Issue目标5分，求指教改作文~~

快乐小水鱼UID: 2762984

复习Issue算算也有一个多月了，从法国回来后，连着十几天凌晨两点睡，一直在准备作文，坚信一份耕耘一份收获！！大家一起加油！~~~
麻烦大家帮忙看看我这篇文章~~觉得哪里不好尽管提~~

TOPIC: ISSUE203 - "The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the character of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or its heroines."

What kinds of people are eligible to be called as 'heroes' or 'heroines'? There are different definitions and limitations about the term, but one common character of heroes or heroines is that they all own certain qualities that are broadly approbated by the public. However, among all qualities of heroes or heroines, some can represent the character of a society while other qualities may be just limited to characterize a small portion of individuals instead of the whole society.

Those heroes or heroines who comply with the tide of the times and eventually promote social development can usually effectively exhibit the character of a society, no matter in the past or at the present. Hundreds years ago, society was still in a state of underdevelopment with the existence of slavery. At that time what society pursue most is freedom and equality because only when an environment filled with liberty and fairness is established can society have the possibility to step forward further. As we all know, Abraham Lincoln, who issued The Emancipation Proclamation in 1863 and triumphantly abolished slavery for equal human, presented those slaves what they wanted most---freedom, and thus was viewed as hero by the public. His amazing feat stressed a simple but basic character of society, that is to say liberty and equal rights, which is rightly the character of society at that time.

Nowadays, since freedom and equality have been fully realized, we become to transfer more attention from social problem to the advancement of scientific technology in order to bring a better life to human beings. Newly developed medical science and advanced Internet technology, high-speed transportation and efficient automation all have been the focus of public interest. Robert G.Edward, who was awarded the 2010 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine for his development of in-vitro fertilization, strikingly advanced treatment of infertility and substantiated the similar health statuses between IVF babies and ordinary babies. Even for infertile people, giving birth to their own children now becomes possible. His creative achievement shocked the world and undoubtedly leads to a significant reform in medical field. Robert is surely a hero who fully satisfies what our society is seeking now--- innovation.

However, some other giants are evaluated as heroes or heroines just because their preeminent skills in a certain field independent of the indication of social character. For instance, in terms of sports, Michael Jordan is famous for his outstanding technological skills in basketball; as to music, Michael Jackson is renowned because of his dulcet songs harmoniously matched with amazing dances; As regards painting, Leonardo da Vinci impresses the whole world through his world-famous work Mona Lisa. Actually, there are heroes and heroines in every field in any ages. Although those are all heroes leading and reaching the topmost honor in their own realms, they are only admired for their own tremendous achievement, till unable to represent the character of a whole society.

Rather than examining the qualities of heroes and heroines, there are still some better ways to exhibit the character of society, namely looking into people's way of living. It provides real information about society because people’s way of living truly shows citizens' common life and living habits. For example, reading newspaper on the underground with a package of fast food in our hand shows people’s pursuit of fast pace of living; going out by cars instead of bicycles and substituting traditional mail with fast-speed e-mail indicate citizen’s requirement of high efficiency both in life and in work; the advent of more gyms, private coaches and organic food express public consciousness of exercise and health.

In sum, heroes or heroines can be classified into several categories, in which those who lead to the progress of society can reflect the pursuit of a society while those who are famous just for their prodigious skills are only idols for the public. The character of a society must be completely evaluated from different aspects, not only its heroes or heroines but also citizens' living method.

笑会计UID: 2872606

看了几篇楼主贴的习作，目标很高嘛，向着5.5奋进啦。
优点我就不夸了，直接拍砖了。语言方面没有任何障碍，优点是写的很长，缺点也是写的很长，文章主线不够明朗。虽然思路很清晰，论点分的也很明确，但是阅卷官很难直接找到你的论点。比如说，看你的开头和最后一段，感觉最后一段点明中心点的比较明朗，但是在看前面的时候就只知道你是个二分法的论点，但不太知道你到底是想说什么

快乐小水鱼UID: 2762984

说的好，我自己也发现这一点了。开头不明朗主要是一开始我想特意去避免用一些很老套的词，什么In my observation, I agree, I think 啦之类的，但现在看看确实会导致文章论点不明确，不知道这个问题可以如何解决呢？
呵呵，字数一开始没这么多的，在改的时候又想到点东西所以加进去了，之后会注意的。 ：）
谢谢你的建议，很受用！ 2# 笑会计

四格马UID: 2810874

语言已经很不错了~羡慕啊~
但是最后第二段的better、real、truly等词都让我感觉到前面几段是浮云，这一段才是重点。
所以把整篇文章简化来看，逻辑还不甚清楚。继续加油！
仅仅个人看法，小心采纳哈~

zxzxy1988UID: 2386925

LZ强人啊，嘿嘿，语言优美~这个俺就不说了，主要是我的语言比较差，借助金山词霸的力量才搞定，汗...
不过个人认为，第三段，有点跑题...
第二段，LZ说，有很多在历史上造成重大影响，对社会进步有巨大贡献的人，比如林肯，怎样怎样，但是第三段说，现代社会的自由和平等已经实现的很好了，于是我们将目光转向了科技进步，然后就科技进步说了整整一段，个人认为这一段完全可以删掉，因为和LZ的论点基本没有关系...或者至少在这一段的最后点明一下，科技进步造就了更多的hero(e.g. Robert)，感觉这样好一些，不然真的不明白这一段存在的意义~

话说LZ写的真优美~

duoxunkingUID: 2754021

看了LZ的文章，发现一个比较重要的问题。
我觉得即使是辩证的思路，也应当有自己的想法，总感觉LZ在陈述事实——有些能代表，有些不能，那么通过character of hero来understand the character of society是好还是不好呢？这个问题不应该在结尾发展，而应该放在开篇highlight的地方体现出来，这样读者才知道你想说什么，你的观点是什么。
语言方面也不用过于追求长句，能把想说的说清楚就足够了，LZ语言功底真的很不错。
以上拙见，如果不妥，请无视。

快乐小水鱼UID: 2762984

说的是，说的是，指出了我的致命伤，我自己回头再看了一遍真的发现文章的思路不太清晰，让别人不知道我到底想要说什么。。。
但不知道应该如何改正这个问题呢？是开头段和每段首句的主题句应该更加明确吗? 然后每次举例子后是不是需要再加入更多一些自己的分析呀，就是把例子跟主题句结合起来说一说？ 6# duoxunking