第一篇issue 求拍砖

fengyinyangUID: 2321139

1.
a nation shouldrequire all its students to study the same national curriculum until they entercollege rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determinewhich academic courses to offer." 【5】
一个国家应该要求所有的学生在进入大学之前都学习由国家统一制定的课程，而不是允许由国家不同地区的学校去决定课程的安排。


没限时，花了将近一个小时才写好。


As it asserts, the students from schools in different regionshould take the same national curriculum until they enter the college. It isappealing to consider that same curriculum can result in a standard criterionto measure the performance of students from the whole nation and thus ensurethe admission process fair for all the student and built a stable system ofknowledge for them.
However, suchregulation might lead to the loss of talent students whose interests are notrestricted to the certain curriculum.
First of all, a carefully designed same national curriculumcan firstly guarantee the student to gain a solid background for their futurestudy. Apparently, compared with most of the localized the school, thecurriculum developed by the expert on education would be probably more suitablefor the students. One has to admit that, before a nation adopts a curriculum,it may take years and hundreds of experts’ work to finish such a project.
For the situation in China, prior to officiallyadopt a new system, several schools will be the so called ‘experimental school’to test whether the system works well. Obviously, the sufficient feedback fromthe experiment can assure the quality of a certain curriculum. Thus, from thispoint of view, a same national curriculum could at least promise the quality ofthe education.
Secondly, the same curriculum would be easy for the collegeto make the unbiased decision for the admission. For the students who take thesame course before their college, a unified curriculum can be viewed as thesame education level and a national wide exam for the admission would be moreconvincing to represent the qualification of their applicants. For example, ifthe students from north have already learned advanced calculus during theirhigh school but the students from south only some basic derivatives, how shouldthe admission decision on the subject of mathematics made if the college wantto select their students from national wide? It is obvious that even the mosttalent students from south cannot solve the advance problem due to theirknowledge limitation. Therefore, such kind of curriculum is fair for thestudents from different parts of the nation when they are under considerationof admission.
However, although such kind of curriculum will lead to someobvious advantage over the localized curriculum, some deficiencies still exist.A curriculum designed for the whole nation sometimes would lack the acknowledgementthat situation in certain areas still differ from the rest of the nation. It isestimated that more than one fourth of the population in United States speaksSpanish instead of English. Thus the English education should be emphasized insuch area so that the language would not be a considerable problem for thenon-English speaking students. Also, such curriculum cannot cover all thepossible interest that a student from certain area would have. For example, thestudents from Silicon Valley have a great interest in computer science but ifthe designed curriculum only focus on history, mathematics and so on, thelimitation would probably prevent the students from his own interest. Thus, thecurriculum, which is personalized or localized, would probably more suitablefor the certain area.
To conclude, the same curriculum indeed has an advantagewhen considering the admission justice. But when it comes to the area with thesituation varies from other part of the nation, such curriculum will limit thedevelopment of students’ interest. Thus, in my opinion, a core curriculum whichis the same national wide mixed with several localized course would be a moreefficient education system for the schools from different parts of the nation .

fengyinyangUID: 2321139

额...这么悲催没人理...各位大牛赏个脸吧...

