[emulate]小组_issue43_zleung

zleungUID: 2837752

刚开始写issue，抄的成份多，虚心求教~
题目：  
To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highestethical and moral standards.
一个公仆(公职人员)如果想成为一位杰出的领导者就必须保持最高的伦理和道德标准。

提纲：
1，最高的偷道德准则固然在人类社会中起着重要的作用，在某些领域最高的伦理道德准则是必须的。
2，而公职人员需要有一个道德底线来保证最基本的行政效率，过低的道德水准会产生严重影响。
3，在政治经济方面，最高的道德准则却并不是一个领导人的首要职责。
4，总之，基本的道德准则是必须的，而最高的道德水准却与效率没有多大关系。

字数：421
正文：
       The speaker asserts that a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards to be an effective leader. I concede that high ethical and moral standards are necessary in our society, but they also encumber the executive processes.
      Admittedly, ethical and moral standards play an important role in restricting people's behavior and forming a regulative society, they tell us from right and wrong, they forbid people to hurt one another. Highest ethical and moral standards are prerequisites for successful social-leadership. Consider notable figures such as Gandhi and Martin Luther King, they themselves are the examples of leading others to practice highest ethical and moral standards they which they advocated.
       Officials must meet the basic moral and ethical standards. Without ethic and morality, a leader is likely to slump into endless personal desire, which may trap him into swamp of censure from public and being investigated by the judicial, and spares little time and effort in his own work, even go to the end of his career. Consider President Nixon as an example, his contempt for the very legal system that afforded him his leadership led to his forfeiture of it. In the short term unethical behavior might serve as a tool for a leader to preserve his or her power; yet in the long term such behavior invariably results in that leader's down-fall.
      The maintenance of basic ethical and moral standards as prerequisites is one thing, while complying with the standards as highest criterion is another. In the political realm, a leader's job is to build, maintain, and expand the wealth and political influence of his nation or state; in the business realm, a leader's primary concern is achieving the goal of profit maximization of a firm's shareholders or other owners. Moreover, the prevailing view in Western corporate culture is that by maximizing profits a business leader fulfills his or her highest ethical and moral obligation. Bill Clinton, though having an improper sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky, maintained an extraordinary high approval ratings for what he'd done as a president; though Siemens, the largest engineering conglomerate in Europe, was trapped into several financial controversies, it contributes a lot to industry and healthcare of the world and wins respect from people for its preciseness.
      To sum, history informs us that effective social-spiritual leadership requires adherence to high standards of public morality. However, when it comes to business and politics, leaders should necessitate the basic requirements of morality and ethic, while highest moral and ethical standards have little to do with efficiency.


Reference:
1,https://bbs.gter.net/archiver/tid-206832.html
2,https://bbs.gter.net/redirect.php?tid=1180485&goto=lastpost
3,GRE北美范文

steveDavisUID: 2809708

lz好，我这周替请假的Blair同学参与互改。
语言非常不错，跳不出什么毛病。
我在互改之前也看了一下组长推荐的指导互改的帖子
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=670640&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Ddigest
这篇很强调思路和逻辑的重要性。反观本文，我觉得思路有些单一，还有一些层面可以挖掘，文章不够丰满。
看了lz的文章之后，我又改了一下我的习作，因为我发现我也有这个问题，那就是例子不是摆上了就可以了，要充分展开。例子就像土豆一样，跟不同的主题搭配可以有不同的风味。本文中也有不少例子，尼克松、克林顿、西门子，可惜没有展开。

steveDavisUID: 2809708

而且我不是很理解西门子的例子

Andrew_zwiUID: 2670942

一个小提醒：英文作文开头不空格，都是顶格。分段要空一行
The speaker asserts that a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards to be an effective leader. I （concede）这个词感觉不好，它有不情愿的意思。可以换成approve of that high ethical and moral standards are necessary in our society, but they also encumber the executive processes.

Admittedly, ethical and moral standards play an important role in restricting people's behavior and forming a （regulative）好！ society, they tell us from right and wrong, they forbid people to hurt one another they forbid people from hunting each other. Highest ethical and moral standards are prerequisites for successful social-leadership. Consider notable figures such as Gandhi and Martin Luther King, they themselves are the (如果加一个形容词就更好了 如：illustrated, good, impressive, striking,)examples of leading others to practice highest ethical and moral standards they which they advocated.

Officials must meet the basic moral and ethical standards. Without ethic and morality, a leader is likely to( slump into )好！endless personal desire, which may trap him into swamp of censure from public and being investigated by the judicial, and spares little time and effort in his own work, even go to the end of his career. Consider President Nixon as an example, his contempt for the very legal system that afforded him his leadership led to his forfeiture of it. In the short term unethical behavior might serve as a tool for a leader to preserve his or her power; yet in the long term such behavior invariably results in that leader's down-fall.（本段写的非常好。）

The maintenance of basic ethical and moral standards as prerequisites is one thing, while complying with the standards as highest criterion is another. In the political realm, a leader's job is to build, maintain, and expand the wealth and political influence of his nation or state; in the business realm, a leader's primary concern is achieving the goal of profit maximization of a firm's shareholders or other owners. Moreover, the prevailing view in Western corporate culture is that by maximizing profits a business leader fulfills his or her highest ethical and moral obligation. Bill Clinton, though having an improper sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky, maintained an extraordinary high approval ratings for what he'd done as a president; though Siemens, the largest engineering conglomerate in Europe, was trapped into several financial controversies（是行贿案吗？）, it contributes a lot to industry and healthcare of the world and wins respect from people for its preciseness. （Siemens 这个例子少人用，很新颖。）

To sum,( history informs us)太中国话了，改改 that effective social-spiritual leadership requires adherence to high standards of public morality. However, when it comes to business and politics, leaders should necessitate the basic requirements of morality and ethic, while highest moral and ethical standards have little to do with efficiency.

