sallyremy写作版（独立+综合）7.4

sallyremyUID：3120928

7.4题目
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: If parents want their children to do well at school, they should limit the time their children spend on watching TV

赞同：学校的science class要求观察—create

Watching tv too much没时间与父母交流—language+thoughts

不赞同：与别的小朋友无谈资，心理受挫

Although science and technology is advancing, the range of entertainment after school for children is more limited today than it was a few decades ago. Children now prefer to stay at home watching television or playing video games all time after school rather than to go outside and play around. Parents, as the first educators of their children, are also very anxious about this phenomenon. For the sake of children's performance in school, parents think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited.

Watching TV for too much time distracts children's attention from the nature world. In the development of children's learning ability, cultivation of their curiosity and creative thinking is very important. Children can obtain them by playing intelligence toys such as Lego Bricks and puzzles, or by observing the habits of animals and insects in the nature. While spending a lot of time watching TV at home closes the door of the amazing outside world to children. They are also inclined to be addictive to watching TV. As a result, they will lack the ability to observe and analyse phenomenon, which is crucial to the science class at school.

Moreover, more time children consume on watching TV, less time they have to communicate with their friends and parents. Scientific research showed that children usually spend more time watching TV have a higher 30% tendency to have communication disorders than those who spend less. During watching TV, children just passively accept the information that television conveys, they barely think the accuracy of the information, let alone to communicate their thoughts with their friends or parents. This will lead to degradation in their expressing ability, and miss the best time to practise their language and communicating skills, which are very essential in their classes at school.

However, not watching TV at all also leads to potential problems in children's psychological development. Children tend to discuss fancy persons, fashionable cloths, or popular cartoons and songs they watched on TV. If your child knows nothing about his classmates' favourite topics, he will be squeeze out of the peer group and suffer loneliness, which will have a very serious effect on the development of children's fragile psychology.

In conclusion, I think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited by their parents. In order to perform well at school, parents should encourage their children to explore more in the nature world and spend more time communicating with them instead of letting them sit in front of the television all day long.



7.4TPO10

The lecture completely refutes the passage. It is said in the lecture that the cause of the decline of some sea otter population off the Alaskan coast is more likely to be predation, contrary to the cause stated in the passage, which is pollution hypothesis. The professor says that no one finds exact evidence of pollution along the coast. In addition, if pollution hypothesis is the main cause, its effect on sea otters should be consistent with other coastal inhabitants. The lecture also refutes the fact that orcas eat larger prey by stating that they have to eat smaller preys including sea otters, seals and sea lions because larger preys disappeared due to human hunting. Finally, the professor believes that predation could also explain the uneven pattern of otter decline. At locations accessible to orcas, the sea otter population drops, while at shallow and rocky locations which are inaccessible to orcas, the population remains stable.

奇布玩偶UID：2846750

Although science and technology is advancing, the range of entertainment after school for children is more limited today than it was a few decades ago.（感觉前后两句没有什么关联，保留一个现象来阐述吧） Children now prefer to stay at home watching television or playing video games all time after school rather than to go outside and play around. Parents, as the first educators of their children, are also（没有对应） very anxious about this phenomenon. For the sake of children's performance in school, parents think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited.（观点提炼，不错）
（托福作文最好有明显的关联词引出）Watching TV for too much time distracts children's attention from the nature world. In the development of children's learning ability, cultivation of their curiosity and creative thinking is very important. Children can obtain them by playing intelligence toys such as Lego Bricks and puzzles, or by observing the habits of animals and insects in the nature. While spending a lot of time watching TV at home closes the door of the amazing outside world to children. They are also inclined to be addictive to watching TV. As a result, they will lack the ability to observe and analyse phenomenon, which is crucial to the science class at school
Moreover, more time children consume on watching TV, less time they have to communicate with their friends and parents. Scientific research showed that children usually spend more time watching TV have a higher 30% tendency to have communication disorders than those who spend less. During watching TV, children just passively accept the information that television conveys, they barely think the accuracy of the information, let alone to communicate their thoughts with their friends or parents.（数据引用很好） This will lead to degradation in their expressing ability, and miss the best time to practise their language and communicating skills, which are very essential in their classes at school.
However, not watching TV at all also leads to potential problems in children's psychological development. Children tend to discuss fancy persons, fashionable cloths, or popular cartoons and songs they watched on TV. If your child knows nothing about his classmates' favourite topics, he will be squeeze out of the peer group and suffer loneliness, which will have a very serious effect on the development of children's fragile psychology.
In conclusion, I think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited by their parents. In order to perform well at school, parents should encourage their children to explore more in the nature world and spend more time communicating with them instead of letting them sit in front of the television all day long.!

