Johnnyy作文贴

JohnnyyUID: 2923505

10月7日  独立


Nowadays, the shortage of energy was caused as a result of the industry developing and the energy wasting. Our lives have been threatened by limited energy resources. It is a high time that we advocate saving energy and taking some actions to protect our resources from abusing. The only effective way to encourage energy conservation is by increasing prices of energy such as gasoline and electricity. Don’t you think the prices of energy can never rise too high?

First of all, increasing prices of energy will encourage people to use energy reasonably. With the increase of prices also comes the increase of the cost of life. Those individuals who abuse energy resources that provide them with a convenience in the daily life are more likely to spend more money to pay their bills. Generally speaking, most of people can't afford such a high price; thereby they have to save energy in order to save money. When people do that, they actually contribute to energy conservation.

What's more, we are forced to explore new energy resources like sunlight, water power and other effective resources by increasing prices of normal energy. With the increase of normal energy prices, it is seems to be relative economic to explore new energy resources. In that case, people will tend to use less gasoline and electricity. Nor does this measure cause any damage to people's life on the one hand and waste energy on the other hand.

In addition, factories will also display positive attitudes when asked how to respond the increase of energy prices if they are forbad use so much normal energy. They are going to make a plan to improve produce rates which helps them produce more products with less consumption. You must remember the climate summit in Copenhagen, most countries were concur that reducing the consumption of normal energy is the most crucial factor in case of climate change and energy lack. If we want to achieve this goal, we have to increase prices of energy.

Believe it or not, only by increasing prices of gasoline and electricity, can we built a resource conservation society, and these action will benefits more than our generation in a long term.

野猫胡同UID: 2453758

Nowadays, the shortage of energy was caused as a result of the industry developing and the energy wasting.(读上去有点怪怪的，如果用原因导致结果的话感觉会更加顺通点吧，建议也可以用一下套句：it can not be doubted that outgrowth of industry and overwhelming consumption of energy have led to/played a leading role in the lack of energy.) Our lives have been threatened by limited energy resources（recourse loss？）. It is a high time that we advocate saving energy and taking some actions to protect our resources from abusing.（abuse用的真好~！） The only effective way to encourage energy conservation is by increasing prices of energy such as gasoline and electricity. (是不是说尽量不要用原句的样子~，可以的话还是改下句型吧。~) Don’t you think the prices of energy can never rise too high?
: V" g! [/ H6 _8 T, E: y. t5 kFirst of all(initially, fundamentally,originally*), increasing prices of energy(prices boom?) will encourage(drive) people to use energy reasonably. With -the increase of prices(pricing increasing) also comes the increase of the cost of life(more expenditure). Those individuals who abuse(squander) energy resources that provide them with a convenience in the daily life(facilitate their daily life) are more likely to spend more money to pay on their the incoming bills. Generally speaking,admittedly,(用一个让步) most of people can't afford such a high price; thereby they have to save energy in order to savefor money. When people do that, they actually contribute to energy conservation.; P" E4 i1 v& L


What's more, we are forced to explore new energy resources(materials) like sunlight, water power and other effective resources by increasing prices of normal energysources. With the increase of normal energy prices, it is seems to be relatively economical to explore exploit new energy resources. In that case, people will tend to use less gasoline and electricity. Nor does this measure cause any damage to people's life on the one hand and waste energy on the other hand. (用as well as是不是简洁一点~。感觉on the one hand和on the other hand 用来连接句子比较好。)
In addition, factories will also display positive attitudes when asked how to respond the increase of energy prices if they are forbad use so much normal energy.（好像有点复杂的样子~，是不是用个attitude towards?） They are going to make a plan to improve produce rates（efficieny） which helps（aids to） them produce more products with less consumption. You must remember the climate summit in Copenhagen,.
most Most countries were concured that reducing the consumption of normal(ordinary，usual？normal感觉是正常的~) energy is the most crucial factor in case of climate change and energy lack. If we want to achieve this goal, we have to increase prices of energy.
Believe it or not, only by increasing prices of gasoline and electricity, can we built a resource conservation society, and these action will benefits more than our generation in a long term.

