又求大神改作文

dandelionttUID: 2852417

钱不多，大神随便看看，给点意见就行~
没写特别specific的例子，觉得怎么选例子还是把握的不太好。
限时写的，字数371。


题目：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is better to make friends with intellignet friends than with people who have a good sense of humor


作文：
I always hear people discussing what kind of people is the best choice when making friend. Some people who think that to get happiness is the goal of making friends asserts that humorous people is the best choice of friends. Other people, considering the purpose of learning from friends, say that to make friends with who are intelligent is better. Yet I consider that there is no need to hold such a utilitarian view when we are making friends. And I hold that any kind of people can become friends as long as they are loyal and sincere to friends.


Yes, I concede that friends are helpful, and even indispensable, in our lives. When we are in difficulties, we always need friends who are not will to, but also able give us a hand. We need friends who could bring us joy and happiness when we are in sorrow; so we want humorous people to be our friends. We need friends who could give us advices when we cannot make decisions; so we what intelligent people to be our friends.


But, this does not means that we have to make friends in such a utilitarian way. Friends are not just about giving and receiving helps; it is also about trust and responsibility. It is about a relationship of interdependent. We would lose the true understanding of friendship if we consider friends simply as someone who could provide help. A person with strong sense of humor could make you laugh, but could he be your friend when he disclose your secrete to others? Also, a well-educated person could give you wise suggestions, but would you consider him as your friends when he cheats you in business?


Thus, from my perspective, friends are people whom you can trust from within and you can share all your thoughts and feelings. Thus, whether friends are humorous or intelligent is a peripheral factor between friends. Other than those who are humorous or intelligence, I would choose those who are loyal and sincere to me.In my observation, friends are those who we are going to depend on spiritually all alone our lives, and hence there is no need to choose friend in such a utilitarian way.

jiang08UID: 2391146

OK just a few thoughts here:
1, slightly off the topic "which type of friends is better" You are arguing what you think is the best quality in friends (loyalty), which corresponds to neither qualities listed. That being said, you are not answering the question do you like A or B, but saying well I like C. It'd be OK to say you like A, or B, or A+B, but it's not wise to skip A and B altogether.

2. The structure. 1st paragraph is opening, no problem, although a bit lengthy. 2nd is agreeing with topic? Did you miss "intelligent" in the first sentence? If not, I don't get what you are trying to achieve here. If yes, this paragraph is to long considering you only have the 3d paragraph to support your take on "loyalty".

3. Agreed, too abstract argument and not exceptionally logically fluent. Things like "Also, a well-educated person could give you wise suggestions, but would you consider him as your friends when he cheats you in business?" are good and deserves more weight in the essay.

4. Finally a minor thing. The essay has a  colloquial feeling. When you read it, you can sort of hear a Chinese person speaking English.

dandelionttUID: 2852417

哇，望见了08大神。。。
谢谢您。。。
我真的看到了自己的不足。。。
我要继续努力了。。。

dandelionttUID: 2852417

哇，望见了08大神。。。
谢谢您。。。
我真的看到了自己的不足。。。
我要继续努力了。。。

dandelionttUID: 2852417

我觉得要努力的地方真的还有很多。

dandelionttUID: 2852417

我想弱弱的问一下，最后一点，是指我的作文太过口语化，还是太chinglish，还是两者都有啊？
我要怎么克服这个问题呢？

Fruit~UID: 2559265

不要老用长句, 老中长句一多, 必有语法错误

Fruit~UID: 2559265

IN MY OBSERVATION这类话可少用, 写文章本来代表的就是你自己的关点, 再用IN MY OBSERVATION, 就很REDUNDANT了!

Fruit~UID: 2559265

第3段最后一句. BUT前就可以用句号了, 你为啥用豆号? 这样的问题你整篇文章里不止犯了一处啊......

Fruit~UID: 2559265

最后, 麻烦发包子!!!

prqeabcdUID: 2636608

little advice:
no fancy words
no deep thoughts

gl:)

prqeabcdUID: 2636608

尽量把思路弄简单, 托福作文的目的是 MAKE A POINT AND MAKE YOURSELF CLEAR
思路太复杂了很容易说不清, 毕竟文章长度有限, 解释起复杂的思想太吃力
例如本题:
1。和聪明人做朋友好， 因为(1)可以学到东西让自己也聪明，(2)聪明人能在你有困难的时候提供有建设性的帮助 (3)聪明人的朋友也是聪明人，可以构建好的社交网络
2。和聪明人做朋友可以学知识，因为聪明，知道学习捷径/更好的工作方式。。。
3。聪明朋友能帮忙，聪明=有能力=点子好/有钱/有厉害的关系
4。聪明朋友人脉好，聪明人喜欢和聪明人交流，聪明=有能力，圈子里都是有能力的人
5。综上，和聪明人做朋友好，因为1学习，2求帮忙，3人脉好
然后中间穿插些例子，语言通顺，得高分没问题
简单一个思路 抛砖引玉

萝卜须根多UID: 3008387

饿，我的想法哦，你随便看看就好哈
那个开头我觉得，非常不好诶。你这是“藐视”出题人和这个题目。这就像是，问你鱼丸或粗面你要吃那个，结果你说我要吃苹果。（这个例子不是很好啦，但是意思你懂吧）我觉得你还是就选一个来回答，不要给出额外的答案比较好。
然后，看整体感觉是我高中的议论文，说理很多，例子很少，或说很琐细。其实交友这个话题应该是可以找出身边一堆的例子的，随便一个稍微写详细点，分析下吧。不过有的人告诉我要用名人的例子，这个你可以参考下。按照官方说法，因为没有你这个文章就是develop的不够好了，篇幅就看得出了。
最后就是语言的问题。感觉不够正式，个人还是觉得考试的作文语言应该正式一些的。用词可能还有些单调。
总之，一起加油吧~