Argument166【StruggleToTriumph】by C_dump 1209

dumplingplusUID: 2762716

In the argument, the author concludes that Cold-Away is more effective than Coldex. The recommendation is based on the observation that Cold-Away appears on the market much longer and is used by more hospitals. A careful examination will reveal that the conclusion has suffered several fallacies.

To begin with, the author says that Cold-Away has been on the market for much longer, which cannot substantiate that Cold-Away is much better than Coldex. Much long time doesn't mean better effect for curing people. And existent time is not the indicator for evaluating a drug's effectiveness. It is probably that Coldex is an advanced drug which has been invented recently, and can deal with the disadvantages of Cold-Away. Experts may have integrated new technical achievements into Coldex to get a better curing result. So we can't arbitrarily judge which is better only by the using time.

In addition, we can't evaluate the performance of a drug according to the much more use by hospitals. Probably, Cold-Away is good at curing common patients, but Coldex is only helpful for unusual disease. Therefore, many hospitals have bought Cold-Away for numerous requirements. Yet, we can't ignore some commercial causes. For instance, Cold-Away is produced by famous company which has established a good relationship with most hospitals, or under the effect of the government, many hospitals have been required to buy Cold-Away by force. Of course, it is much possible that the company which produces Cold-Away has run for many years and has built a good figure on the market; most hospitals prefer to believe in them. But all of these can't convince Cold-Away's effectiveness as no experts have investigated the real situation for curing patients.

Lastly, it is mentioned in the argument that each brand is accusing the other of causing some side effect. Compared with drowsiness, high blood pressure seems more serious, so people prefer to accept Cold-Away which has a slight side effect. But we have to understand that no evidence has been provided to prove the existence of the two side effects. It is highly possible that the two companies have make rumors in order to decrease each other's sales. The side effect of drowsiness probably doesn't exist in Coldex. Therefore we cannot be confused by the so called side effect.

In conclusion, to strengthen it, the argument's proponent must consider and eliminate some explanations that Coldex is probably a new medicine with advanced technique, and that hospitals may not buy medicine according to its effectiveness. And existence of the side effects also should be investigated. Without ruling out these, the author can't conclude that Cold-Away is more effective.

sonicjamUID: 2507839

Argument 166 by Dump

In the argument, the author concludes that Cold-Away is more effective than Coldex. The recommendation is based on the observation that Cold-Away appears on the market much longer and is used by more hospitals. A careful examination will reveal that the conclusion has suffered several fallacies.

To begin with, the author says that Cold-Away has been on the market for much longer, which cannot substantiate that Cold-Away is much better than Coldex. Much long time doesn't mean better effect for curing people. And existent time is not the indicator for evaluating a drug's effectiveness.(感觉前面这两句话说的是一个意思) It is probably that Coldex is an advanced drug which has been invented recently, and can deal with the disadvantages of Cold-Away. Experts may have integrated new technical achievements into Coldex to get a better curing result. So we can't arbitrarily judge which is better only by the using time.

In addition, we can't evaluate the performance of a drug according to the much more use by hospitals. Probably, Cold-Away is good at curing common patients, but Coldex is only helpful for unusual disease. Therefore, many hospitals have bought Cold-Away for numerous requirements. Yet, we can't ignore some commercial causes. For instance, Cold-Away is produced by famous company which has established a good relationship with most hospitals, or under the effect of the government, many hospitals have been required to buy Cold-Away by force. Of course, it is much possible that the company which produces Cold-Away has run for many years and has built a good figure on the market; most hospitals prefer to believe in them. But all of these can't convince(convince是使sb.信服的意思，搭配好像不合适) Cold-Away's effectiveness as no experts have investigated the real situation for curing patients.

这一段的第一个例子提出了两种药品可能针对不同病症这一alternative explanation，不过题目中说了两种药品both…cold medication，既然同样都是治疗感冒的药物，在这里提出可能针对不同的病症是否有些不妥？即使一定要这么说，我觉得也应该给出具体的背景，怎么样不同的感冒会对药物会有不同的需求，否则像我这样的读者很容易感到困惑。

Lastly, it is mentioned in the argument that each brand is accusing the other of causing some side effect. Compared with drowsiness, high blood pressure seems more serious, so people prefer to accept Cold-Away which has a slight side effect. But we have to understand that no evidence has been provided to prove the existence of the two side effects. It is highly possible that the two companies have make rumors in order to decrease each other's sales. The side effect of drowsiness probably doesn't exist in Coldex. Therefore we cannot be confused by the so called side effect.