整体结构完整，起承转合也很好。写过GRE作文么？感觉是ISSUE的逻辑，逻辑感很强，注意了递进分析和一段让步转折。但我不清楚托福需不需要这么严密的逻辑，还是观点鲜明比较好？个人比较偏爱递进的逻辑然后最后升华结尾啦O(∩_∩)O~。

sallyremyUID：3120928

2# 奇布玩偶

谢谢奇布玩偶   帮我改了独立写作:handshake
评价有点小高，不敢当。。没写过GRE作文，也不曾了解，做过GMAT逻辑，可能因此逻辑有所提高
提出修改的地方都很到位啊~非常感谢
还有疑问的就是你所谓的观点鲜明是要在段首Firstly, Secondly, Thirdly这样吗？还有就是“递进的逻辑然后最后升华结尾”，就是说最后一个不要让步转折，写第三个赞成的原因？然后结尾要再怎么升华？这样的话会不会完全没有提到不赞成的原因啊？？
谢谢~

应小呆UID：3109940

7.4TPO10
字数有点少呢0 。|:loveliness:
The lecture completely refutes the passage. It is said(第一次读的时候被我理解成据说了:p ) in the lecture that the cause of the decline of some sea otters population off the Alaskan coast is more likely to be predation（头重脚轻？）, contrary to the cause stated in the passage, which is pollution hypothesis. The professor says that no one finds exact evidence of pollution along the coast. In addition（这种递进形式很好很强大~比我的第一第二更有逻辑性~）, if pollution hypothesis is the main cause, its effect on sea otters should be consistent with other coastal inhabitants. The lecture also refutes the fact that orcas eat larger prey by stating that they have to eat smaller preys including sea otters, seals and sea lions because larger preys disappeared due to human hunting（这个长句虽然很长，但是条理清楚~）. Finally, the professor believes that predation could also explain the uneven pattern of otter decline. At locations accessible to orcas, the sea otter population drops, while at shallow and rocky locations which are inaccessible to orcas, the population remains stable.. O" K- H& A7 \2 A6 a$ d  @
我觉得sally同学的写作真的很厉害呢~就是字数可能好像稍微少了那么一点点，我不知道字数对成绩有没有影响，但在我没放进word查字数之前，我一直觉得不够的说（不好意思）。但是逻辑性真的很好很强~希望我的文章也能像你这么有逻辑性~
如果字数不够是因为来不及打字，可以用打字软件练习一下的，我这里有一个~你要不要？我自己觉得还蛮好用的O(∩_∩)O~

应小呆UID：3109940

欢迎来改我的作文~
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1280678-1-1.html

7.4题目
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: If parents want their children to do well at school, they should limit the time their children spend on watching TV% R- r$ b; G! w5 j8 ?

赞同：学校的science class要求观察—create
没时间与父母交流—language+thoughts
不赞同：与别的小朋友无谈资，心理受挫

Although science and technology is advancing, the range of entertainment after school for children is more limited today than it was a few decades ago. Children now prefer to stay at home watching television or playing video games all time after school rather than to go outside and play around. Parents, as the first educators of their children, are also very anxious about this phenomenon. For the sake of children's performance in school, parents think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited.（我一直不会开头~(>_<)~ ，好想学习sally这种开头~~(>_<)~~，你会一直来写作文的对不？）$ C" F: x# t: f/ U5 H' {+ @

+ W9 h8 {3 d& j& `) o+ ~
Watching TV for too much time distracts children's attention from the nature world. In the development of children's learning ability, cultivation（我超爱这个词有木有~） of their curiosity and creative thinking is very important. Children can obtain them by playing intelligence toys such as Lego Bricks and puzzles, or by observing the habits of animals and insects in the nature. While spending a lot of time watching TV at home closes the door of the amazing outside world to children. They are also inclined to be addictive to watching TV. As a result, they will lack the ability to observe and analyse phenomenon, which is crucial to the science class at school.

