Argument 7【抽风之作】【coffee】

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TOPIC: ARGUMENT7 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Clearview newspaper.

"In the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview should vote for Ann Green, who is a member of the Good Earth Coalition, rather than for Frank Braun, a member of the Clearview town council, because the current members are not protecting our environment. For example, during the past year the number of factories in Clearview has doubled, air pollution levels have increased, and the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses. If we elect Ann Green, the environmental problems in Clearview will certainly be solved."
WORDS: 561
TIME: 00:29:19
DATE: 2011/3/10 15:59:17

The argument above seems to be well-presented at first glance; however, close inspection would reveal it fraught with vague and unwarranted claims in several aspects. Grounding on a comparison between two candidates of the next mayoral election, the speaker hastily concluded that Ann Green from an environmental organization is the better choice to be the mayor for solving the environmental problems. To strengthen his conclusion the speaker also cites that Clearview's air pollution is becoming worse for the council's decision of encouraging factories settled.

To begin with, the speaker simply equates being an effective mayor with solving environmental problems. It is well known what being a mayor needs various abilities, such as leadership, communication, kindness and so forth, to keep the town developing well. In this case, only through the ability of solving the environmental problems cannot illustrate that a person is fit for a mayor. Therefore, even if Ann Green does can solve the town's environmental problems, there is still a possibility that she may be weak on other sections. So the speaker's assertion that Ann Green should be voted for the next mayor is unconvincing.

Even assuming that whether a person could be an effective mayor mainly depends on the ability of solving environmental problems, Ann Green's suitability is still unwarranted. The only reason the speaker cited to support that Ann Green is able to solve such environmental problems is that she is a member of the Good Earth Coalition. It does not well support the claim. Maybe the motivation of Ann Green's participation is to serve to the mayoral election. Under this circumstance, the evidence indicates Ann Green is an environmental protector is weak.

On the other hand, the speaker asserts that another candidate, Frank Braun, would not protect the environment is also unsubstantial. Though he is a member of the town council, the members of which are regarded not protecting environment, this cannot represent that Frank Braun is also the same as other members. Perhaps he is the only one of who advocate environmental protection. Moreover, as a member of the town council, Frank Braun must know the town better than Ann Green, and he is probable to have some plan for the development. These may prove that Frank Braun is more suitable than Ann Green to be the mayor.

Furthermore, the claim that council is polluting the environment is open to doubt. There is no evidence to prove that a great number of factories located into the town are due to the council's promotion. Granted that these factories' locations are related to the town council, the speaker cannot provide any persuasive evidence to show the air pollution occurred after these factories' location. Contrarily, maybe these factories are environmental and they just product slight pollution. Moreover, the increasing number of patients with respiratory illnesses cannot illustrate the town's pollution is serious. The kind of respiratory illness is various, and maybe most of these patients were caught general cold or the town is suffering flu. Without considering such alternative explanations, the conclusion of the argument is unpersuasive.

In sum, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To bolster the argument the speaker must provide more details about these two candidates information for other abilities. Again the speaker would have to do some investigations to ensure that the town's pollution is due to the factories' threading and has harm to residents' health.

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学习了～

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错误：红色   修改评价：紫色   亮点：橙色   题目分析：蓝色

TOPIC: ARGUMENT7 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Clearview newspaper.

"【In the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview should vote for Ann Green】(结论), who is a member of the Good Earth Coalition (事实), rather than for Frank Braun, a member of the Clearview town council (事实), because the current members are not protecting our environment (推论). For example, during the past year (1) the number of factories in Clearview has doubled, (2) air pollution levels have increased, and (3) the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses(事实). If we elect Ann Green, the environmental problems in Clearview will certainly be solved. (推论)"




The argument above seems to be well-presented at first glance; however, close inspection would reveal it fraught with vague and unwarranted claims in several aspects. (模板句少用) Grounding on a comparison between two candidates of the next mayoral election, the speaker hastily concluded that Ann Green from an environmental organization is the (用不定冠词a) better choice for solving the environmental problems than Frank Braun (上文说two candidates，这里最好指出比较的双方). To strengthen his (this) conclusion the speaker also cites that Clearview's air pollution is becoming worse for the council's decision of encouraging factories settled (这句的因果逻辑完全是你臆想出来的，原题目中(1)(2)(3)事实是并列关系，根本没说工厂加倍导致空气污染，也没说工厂加倍是council的决定，如果你要提这个题目中的example，就3条都写，不要随便漏1条 To strengthen this conclusion, the speaker points out the doubled factories, the increased air pollution and more respiratory illnesses in the past year. But all the evidence is weak to support it.)
(首段思路不太对，少用模板句，2种思路：(1)把题目中的各种错误换种说法，简单的概括原题目 (2)一句话概括原题错误，下面几段再详细分析)

