快考试了，请求批改作文

ElijahhUID: 2707404

26号考，来不及加小组了，就选了一篇TPO2的独立作文来写，请狠批。。。问sports和social activities和class，library一样重要，universities and colleges是不是该在上面花一样钱。

Though physical health is thebasis of every student's activities and social activities can do a lot of helpto the intectual development,universities and colleges shold spend morefinancial support to classes and libraries.

The first thing comes into my mind is that,the maingoal of higher education is to help the students to improve their acedemicknowledge and make them to be a more noble person.Physical health or evenability to attend social work can not replace a person's inner mind tolearn.Stephen Hawing,one of the most influential figures in the twentiescentury,is highly respected by his research in the black hole theory.Sufferingserious disease for years,he never gives up the exploration in the physicalfield.Is it the best example to demonstrate that compared to some sports oreven health,a person more needs a stonger mind and an independent soul?

Secondly,sometimes the social actitities aretotally meaningless and a waste of time.Look at the shining life of theup-state university students!They spend all the money,time,vigor to the partiesand cocktails.Back to see Doris Lessing,the winner of 2007 Nobel Prize inliterature,we see a whole different meaning of life.This elder lady,whoreceived this honor for all the fiminists and inspired a generation ofwriters,thinks so highly of intectual awareness and even never thinks about touse a computer to write.

What’s more,it’s crucially impratical to spend thesame on sports or social activities.The huge number of departments in differentarea will cost far more than one phycial education department.There may besayings that the students need the instruments in the stadium,but how come canit compare to the expense of the professors’ payment,all the research needs andthe expenditures in the library?

Admittly,the sports achivements are extrodinary insome universities and colleges.The College Olympics,known around the world asthe most important sports games among the college students,attracts the eyes ofeveryone. What's more,there have been many social leagues or
sports leagues among many colleges.Especiallyin the Ivy League,many tournaments will be held for the cooperation andcommunication of these seven universities.However,sports and social activitiesare just part of life communication,try to imagine what an university or acollege will be if it has no any academic achivemnt!

In conclusion,the academic knowledge is far moreimportant and the center of every students,the universities and colleges shouldpay more attention on academic area.No matter where the fund is from,govermentor alumini,it should be spent on the right palce.After all,the intelligence ofhuman beings and the exploration of nature science are chased by the wholehuman race.

wuqian0801UID: 2637709

Though physical health is the basis of every student's activities[表达中式了] and social activities can do a lot of to help to the intectual development,universities and colleges shold spend more financial support[focus more attention on] to classes and libraries./ a; j; q-
[逻辑不对。虽然健康对学生好，课外活动对学生好，但是学校更该关注教学。
1.逻辑掉链了。你说了健康和课外活动对学生好，后面应该跟上为什么，或者对学生具体哪里好
2.还是逻辑gap。突然说学校要关注教学和图书馆。不是不行，起码说虽然健康对学生好，但是相比之下教学和图书馆对学生帮助更大，因为什么什么，所以我们应该更关注教学和图书馆。]
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The first thing comes into my mind is that,the main goal of higher[further] education is to help the students to improve their acedemic knowledge and make them to be a more noble person[太夸张了].Physical health or even ability to attending social work can not replace a person's inner mind to learn[learning].Stephen Hawking,one of the most influential figures in the twenties century,is highly respected by his research in the black hole theory.Suffering serious disease for years,he never gives up the exploration in the physical field.Is it the best example to demonstrate that compared to some sports oreven health,a person more needs a stonger mind and an independent soul? [in fact, I donot think that is the best case to demonstrate your statement, it is really too weak.]
[你说我们要更关注学习专业知识，增加专业内涵。并且用了霍金的例子。但是很遗憾，霍金的例子不能说明问题。
顶多这个例子能说明spirit of never give up，因为太片面了。你太生硬的用例子了。起码你要说明为什么学习专业知识好(原因 或者 影响)，对学生的现在或未来的好处之类的，再说明对比锻炼身体之类的活动 学习专业知识更加重要些 因为它们具备了什么特点 可以让学生获得什么 而这些是学生无法从参加课外活动那获取的。这么说才能说明无法replace]
Secondly,sometimes the social actitities are totally meaningless and a waste of time[time-wasting].Look at the shining life of the up-state university students!They spend all the money,time,vigor to the parties and cocktails.Back to see Doris Lessing,the winner of 2007 Nobel Prize inliterature,we see a whole different meaning of life.This elder lady,who received this honor for all the fiminists and inspired a generation of writers,thinks so highly of intectual awareness and even never thinks about touse a computer to write.! e' W)[啥意思？]
[理由二你说的是浪费时间和没什么意义。直接用例子说明其实是很好的论证方法。但是你的例子都太不着调了。没对口。例子还是用得不到位。]
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What’s more,it’s crucially impratical to spend the same？[啥意思？] on sports or social activities.The huge number of departments in different area will cost far more than one phycial education department ?还是没懂啥意思.There may be [Here are]sayings that the students need the instruments in the stadium,but how come？ can it compare to the expense of the professors’ payment,all the research needs andthe expenditures in the library?4 @) |: j
[这段看不懂的太多。你的表达很有问题。比较中式，逻辑也掉链很多。。没懂。
另外 少用问句问rator 难道不是么？之类的。。 不太好] B8 J)
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Admittly,the sports achivements are extrodinary in some universities and colleges.The College Olympics,being known around the world asthe most important sports games among the college students,[这个插入很多余。]attracts[中式了 catch] the eyes of everyone. What's more,there have been [are]many social leagues or4 I8 d$ a  P$ sports leagues among many colleges.Especiallyin the Ivy League,many tournaments will be held for the cooperation andcommunication of these seven universities.However,sports and social activities are just part of life communication,try to imagine what an university or acollege will be if it has no[doesn't have] any academic achivemnt!

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In conclusion,the academic knowledge is far more important and the center of[to] every students,the universities and colleges shouldpay more attention on academic area.No matter where the fund is from,govermentor alumini,it should be spent on the right place.After all,the intelligence ofhuman beings and the exploration of nature science are chased by the whole human race.
[最后一段如果想总结 就重新陈述下你上面说的理由。你这边越说越宽 越说越虚 不是说不好 只是很不容易让人记得你之前讲了什么。
整个看下来 除了表达非常中式之外 最大的问题就是逻辑太不清楚了。例子也用得不对口，就是说例子没有很好的论证你的观点。甚至有些牛头不对马嘴。
另外 你对词性还不是很清楚 有时候会把形容词和名词并列。词性搞清楚 再写。确保写出来的东西基本的用法是对的，简单点没事。
essay的最高境界就是：简单/干练/内容实在]

粗浅看了一下。。也许不是很细致。。 加油吧。。快考了。。

ElijahhUID: 2707404

2# wuqian0801 谢谢大牛，第一次写文章，见笑了