daily writing---jsutin234

hdchangieUID: 2402936

改好了

justin234UID: 2815444

3.30独立

jacksonboy424UID: 2998392

Do you agreeor disagree with the following statement:
People who gooutside are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages.

Withinrecent decades, with the development of the society, people who go outside arewhile facing more pressure on all kinds of aspects such as life, work and study,which make some people believe that staying in village would be happier andmore successful for without so many pressure and trouble they need to face.However, it is not the thing. Why? Because going outside posses many essentialspecial experience and chance that can hardly be provided by staying invillage. For the better development prospect, I prefer going outside to lookfor more successful and happier life.

Firstof all, going outside greatly acquires the dissatisfied appetite （这句话学习了）of people for being success andhappy. Comparing the limitation of staying in village, going outside offersmore knowledge and experience that are the key factors for success and happy.Take art history as example, during 18 century, as the art capital of theworld, especially painting field, Paris attracted more and more people whodesired to become an artist to learn art there. For artist, Paris is not aplace to go; itis the place being necessary for all artists to be successful.这句话不太理解，是不是改成强调句的格式会更好些呢？


Whatis more, going outside provides more chance for people to be successful andhappier. Outside always while means more chance for people to choose thatpeople could rely on their own situation to do the things they are interest inand hence are more likely to be successful and happier. New York, （这里加上for example是不是比较好）, a big city where is full ofchance for all the people to pursue their own dream of success and happy wherethe small villages can not match. In this big city, it provide huge kinds ofpossibilities for people looking forward to, no matter struggling for ownbusiness or looking for one admired job.


Onemore thing, I have to admit that staying in village does not necessarily mean nothing（在否定句中nothing应该改成anything）. For example, as without thepressure on working or living, people living in small village are more likelyhappier than those going outside. However, with the seriously comparison, Istill think that going outside is one choice being more worthy to do,especially for youths who need more experience and opportunity to fulfill theirlifetime.


看过您给我的修改，非常感谢，就是关于时态的问题，您通篇使用的是一般现在时态，不知道这是不是有些不妥，如果我的想法是错的，那么就请教一下，文章中，什么时候应该用过去时。。。
我个人觉得，写托福作文最好是观点一边倒，您前面一直论述的是在城市比较好，可是在结尾的时候又表示住在乡村也不错，这样结尾貌似不是很好。据我看过的资料说，结尾段最好是首段观点的同义改写，以及中间段中例子概括。
您的遣词造句水平明显在我之上，我得好好学习，我提不出什么太好的意见……
我的水平有限，这是第一次写托福作文，如果有什么不对的地方，请多多指教

justin234UID: 2815444

3.31 独立

伶女UID: 2797207

3.31 revised

justin234UID: 2815444

4.01 独立

sun3mayUID: 2574771

4.1独立
改好了~

伶女UID: 2797207

4.1 revised

aurora0624UID: 3039878

3.30的独立修改，不好意思之前出去了。。。= =

justin234UID: 2815444

4.12独立

christina1949UID: 2992239

With the high rocketed（我晕，从来没见过这种用法，楼主这样的用法有保证吗？ With the rapid increasing development of the society更保险，楼主三思） development of the society, movies and televisions are more and more popular/deep into the people's life(这个句子是两个不同的句子，应该这么说movies and··· are more popular and tightly connected
with the people’s
daily
life). However, one’s issue is also concerned by people. Should movies and TV programs follow the standard of
(that这个是相等的关系不是从属的关系)good people being rewarded and bad people being punished? I admit that in certain scope movie and TV program are necessarily show people what is the real value,（这里究竟要表达什么意思，楼主改改吧） However, in many other situations, this is not the case, movies and TV have more multiplied meanings.

First of all, I have to admit that in certain aspect, movie and TV program should take role of education, especially for young kids. That is, the movie and TV program should show audience good people being rewarded and bad people being punished. This kind of educational movie and TV program could teach our young kids proper behaviors in the society or teenagers would imitate the violence shown on grogram and make behavior aggressively threatening to society. For example, during the 80s, when a movie called The Guilty being popular in Japan which told a story about gangs and their violent battles, the rate of juvenile delinquency also soared which account to（楼主要表达归结于···should be attributed to） a bad conduction from the movie.

However, except the education movie and TV program, many movie and TV program also show us more colorful and meaningful points
such as the views
of life. A movie, for instance, called Black Swan, well exploits the means (meaning) of life. The heroine is a ballerina who loves her ballet career so much and she is extremely particular to her dance and tries (to do) everything perfect. However, she finds(realizes) that she could not make her dance perfect as she expected (as desirable as she expected)and finally end her '(这个明显不用’)imperfect life. This is a sad story but is also tell me（us文中尽量避免第一人称） that we should have a well-planned life and focus on doing thing carefully rather than paying too much attention on the result.

Also, there are other kinds of movies and TV programs that do not necessarily to show audience good people being rewarded and bad people being punished, such as the documental Movie and TV program. The main role of these shows is to illustrate the real history and tell people what is
going in the past.（显然的时态不对what had happened in the future） That’s the reason why we might see good people got killed（别扭） by bad people in some documental movies.

In sum, I admit that as for the education mission of movie and TV show, in order to teach our future generation,（这句已经与educational重复 了） we should tell our next generation the proper standard. However, we also need to permit more varies kinds （aspects
为了不显重复还是去掉）of movies and TV programs to shows more aspects about the life.



少见的逻辑清晰的文章哟！！
流畅，然而词汇量有点缺乏，连词不够
是不是时间太紧张， 低级错误有点多，你可以先用word改了再上传
楼主的语法···如果对长句的操控能力不够（真的很多错误，有的我都没能力改），楼主可以采用简单的句子，逻辑一样可以清晰呀
一家之言，比较直接，楼主如果有意见可以反馈···我是真的觉得语言问题很大

christina1949UID: 2992239

改好了

Yvaine198831UID: 2956487

4。12 独立 改好