本篇issue写的还不错。结构和框架很有逻辑。有几处用词造句都非常值得学习。
但是开头连贯性不足，转述作者观点后，马上表面自己观点有点突兀
其次第二段一来就用admittedly 感觉很怪，一般让步都在最后几段落。
总体很不错。加油啊！！ ^_^

zleungUID: 2837752

2# steveDavis 非常感谢你对我作文做出的评论，你提出的作文中的问题也是我最不足的一点：逻辑混乱，我也很清楚这一点。我想听一下你的具体修改意见，比如如何整理一下这篇作文的逻辑。谢谢！那个我用西门子的例子其实是想说虽然西门子丑闻违背了道德，但是它对人类的贡献是巨大的。

steveDavisUID: 2809708

两段改写见下楼，和Andrew与楼主的几次切磋收获很大，本人have all due respect希望楼主treat it with good humor
5# zleung

steveDavisUID: 2809708

The speaker asserts that a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards to be an effective leader. I concede that high ethical and moral standards are necessary in our society, but they also encumber the executive processes.
这一段encumber用的非常好，但是executive processes有待商榷，什么的执行过程？最后一句话不全面，难道高标准不好吗？in our society有些跑题，不是说领导人吗，再者开头没表现出作者在倒数第二段提出的最高标准不是必要的论点。
    The speaker asserts that a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards to be an effective leader. This assertion has some merit in that high ethical and moral standards are not only admirable but also necessary for public officials, however, maintaining highest standards is too rigid and may even excumber the development of our society, under some certain circumstances.
    Admittedly, ethical and moral standards play an important role in restricting people's behavior and forming a regulative society, they tell us from right and wrong, they forbid people to hurt one another. Highest ethical and moral standards are prerequisites for successful social-leadership. Consider notable figures such as Gandhi and Martin Luther King, they themselves are the examples of leading others to practice highest ethical and moral standards they which they advocated.

Officials must meet the basic moral and ethical standards. Without ethic and morality, a leader is likely to slump into endless personal desire, which may trap him into swamp of censure from public and being investigated by the judicial, and spares little time and effort in his own work, even go to the end of his career. Consider President Nixon as an example, his contempt for the very legal system that afforded him his leadership led to his forfeiture of it. In the short term unethical behavior might serve as a tool for a leader to preserve his or her power; yet in the long term such behavior invariably results in that leader's down-fall.
这两段是写的本文中失败的一部分，恕我直言。介绍尼克松例子的那句话缺乏针对性，对司法体制的蔑视和本文关系不大，well-focused。就像我说的，要烹饪一下体现出针对性。如果这样理解，第二段总写道德标准，第三段谈领导人和道德。那么
第二段末尾甘地和金的例子怎么算呢，同样这个例子也没有表现力。
要是我写的话，可以先总说道德，然后分两个层面，一是高标准产生感召力，二是不道德十分危险。
Moral standards are based on our opinion about what is good and what is wrong. Maintaining the highest moral standards means persist in your faith no matter how hard it is and resist temptations no matter how alluring they are. Few people would imagine themselves doing that, considering the difficulty. But if a public leader can successfully maintain highest moral standards, he will be invincible and gain lasting prestige. Mahatma Gandhi who refused all kinds of pleasure for Independence of India and remained his composure in the face of terror and death, infused millions of Indians with the faith that they are certain to get what they deserve. Gandhi’s contribution to India’s Independence cannot be overestimated. However, one of most undesirable things about this imperfect world is that it is human to be tempted, public officials are no exception. A public official should maintain high moral standards,becase if people find they don't, they will have a hard time, as Nixson and Clinton had experienced.
    改写了两段，献丑了。
欢迎针对评论，改写部分进行讨论。

zleungUID: 2837752

4# Andrew_zwi 感谢组长和修改，我认为concede作用就是体现在了“不情愿”上了，这样可以表现我对speaker观点的不认同;我在北美范文上看到好多文章也用了concede，你怎么看待？我记得让步不是在前面吗？

Andrew_zwiUID: 2670942

8# zleung

关于LZ提出concede的一词，是我理解错了，当初理解LZ是说，领导者要保持高的道德标准，而不用保持最高的道德标准，所以这里的不情愿表达不当。

让步在前面，我个人觉得很怪。
因为，一般我们都是先表达自己的观点，然后论述自己观点，最后补充一下，让步一下。 如果一来就让步段，感觉作者论点不突出。而且会有种突兀的感觉，好像作者再反驳自己的观点。以LZ本篇文章为例，LZ认为最高道德标准与效率并无明显关系，第一段就说 道德标准很重要。这就让人不明白作者到底是支持还是不支持了。