little2UID: 2110333

不好意思，不是大牛，看过，学习。

意韵甜心UID: 2956907

As (it) the speaker asserts, the students from schools in different regions should(小错误，虽然影响不大，但没有最好啦) take the same national curriculum until they enter the college. It is appealing to consider that same curriculum can result in a standard criterion to measure the performance of students from the whole nation and thus ensure the admission process fair for all the student and build(t) a stable system of knowledge for them.（文章里很多两个词都“黏”在了一起，让人读起来很费劲，这种小错误很容易避免的，希望LZ下次发文之前能够多复查几遍，先自己修改一下，看看有没有自己就能发现的毛病。）
However, such regulation might lead to the loss of talent students whose interests are not restricted to the certain curriculum.（这句话似乎表明观点要与出题人的观点相背离了，至少是不赞成的态度。）
First of all, a carefully designed (same) national curriculumcan firstly guarantee the student to gain a solid background for their future study. Apparently, compared with most of the localized (the) schools, the curriculum developed by the expert on education would be probably more suitable for the students. One has to admit that, before a nation adopts a curriculum,it may take years and hundreds of experts’ work to finish(我更倾向于用accomplish,finish表达的是结束的意思，比如finish classes，这句话的语境是完成) such a project.
For the situation in China, prior to officially adopt a new system, several schools will be the so called ‘experimental school’ to test whether the system works well. Obviously, the sufficient feedback from the experiment can assure the quality of a certain curriculum. Thus, from this point of view, a same national curriculum could at least promise the quality ofthe education.（这是开始论证的第一段，我开始看的时候觉得很费解，因为上一段表明的意思好像是要反对统一课程，但这一段又在说统一课程的好处。）
Secondly, the same curriculum would be easy for the college to make the unbiased decision for the admission. For the students who take the same course before their college, a unified curriculum can be viewed as the same education level and a national wide exam for the admission would be more convincing to represent the qualification of their applicants. （这句话我看了4遍才看懂LZ要说什么……是不是要说统一考试看成绩……view这个词完全把人弄晕了，其实完全可以分成两句话说，请LZ在考虑一下，我就不改了。）For example, if the students from north have already learned advanced calculus during their high school but the students from south only some basic derivatives, how (should) could the admission decision on the subject of mathematics made if the college want to select their students from national wide? It is obvious that even the most talent students from south cannot solve the advance problem due to their knowledge limitation. Therefore, such kind of curriculum is fair for the students from different parts of the nation when they are under consideration of admission.（还是支持题目观点的论述，这段里有很多故意拉长的句子，但完全没有点睛的作用，反而让人觉得很不通顺。）
However, although such kind of curriculum will lead to someobvious advantage over the localized curriculum, some deficiencies still exist.A curriculum designed for the whole nation sometimes would lack the acknowledgementthat situation in certain areas still differ from the rest of the nation. It isestimated that more than one fourth of the population in United States speaksSpanish instead of English. Thus the English education should be emphasized insuch area so that the language would not be a considerable problem for thenon-English speaking students. Also, such curriculum cannot cover all thepossible interest that a student from certain area would have. For example, thestudents from Silicon Valley have a great interest in computer science but ifthe designed curriculum only focus on history, mathematics and so on, thelimitation would probably prevent the students from his own interest. Thus, thecurriculum, which is personalized or localized, would probably more suitablefor the certain area.
To conclude, the same curriculum indeed has an advantagewhen considering the admission justice. But when it comes to the area with thesituation varies from other part of the nation, such curriculum will limit thedevelopment of students’ interest. Thus, in my opinion, a core curriculum whichis the same national wide mixed with several localized course would be a moreefficient education system for the schools from different parts of the nation .
后面两段已经不想再改了……我觉得整个文章的通顺程度非常有问题，前两段用的例子太本土了，没有说服力，也许中国人很容易就明白“实验学校”，但老外会觉得这么模糊的例子没法支持你的论点。
关于西班牙语和英语的例子还是可以深挖一下的，不要笼统的说，你可以找一些真正的数据来支持这个例子。
总的来说LZ的例子让人觉得并不是真实的，比如硅谷这个，不像是一个“例如”，而更像一个“假如”。
建议LZ先多看看北美的范文，其中也有这篇的范文，熟悉破题的思路以及引证的方法，在发到论坛上之前要先自己改几遍，自己觉得是最好了，再发上来。
我不是大牛，所以我宁愿用短小易懂的句子，而不是不容易驾驭的长句。如果LZ喜欢用长句，可以背一些例句，用的时候往里套，不过要小心抄袭侦测器……
可能拍了狠了一点……请LZ见谅。