In conclusion, to strengthen it, the argument's proponent must consider and eliminate some explanations that Coldex is probably a new medicine with advanced technique, and that hospitals may not buy medicine according to its effectiveness. And existence of the side effects also should be investigated. Without ruling out these, the author can't conclude that Cold-Away is more effective.

(437 words)

对题目涵盖得很全面，结构也很清晰，不过感觉论证还不够strong，还可以更上一步，可以挑战一下更难更复杂的写法，继续加油~


Argument166 by Dump.doc (30 KB, 下载次数: 0)

2010-12-12 17:35:22 上传

下载次数: 0

dumplingplusUID: 2762716

2# sonicjam

好的，谢谢，呵呵！

Letitia_DUID: 2970714

先谢谢你上次帮我认真地改作文哦~~

In the argument, the author concludes that Cold-Away is more effective than Coldex. The recommendation【recommendation表建议 是不是conclusion 好一点】 is based on the observation that Cold-Away appears on the market much longer【appears表示动作，感觉和long搭配有点奇怪，或者说出现的更早好一些？】 and is used by more hospitals. A careful examination will reveal that the conclusion has suffered several fallacies.【However, this argument relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions and suffers from several critical flaws, which render it unconvincing.】

【本段总结】
观点明确，结构清晰，表达到位；
注意一下个别的用词和句子结构的多样性。

To begin with, the author says 【assumes?】that Cold-Away has been on the market for much longer, which cannot substantiate that Cold-Away is much better than Coldex. Much long time doesn't mean better effect for curing people. And existent time is not the indicator for evaluating a drug's effectiveness. It is probably that Coldex is an advanced drug which has been invented recently, and【是不是用but 表示转折更好一点】can deal with the disadvantages【是想表达解决问题吗？这是地道的用法吗？如果是就很值得学习】of Cold-Away. Experts may have integrated new technical achievements into Coldex to get a better curing result. So we can't arbitrarily judge which is better only by the using time.

【本段总结】
观点论述的很清楚，论据也较有力，再注意一下句子内部的逻辑关系

In addition, we can't evaluate the performance of a drug according to the much more use by hospitals【应该是根据医院的“使用数量”而评价吧，而不是根据“医院‘更多的使用’来评价”】. Probably, Cold-Away is good at curing common patients, but Coldex is only helpful for unusual disease. Therefore, many hospitals have bought Cold-Away for numerous requirements. Yet, we can't ignore some commercial causes. For instance, Cold-Away is produced by famous company which has established a good relationship with most hospitals, or under the effect of the government, many hospitals have been required to buy Cold-Away by force. Of course, it is much possible that the company which produces Cold-Away has run for many years and has built a good figure【reputation？】on the market; most hospitals prefer to believe in them. But all of these can't convince Cold-Away's effectiveness as no experts have investigated the real situation for curing patients.

【本段总结】
可以增加长句的使用，使句子的结构更加丰富，使文章更有表现力。

Lastly, it is mentioned in the argument that each brand is accusing the other of causing some side effect【unwanted side effect】. Compared with drowsiness, high blood pressure seems more serious, so people prefer to accept Cold-Away which has a slight side effect. But we have to understand that no evidence has been provided to prove the existence of the two side effects. It is highly possible that the two companies have make rumors in order to decrease each other's sales. The side effect【同上】of drowsiness probably doesn't exist in Coldex. Therefore we cannot be confused by the so called side effect.

In conclusion, to strengthen it, the argument's proponent must consider and eliminate some explanations that Coldex is probably a new medicine with advanced technique, and that hospitals may not buy medicine according to its effectiveness. And existence of the side effects also should be investigated. Without ruling out these【factors】, the author can't conclude that Cold-Away is more effective.

文章整体论述比较到位，观点清晰，结构安排较好。

行文流畅，逻辑合理。

可以增加文章句子组织的张力，使用长句，并注意句子的内部逻辑，长短句交错，使文章张弛有度。

很不错啦~~继续加油哦~