第一次发独立作文求拍打修改~JessieGH

JessieGHUID: 2882063

写的不好的说……防吞，二楼放……介个可是我的T作文初体验，有时间的大大欢迎拍砖orz...
=。=
完全木有人理咩……掩面奔走……

JessieGHUID: 2882063

那个啥，介个是TPO1的那个对于universities和colleges来说是不是应该认为sports and social events以及classes and libraries在funding上同等重要的题...


I love sports. That doesn't change my position on the topic whether universities and colleges should spend as much money on sports and social activities as with classes and libaries: Classes and libraries should always be the thesis of all fundings in educational, especially higher ranked educational institutions.

First reason for that would be the sole purpose of all universities and colleges: education. We built these facilities to educate students as to provide them valid information and appropriate guidance, both of which could only be achieved by proper funding. Before anything else, securing such fundings should be such institutions' main purpose. And since universities, as well as colleges, always have limited fundings, putting same emphasis on sports and social activities are as well as saying we shall split the money, rendering the purpose of educational institutions powerless. Simply put, should schools start bringing anything even abreast to the importance of classes or libraries, they are failing their responsibilities.

Progressively, another reason that backs up my strong belief in the leading position of the educational facilities over that of extra-curricular activities would be that of the need of students shouldn't be ignored. If students come to universities or colleges for a reason, they come for the chance to learn something. Should they feel the drive to elevate in their studies, classes and libraries, one being the authentic way of learning knowledges dating back to more than 5,000 years ago, the other undoubtfully is the one and only source of getting to know all the great minds of certian subjects that are rarely accessible elsewhere, are the best places for students to resort to.

Yet it is not just the universities or colleges' purpose that matters when it comes to the very serious problem of funding. According to certain evidence, I among many people are convinced that sports and social activities do have their indispensible roles to play in the whole preperation the colleges are providing for all students, since all that are enrolled in universities are finally going to be out there in the society, participating in social activities are going to be incredibly valuable experiences. Just as that with sports with preserving health in their best of ages. Even so, I very much believe that such progrmmes are better off on their own since: one, they are in no way colleges' main purpose; and two, raising funds can be very challenging for students who are interested in getting involved in these programmes and could even help them in unimaginable ways in their future lives. To sum up, the urge of money from sports and social activies are obvious, but not obvious enough to cloud the importance of classes and libraries. Only with sports-oriented or social-orientied colleges, I perceive, should the focus equally on sports and social activities together with classes and libraries.

JessieGHUID: 2882063

3# chenyyalex 咳咳……多谢……

mpromanusUID: 2565872

2# JessieGH

I love sports. That doesn't change my position on the topic whether universities and colleges should spend as much money on sports and social activities as with (You should stick to 'on'. Your current 2nd half of this sentence reads '..should spend money with classes and libraries'.) classes and libaries: Classes and libraries should always be the thesis? (You mean..'emphasis'?)
of all fundings in educational, especially higher ranked? (Why must you mention ranks? Does 'rank' play a specially important part in this question? Are you going to discuss why higher ranked institutions should especially focus on fundings for classes and libraries? Why do you want to include this discussion? You'll need to explain. Just one vague mention of a piece of information without an obvious purpose is only going to add doubt, rather than weight, to your discussion.) educational institutions.

First reason for that would be the sole purpose of all universities and colleges: education. We built these facilities to educate students as to provide them valid? (This means 'legal' or 'justifiable'..you sure this is what you want to express?) information and appropriate guidance, both of which could only be achieved by proper funding. Before anything else, securing such fundings should be such institutions' main purpose. And since universities, as well as colleges, always have limited fundings, putting same emphasis on sports and social activities are as well as (This does not mean 'the same as', but 'too'. If you meant 'the same as', the expression is 'as GOOD as'.) saying we shall split the money, rendering the purpose of educational institutions powerless (I find it hard to believe that any university would be so crippled in its educational purposes by setting aside money for sports and other activities. Such a claim would need to be backed by examples. Also, putting an equal amount of emphasis on sports and classes does NOT necessarily imply that they must receive the same amount of funding - thus the actual split of money doesn't necessarily mean funds for classes will be cut by half.) Simply put, should schools start bringing anything even abreast to the importance of classes or libraries, they are failing their responsibilities. (Well, I can always argue that sports and social activities form an important and integral part of 'education' in general, 'education' being in the general sense of the cultivation of a person..From gymnasium and music in ancient Greece to 六艺(礼乐射御书数) in Confucian philsophy, sports and social-artistic education has always been considered a vital part of education for the elite and noble. My point here is not to argue with your stand. It is to show you that it's pointless to talk about 'responsibilities' in education when you have not even defined what 'education' is in your discussion.)


Progressively, another reason that backs up my strong belief in the leading position of the educational facilities over that of extra-curricular activities would be that of the need of students shouldn't be ignored. If students come to universities or colleges for a reason, they come for the chance to learn something. Should they feel the drive to elevate in their studies, classes and libraries, one being the authentic way of learning knowledges (1.You can't 'learn' or 'teach' knowledge'. You learn, and gain knowledge as a result of learning. 2. 'knowledge' is almost strictly uncountable.) dating back to more than 5,000 years ago, the other undoubtfully is the one and only source of getting to know all the great minds of certian subjects that are rarely accessible elsewhere, are the best places for students to resort to. (Again, your idea of 'education' is obviously in the strict 'academic' sense of the word. This you'll need to clarify before you start detailed discussions, or else as I've already pointed out at the end of the last paragraph, your points become very easy to refute as they only apply to the academic part of the general 'education'.)


Yet it is not just the universities or colleges' purpose that matters when it comes to the very serious problem of funding. According to certain evidence (This is nowhere better than not citing any 'evidence'..in fact this is as bad as saying 'From what I've heard from the streets'..Evidences are not evidences because you say they are. They are evidences only when they are actual evidences - like campus networking activities helping to raise the percentage of students with job offers before graduation.), I among many people are convinced that sports and social activities do have their indispensible roles to play in the whole preperation the colleges are providing for all students. Since all that are enrolled in universities are finally going to be out there in the society, participating in social activities are going to be incredibly valuable experiences. Just as that with sports with preserving health in their best of ages. Even so, I very much believe that such progrmmes are better off on their own since: one, they are in no way colleges' main purpose; and two, raising funds can be very challenging for students who are interested in getting involved in these programmes and could even help them in unimaginable ways in their future lives. To sum up, the urge? of money from? (Now I'm not sure what you are trying say..) sports and social activies are obvious, but not obvious enough to cloud the importance of classes and libraries. Only with sports-oriented or social-orientied colleges, I perceive, should the focus be equally on sports and social activities together with classes and libraries.

总结：


你的文章架构语言说理都不错，但是有一点想当然的倾向 - education教育这个东西涵盖的范围太广了，而你的讨论明显是基于高等学术教育而不是基础教育的。话题中类似这样可能出现范围争议的关键字请记得在开篇里就要设定好，否则马上就会显出你对某些概念的理解浅薄。另外，如果你写不出实在的例子，泛泛而谈也不是非常要紧，至少不要用according to certain evidence‘据可靠消息’这样欲盖弥彰的话。。