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Firstly, to lead to a successful development of a country, fostering people tobe moral is rather (去掉rather,用more)important than teaching them skills. And (why ‘and’?)what junioreducation does is to let young children know some simple but important moralprinciples such as stealing shouldbe forbidden, we should help others who in need and so on. (such as后面跟例子时要用名词或从句连接,such as that stealingshould be forbidden and that we…)But when we are old enough to study in university, it’s(写文章时主语和助动词全部分开,it is) hard to change ourmoral consciousness. For instance,a few years before(ago好像比较常用), there was a sensational news that a student fromTsinghua University throw threw toward
the bear with H2SO4(文章里不能这么写,不是人人都是学化学的,用sulphuric acid )in the zoo, andtill the end, he didn’t(did not) think he was wrong. That’s really an awful thing. A student from such afamous university must have a good mark in study, however, he don’t(do not)know the basicprinciple. If he graduates from Tsinghua University and becomes an expert inhis field, he will not accelerate the development of his country, in contract(contrast), maybe he willbring a catastrophe. In this since(sense), focusing more on primary education is necessary to the government.
就作文来说,遣词造句有点口语化,比如what junioreducation does is to let…,可以就改成 In junior education, young childrenlearn…;后面那个例子里也有很多比较口语的词,比如did not think he was wrong, an awfulthing,可以考虑修改下。另外,我觉得最后还可以补充一句,以突出主题,比如Therefore, investment on children’seducation rather than on universities seems to be a better choice.
Secondly, focusing more budgets on young childreneducation could be more effective than focus(删掉focus) on universities. As we know, it’s the best time to cultivate children’sinteresting(interest)during the(the去掉) primary education because children can learn things veryfast. (前半句有点问题,主语‘是在初级教育时培养小孩的兴趣’,宾语是‘最好的时间’,两者不一致,可以就用it is best to…)That why most famous people in all fields have a goodprimary education and love what they are doing, such as Federal, a famoustennis player, who started to play tennis since he was 7 years old, and now heranks no.1 in the world. (这句问题比较多,that why? 我没看懂。文章里的数字要用英语seven, number one,不要缩写,然后我帮你改了一下,你可以参考 Well educated inchildhood, most famous people all over various fields are passionate for anddevoted to their profession. Roger Federer, the prestigious tennis player, startshis training at seven years old and finally becomes the tennis champion in theworld. )
In a word, pay more attention of its budget on young children education is muchmore important.(pay的到底是attention 还是budget?还有要用paying)
1. 首段到哪里去了?
2. 第二段建议还可以和大学教育比较一下,说明为什么大学教育就不像儿童教育那样容易培养兴趣,从而获得成功 |
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