*连接词可以看下这个帖子~：http://www.ibtsat.com/archives/1791
第一次也是第一次改作文~，请多多指教的说。有些表达不是很清楚，用and的地方没有很清楚的并列关系，是不是可以分开写成两句，或者用状语的来表达。建议，写作的时候多多变换下句型还有词汇，综合写作的时候也用的到哈~

野猫胡同UID: 2453758

用word粘的。。好像不是很清楚~。下次会注意的~~

taotaodekuaile8UID: 2843043

Nowadays, the shortage of energy was caused as a result of the industry developing and the energy wasting. Our lives have been threatened by limited energy resources. It is a high time that we advocate saving energy and taking some actions to protect our resources from abusing. The only effective way to encourage energy conservation is by increasing prices of energy such as gasoline and electricity. Don’t you think the prices of energy can never rise too high?(这句来得有点突然）
        First of all, increasing prices of energy will encourage people to use energy reasonably. With the increase of prices also comes the increase of the cost of life. Those individuals who abuse energy resources that provide them with a convenience（有点儿别扭） in the daily life are more likely to spend more money to pay their bills. Generally speaking, most of people can't afford such a high price; thereby they have to save energy in order to save money. When people do that, they actually contribute to energy conservation.
      What's more, we are forced to explore new energy resources like sunlight, water power and other effective resources by increasing prices of normal energy. With the increase of normal energy prices, it is seems to be relative economic to explore new energy resources. In that case, people will tend to use less gasoline and electricity. Nor does this measure cause any damage to people's life on the one hand and waste energy on the other hand.
    In addition, factories will also display positive attitudes when asked how to respond the increase of energy prices if they are forbad use so much normal energy. They are going to make a plan to improve produce rates which helps them produce more products with less consumption. You must remember the climate summit in Copenhagen, most countries were concur that reducing the consumption of normal energy is the most crucial factor in case of climate change and energy lack. If we want to achieve this goal, we have to increase prices of energy.
Believe it or not, only by increasing prices of gasoline and electricity, can we built a resource conservation society, and these action will benefits more than our generation in a long term.
总体来说写得很流畅

JohnnyyUID: 2923505

2# 野猫胡同

网站谢谢拉~

JohnnyyUID: 2923505

10.08  独立

With the development of technology, those children who live the modern society that would be naive, active and imaginative are more likely to step on the opposite way. Generally speaking, today’s children are more carefree than they were in the past. However, there is a well-known phenomenon which you absolutely not deny that the children today are relatively uncreative when compared to the foretime. What leads to this fact is technology, and then I'll offer a couple of reasons for that.
Initially, the inventions in the recent 100 years such as television and computer have a significant effect on our children. For instance, if a child set in front of the TV during the whole childhood, there is no doubt that he or she will incredibly dull and inactive. Because this child simply accepts the messages which the television transmits never think about them. In a long term, the child will take surrounding everything for granted which is causes an uncreative and incurious personality.
Subsequently, with the development of technology also comes the improvement of life. Nowadays children can easily obtain the articles they desire without through their own power. Admittedly, those innovations like washing machine, cellphone and other exciting equipment make our life more convenient, they make our children lazy as well. All needs of children will be gratified with science creations so that they have no reason to create a new gadget in order to achieve their goals. I guess that’s also the reason why some people today sent their babies to the country where away from the modern society.
Ultimately, the lack of communication also results from the advanced technology, and that will directly cause our children become introversive and sluggish. Since our children can be satisfied with the technology, they are unnecessary to have a conversation with others. Gradually, they are more and more lonely and silent. In that case, they will have no chance to gain some novel opinions from others. That’s truly a pity!
All in all, we are not supposed to let the technology take up our children's life. They extremely need a sense of creation and curiosity toward this colorful world.