Moreover, more time children consume on watching TV, less time they have to communicate with their friends and parents. Scientific research showed that children usually spend more time watching TV have a higher 30% tendency to have communication disorders than those who spend less. During watching TV, children just passively accept the information that television conveys, they barely think the accuracy of the information, let alone to communicate their thoughts with their friends or parents. This will lead to degradation in their expressing ability, and miss（如果我没看错，miss的主语是this吗？为什么呢？） the best time to practise their language and communicating skills, which are very essential in their classes at school.2 `" s$ X  r6 K  s: q* [+ E% R

- H5 ~. a9 i, X# }
However, not watching TV at all also leads to potential problems in children's psychological development. Children tend to discuss fancy persons, fashionable cloths, or popular cartoons and songs they watched on TV. If your child knows nothing about his classmates' favourite topics, he will be squeeze out of the peer group and suffer loneliness, which will have a very serious effect on the development of children's fragile psychology.( G2 v0 K: r& w( d: J

In conclusion, I think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited by their parents. In order to perform well at school, parents should encourage their children to explore more in the nature world and spend more time communicating with them instead of letting them sit in front of the television all day long.

如果我能写出sally这样的文章就好了o(≧v≦)o

sallyremyUID：3120928

4# sizukaada

呵呵，昨天才开始写第一篇，所以不免超时了，我也有跟你同样的困惑，也觉得用段首开头词显得很套模板，有点傻==你看下来李笑来书上的文章是这样的吗？？
关于转折的问题，既然李笑来也是正反全面分析的，那我们就按这样来吧~

sallyremyUID：3120928

5# 应小呆

呵呵，好呀~~:loveliness:我加你qq好了，打字速度是有点慢的说==
不过昨天是第一天写。。还不知道要怎么写综合，所以根据og上面的一篇样式写的。。呵呵，所以字数有点少。综合写作可以抄passage中的原句吗？？

我来帮你改作文！！！:handshake共同进步嘛~~~

栗孒UID：3120977

Although science and technology is advancing, the range of entertainment after school for children is more limited today than it was a few decades ago. Children now prefer to stay at home watching television or playing video games all time after school rather than to go outside and play around. Parents, as the first educators of their children, are also very anxious about this phenomenon. For the sake of children's performance in school, parents think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited.

Watching TV for too much time distracts children's attention from the nature world. In the development of children's learning ability, cultivation of their curiosity and creative thinking is very important. Children can obtain them by playing intelligence toys such as Lego Bricks and puzzles, or by observing the habits of animals and insects in the nature. While spending a lot of time watching TV at home closes the door of the amazing outside world to children. They are also inclined to be addictive to watching TV. As a result, they will lack the ability to observe and analyse (the)phenomenon, which is crucial to the science class at school.

Moreover, more time children consume on watching TV, less time they have to communicate with their friends and parents. Scientific research showed that children usually spend more time watching TV have a higher 30% tendency to have communication disorders than those who spend less. (nice data support) During watching TV, children just passively accept the information that television conveys, they barely think the accuracy of the information, let alone to communicate their thoughts with their friends or parents. This will lead to degradation in their expressing ability, and miss the best time to practise their language and communicating skills, which are very essential in their classes at school.(和上一段的结尾有点重复么。。)However, not watching TV at all also leads to potential problems in children's psychological development. Children tend to discuss fancy persons, fashionable cloths, or popular cartoons and songs they watched on TV. If your （突然冒出个第二人称有点别扭）child knows nothing about his classmates' favourite topics, he will be squeeze out of the peer group and suffer loneliness, which will have a very serious effect on the development of children's fragile psychology.

In conclusion, I think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited by their parents. In order to perform well at school, parents should encourage their children to explore more in the nature world and spend more time communicating with them instead of letting them sit in front of the television all day long.


总的来说，结构完整，思路清楚。用词也很流畅。
我都点评不出缺点了=。=、

xiangtuoUID：3047550

吐血改了好久。有问题欢迎联系！

xiangtuoUID：3047550

乱套了。。。明明我们三个是一组的 无论综合还是独立。。。怎么会这么多人？。。。

sallyremyUID：3120928

12# xiangtuo

哈哈~大家可能以为独立都是一个组的了。。他们帮我改了我也不好意思不改

sallyremyUID：3120928

吐血改了好久。有问题欢迎联系！
xiangtuo 发表于 2011-7-5 21:55

自己贴过来，方便以后查看

TPO10
The lecture completely refutes the passage. It is said in the lecture that the cause of the decline of some sea otters population off the Alaskan coast is more likely to be predation, contrary to the cause stated in the passage, which is pollution hypothesis. The professor says that no one finds exact evidence of pollution along the coast. In addition, if pollution hypothesis is the main cause, its effect on sea otters should be consistent with other coastal inhabitants. The lecture also refutes the fact that orcas eat larger prey by stating that they have to eat smaller preys including sea otters, seals and sea lions because larger preys disappeared due to human hunting. Finally, the professor believes that predation could also explain the uneven pattern of otter decline. At locations accessible to orcas, the sea otter population drops, while at shallow and rocky locations which are inaccessible to orcas, the population remains stable.

