issue19 我也来贴一篇，请帮忙看一下！

00foxUID: 112731

19"If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens."

This statement is fundamentaly wrong first as it seperates the success of a society and the well-being of its individual citizens as two indepented and exclusive factors. they are in fact two individable parts that interact and interdepend each other in every aspect of our daily life. And who take the precedence over each other largely depend on the certain circumstance when they two conflicts. To simply state that the society's own overall success take priorities over the well-being of individual citizens neglect the far-reaching influence that the individual citizens plays during the long time of history, and it will finally bring disasters to the society as a whole.

Let us first make a conclusion what makes a successful society. In my opioion, there are many factors that contribute, for example, a strong military force; the prosperous of industry, the high reverence in international community and by far the most important, the well-being of its individual citizens. As we human beings, we are none of us born with the desire to fight or devote ourselves into any intense competition, but  we are all alike that we want to live well and live in a stable and peaceful environment. So, here lies in the reason why the well-being of the citizens' life plays such an paramount role in the overall cuccess of a society. We could not say a society with poverty and famine everywhere a successful one, no matter how strong military force it has or how prosperous was its industry. Such society will finally be overwhemed by the complaint and discontent which is from the bottom of its citizens. The former Soviet is a case in point: the Soviety government who with the intense desire to take military precedence over America in the Cold-war, poor most of it's national revenue into the military research and heavy-industry expansion, only to the neglect of improving the citizens' daily life, and finally get the evil-consequence that the gaint Soviety collapsed into pieces. Here we could clearly come to the conclusion that the well-being of individual citizens is the premise of a overall success society.

However, history also shows us that there are some circumstances when the overall success of a society call for the sacrifice of the well-being of some of its citizens, in this situation, the citizens whose temperary interests was hampered, should be considerate to meet the whole society's needs to develope the whole country as a whole so as to get more benefit in the long run. Here is a perfect example in China's recent history: when the gaint ShangXia dam is to be built on the YangZi river, there is a neccessity for a great number of people who live near the river to remove from their home and go to another place as emigrant. There are of course many of those who dosen't want to go, but here they have to make some sacrifice to overall developement of the whole china's further developement. And this large-scale emigration was finally proved to be a big success. Here lies in another fact that sometimes the overall success of a society could take precedence over the individual's well-being, but the requisite is that the project which hamper the temperary interests of its citizen should be indeed a useful one, and could compensate the lost in the long run.  

Moreover, even if the project is great enough and have far-reaching benefit, the government should not neglect the citizens' right while ask them to make some sacrifice, still take the ShangXia dam as a example, those who remove as emigrant during this big emigration either get some better house after the emigration or get some subsidy which could lead a better life than before. And that might be the reason why the mass emigration was performed in such a smooth and peaceful manner, stounding the whold world.

In sum, if the society is to thrive, it must put it's main corncern to the well-being of its citizens, even when the overall success of a society call for the sacrifice the individuals, the government should take its action deliberately to come to a balance between the benefit of individual and the society as a whole, especially in a democratice society.

imongUID: 140258

This statement is fundamentaly wrong first as it seperates the success of a society and the well-being of its individual citizens as two indepented and exclusive factors. 应该是interdependent，拼写错了，exclusive用的好，但是seperate as 好像没有这个搭配，用put as 吧。they are in fact two individable （undividable？）parts that interact and interdepend each other in every aspect of our daily life. And who take the precedence over each other （这个表达有问题）largely depend on the certain circumstance when they two conflicts. To simply state that the society's own overall success take priorities over the well-being of individual citizens neglect（to simply state...做主语不是很舒服） the far-reaching influence that the individual citizens plays during the long time of history, and it will finally bring disasters to the society as a whole.

语言上的表达不是非常好，下面就不一一改了。 the prosperous of industry应该用名词prosperity， remove from their home 用错了remove，等等。

从正反两个角度进行论述， 三个论点还是比较切题，不过如果能进一步联系上if a society is to thrive 会更舒服，而原文body中这一点似乎较少，只是到了最后才又提起。正反两个角度论述但是又没有非常有效的transition，就没有generalist vs specialist那样写的两面都深入。

应该尽量联系主题，深入发挥分论点，同时注意段间的联系，会更好一些。