菜鸟求助 刚开始准备作文，请同学们帮我改改，谢谢

luozehanUID: 2632653

刚开始练习作文，基础很差，很久才写出了这样一篇，我觉得字数首先有点不够，语法上肯定还有很多问题，希望各位考友帮我分析一下，这样的能得多少分，我的目标不是很高20分以上就行。谢谢了。哈哈
北美2009。5.9的题目
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: To become financially responsible individuals ,people should be taught about how to manage money at a young age.
     In the day and age,how to manage money is an essential ingredient of someone become financially responsible individuals. Financially knowledge,a necessary part of daily life, is needed anywhere and anytime in one's life.Hence, everyone is supposed to be taught at a young age.
    It is exaggeration to say that learn new thing in young age is more faster than do in any other times in one's life. In generally, it will takes 2 moths or less time and easier to learn how to drive for a teenager, but for people, who is 30 or 40 years old, it will take more time to practice and hard-working to do it .Furthermore, the memory is great in this age, that means he\she will not easily  forget what they learn and put that skill into practice. Hence, I strongly suggest that teach the financial management at someone's young age.
   Another arguement  support of my view is be good at financial management will give you a competitive edge in the job market. The sensitive in financial and economic play a crucial role in the commercial activities.It is obviously that the head of HR apartment is many corporations is prefer someone who have this kind of characteristics, especially in bank or securrity industry.
   Yet last thing which is most close to our life is we should consider is well management in money  will bring is fortune and more comfortable enjoyable life. Charge in money is the best investment which is safety and well paied hence he\she can take best adventage of a certain salary if he\she have this ability.
   In conclusion, teach financial management at someone's young age is the cornerstone of someone to become financially responsible individuals and the absolutely good thing for everyone. It is well worth learning a lifelong skill which bring you the good job and the fortune when he\she was young.




希望大家多多提出意见并分享写好作文的经验。谢谢了呵呵O(∩_∩)O~

luozehanUID: 2632653

别光看啊，指点一下。。。O(∩_∩)O~

alannestaUID: 2176396

模板迹象不要太多，人工阅卷很反感模板。语言不擅长的话例子编的具体点，具体到人时间地点事件，不要太泛泛而谈

煮熟的坚果UID: 3063410

LZ这篇文章有许多明显的语法错误，读起来很别扭，这一点对分数影响很大
举几个例子吧
Financially knowledge？
It is exaggeration to say that learn new thing in young age is more faster than do in any other times in one's life. 这一句错的地方很多
In generally？这种错误要不得啊

luozehanUID: 2632653

4# 煮熟的坚果
谢谢了 ，基础很差，第一次写。我会继续努力地

luozehanUID: 2632653

3# alannesta
谢谢，例子第一点对我很有启发。