issue78 我的第一篇issue大家帮忙改改啊

boisUID：138441

我的第一篇issue，大家多提意见啊。我9月考作文，现在开始练能有多大提高呀？真后悔没早点开始练。

78"Schools should be required to teach the essential interconnectedness of all human beings and thus help eliminate wars, cultural clashes, and other forms of conflict."

Because of the rapid pace of diversification，conflict abounds in the world around us nowadays. It is advocated by some that schools should be required to teach the essential interconnectedness in order to eliminate conflict. Admittedly, a better knowledge of the interrelationship with each other does help people understand others more, thus perhaps reduce conflict to some extent. But I don’t think special teaching of the interconnectedness of human beings is needed.

      On one hand, the assumption that the lack of comprehension of the interconnectedness of human beings is the cause of conflict is not warranted. Take wars for example. It is true that in ancient times, the most common fuse of war is the divergence of ideology between two nations or races. Both sides could not abide the unbelievable heresy the other one held, nor did any of them wanted to judge or even listen to the doctrine of the other side with a sober mind. Besides, they all felt obliged to conquer the heretics in order to spread justice out. Thus a war broke out. But now the situation has changed a lot. With the rapid development of transportation and telecommunication, people are far better acquainted with each other. However, we can never be so lucky as to see the demise of war. It is just the better knowledge of the others that often provokes a conflict. The covetous nature of human beings drives one to invade others who are more affluent or have something that can arouse the aggressor’s greed. Moreover, if the invader knows well where the prospective victim’s vulnerabilities lie, he will be much more confident to accelerate and finally carry out his maleficence. In this sense, a better knowledge of the interconnectedness of each other does not help eliminate conflict; rather, it provokes hatred and conflict to some extent.

      On the other hand, conflict is not always the bane. Sometimes it’s blessing rather than curse. Due to the different geological, societal and traditional environment, different groups of people develop into highly diversified ones. It is just this diversification that makes our world so colorful and so animate. Culture clash is a good example to illustrate this. From different cultures--no matter it is ancient or modern--we can appreciate nearly all aspects of human wisdom. Though often conflicting with each other, the variety of documents and custom that is usually characteristic of a specific culture is a significant source to study human history, morphology and psychology. Therefore, there are certain kinds of conflict that we should not eliminate but rather maintain and even develop them.

      On balance, because the lack of knowledge of the interconnectedness of human beings can hardly be realistic due to the highly developed means of communication, the solution of the problems caused by conflict primarily requires us to take up a just and tolerant attitude towards divergence between us. Everyone has the right to follow his own principles and customs as long as he doesn’t do harm to others. We must respect others’ way of life if we want ourselves be respected. Respecting others and tolerating differences is the most efficient way to reduce conflict. If schools are required to teach something to eliminate conflict, it is this concept that should be instructed.

paisleyUID：64183

Because of the rapid pace of diversification，conflict abounds in the world around us nowadays. It is advocated by some (by some没必要) that schools should be required to teach the essential interconnectedness in order to eliminate conflict. Admittedly, a better knowledge of the interrelationship with each other does help people understand others more, thus perhaps reduce conflict to some extent. But I don’t think （尽量避免出现I think这样比较主观化的口气）special teaching of the interconnectedness of human beings is needed.

On one hand, the assumption that the lack of comprehension of the interconnectedness of human beings is the cause of conflict is not warranted. Take wars for example. It is true that in ancient times, the most common fuse of war is the divergence of ideology between two nations or races. Both sides could not abide the unbelievable heresy the other one held, nor did any of them wanted （前面有did,此处不需要再加ed）to judge or even listen to the doctrine of the other side with a sober mind. Besides, they all felt obliged to conquer the heretics in order to spread justice out. Thus a war broke out. But now the situation has changed a lot. With the rapid development of transportation and telecommunication, people are far better acquainted（这个词的含义感觉太浅，还是用understand吧） with each other. However, we can never be so lucky as to see the demise of war. It is just the better knowledge of the others that often provokes a conflict. The covetous nature of human beings drives one to invade others who are more affluent or have something that can arouse the aggressor’s greed. Moreover, if the invader knows well where the prospective victim’s vulnerabilities lie, he will be much more confident to accelerate and finally carry out his maleficence. In this sense, a better knowledge of the interconnectedness of each other does not help eliminate conflict; rather, it provokes hatred and conflict to some extent.

On the other hand, conflict is not always the bane. Sometimes it’s blessing rather than curse. Due to the different geological, societal and traditional environment, different groups of people develop into highly diversified ones. It is just this diversification that makes our world so colorful and so animate. Culture clash is a good example to illustrate this. From different cultures--no matter it is ancient or modern--we can appreciate nearly all aspects of human wisdom. Though often conflicting with each other, the variety of documents and custom that is usually characteristic of a specific culture is a significant source to study human history, morphology and psychology. Therefore, there are certain kinds of conflict that we should not eliminate but rather maintain and even develop them.

On balance, because the lack of knowledge of the interconnectedness of human （哇，你前面用了几个of啊）beings can hardly be realistic due to the highly developed means of communication, the solution of the problems caused by conflict primarily requires us to take up a just and tolerant attitude towards divergence between us. Everyone has the right to follow his own principles and customs as long as he doesn’t do harm to others. We must respect others’ way of life if we want ourselves be respected. Respecting others and tolerating differences is the most efficient way to reduce conflict. If schools are required to teach something to eliminate conflict, it is this concept that should be instructed.


我觉得写得不错哦！语言很好，流畅而且表达意思清楚。要是能更地道优雅些就更好了。
立意上也颇可取。有一定深度的说。

第二段再给你补充个例子。要说明“了解不等于爱”，有个人（忘记是谁了）说过，美国总统竞选时，无一不把对手了解得非常透彻。可是他们不能彼此相爱。国家和种族之间也一样。

paisleyUID：64183

希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。如果觉得自己的英文还不是特别好，那么不一定要改他们的词句, 提点结构上和想法上的建议也是好的。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！

boisUID：138441

谢谢paisley! 你提到的“了解不等于爱”比我第二段罗里罗嗦的一大片精辟多了，虽然写了那么多，我原来总觉得没有清楚地表达出意思，只是举例了。

我刚来，还不太熟悉。以后会多多和大家交流的！^_^