they abandoned and derided all the conventional ideals including the right ones such as the relationship between people, which were important for the society. People unreasonably criticized reciprocally and hence, severely punished those judged as guilt. [Please check this sentence carefully.] Socialists were afraid to, or didn’t know “how to”, help the society to align its errant track[is this parallel structure right? ]. This “revolution” which [why use which here?] almost throttled the Chinese culture was regarded as a deeply grieved catastrophe for Chinese. Due to above reasons, obviously, no one can deny the significant status of value education in the culture. [You may also summary your idea here to emphasize what you said in this paragraph.]

People with adept professional skills assure their competitiveness and subsistence in this technologically advanced society. However, values [are?] not only a standard of judgment for the integrity people but also play a vital role for a healthy society and a progressing culture. For these reasons, I strongly suggest that a whole education should not be partial toward professional or value education but combine both them into a unit education system.[a united education system?] （607）

SMMUID: 106624

Your writing is a little different from ours. In fact, it's very good, except for some errors. You may also re-organize the third paragraph. In my opinion, both short and long paragraphs are needed.

It's only my opinion. Please think yourself. By the way, there is still room for improvements. You may check it again  a few days later.

SMMUID: 106624

paisley, would you like to check this essay again? I'm not sure if I have made some mistakes.

paisleyUID: 64183

这篇文章好象以前有人写过，或者是范文，你可以搜索一下。

另外，给screw一个建议。你练习ISSUE 的时候，要注意题目的多变，你的这篇和第一篇其实内容非常相近，这样也难写出新意来。你可以到我们精华区找一下分类过的题库，然后科技、教育、社会、政治等方面，按顺序写，每个题材都保证。还有一个好办法：去找出所有的范文，然后把它们分类，这样不仅可以练习各种素材和题材，还可以保证每写完一篇都能和优秀的文章对比，找出自己的不足。

对文章的评论：

开头比较平庸。其实你只是复述了题目的意思而已，但是语言又不够出彩。如果有漂亮的句子，那么也能掩饰重复题目的缺憾，但是你些得比较普通，就感觉有些累赘了。你可以借鉴精华区范文的开头，看他们是怎么写的。

第二段
“公司以营利为目的”profit-oriented companies，或者说the aim of making profit
我想这一段你可以把分工细化讲一讲。因为你前面讲到工业化的蔓延和深入，商业社会的利润至上，似乎还不是很深入，有点泛泛。如果能把分工细化讲得具体又有趣的话，会使这一段大增其彩。比如，在HOLLYWOOD，一部电影的剧本并不是一个编剧完成的。他们的发分工达到令人吃惊的地步。其中吵架的对白，专门由在描述吵架上有专长的编剧撰写；谈情说爱的部分，也有调情高手的编剧来写。。，插科打诨的部分，更由其他幽默人士分工，等等。你只有在这段把分工过细的流弊阐述到位，才有利于后面谈起必须有个balance，也才更让人信服。

或者你还可以提一下，在要求极端的分工化的情形下，却另有一种趋势，要求年轻人身兼数种本领。会计算机的，必得有相当的英语水准，学语言的，却最好有经济金融的背景。这些都是都市职场的常见情景。由此也可引出这更需要balance。

第三段
复制人科技  cloning technology
這樣年代的表現法是否對呢？in the 1950’s 恩，1950s就行咯
这一段举例较多而说理嫌少了些。其实你可以谈一下人生的目的（关于这方面，应该有很多英文文献，可以看看Bacon的文章，比较浅显，但是微言大义，很适于引用），不是为了生存，或者为了较高层次的生存如名利和舒适的物质享受，而是为了精神的升华的心灵的宁静。
你也可以谈一下过于物质化导致的人的异化（alianation）。这样会更深入一些

正片文章表述得还是很明白的，说理也不错。我只是提些建议希望它能更好。

screwUID: 135321

谢谢SMM及paisley的指正及建议…
看了你们的建议，都好有深度，真觉得自己能力的不足….
啊…难以望其项背….真要以你们为榜样，好好努力才是
小弟先下去好好咀嚼一番了…谢谢您们了  ^_^

screwUID: 135321

真不好意思，有一些问题要请教SMM大侠
您说我的文章和您们的有些不大一样，是哪里不同呢？会不会是我的写作有哪些问题？（我的程度不好,害怕中>_<）

both short and long paragraphs are needed.

您的意思是否指一篇文章中是需要有长有短的段落来组成？
而我这一篇的段落都过长了？
感谢您花时间给小弟解答了…^_^

SMMUID: 106624

Hi，别客气。我也不是高手，不过从自己的角度提点看法而已。为了使你对我有点儿了解，从而考虑我的看法的轻重，我简单说说自己。我考了315，写作成绩也不高。另外我是自学英语，所以语法上的东西我不敢妄评，你也慎重参考。我觉得自己学英语1年多就通过大学英语四级考试是因为我读的特别多，也很快就开始写作了。记得刚学in my opinion 后，我就开始用在写作里了，同学里比我多学6年英语的还没开始这么用。当然这都是小儿科。我仅仅从自己的体会得到的经验谈谈你的文章而已，也不要太当真，你自己多思考才是最真。

你的语言与大陆同学的不同还是能看出来的，（我好像对文字挺敏感）除了有些语法错误，你的用词比较到位，我这么认为。因此我说你的与其他一些人的不同。大陆学生非常习惯用大而空的词汇，而你所说的话还比较具体。

另外我担心你的两个支持段都很长，ETS可能不能很好理解你的内容。有时，短的段落也很有用，尤其过渡段。长短结合有时效果更好。当然，也能用长段组织很好的文章，不过也要注意段落的发展，如topic sentence,supporting sentences, 结尾适当再概括一下有时有些帮助。当然这些你可能都很熟悉了，只是在写作中注意运用一下即可。

不知道有没有道理，还是请自己多多思考，别人的东西（尤其我的）都要批判接受啊。

祝好！

screwUID: 135321

真是非常感谢SMM及paisley的指正及建议
SMM及paisley的指导实在让小弟获益良多…感谢又感动….^_^
我将第三段稍微re-organize一次并将各段后都作了summarize
若有错，还望大侠指导…

Issue11: “The purpose of education should be to provide students with a value system, a standard, a set of ideas—not to prepare them for a specific job.”