To begin with, the speaker simply equates being an effective mayor with solving environmental problems. (不错！一句话概括本段) It is well known what being a mayor needs various abilities, such as leadership, communication skills, kindness and so forth, to keep the town developing well. (接着写没有证据说明Ann比Frank的这些能力强) In this case, only through the ability of solving the environmental problems cannot illustrate that a person is fit for a mayor. (和第一句同义，可删去！)Therefore, even if Ann Green does (是为了表强调吗？那后面去掉can直接跟solve或是改为indeed can) can solve the town's environmental problems, there is still a possibility that she may be weak on other sections. So the speaker's assertion that Ann Green should be voted for the next mayor is unconvincing.
(本段论述的不深入，只有前2句有实际意义，可以和下一段合并，正好构成让步转折)

Even assuming that whether a person could be an effective mayor mainly depends on the ability of solving environmental problems, Ann Green's suitability is still unwarranted. (让步转折不错！) The only reason the speaker cited to support that Ann Green is able to solve such environmental problems is that she is a member of the Good Earth Coalition. It does not well support the claim. (啰嗦！这两句完全可以根据逻辑关系合成一句：Even though being a member of the Good Earth Coalition, Ann Green may not be concerned with environmental problems. ) Maybe the motivation of Ann Green's participation is to serve to the mayoral election. (只有这一句有意义，但不深入，还有其他原因？都可以列举出来，不符合原题推论的可能性越多，对其的反驳越有力！) Under this circumstance, the evidence indicates Ann Green is an environmental protector is weak.
(写得太啰嗦了，主要问题没有分析透彻，不够深入，只是停留在了表面)

On the other hand, the speaker asserts that another candidate, Frank Braun, would not protect the environment, which is also unsubstantial (语法错误). Though he is a member of the town council, the members of which are regarded not protecting environment (逻辑有点问题，council不环保是推论不是事实，不能直接引用), this cannot represent that Frank Braun is also the same as other members. Perhaps he is the only one of who advocate environmental protection (Frank是什么时候加入的没说，加入后做了什么也没说，可能他加入后为环保做了很多，可能他的行为已经在改变现在的环境状况等等，这些都可以在此扩展来说，使反驳更有力). Moreover, as a member of the town council, Frank Braun must know the town better than Ann Green, and he is probable to have some plan for the development. (这句不错！)These may prove that Frank Braun is more suitable than Ann Green to be the mayor.
(还是分析不到位，Frank可能更注重环保的方面没细化)

Furthermore, the claim that council is polluting the environment is open to doubt. (1)There is no evidence to prove that a great number of factories located into the town are due to the council's promotion. (对，的确可能不是council’s promotion的原因，那么可能是什么原因呢？列举一下，不要仅仅说：嗯，这是不对的，重要的是为什么不对？) Granted that these factories' locations are related to the town council, the speaker cannot provide any persuasive evidence to show (2) the air pollution occurred after these factories' location (犯了和首段同样的逻辑错误，原题未说工厂增加导致空气污染，这两者只是并列出现的现象而已，应一一反驳而不是混为一谈。这句应该针对air pollution increased与council无关进行反驳，分析方法如上，多想想其它可能导致此现象的原因). Contrarily, maybe these factories are environmental and they just product slight pollution. Moreover, (3) the increasing number of patients with respiratory illnesses cannot illustrate the town's pollution is serious. The kind of respiratory illness is various, and maybe most of these patients were caught general cold or the town is suffering flu (对原题中第3点的反驳比较有力，不错！其他几点也应该这样写，这一点不对的原因是什么？有什么情况也能导致这种现象？这种现象和原题的推论是必要性关联吗？多问几个为什么就能展开写的很充实了). Without considering such alternative explanations, the conclusion of the argument is unpersuasive.

In sum, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To bolster the argument the speaker must provide more details about these two candidates information for other abilities. Again the speaker would have to do some investigations to ensure that the town's pollution is due to the factories' threading and has harm to residents' health. (尾段每个人的风格不一样，我就不改了，建议最好针对上面的每个反驳点提出一点建议)


总结：
存在3个问题：
（1）行文有些啰嗦，很多无用的话重复，所以你的文章字虽多，但有意义的内容却不多，以后注意行文简洁性，能一句话说清楚的不要重复，2个有逻辑关联的句子可以合并。
（2）分析反驳得不够透彻深入，只是停留在表面，其实思路是对的，但只是一句话带过这个错误，没有多方面层层反驳。把（1）中啰嗦的那些句子用在每个漏洞的反驳上会好很多，使整篇文章充实有力。
（3）有的时候分不清事实和推伦，错误的自己关联题目中的事实，建议写作前把原题分析清楚，不要自己联想。（如本文中的(1)(2)，虽然现实生活中，工厂的确容易导致空气污染，但题目中没说就不要写成因果关系）

加油加油！^_^
PS：个人观点，仅供参考。

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