我的作文贴

theflyfishUID：2101420

7月6日独立

应小呆UID：3109940

看过了~觉得楼主文章写得很不错~值得学习~，比我写的好多了~~~~(>_<)~~~~
问题没怎么发现，最多就是结构有点死板，感觉有点像高中30分钟流水线作文的感觉。

应小呆UID：3109940

欢迎你来改我的作文~
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthre ... p;page=2&extra=

栗孒UID：3120977

改好啦~举例子好专业。羡慕，羡慕~
在结构上提了一些小意见，不知道对不对，大家可以一起讨论，仅供参考吧～O(^ ^)O

theflyfishUID：2101420

4# 栗孒
不知道该回在哪，先放在这里吧。。。
改的好认真，非常感谢。
关于结构的问题，据新东方的老师说，正正反,正正正以及让步转折是最标准的托福八股文的结构吧，像上面同学说的就是流水线作业，想都不用想，直接套就行了。

sallyremyUID：3120928

1# theflyfish

是我自7.4看到现在感觉写的最好的一篇文章了~有很多小问题，都改好了，有问题可以一起探讨
希望以后多多交流~~:handshake

栗孒UID：3120977

5# theflyfish
恩~。我之前自己写的时候一直觉得正正反的话，结尾的时候反的语气太强会觉得和首段的论点有出入。。所以，一般采用让步来写，自己觉得语气缓和一点。。
我托福没读过班~以前上的雅思的和gmat的。。所以，对托福考官的偏好还不甚了解。。。

theflyfishUID：2101420

4# 栗孒 我个人也比较喜欢反正正这种让步转折的写法，因为这样更合乎逻辑，文章也更有条理。不过正正反也有好处。一是避免使论点显得太绝对，避免因为一味的支持或反对而使文章出现瑕疵。另一个纯粹是应试的原因。如果考试的时候太紧张，写不完，那最后一段的转折可以不写，也能很好的支持论点。要是先让步，要是写不完，那文章的结构就不太完整了。这只是我的一点想法而已，其实也不知道对不对。

theflyfishUID：2101420

6# sallyremy 谢谢修改啊。我现在还在刷考位，估计还能写好长时间。一起加油啊。

theflyfishUID：2101420

2010年1月22日北美机经练习

Doyou agree or disagree with the following statement:

People who gooutside are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages.

幕阳素素UID：3025800

我看了一下你的文章，我给你贴出来还是怎么弄？我第一次弄不知道。

幕阳素素UID：3025800

It is hard to conclude whether people will be more successful and happier（我觉得这句话跟题目表达的不一个意思） because of different environments of different countries. However, when specifying the situation of my homeland China, an old and beautiful country now both flourishing and suffering of(我觉得suffer一般跟不好的词吧) the rapid growth of economy and transition of（of 改成from） traditional social institutions to modern forms. I agree that people who go outside will be more successful than their peers who stay in villages, nevertheless it is still difficult to claim these people will be more happier as well(as well 表示相同时用，此处用不恰当).

I will explain why people （加上go outside）will be more successful first（Firstly,放在句首比较好）. In my perspectives, to be successful means a person can achieve his potentials to a great extent, even if he might not be fortunate or hold a high status in society. According to this definition, people who go outside have two advantages to attain success. First, compared to(改为with) people living in villages, those who live in towns and cities are easier to access to high qualified education, a crucial element to abet people to recognize their potentials and enhance their ability to get their potentials. Universities locate exclusively in cities, especially in metropolises, and thus people who are ambitious to achieve their goals or want to seize a better position in force market have to go to cities to learn professional knowledge and to widen their visions and deepen their comprehension about the world. Additionally, cities are freer and can provide chances to various people with disparate backgrounds, interests and skills who are searching（改为striving for吧） their destiny. Those who engage in less productive or traditionally forbidden occupations, such as actors and athletes, can be very popular in cities. On the contrast, it is almost impossible for a person to become a famous actor or athlete, if he chooses to stay in village during his whole life.

To the question that who will be happier, I think there is no certain answer. The chief reason is that I believe（我觉得做认为讲believe不太合适） happiness is a kind of feelings and it has very few connections with objective circumstances, except for some extreme situations such as famine, ill health, or having barely any freedom. For instance, a person who relies on alms and enjoy his idleness every day, can be very happy; on the other hand, a millionaire or either billionaire might feel extreme frustrated and choose suicide finally. Thus it is not possible to judge whether a person is happy or not merely according to the position he lives. （举得例子挺不错，值得我学习）


第一次改，不好请见谅，链接是我写的，麻烦了[url][/url]https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1283345-1-1.html

theflyfishUID：2101420

7月11日独立，同主题写作

不小心超时了。文章比较长，改的同学辛苦了。

theflyfishUID：2101420

7月12日独立

有一个人名写错了。是stephen king， 不是Steven King