Emulate小组 作业帖 Argument14

AK_小儿UID: 2784558

TOPIC: ARGUMENT14 - The following appeared in a memo from the owner of Green Thumb Gardening Center, a small business serving a suburban town.

"There is evidence that consumers are becoming more and more interested in growing their own vegetables. A national survey conducted last month indicated that many consumers were dissatisfied with the quality of fresh vegetables available in supermarkets. And locally, the gardening magazine Great Gardens has sold out at the Village News stand three months in a row. Thus, we at Green Thumb Gardening Center can increase our profits by greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds we stock for gardeners this coming spring."

In this argument, the arguer asserts that they can increase their profits by expanding the variety of vegetable seeds they stock this coming spring. He cited a national survey and a kind of gardening magazine's best selling at the Village News to strength his point view, which makes the conclusion persuasive at first glance. However, I think this conclusion is totally unconvincing for the reasons below.
First of all, I was wondering that whether a national survey could represent a condition of a small suburban town. Perhaps the national survey only investigated most major cities, not to mention that the authority of the survey is uncertain. And even if the survey is authoritative, we still can't make it convincing. The survey indicates the displeasure of consumers in the quality of fresh vegetables available in supermarket. But it doesn't mean that they will plant the vegetables themselves because it consumes much time and energy. And also there are lots of places to buy vegetables besides supermarket such as ordinary market for them to choose.
Secondly, the best selling of Great Gardens can't be the evidence also. The Great Gardens may be related to flower planting more than vegetables planting. People may just want to beautify their gardens and yard, which make the magazine popular. And though this magazine is about planting vegetables, it doesn’t indicate readers’ desire in planting themselves. Perhaps they just read it to enrich their knowledge without doing it own or make it an interest to pass the time. Also they may be interested in it this time but lose the interests soon.
Finally, even if the survey and the best selling of the magazine can reflect that the people in this suburban town do have a desire planting vegetables themselves, it doesn’t represent the measure of greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds can increase the profits. The variety of seeds may cause the costs’ increasing, which may lower the profit to some extent. And variety doesn’t mean better, because the people may only have interests with some of them. Then the others may be a waste, lowering the profit either.
In sum, the so-called evidences stated by the arguer are unjust when proving the conclusion. To make the conclusion convincing, he should make the survey authoritative and prove that the survey and the best selling of the magazine can reflect a desire of people there to plant vegetables themselves. He also should calculate the profit more accurate from more aspects.(words 414)

意韵甜心UID: 2956907

In this argument, the arguer asserts that they can increase their profits by expanding the variety of vegetable seeds they stock this coming spring. He cited a national survey and a best-selling (kind of) gardening magazine('s) at the Village News to strength his point of view, which makes the conclusion persuasive at first glance. However, I think this conclusion is totally unconvincing for the reasons below.
First of all, I was wondering that whether a national survey could represent a condition of a small suburban town. Perhaps the national survey only investigated (most) major cities, not to mention that the authority of the survey is uncertain. And even if the survey is authoritative, we still can't make it convincing. The survey indicates the displeasure of consumers in the quality of fresh vegetables available in supermarket. But it doesn't mean that they will plant the vegetables themselves because it consumes much time and energy. And also there are lots of places to buy vegetables besides supermarket such as ordinary market for them to choose.
Secondly, the best selling of Great Gardens can't be the evidence (also)either. The Great Gardens may be related to flower planting (more)rather than vegetables planting. People may just want to beautify their gardens (and yard), which make the magazine popular. And though this magazine is about planting vegetables, it doesn’t indicate readers’ desire in planting themselves. Perhaps they just read it to enrich their knowledge （without doing it own)or (make it an interest to) pass the time. (Also) they may （be interested in it this time but） lose the interests soon.
Finally, even if the survey and the best selling of the magazine can reflect that the people in this suburban town do have a desire of planting vegetables themselves, it doesn’t represent the measure of greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds can increase the profits. The variety of seeds may cause the costs’ increasing, which may lower the profit to some extent. And variety doesn’t mean better, because the people may only have interests with some of them. Then the others may be a waste, lowering the profit either.
In sum, the so-called evidences stated by the arguer are unjust when proving the conclusion. To make the conclusion convincing, he should make the survey authoritative and prove that the survey and the best selling of the magazine can reflect that people are willing to plant vegetables themselves. He also should calculate the profit more accurate from more aspects.(words 414)


