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[作文] 剑4test2 task2-求拍 [复制链接]

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发表于 2010-9-29 13:11:29 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 lijing_sophia 于 2010-9-29 13:14 编辑

第一次准备雅思,还在摸索阶段。感觉写的实在不咋地,请各位牛人帮忙看看。多谢!

Happiness is considered very important in life.
Why is it difficult to define?
What factors are important in achieving happiness?


Happinessis the life-time pursuit of almost every person around this world. They seek happiness in their own ways based on their own understading to this abstract concept. That is exactly why it is hard for us to give happiness a definition that would conceive all the people. Because different people focuses on various factors in their life for pursuring happiness. But generally speaking, the following points, I consider,are the most essential elements that can lead our human beings to happiness.


Iwould like to put the peace and harmony of this society in the first place asit is the pre-requisite of individuals’ happiness. There is no doubt that theaverage degree of sense of happiness felt by citizens in coutries that suffer war and chaos is far lower than that experienced by peopple in peaceful countries. For a person who live with bomb explosion, high crime rate and agovernment who have not enough resources and capability to make sure of itscitizens’ security, how can we expect that people’s happiness can beguarrantied? Only in a country where everything is in order and every one livesin peace, may persons pay their attention to seek what they really want at the mental level and enjoy the happiness.


Thesecond factor, I suppose, is one’s determination to do what they should dotowards happiness. Confronted with tough situations that inevitably met on theroad, some people may lose their confidence and hope and stop moving forward.For those people, happiness will be an luxurious daydream, easy to imagine butdifficult to achieve.


Last but not least, whether one can get happiness also depends on his attitude to life that is what he believes is the most valuable in his life. For example, somewho take family as the most important can obtain happiness only if he mayfrenquently enjoy joyful family life with his parents, wife and children. And some who only think money is the most essential will be dedicated to spend hislife time earning money to satisfy himself and acquire his happiness. For this kind of desire, usually, it is hard to bring happiness to people.


To sum up, besides of the enviormentwhere people live affects people’s pursuit of happiness, their determination and recognition to happiness is also important for them in seeking happiness.

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发表于 2010-9-29 20:32:22 |显示全部楼层
词汇挺丰富的,句式也挺灵活,虽然存在一些拼写和语法错误,但不影响整体的理解。  我自己也还在准备雅思,不知道大概你能拿多少分。

我觉得,问题是你的段落长短问题和论据的相互关联。 很明显你的第二个论点显得弱,第一第二和第三个论点间的逻辑性不强。

我想,你写作文之前可能没有很好的安排论点间的逻辑性就动笔了。

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发表于 2010-9-30 00:07:25 |显示全部楼层
2# Kinsimon 多谢了!真是一语中的。我自己也觉得写完后段落之间的逻辑性不好。
还是第一次准备这个。多谢指教了!呵呵。

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发表于 2010-10-8 12:35:33 |显示全部楼层
LZ写作功力基本不错的...但觉得有些长句写太长, 有时候是不必要的冗长,  影响文章的流畅度

比如
There is no doubt that theaverage degree of sense of happiness felt by citizens in coutries that suffer war and chaos is far lower than that experienced by peopple in peaceful countries.

你为啥就不能直接点说 Citizens in coutries that suffer war and chaos are generally less happy than those in a peaceful country.

Last but not least, whether one can get happiness also depends on his attitude to life that is what he believes is the most valuable in his life.

你可以说,  One's happiness also depends on his value and attidue to life.

除了类似这种没有必要的冗长句子以外,总体来说还是挺好的作文....

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RE: 剑4test2 task2-求拍 [修改]

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