米爆爆UID: 2892134

已改。

JohnnyyUID: 2923505

10,9  独立

When it comes to advertisement, which is a controversial topic has been last many years. Some people hold the opinion that advertisement is useless since customers have their own judgments toward merchandise. They strongly believe that customers are hardly influenced by all kinds of advertisements that companies show in order to appeal to them. Other people include me; however, have an opposite perspective that advertising is an effective approach which brings a plethora of advantages to companies and their commodities. In the modern economy, competitions between corporations necessitate advertisements to improve interest and beat other rivals. Here are some consequential agents and examples for that.
Initially, advertisements play a powerful role in customers shopping habits. Most of us would meet different sorts of advertisements every day and everywhere. Through this process these advertisements would automatically infiltrate people's minds and impress them so that they could be recalled easily when a person is shopping. Take myself for example; basketball shoes are indispensable to me as I like playing basketball. Once I want to buy a pair of shoes, NIKE will appear in my minds as soon as possible. What causes this phenomenon, I guess, is that I always be surrounded by NIKE's advertisement on the streets, in the radios and on the Internet. Therefore,
It is natural to me that come up with NIKE immediately and choose it.
Subsequently, a remarkable advertisement could improve a company's popularity and customers' favors. Actually, advertisements exactly represent companies they publicize. Those enterprises that make a splendid advertisement that provides them with an advantage in its business are more likely to survive in the war of commerce. There is a possibility that customers purchase your company's merchandises simply because of appreciating your advertisements instead of it. As long as advertisement effect turns into brand effect, there is no reason in the world that you will separate away from money.
Ultimately, advertisement helps customers have a better understanding of goods' qualities. People decide whether they will buy something or not on the basic of their recognitions toward them. Merchandises will be introduced thoroughly by advertisements so that people can know if they will gratify with their demands. For instance, as a rule, an advertisement will tell people that what this merchandise is use for, what is its advantages and how to use it. Only through this process, can companies sell their equipment’s successfully.
Taking all these factors into account, don’t we think advertising is in vain? The answer is absolutely no. Advertisements are incredibly necessary for business. A corporation is supposed to make a wide variety of magnificent advertisements in order to please customers, obtain profits as well.

xjf1023UID: 2676396

10.8 已改

S酱UID: 2883188

8# Johnnyy

When it comes to advertisement, which is a controversial topic has been last many years(貌似没提到什么东西controversial，而且which是我很的重句因此when的下句木有？）. Some people hold the opinion that advertisement is useless since customers have their own judgments toward merchandise（我觉得这个改写句子不错，但是意思和原文有些错位，这个更具体的）. They strongly believe that customers are hardly influenced by all kinds of advertisements that companies show in order to appeal to them. Other people include me;（注意标点） however, have an opposite perspective that advertising is an effective approach which brings a plethora of advantages to companies and their commodities. In the modern economy, competitions between corporations necessitate advertisements to improve interest and beat other rivals. Here are some consequential agents and examples for that.7 [! g3 c. C9 s4 h
Initially, advertisements play a powerful role in customers ' （注意标点）shopping habits. Most of us would meet different sorts of advertisements every day and everywhere. Through this process these advertisements(关系？) would automatically infiltrate people's minds and impress them so that they could be recalled easily when a person is（they do 很前面they对应） shopping. Take myself for example; basketball shoes are indispensable to me as I like playing basketball. Once I want to buy a pair of shoes, NIKE will appear in my minds（mind） as soon as possible（换个词，感觉你脑子想到nike不是主动的而是自然想到的意思～）. What causes this phenomenon, I guess, is that I always be（I am always） surrounded by NIKE's advertisement on the streets, in the radios and on the Internet. Therefore,
It is natural to me that come up with NIKE immediately and choose it.（这句有点问题～）
Subsequently, a remarkable advertisement could improve a company's popularity and customers' favors. Actually, advertisements exactly represent companies they publicize. Those enterprises that make a splendid advertisement that provides them with an advantage in its business are more likely to survive in the war of commerce. There is a possibility that customers purchase your（不要用第二人称） company's merchandises simply because of appreciating your advertisements instead of it. As long as advertisement effect turns into brand effect, there is no reason in the world that you will separate away from money.$ H1 [7 Q: [6 \' \. O6 r0 X
Ultimately, advertisement helps customers have a better understanding of goods' qualities. People decide whether they will buy something or not on the basic of their recognitions toward them. Merchandises will be introduced thoroughly by advertisements so that people can know if they will gratify with（去掉 gratify 是vt） their demands. For instance, as a rule, an advertisement will tell people that what this merchandise is use for, what is its advantages and how to use it. Only through this process, can companies sell their equipment（设备～最好换个universal的词） successfully.
Taking all these factors into account, don’t we think advertising is in vain? The answer is absolutely no. Advertisements are incredibly necessary for business. A corporation is supposed to make a wide variety of magnificent advertisements in order to please customers, obtain profits as well.建议最后还是点下题～～