红色为删除，蓝色为修改意见
LZ这篇文章整体思路跟我想的很相似，整篇也挺流畅的，不过好像ALSO用的太多了，有点中文语法的影子。
就几个细节提点意见，仅供参考。
1.同样意思换个说法好不好，这样看上去就是抄了一遍题而已。
2.strength换成prove？
3.investigate这个词我不太有把握，感觉更像是犯罪调查而不是普通的询问，但我也找不到除了survey之外的词……或者可以写成Perhaps the national survey only include major cities.或者Perhaps the national survey only represent the condition in large cities.
4. not to mention that the authority of the survey is uncertain. 这个是不是可以说成没有具体的数据来支持这一点，而且the word “unsatisfied” is ambiguous.
5.ordinary market 是不是换成grocery更好一些。
6.pass the time 换成Kill time 是不是更好点？
7.成本提高的理由应该展开说一下，比如仓储成本提高？

Andrew_zwiUID: 2670942

看到有人改了，自己也不才，帮LZ看了看。哈哈~
具体可以参看附件。

AK_小儿UID: 2784558

2# 意韵甜心
非常感谢，其实很多地方我就是抄了题目而已= =
我语言能力是比较匮乏，特别是句子的等意替换方面，如果不用一样的就需要想很久很久...
另外
2用prove是好一点
4我感觉这里提一下应该够了，因为主要是写survey的内容的漏洞，survey的权威性是几乎每篇argument都可以提到的，所以我只是带了一下。
5grocery是杂货店吧？？ 我感觉market应该就够了
6pass the time 和 kill time 都可以的
7确实该展开叙述一下，我主要是写到最后了就想赶快结束了吧...

意韵甜心UID: 2956907

grocery是食品杂货店的意思，如果想说蔬菜店也可以说green grocery

zleungUID: 2837752

1# AK_小儿 In thisargument, the arguer asserts that they can increase their profits by expandingthe variety of vegetable seeds they stock this coming spring. He cited anational survey and a kind of gardening magazine's best selling at the VillageNews to strength his point view, which makes the conclusion persuasive at firstglance. However, I think this conclusion is totally unconvincing for thereasons below.

Firstof all, I was wondering that whether a national survey could represent acondition of a small suburban town. Perhaps the national survey onlyinvestigated most major cities, not to mention that the authority of the surveyis uncertain. And even if the survey is authoritative, we still can't make itconvincing. The survey indicates the displeasure of consumers in the quality offresh vegetables available in supermarket. But it doesn't mean that they willplant the vegetables themselves because it consumes much time and energy. Andalso there are lots of places to buy vegetables besides supermarket such asordinary market for them to choose.

Secondly,the best selling of Great Gardens can't be the evidence also. The Great Gardensmay be related to flower planting more than vegetables planting. People mayjust want to beautify their gardens and yard, which make the magazine popular.And though this magazine is about planting vegetables, it doesn’t indicatereaders’ desire in planting themselves. Perhaps they just read it to enrichtheir knowledge without doing it own or make it an interest to pass the time.Also they may be interested in it this time but lose the interests soon.

Finally,even if the survey and the best selling of the magazine can reflect that thepeople in this suburban town do have a desire planting vegetables themselves,it doesn’t represent the measure(是method吧)of greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds can increase the profits.The variety of seeds may cause the costs’ increasing, which may lower theprofit to some extent. And variety doesn’t mean better, because the people mayonly have interests with some of them. Then the others may be a waste, loweringthe profit either.
本段只围绕variety进行了讨论，感觉比较单一,我建议再加两点,比如no evidence shows that GT in the onlychoice for people to get vegetable seeds, there are probably many other companieswho specialize in vegetable seeds; in addition, even if people choose GT, ratherthan providing seeds, such other methods as offering basic planting skills and other services are also available to increase profits. 这样我觉得更饱满一点,不过我写的也不好,有不足之处欢迎指正.
In sum,the so-called evidences stated by the arguer are unjust when proving theconclusion. To make the conclusion convincing, he should make the surveyauthoritative and prove that the survey and the best selling of the magazinecan reflect a desire of people there to plant vegetables themselves. He alsoshould calculate the profit more accurate from more aspects.(words 414)
其它部分论证的不错,加油!!另外注意字体用的大点，看得头疼，段落之间要空一行。

jefferysyUID: 2928828

楼主的文章确实改的人挺多的，具体的他们也都说了，我也看了，在最后还得提出一点建议 这是很值得借鉴的 这个是我写作时没注意的，整体感觉还是很不错