In recent years, the direction in education has been at the center of numerous controversies arising from the gap between ideal and reality. One of these debates is that the education should only need to provide students with a standard value system. Some people advocate the students should be taught a whole value system. Others argue that the job-related skills should be set priority to the value courses, especially in nowadays-modern society. Still others claim the schools should not only prepare people to compete in society but also help them maintain their culture identity. When it comes to my attitude toward this issue, I think the policy of education should call for a balance in which both incorporate the moral and professional education.

After the Industrial Revolution in the eighteen-century, the remarkable advances in nature science strongly impacted the formal social structure and made it transformed from a peaceful agricultural society to an extremely competitive technological one. In order to survive in this technologically advanced society, people need to promote their job skills through each segment of the education. For example, in Taiwan, a high tech and completely industrialized nation, the companies only recruit people with professional skills. Once the employees are evaluated as incapable or insufficient in their specialized work, they won’t keep their job very long, because there is no room for incapable workers in modern oriented-profit companies.（不知道這個room是否可以用space代替，又這句的分句會不會怪怪的啊？ ）It is, therefore, apparent that people holding excellent job-related skills are not only mean that they have ever got good grads in their major in schools, but also make possible that they can survive in this competitive environment. In addition, such phenomenon also causes the society became more and more specialized and meanwhile, promote the development of the society. Therefore, One of the essential duties of education is to help people assure their competitiveness in the society. （新補上的）

Nevertheless, without the value educations, even if the people have enough abilities to contest in the job market, they can’t find the worth of them. They will invariably seek the material enjoyment, but will not understand what real identification of happy is. Beside, there are some values required for a democratic society to survive – particularly the values of respect and tolerance. Respect and tolerance are basic ethical ones that demand people to recognize the rudimental equality of people. They, therefore, help people avoid being egoistic and help a society make its stability.

Otherwise, try to image that the scientists without the value concepts do the researches about the security of the nation or even, the security of the human beings. For instance, the cloning technology involved numerous complexity value disputes was banned by many countries in the world. Suppose that if the scientists taking the value system as trashes disobey the regulations to illegally duplicate the human beings for their self-serving desires or furthermore, for making money. That will be a disaster for the society. Besides, suppose that what will be happened （這裡的be happened 我也不大確定，我記得happen多用被動？）if the socialists don’t care the value development of the culture. For example, Chinese cultural revolution in 1950’s, people no longer received any value education and they abandoned and derided all the conventional ideals including the right ones such as the relationship between people, which were important for the society. Socialists were afraid to, or didn’t know “how to”, help the society to align its errant track.（對不起，可否指點小弟這句這句平行結構錯在哪呢？ ） This “revolution” that almost throttled the Chinese culture was regarded as a deeply grieved catastrophe for Chinese. Obviously, no one can deny the significant status of value education in the culture.

People without value standards don’t know to how to judge truth and falsehood, even though they have profitable jobs. A society without moralization will be on the way toward doom, even though it owns the most advanced technologies. Hence, the value standards should be another key mission of education.

In sum, people with adept professional skills assure their competitiveness and subsistence in this technologically advanced society. However, values are not only a standard of judgment for the integrity people but also play a vital role for a healthy society and a progressing culture. For these reasons, I strongly suggest that a whole education should not be partial toward professional or value education but combine both them into a united education system.

paisleyUID: 64183

because there is no room for incapable workers in modern oriented-profit companies.（不知道這個room是否可以用space代替，又這句的分句會不會怪怪的啊？

我觉得room比space好。似乎用引申义的时候，room比space更常见。

要补充一点，崇尚精神和心灵层面的教育，一般叫做liberal education。比value education好：）

suppose that what will be happened （這裡的be happened 我也不大確定，我記得happen多用被動？）

happen很少用被动的，呵呵，你记错了。而且这句话不要用there be句型，直接说suppose 某人要做某事即可。

socialist一词好象用的不妥，这专指社会主义者，是不是你文中的所指比这要宽泛？


align its errant track比较费解。句子的平行结构没有错啊。

这篇写的不错啊。比原来的立意显然深了。另外，再建议，一个词不要反复出现，如value。不然给人感觉好象是肚里没货。可以考虑换几个同义词。

songyxUID: 118533

For example, in Taiwan, a high tech and completely industrialized nation,


Taiwan, nation? 有点问题吧

00foxUID: 112731

好象第一段太罗索了一点，而且大部分来自孙远的百宝箱，我在写关于大学的文章时也用过。（危险呀~~~）

看了paisley的评语，感觉学到了不少东西，我以后要常到这里来学习！

screwUID: 135321

1. 感谢paisley的再度指正，我想用space的原因是不想全部抄袭SMM大侠的文句（好象有些不太礼貌），我也觉得room较有程度…
2. socialist应该改为sociologist 才对，啊..a fatal mistake…

谢谢paisley的建议，我继续努力….^_^