总的来说写挺好的，用词用句都是斟酌过的感觉～论证也挺好挺清晰明确的～
注意点细节别犯错误就行了～

taylor.1023UID: 2713071

很抱歉，改晚了。请看附件噢。

野猫胡同UID: 2453758

写的很好诶><..基本木有动啥。细节注意就好啦~

JohnnyyUID: 2923505

Sports are popularize accompany with the development of human society. The origin of sports could back to the ancient Greece or even earlier. People at that time view sports as part of life, which are indispensable just like learning for surviving better. In the modern society, the definition of sports is not just for survive but more richness. Those individuals who are accomplished in sports that provide them a plethora of profound sights of life are more likely to be esteemed. For the reason that sports can not only build our strength, but also teach us lessons about life. Then I will state several reasons and examples for that.
First and foremost, we have a chance to receive something beyond your expectation through sports. On the one hand, we could gain splendid characteristics such as perseverance. For example, I once joined a marathon in order to inspire myself in rough life. There was so many time that I wanted to quitted, but finally I finished. After such a long and arduous journey, I got a feeling that there was nothing can stopped me since I gained perseverance. On the other hand, sports enrich my social life, because I can have chances to make new friends and keep strong friendship with my teammates through the matches.
Sequentially, people who are addicted to sports undoubtedly have a role model who possesses a wide variety of advantages or positive attitudes toward life that encourage you to overcome different kinds of frustrations. Take myself for instance; I used to adore an NBA star, Iverson. He was born in a slum but became one of the most outstanding basketball players. When I wanted to give up, I always reminded his history of struggle which tells never give up easily. Actually, what I mean that as long as you know the spirits of the sports, even though you are not the most talented, you can also enjoy a meaningful life.
Ultimately, only by exercising, can we found beauties and happiness around us easily. When we exercise, our bodies would present magnificent sharps and our mood would be pleased by the joy of sports. It is known to us that sports facilitate our health and make us look younger magically so that no matter what situation we are in, we always have an optimistic attitude toward life and always love tithe most significant lesson that sports teach us, I suppose, is that we must enjoy our life, family, friends and other consequential elements we cherish and never give up them.
Sports to us what water to fish. According to my understanding, sports teach people how to deal with life. All of us will receive a most unforgettable lesson from sports in our lifetime.

generalidUID: 2824377

13# Johnnyy

文章结构清晰，开头，中间三段和结尾的内容都点到了，特别是开头和结尾写得不错。
中间三段例证部分中，小艾的例子不错，同感。但是其他例证不强
我个人推荐，不用这样的句子“take myself for example”, 这样让读者感觉作者知识面有限。可以举一些名头响点的，奥巴马，乔丹,小艾或者本拉登之类的，如雷贯耳，而且都是伟大而且更加真实的事迹。
举例证明， 首选是名人事迹或者名言，类似wastington(第一宣言), lincoln (家里穷，自学成才，演讲了得，盖茨的堡演讲)，rossevelt(下半身残疾，毅力可嘉)，kennedy(学历好，上过stanford, yale, 等至少4个名校),obama (第一黑人,种族歧视，哈佛高材生),或者科学家之类或者音乐家之类的，屡试不爽，而其例证性强，美国打分的评论人更希望看这个。
次选 一些统计数据，可以弄虚作假，只要不离谱就好
最差的是讲故事， 我们大部分人写作都在讲故事。

作文首先看的是内容，其次是结构。 强有力的事实能够弥补很多不足。

JohnnyyUID: 2923505

:handshake谢谢 看的很仔细啊
恩很有道理，虚心学习了:loveliness: