[i习作temp] issue#130 处女作，求改！必回改！求小组！！ [复制链接]

season08
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发表于 2011-2-12 02:45:33 |显示全部楼层

#130: how children are socialized todaydetermines the destiny of society. Unfortunately we have not yet learned how toraise children who can help bring about a better society

The speaker asserts that the kind of way the children are brought upwith decided what kind of society we end up with. Even worse, we don’t knowwhat we should do to raise children can contribute a better society.In myopinion, the tone of the speaker not so much an authority who is describing thefact as an over-worried mother.

However,I fundamentally agreethat the children are the future of every nation.And how to raise the childrento be the better citizen is one of the most headache things down the ages. Thechildren who are brought up in a society which teach them to be friendly witheach other, help others when they need, work hard and so forth, barring anyunforeseen circumstance,they will become upstanding, warm-hearted and trustableadults. So will be the society, harmony and stable. Albeit there will stillhave myriad inevitable problems in future society, but by occasion of the faithpeople own for each other, they will figure those problems out.Take Denmark forexample,the education system in Denmark believes that the achievement of everystudent should be equal,nobody should be left behind.So the class won’t learnmuch more new knowledge until everyone in the class have acquired what theywere tought before.And as we all know,Denmark’s Happy Planet Index is almostthe top of the world though this country is suffered as much pain of recessionas the other countries.

Let’s take this issue more specifically. Speaking of ‘how’ tosocialize the children,it must relate with at least three aspects, the parent ,theschool and social atmosphere. And even the children themselves, which I chieflymean the inherent temperaments. Considering such complicated situations we needto take into account during socializing the children, I believe that there isno Golden Rule for how to successfully raise a better child. Comparing to ourneighbors, our relatives, our friends, we can easily find out that the waysthat parents raise their children are quite different. And yes, according topopular educational idea, we can roughly classify those into two categories,democracy and dictatorship which former receive more praises. But we shall notforget, some children brought up in democratic families still became drugdealers while three children in Tiger Mom(Amy Chua) family that what they haveto learn, what they should do in a day are all settled down by their mother allend up with going to the top universities in United States. As the givenevidence above, how we socialize the children at least should be specific andpersonal and that require the parents have a comprehensive mind to recognizewhat is the best for you own children.

Somehow I don’t believe there is a certain destiny of society or anindividual or a group of people can facilitate or destroy the society or itsfuture. Every society is always in the developing process and it has it ownway. After all the evolution our human beings have been through, the merits andthe evils are all the essential elements of making up who we are and how we behave.Unless children are strictly all brought up in a certain way and socialatmosphere also encourage that can provoke the craziest side of human beings,such cases are rare, but they do occur occasionally. Such as Chinese GreatProletarian Cultural Revolution and even worse, the darkest time of DrittesReich, but even these didn’t destroy the societies of China andGerman respectively, just gave them a painful pause or regression.

To sum up, if children are the future of the society, the parentsand the social atmosphere are the baton of children’s future. That means how wethink , how we believe, how we speak and how we behave will certainly have theinfluence on our next generation. Before we figure out what is the best way toraise children, we’d better think about how to be a better self.

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wangxue6677
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发表于 2011-2-12 06:12:35 |显示全部楼层

1# season08
The speaker asserts that the kind of way the children are brought up with decided what kind of society we end up with. Even worse（worse更糟，文中只是说 unfortunately，用while之类的we don’t know what we should do to raise children can contribute a better society.In my opinion, the tone of the speaker not so much an authority who is describing the fact as an over-worried mother. 第一段，第一句完全照抄题目，这样很不好。第二句没清晰的表达你的态度，太隐晦了。

However,I fundamentally agree that the children are the future of every nation.And how to raise the children to be the better citizens is one of the most headache things down the ages没看懂. The children who are brought up in a society which teach them to be friendly with each other, help others when they need, work hard and so forth, barring unforeseen circumstance,they will become upstanding, warm-hearted and trustableadults. So will be the society, harmony and stable. Albeit there will still have（be） myriad inevitable problems in future society, but by occasion of the faithpeople own for each other, they will figure those problems out.Take Denmark forexample,the education system in Denmark believes that the achievement of every student should be equal,nobody should be left behind.So the class won’t learn much more new knowledge until everyone in the class have acquired what theywere tought before.And as we all know,Denmark’s Happy Planet Index is almost the top of the world though this country is suffered as much pain of recessionas the other countries.这段思路混乱，举例没有代表性。题目主要是说孩子的社会性决定社会的命运，你推理的不能够充分说明吧

Let’s take this issue more specifically. Speaking of ‘how’ to socialize the children, it must relate with at least three aspects, the parent ,the school and social atmosphere. And even the children themselves, which I chiefly mean the inherent temperaments. Considering such complicated situations we need to take into account during socializing the children, I believe that there is no Golden Rule for how to successfully raise a better child. Comparing to our neighbors, our relatives, our friends, we can easily find out that the ways that parents raise their children are quite different. And yes, according to popular educational idea, we can roughly classify those into two categories,democracy and dictatorship which former receive more praises. But we shall not forget, some children brought up in democratic families still became drug dealers while three children in Tiger Mom(Amy Chua) family that what they have to learn, what they should do in a day are all settled down by their mother allend up with going to the top universities in United States. As the givenevidence above, how we socialize the children at least should be specific andpersonal and that require the parents have a comprehensive mind to recognize what is the best for you own children.
一二段应该相换

Somehow I don’t believe there is a certain destiny of society or anindividual or a group of people can facilitate or destroy the society or its future.变换句式！ Every society is always in the developing process and it has itits own way. After all the evolution our human beings have been through, the merits and the evils are all the essential elements of making up who we are and how we behave (how to behave).Unless children are strictly all brought up in a certain way and socialatmosphere also encourage that can provoke the craziest side of human beings,such cases are rare, but they do occur occasionally. Such as Chinese GreatProletarian Cultural Revolution and even worse, the darkest time of DrittesReich, but even these didn’t destroy the societies of China andGerman respectively, just gave them a painful pause or regression.

To sum up, if children are the future of the society, the parents and the social atmosphere are the baton of children’s future. That means how we think , how we believe, how we speak and how we behave will certainly have the influence on our next generation. Before we figure out what is the best way to raise children, we’d better think about how to be a better self.

我觉得你有点跑题了，思路不太清晰。
不好意思，说话有些严厉了，我也是新手，可能说的不对。

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