没有用模板的看的很是惊异。最好还是分段吧！然后最好还是把读到的和听到的点对应起来吧！我这里有TPO综合写作的范文，你要吗？。。。

7.4题目
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: If parents want their children to do well at school, they should limit the time their children spend on watching TV

Although science and technology is advancing, the range of entertainment after school for children is more limited today than it was a few decades ago. Children now prefer to stay at home watching television or playing video games all time after school rather than to(去掉prefer to do rather than do) go outside and play around. Parents, as the first educators of their children, are also very anxious about this phenomenon. For the sake of children's performance in school, parents think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited.（一般都会表达自己观点的，你其实也表达了自己的立场，但是没有出现I或者 my之类的词，我也不知道这样是否恰当…）
Watching TV for too much time distracts children's attention from the nature world. In the development of children's learning ability, cultivation of their curiosity and creative thinking is very important. Children can obtain them by playing intelligence toys such as Lego Bricks and puzzles, or by observing the habits of animals and insects in the nature. While（是引导状语从句还是表转折呢？）spending a lot of time watching TV at home closes the door of the amazing outside world to children. They are also inclined to be addictive to watching TV. （这两句话的意思和作用没有明白，What and why?）As a result, they will lack the ability to observe and
analyse phenomenon, which is crucial to the science class at school.
Moreover, more time children consume on watching TV, less time they have to communicate with their friends and parents. Scientific research showed that children usually spend（一句话有两个谓语？这个应该是spending吧？）more time watching TV have a higher 30% tendency to have communication disorders than those who spend less. During watching TV, children just passively accept the information that television conveys, they barely think the accuracy of the information, let alone to communicate their thoughts with their friends or parents. This will lead to degradation in their expressing ability, and miss the best time to practise their language and communicating skills, which are very essential in their classes at school.
However, not watching TV at all also leads to potential problems in children's psychological development. Children tend to discuss fancy persons, fashionable cloths, or popular cartoons and songs they watched on TV. If your child knows nothing about his classmates' favourite topics, he will be squeeze out of the peer group and suffer loneliness, which will have a very serious effect on the development of children's fragile psychology.
In conclusion, I think that the time children spend on watching TV should be limited by their parents. In order to perform well at school, parents should encourage their children to explore more in the nature world and spend more time communicating with them instead of letting them sit in front of the television all day long.

文章文笔不错滴~赞一个！今天改的这两个人的都不是用模板的，着实让我这个用模板的老油条感到一股扑面的清新！要保持！文章用词很不错，句子读起来也很舒服。但是有几点关于文章逻辑的问题想和楼主说一下，希望能引起你的重视。
第一点，也是我改小呆作文的时候也和她探讨过：题目中说的是如果父母想让孩子在学校表现的好，就要限制看电视的时间。这个题目其实是有一个前提条件的，那就是想让孩子在学校表现好。这个文章我改过不下5个人的，每一个人都没有在这一点做得很好，所以我在想是不是我个人的思路有问题。我认为，而且我自己是这么写的，每一点的落脚点都落在为了在学校表现的好。你写得前两个理由其实很好，而且最后结尾的时候也落到了为了在学校表现好。但是我个人认为在每一段中还不够，为什么每一点做到了会使小孩在学校表现得好呢？其实中间还是有一个逻辑关系要讲清的。
对了，忘了讲 我是学法律的，逻辑是专长，所以对待托友的文章逻辑我会比较挑剔。如果你觉得矫枉过正的话按照你自己的来。
第二点，一看就知道你没有受过模板的教育。全面论述 辩证的来固然好，但是是在实在词穷了不知道怎么说了的。最好还是一边倒，一气呵成。所以我就觉得前两段写得不像是词穷了怎么会转折了呢？还有，最重要的是，让步的写法不是这样子滴。。。比如文章讲A好，一 A怎么好 二 A怎么好。三 B虽然也小小的好，但是，最重要的是但是要有对B的削弱，比如可被替代、对结果无影响、和缺点比微不足道等等。但是最终落脚点还是要落在A还是好滴！不知道小S同学看懂了没？要是有疑问的话在论坛上发我短消息，随叫随到！

sallyremyUID：3120928

10# sizukaada

好像听下来还是列三点一气呵成的比较好，因为写一个反面又不是让步转折的话，会削弱自己的观点